Season 1 — Transcripts — Veronica Mars Investigations

Jenny Owen Youngs and Helen Zaltzman investigate every episode of Veronica Mars, from the beginning

Posts in Season 1

Veronica Mars Investigations Investigations season 1 transcript

Veronica Mars Investigations Investigations season 1 transcript

HZ: It was funny to me how watching it before, just the only things that stuck were kind of the long arcs and the emotional relationships between like Veronica and Keith, and Wallace and stuff. None of the mysteries of the week stuck. And I also didn't really notice some of the things where you're like "hmm" now that I'm watching it multiple times and taking copious notes on it for a podcast.
JOY: I didn't watch it until right before we started making this podcast. I watched the whole series.
HZ: Not even suspecting what was about to crash into your life?
JOY: Having no idea what kind of havoc was about to be brought down upon me, Helen.

Season 1, transcript, special episodeVMI Pod10 February 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, special episode, special guest, Duana Taha, writers, writing, Degrassi, Drake, relationships, affairs, Xena Warrior Princess, productivity, air vents, hiding, hidden, hiding places, spy pen, sex tapes, tapes, Aaron Echolls, Celeste Kane, time, passage of time, Neptune time warp, pens, Capricorn, Leo, Leo D’Amato, astrology, star signs, inconsistencies, plot holes, loose ends, Spanish, teens, Skins, Aubrey Graham, rap, jokes, condoms, Bin Laden, prophylactics, sexy, Cuba, San Diego, Balboa Park, Canada, locations, shooting locations, Museum of Man, Echolls house, houses, homes, outbuildings, sex hut, poolhouse, face curtains, Marses in disguise, den of disguises, Kane house, Susan Knight, Julia Smith, John Smith, Justin Smith, problematic faves, birthdays, Idris Elba

VMI 1.22 Leave It To Beaver transcript

VMI 1.22 Leave It To Beaver transcript

HZ: Veronica's not avoiding Logan today.
JOY: No, even though she's supposed to be I think steering clear from him she can't resist going in for a little no-costume undercover work pretending to still be into it so that she can see what he has to say for himself.
HZ: Yeah, right. We know that she's shitting him, for some reason.
JOY: I'm sorry - "shitting him"?
HZ: Yeah, do you not say that in America?
JOY: Oh, like like she's like lying to them or playing him or something? Like "you gotta be shitting me."
HZ: Right. Exactly. She's shittting him. But he doesn't know he's being shat.
JOY: See, this really starts to fall apart once you start conjugating.
HZ: Does it? You knew what I meant! He is beshat.

transcript, Season 1VMI Pod4 February 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, PCHers, Jake Kane, Kyle Secor, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Celeste Kane, Lisa Thornhill, Don Lamb, Sheriff Lamb, Aaron Echolls, Harry Hamlin, murder, tapes, secrets, secret tapes, sex tapes, fire, arson, fridges, Backup, car crash, fighting, fights, Keith Mars to the rescue, Alicia Fennel, Erica Gimpel, Lianne Mars, Corinne Bohrer, rewards, theft, cheques, checks, Hrishikesh Hirway, Song Exploder, The West Wing Weekly, Steve Rankin, Lloyd Blankenship, Cheyenne, sex workers, Abel Koontz, newspapers, Dick Casablancas, Ryan Hansen, Cassidy Casablancas, Kyle Gallner, Beaver, DNA tests, DNA results, paternity tests, onions, chopping onions, music, food, nice Chianti, parents, family, families, parenting, disguises, servers, cater waiters, Republicans, parties, another grim dinner at the Kane house, alcoholism, Cliff, Cliff McCormack, Daran Norris, voices, Cliff's voice, lawsuits, suing, Kane fortune, print media, props, eavesdropping, eavesdroppers, appearing behind things, CSS, toilet office, breakups, breaking up, Keithlicia, jackets, set dressing, waterproof Santa, Garfield, lighting, Leave It To Beaver, alibis, red herrings, Garbage, Bad Boyfriend, shit, linguistics, gay for Weevil, Leo D'Amato, Barry Randall, soul patch, facial hair, Deputy Sacks, the one phone call, hiding places, Marses in disguise, crab puffs, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Arnie, doors, traumacoaster, Spice Girls, Wannabe, video, sex hut, curtains, LeBaron, Veronica's car, Joan of Arc, walkie talkies, plastic horse, killing, goofs, stunt doubles, Blankenship, Lil Kim

VMI 1.21 A Trip to the Dentist transcript

VMI 1.21 A Trip to the Dentist transcript

HZ: In Vegas, Keith's guest Cheyenne arrives wearing a black dress with charm chains draped over the shoulders. Keith's hotel is quite beige and drab, and also, the TV is angled so you can't watch it in bed. What the fuck? What piece of shit hotel would do this to you? What is the point?
JOY: Yeah, that is cruel and unusual punishment.
HZ: Keith's still kind of in caring dad mode, asking Cheyenne if she's hungry.

