VMI 1.13: Lord of the Bling transcript
Hear this episode at VMIpod.com/1-13
Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes storylines concerning suicide and family abuse.
You don't need a flock of rubber ducks to deduce that there will be spoilers for this episode of Veronica Mars. But there will not be spoilers for subsequent episodes of Veronica Mars.
A LONG TIME AGO, ON VERONICA MARS:
Neptune has its own gangsta rap record boss, Bone Hamilton.
And he needs Keith to find his daughter Yolanda, who is missing, presumed kidnapped.
A long time ago, Yolanda and Veronica used to be friends, but they haven’t talked lately at all. What went wrong?
What went wrong is LOGAN, but that’s nothing compared to the shit he’s dealing with this episode.
And Wallace has a new hairstyle, don’t touch it, please don’t touch it, Veronica. Stop it!
JOY: Torn between a Jude Law type and a Colin Farrell type, I’m Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: And dangling you out of a window till you sign this contract, I’m Helen Zaltzman.
You’re listening to Veronica Mars Investigations