KEITH: Are you hungry or anything?
CHEYENNE: I think not having to buy me dinner first is kind of the point. Why don’t you come sit over here with me and relax, okay?
KEITH: Well, maybe we could go sit out on the balcony.
CHEYENNE: You’re still gonna be married on the balcony. Now. I want you to tell me exactly what you want. That one thing you can never get the little woman to do. And we’ll start there.
KEITH: Actually, I’d like to start by talking about Abel Koontz.

HZ: Wow, Keith, that is one hell of a kink. Bet she doesn't get that request often.
JOY: “The little woman just won't discuss Abel Koontz and the Lilly Kane murder with me the way I'd like.”

Season 1, transcriptVMI Pod28 January 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, drugs, rape, alcohol, intoxication, sexual assault, Cassidy Casablancas, Beaver, Kyle Gallner, Dick Casablancas, Ryan Hansen, Aaron Echolls, Harry Hamlin, Sean, Luke, Casey, Jonathan Bennett, Rashomon, spycams, Alicia Fennel, Erica Gimpel, Cheyenne, sex workers, Cuba, Las Vegas, Celeste Kane, Lisa Thornhill, Teddy Dunn, Duncan Kane, Leighton Meester, Carrie Bishop, cameos, spit, drinks, parties, Shelly Pomroy, Shelly Pomroy’s party, GHB, liquid X, beards, facial hair, surfing, surfboards, theme song, Meg Manning, Alona Tal, Madison Sinclair, Amanda Noret, Clarence Wiedman, Christopher B Duncan, reward, Divinyls, I Touch Myself, allergies, Veronica's car, friendship, hotels, Echolls house, Inappropriately Sassy Duncan, Powersave Duncan, punch, Chekhov's thing, sugar, spitting, sets, set dressing, curtains, Aaron Echolls's face all over his house, pool house, air vents, hidden cameras, surveillance, Lianne Mars, Corinne Bohrer, car chalk, cars, drinking, Abel Koontz, wiretapping, Sean Friedrich

VMI 1.20 M.A.D. transcript

VMI 1.20 M.A.D. transcript

HZ: In the background of the Echolls living room, there's a cabinet containing many framed photos of Aaron. We're used to that from the set dressing, but also a bunch of awards, including two Oscars.

JOY: Damn, I missed that. What do you think those are for?

HZ: I don't know, because I thought they'd built up Aaron to be quite a shit actor, just doing these crappy action films and sequels.

JOY: I was wondering if - when they they said that when Veronica later says that she got caught making out by the star of Breaking Point and Breaking Point 2, I was wondering if that was supposed to be a Point Break reference, if Aaron was supposed to be a Patrick Swayze type.

HZ: Maybe one of the awards is for Dance Dirty and Dance Dirty 2 then.

Season 1, transcriptVMI Pod20 January 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Neptune High, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Jeff D’Agostino, Beaver, Cassidy Casablancas, Dick Casablancas, Ryan Hansen, Kyle Gallner, Aaron Echolls, Harry Hamlin, Mac, Mac Mackenzie, Tina Majorino, Carmen, Tad, Clarence Wiedman, Christopher B Duncan, Alicia Fennel, Erica Gimpel, boats, awful guys of Neptune, tattoos, humiliation, phones, cellphones, video, revenge, vengeance, sex tape, drugs, Keith's romances, sex, revenge porn, sex shaming, Toxic Neptune, cars, videos, incriminating videos, entrapment, Missing Duncan, passports, eBay, escape plans, prom, homophobia, military, navy, dances, LGBTQ, Boy George, Seth, ecstasy, Troy, hair, guys that suck, Paris Hilton, Star Wars Kid, memes, viral videos, Ghyslain Raza, sleeveless henley, clothes, jackets, fashion, clothing, rotatokissing, Oscars, awards, set dressing, Echolls home, Point Break, Patrick Swayze, Dirty Dancing, surfing, Mexico, cheerleaders, surf and chicks fest, dog names, dogs, A Dog Named Boo, songs, music, LoVe, Loganica, Finding out true love is blind, Louis XIV, lyrics, bad songs, novelty hats, boardwalk, hats, photos, photobooth, photoshop, framing, websites, graphic design, long lens, drug dealing, chicken kiev, Chevy Impala, Tijuana, motels, accents, swingles, Mr Heinrich, costumes, costuming, Catalina Island, sailing, dates, dating, Chinatown, newspaper, paper, serving, lawsuits, divorce, Lianne Mars, Albacore Club, Tuna Club of Avalon, legal proceedings, legal procedure, Loretta Cancun, Ameenah Kaplan, Cliff, Cliff McCormack, dance, tricking a hotel receptionist, props, Felix, Shelly Pomroy's party, nonconsensual drugging, nonconsensual intoxication, GHB, crapface, emotional abuse, coercion, hot tub, lighting, Kane Software, bugs, houseplants, roofies, rohypnol

VMI 1.19 Hot Dogs transcript

VMI 1.19 Hot Dogs transcript

JOY: Logan is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

HZ: Yeah, although you do assume that the chocolates will be brownish green and a bit out of date. What what? But still delicious. Delicious, but bad for you.

Season 1, transcriptVMI Pod13 January 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Neptune High, Mandy, dogs, missing animals, pets, animals, pet theft, dognapping, dog theft, Trina Echolls, Alyson Hannigan, Aaron Echolls, Harry Hamlin, awful men of Neptune, violence, knives, Dylan, Leo D'Amato, Max Greenfield, abuse, family abuse, domestic violence, Judy Blume, Forever, canine, dog pound, Jack Russells, Claire Titelman, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Missing Duncan, the Fonz, Celeste Kane, Kanes, Kane house, spy pen, Wishbone, Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse, Lynn Echolls, wills, inheritance, legacy, Snausage, Backup, Matthew Carey, Hans, Lisa Thornhill, pearls, Alicia Fennel, Keith's romances, 101 Dalmatians, henley, kissing, kisses, Loganica, VeGan, LoVe, Drive Me Crazy, Melissa Joan Hart, Adrian Grenier, Tasers, warrants, NDAs, non-disclosure agreements

VMI 1.18 Weapons of Class Destruction transcript

VMI 1.18 Weapons of Class Destruction transcript

HZ: Veronica visits the website killemall. Jenny, please describe what you see, because we watched the episode together and she screamed for minutes upon sight of this thing.
JR: Tell me all about it.
JOY: Oh my god, it's like a ticking countdown clock, and I think there's like a demonic laugh that happens right when the page loads and it's like, “Hahahahaha," it's counting down. I also think there's like a some kind of demonic visage somewhere on the page. It’s like “Something demonic is gonna happen in 48 hours and 15 minutes and 22 seconds, suckers.”
JR: It's great. It's great stuff. Beautiful design, I love the red, it really pops.
JOY: It really pops.
JR: Love that font, it is like borderline Papyrus, I think.
JOY: Like evil Papyrus.
JR: Yeah, Demonic Papyrus.
HZ: I used that on my wedding invitations.

transcript, Season 1VMI Pod7 January 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Neptune High, Joanna Robinson, special guest, Leo D’Amato, Deputy Leo, Max Greenfield, Veronica’s boyfriends, Veronica’s romances, Corny, Miss Dent, Sydney Tamiia Poitier, Joey Lauren Adams, Chasing Amy, Michael McMillian, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Home Improvement, wigs, hair, drugs, bombs, bomb dogs, bomb squad, Theo Rossi, Sons of Anarchy, Norris, Ben, throwing stars, Kurosawa, weapons, swords, web, websites, internet, wifi, Mac, Alicia Fennel, Erica Gimpel, Keith's romances, dating, romance, kissing, kisses, kiss, popcorn, Van Clemmons, Vice Principal Clemmons, Duane Daniels, undercover agents, Miss Roush, Veronica's voices, journalism, papers, newspapers, media, Tiger Beat, punching, punches, violence, face punching, fertilizer, lies, Heathers, Jason Dean, Christian Slater, mullets, Storm Warning, Ginger Rogers, Doris Day, Ronald Reagan, The Crucible, dogs, sniffer dogs, fonts, Papyrus, web design, Meg Manning, Duncan Kane, Alona Tal, Teddy Dunn, passports, disappearing Duncan, Mannequin, problematic faves, cars, Nissan Xterra, Camelot motel, Logan's clothes, LoVe, Braveheart, Taut Blondes, ATF, ATF agents, 21 Jump Street, Miss Stafford, pep, Switched At Birth, expired passports, escape, absconding, guest stars, Tina Majorino, Miss Murphy

VMI 1.17 Kanes and Abel's transcript

VMI 1.17 Kanes and Abel's transcript

JOY: Helen! Helen!! Veronica - Veronica cracks open her… was this the laptop that she specifically only uses for her personal Lilly Kane murder investigation, with her Lilly Kane murder investigation desktop wallpaper?

HZ: That would explain why she uses the school computers for things that really should be done in private rather than a busy classroom. There's big yellow letters across the top of the screen that say “Lilly Kane murder investigation." Which, you would think she would call it something else.

JOY: Yeah, taxes, you know, what do people call porn folders on their computer? Something that will make someone who sees it over your shoulder be like, “Oh, boring. Gotta go." But no, it's ‘Lilly Kane murder investigation’, and then there are folders all over the desktop, clearly labelled each of the Kanes, Eli ‘Weevil' Navarro, etc, etc. I was watching this episode, and I had to screenshot this desktop situation. And I sent it to Helen, who immediately responded - because the photo is from prom, that fateful, almost Skinny Dip night when Lilly was really stoked about going braless - and Helen said, “I too like to remember my dead loved ones at their most busty."

HZ: It's what they would have wanted.

transcript, Season 1VMI Pod17 December 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Neptune High, Amelia DeLongpre, Clarence Wiedman, Abel Koontz, hats, Vinnie Van Lowe, Ken Marino, Hall and Oates, Private Eyes, Loyola Marymount, students, undergrad, wallpaper, dankness, motel, hair, midterms, Sabrina Fuller, Jessica Fuller, Hamilton Cho, James Cho, argyle, polo shirts, cardigans, tires, Caz Truman, Jake Kane, Celeste Kane, Lisa Thornhill, Kyle Secor, Clash of the Titans, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Italian, pram, car, ads, sex chat phonelines, pranks, sabotage, harassment, rave, ravers, speculative flashbacks, Lilly's murder, Leonard Wu, college, scholarships, academic, Quiet Power Keith, laptops, epilepsy, mental health, George Bush, Barbara Bush, Bill Clinton, costuming, set dressing, wealth inequality, laundry, evidence

VMI 1.16 Betty and Veronica transcript

VMI 1.16 Betty and Veronica transcript

HZ: In Wallace's locker, there's a gift - an offering!

JOY: A spirit box! Do you guys have spirit boxes in the UK?

HZ: Of course not, sports players are privileged enough.

JOY: Do you guys have spirit of any kind in the UK?

HZ: We have spirits, as in the booze kind.

JOY: Ah yes, now that's a box I'd like to receive in my locker.

HZ: It’d probably get you into trouble, Jenny. This box is is green with yellow frills and it's got a big green frog in it and “Go Wallace, we love you, you rock” somewhere involved. And in it there's a load of snickerdoodles. Which is not a cookie we have in Britain either. Is it worth bothering with?

JOY: I mean, I love a snickerdoodle - I'm an equal opportunity employer of cookies.

HZ: That's very thoughtful.

Season 1, transcriptVMI Pod9 December 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Neptune High, Leo D’Amato, Deputy Leo, Max Greenfield, Meg Manning, Alona Tal, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Jake Kane, Kyle Secor, Celeste Kane, Lisa Thornhill, Lianne Mars, Corinne Bohrer, Clarence Wiedman, Christopher B Duncan, parrots, mascots, goats, animals, theft, Pan High, sports, basketball, betting, bets, bookies, cookies, pep, snickerdoodles, rehab, Riverdale, Vice Principal Clemmons, Skee-Lo, I Wish, Sally Field, gambling, jocks, pranks, meat, rest stop 15, Editor Duncan, making love, Jack, goat in a van, van, Amelia DeLongpre

VMI 1.15 Ruskie Business transcript

VMI 1.15 Ruskie Business transcript

HZ: Meg has got a secret admirer. She's narrowed it down to two guys. Someone sweet but moony called Martin, or someone called Caz who's flirty, but he would flirt with a trashcan if it had boobs.
JOY: Trying to picture a trash can with boobs. Hang on one second.
HZ: Pretty sexy.
JOY: Okay, please go on. I'm ready.
HZ: But Meg needs to find out who, because it could be her soulmate - there's a lot of soulmate chat this episode.
JOY: Meg, you're 16, you barely even have a soul let alone its mate. Her soul is still baking!
HZ: You're basically a trash can with boobs!

transcript, Season 1VMI Pod3 December 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, legal, season 1, Neptune High, Max Greenfield, Deputy Leo, Leo D'Amato, Pretty In Pink, 1980s, eighties, Duckie, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Madonna, Trina Echolls, Alyson Hannigan, Risky Business, Tom Cruz, Tom Cruise, WITSEC, witness protection, state’s evidence, Steuben glass, egg, Total Eclipse of the Heart, Bonnie Tyler, Valentine’s Day, dancing, dances, Valentines, Lynn Echolls, Meg Manning, Alona Tal, dating, relationships, romance, love, phones, texts, text messages, postcards, Russians, jocks, Caz, Martin, show homes, trash can with boobs, Chupa Chups, lollipops, Cynthia LaMontagne, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffonica, jockstraps, parties, Jill Straps, flowers, Manny the florist, Catarina Lenova, dogs, catahoula leopard dogs, dog breeds, Detective Wallace, accents, English accents, Charley Mossman, pets, dingos, ocelots, porcupines, threeways, state dogs, state animals, Idyllwild, Mayor Max, golden retrievers, Karl, sketch artist, Scott Michael Morgan, Bluths, Bluth family, Arrested Development, attraction, makeovers, Ian Somerhalder, Wang Chung, Lianne Mars, Barstow, Neptune geography, Clarence Wiedman

VMI 1.14 Mars vs Mars transcript

VMI 1.14 Mars vs Mars transcript

HZ: I don't like this episode very much, Jenny.

JOY: Man, agree - hard agree. This is difficult, but unfortunately I guess we have to talk about it anyway.

transcript, Season 1VMI Pod27 November 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, legal, season 1, Neptune High, Adam Scott, Leighton Meester, Carrie Bishop, Susan Knight, Mr Rooks, teachers, Sting, The Police, Don't Stand So Close To Me, songs, singing, pregnancy, statutory rape, sex crime, lyrics, rhyming, rhymes, feminine rhymes, masculine rhymes, Lolita, Nabokov, Mars vs Mars, Gossip Girl, Duncan Kane, doctors, theft, medical records, Abel Koontz, kitten heels, mental health, Cliff!, Cliff McCormack, Deputy Leo, Leo D'Amato, lasagne, Rolling Stones, vinyl, MUN, mock United Nations, Model United Nations, text messages, Sweet Knees, sex offender registry, Max Greenfield

VMI 1.13: Lord of the Bling transcript

VMI 1.13: Lord of the Bling transcript

HZ: At school Veronica is at the lunch tables questioning Yolanda's friend Gabrielle who's just talking, talking, talking, talking. And I love how Veronica says in voiceover some stuff that really illustrates the daddy-daughter dynamic chez Mars.

VERONICA VOICEOVER: One thing about an ex-cop for a dad is that some boring Sunday when you’ve seen all the reruns, he might kill time describing, for instance, how to tell if someone’s lying in an interrogation. Take Yolanda’s friend Gabrielle here: the indirect eye contact, the smile that doesn’t crinkle the eyes.

HZ: It's so useful. I wish I'd had such a useful dad. He probably could have told me how to like cut down a tree or something - but then I wouldn't have been allowed to touch his chainsaw.
JOY: OMG, a chainsaw!
HZ: Oh, my dad loves his chainsaw, yeah.
JOY: <psycho music>
HZ: Not like that; you would never besmirch it with human flesh, it would clog the chain! God, Jenny.
JOY: Oh my god. My mistake.
HZ: Have some respect for the implement!

transcript, Season 1VMI Pod18 November 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Neptune High, Anthony Anderson, Black-ish, robes, bedwear, loungewear, jewelry, jewellery, Switched at Birth, Yolanda Hamilton, Bone Hamilton, Bryce Hamilton, phones, land lines, blackmail, kidnapping, ransoms, hotels, costumes, Mars acting, Mars disguises, bugs, drains, drainage, water, engineering, marriage, underage marriage, Las Vegas, elopement, stereotypes, Shari Headley, physics, National Velvet, Black Velvet, Alannah Myles, bad backs, music, rappers, rap music, hip hop, missing persons, Sam Bloom, glass bricks, tax evasion, tax, chainsaws, blenders, clubs, flashback hands, Dick Casablancas, Aaron Echolls, Harry Hamlin, Lynn Echolls, funeral, Trina Echolls, telegrams, Columbo, Dime Bag, The Eagles, Sonic Snoop, bugging, infidelity, musicians, art, set design, furniture, decor, decoration, musical notes art, why are you ruining Jenny's life?, George M Cohan, Yankee Doodle Dandy, Duncan Kane, ransom notes, toxic masculinity, toxic Neptune, comms, Skype, video calling, communication, Nevada, song

VMI 1.12: Clash of the Tritons transcript

VMI 1.12: Clash of the Tritons transcript

HZ: Veronica's playing with the stapler, partly as a sign of rudeness and partly so she can swap it with a spy stapler! Is there an office supplies catalogue has identical models of the most common stationary items but with cameras in?

JOY: And had Veronica noted what kind of stapler she had before? Like on a previous trip to Miss James’s office?

HZ: I admire the research.

JOY: The important questions of our times.

HZ: And also does it function as a real stapler?

JOY: Oh, great question.

HZ: I suppose it must, because otherwise it would arouse suspicion.

Season 1, transcriptVMI Pod5 November 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Neptune High, secret society, secret societies, Triton, Tritons, rich white boy bullshit, wankers, secrets, pledges, hazing, karaoke, myths, Clash of the Titans, Harry Hamlin, Aaron Echolls, Lisa Rinna, Lynn Echolls, suicide, abuse, Miss James, Rebecca James, grief, therapy, staplers, counselling, spy equipment, spy office supplies, spy stationery, Rick, Tim, ID cards, fake ID, felonies, Detective Wallace, Singing Duncan, conch, conch shells, mental health, Burning Man, Sheriff Lamb, Don Lamb, Piers Gaveston, drinking societies, clubs, Oxford, David Cameron, Piggate, Blondie, One Way Or Another, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Black Mirror, Cliff!, Cliff McCormack, lockers, spycams, bugs, awful white boys of Neptune, Ansel Adams

VMI 1.11: Silence of the Lamb transcript

VMI 1.11: Silence of the Lamb transcript

JOY: This episode is anti-guitarist propaganda. This is very offensive representation of the guitar playing community. This guitar store - okay, if you're not watching along with us for some reason, let me just paint you a picture. Helen, they’re at a guitar store - listen, they are in the fifth circle of hell. If you're a musician and you're like, “Wow, I love being a musician but man, it is sure difficult to go to Guitar Center” because there's always like somebody playing ‘Stairway to Heaven’ as loud as they possibly can poorly and then somebody across the the store plugged into a different amp playing fucking Free Bird - it's a sonic nightmare. And this guitar store takes that idea and - to nod in the general direction of Spinal Tap - turns it all the way up to 11! There's like 100 dudes around, it's basically a chug chug a circle jerk of 10 dudes standing in a circle playing <metal riff>. Why would this happen? Also! Also, there's this mural behind the register, that eventually the guitar store guy comes out and talks to them in front of, that's kind of like a D&D/fantasy/Megadeth album cover of like a sort of like Conan the Barbarian meets a Minotaur kind of thing and he's like shirtless and he has a guitar and his arms in the air and like there's probably like lightning and mountains and shit behind him. I just - Helen. Helen, Helen. Did you see it?
HZ: Jenny. Are you ok?
JOY: I'm not okay.
HZ: Do you need me to call a medic?

transcript, Season 1VMI Pod28 October 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Serial murder, serial killers, murder, murderers, guitars, guitarists, guitar stores, music, guitar wankers, guitar strings, E string strangler, misogyny, party people, party girls, Aaron Paul, Gabe, privateeyez.com, Mac, Cindy Mackenzie, Mac’s parents, baby swap, lawsuits, Madison Sinclair, Sheriff Lamb, Don Lamb, Lambsplaining, parents, nachos, family, families, rugby, Steve Monroe, Switched at Birth, Clarence Wiedman, Christmas, Christmas decorations, Xmas, festive, twelfth night

VMI 1.10: An Echolls Family Christmas transcript

VMI 1.10: An Echolls Family Christmas transcript

HZ: At Mars HQ, Keith and Aaron are having some coffee. Keith asks Aaron to pull a file out which he's got tucked into his armpit, which I found really cute. But I was wondering also whether Keith had a kind of game plan of informality with Aaron and cosseting him a bit where he's like, "So, you fucked someone that's not your wife, but my memory is not so good, either. So it doesn't matter that you lied to me."

JOY: Aaron seems like somebody who's gonna lie to make himself look better, until he doesn't have the opportunity to do so but still wants to feel good about himself. So I think the trick to getting Aaron's to cop to stuff is give him soft ways to backpedal for sure.

HZ: Keith is very smart. Then he's like, "I'm not going to tell Lynn that you cheated, because you didn't hire me to tell you that you cheated, she hired me to protect you. So here's a list of people who were at the Casablancas Halloween party. Can you circle the people that you slept with?" And Aaron's like circle circle circle and Keith's like, "No just the people you slept with whilst at the party." Amazing. And Aaron's like, "Ooof. I was on the hard cider." Now, anyone who's been 15 years old in Britain can identify.

transcript, Season 1VMI Pod21 October 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Christmas, Xmas, parties, pumpkins, pumpkin carving, stabbing, murder, attempted murder, sex, Little Bo Peep, costumes, costume parties, Aaron Echolls, Lynn Echolls, Harry Hamlin, Lisa Rinna, poker, cards, diuretics, tea, Drunken Kane, fake drunkenness, bad acting, oh Duncan, Sean, sports, sport, Logan’s racist remarks, cigars, Padres, Chekhov's Sports Christmas Ornaments, Chekhov’s Mess, Chekhov’s Pumpkin, Chekhov’s Abs, Chekhov’s Teabag, douchebags of Neptune, Sean Friedrich, Connor Larkin, Fabergé, Fabergé eggs, wealth, poolhouse, Logan’s poolhouse, carols, carollers, carol singers, fake snow, tennis, infidelity, lies, silky milkmaid, pumpkin carvers, whatever the French is for pumpkin carvers, enormous underwear, strip poker, butlers, Michael Bublé, scoopers, stabbers, Jake Kane, Celeste Kane, harassment, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Halloween, Zach McNees, games, card games, FauxNiners, BroNiners, 09ers, Zach Facts, Fact Check with Zach’s Deck

VMI 1.09: Drinking the Kool-Aid transcript

VMI 1.09: Drinking the Kool-Aid transcript

HZ: Have you heard the word ‘mooncalf’ before, Jenny?
JOY: I haven't, should I have?
HZ: Well, it's a derogatory term for stupid people.
JOY: Really? What a strange choice!
HZ: Yeah, but it derives from a word from the 1500s that meant an abortive foetus of a cow or a farm animal. Because at the time, there was the thought that a malformed foetus was the result of the moon having a malign influence on foetal development. And it was just like a fleshy mass, like Duncan Kane. Why would you name your cult after an abortive cow foetus?
JOY: Yeah, this is a very strange choice now that you're giving me some context. before that I was just like “how sweet, how nice”.
HZ: Yes, it is quite a pretty name until you know what it means. And then it sucks.

transcript, Season 1VMI Pod15 October 2019Drinking the Kool-Aid, Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, 1990s, fads, crazes, trends, waterbeds, beds, pigs, Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs, poinsettias, cults, cash crops, communes, mooncalf, runaways, teens, gross guys, PDA, teachers, poetry, house plants, plants, horses, cows, milking, MILK, milk carton kids, PD James, bad shirts, Aaron Samuels, Mean Girls, cult deprogramming, inheritance, inherited wealth, wills, grandmas, dying grandmas, Mooncalf Collective, Miss Mills, beanbags, Social Distortion, Clarence Wiedman, Kane Software, surveillance, cars, fancy cars, Porsche, Jonathan Bennett, Kool-Aid, Flavor Aid

VMI 1.08: Like A Virgin transcript

VMI 1.08: Like A Virgin transcript

HZ: Keith comes in buttoning his cuffs. And he hears Veronica saying:

VERONICA: Seriously, you should talk to him.
KEITH: Am I giving you the birds and the bees again, Wallace?

HZ: Spectacular!

JOY: Give him the birds and bees, Keith!

HZ: Oh, wouldn't you love the birds and bees talk from Keith?

JOY: If I had to get it from somebody.

HZ: It'd scare you into never fucking a bee.

JOY: Or a bird.

Season 1, transcriptVMI Pod8 October 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Tina Majorino, Alona Tal, Meg Manning, Mac, purity test, douchebags, gross bros, toxic masculinity, toxic Neptune, awful white boys of Neptune, Cabaret, sex shaming, Power Keith, Keith Mars Power Dad, eviction, goofballs, Alicia Fennel, Erica Gimpel, Abel Koontz, death row, the Kimmy one, the Pam one, Renny the IT guy, reverse cowgirl, Dick Casablancas, Duncan Kane, Buffonica

VMI 1.07: The Girl Next Door transcript

VMI 1.07: The Girl Next Door transcript

HZ: Logan, and Weevil are stuck in detention together, and Weevil rightly complains that he got zero in the test for talking, where even though it was Logan who was talking to Weevil, and it was Logan who insulted the teacher in front of everybody. And Weevil is really on about the injustice in this town - and rightly, I think.

JOY: Yes, the injustice is real. But if the injustice didn't exist, we might not get to watch Weevil and Logan start playing poker together and they just can't stop flirting with each other.

HZ: It is beautiful. Thank goodness they're stuck in this detention unsupervised, and that they seem to have found an alliance so quickly. Unfortunately, the card game is short-lived because Mr. Daniels comes in scoops up the cards.

WEEVIL: Aw, come on, man!
LOGAN: What the hell? We were playing a game here.
DANIELS: This is punishment, gentlemen, not party time.
LOGAN: Well, that would explain the absence of balloon animals.

JOY: And gives them a full week of detention - and I'm so happy for them that he didn't confiscate the money in addition to the cards, because I feel like that could have easily happened.

HZ: That is a good point. I feel like Mr. Daniels isn't after their money in the way that Sheriff Lamb, say, would have been.

JOY: Yes, exactly.

HZ: He just hates everything - but that includes financial gain from children.

transcript, Season 1VMI Pod30 September 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, San Diego, Jessica Chastain, Abel Koontz, tiny dogs, artists, suspicion, train travel, life modelling, Academy of the Sword, neighbors, neighbours, friendship, detention, KISS KISS KISS, Lianne Mars, Jake Kane, Mr Daniels, flagpole, car, things on the flagpole, Aaron Echolls, boots, footwear, Vice Principal Clemmons, Clemmons, 1970s, 1950s, retro, Evelyn Bugby, yearbook, The Past, secrets, Kane family, paternity, fathers, cars, Weevilians, buy me a pony, Parker Abrams, Adam Kaufman, Harry Hamlin, Busby Berkeley, Buffonica

VMI 1.06: Return of the Kane transcript

VMI 1.06: Return of the Kane transcript

JOY: No, alas. We plunge headlong from this into a really beautiful father-daughter scene where Keith and Veronica are doing their detective bit together.

HZ: Yeah, their detective a bit from when they were alive in the 1940s.

JOY: Yes, exactly.

VERONICA: Tough day?
KEITH: That ain’t the half of it. See, this dame walks in and you shoulda seen the getaway sticks on her. Says something’s hinky with her old man.

JOY: If you think I'm ever referring to my legs as anything other than ‘getaway sticks’ from here on out, you are sorely mistaken.

VMI 1.04: The Wrath of Con transcript

VMI 1.04: The Wrath of Con transcript

JOY: Well, this episode begins in the way that I've always hoped and dreamed, with Veronica and Troy making out.
HZ: Outside the Mars front door, which I would have thought would be tricked out with bear traps and things that could detect Veronica kissing boys.
JOY: Yeah, yeah, like heat sensors. Maybe Keith on the other side of the door with like a stethoscope.
HZ: The heat sensor is showing exactly how much erection the boy has got.
JOY: Oh my god!
HZ: Keith goes there! He's a details guy.
JOY: That's true.

VMI 1.03: Meet John Smith transcript

VMI 1.03: Meet John Smith transcript

JOY: It's really starting to feel like Duncan is a radio, and the dial is just a spin.

HZ: Yeah, he's free-associating. “Oh, bleachers, what’s the association I have with bleachers?” Duncan Kane putting on his one-man production of Grease.

JOY: I would actually like to see that more than I've seen anything else from Duncan, a one-man production of Grease starring Duncan Kane. Hell yeah, sign me up.

HZ: You’re going to love his rendition of ‘Beauty school dropout’.

Season 1, transcriptVMI Pod2 September 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Meet John Smith, transgender, missing parent, Lianne Mars, Troy Vandegraff, video store, video rental, videos, Aaron Ashmore, dating, dates, cars, San Diego, toilet office, Celeste Kane, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, mental health, problem parents, family, families, bleachers, Grease, head injuries, medication, antidepressants, Keith dating, Rebecca James, guidance counsellor, Body Heat, Kung Fu, Jake Kane, milk, not milk, outdated technologies, San Juan Capistrano, San Clemente, Dana Point, Melissa Leo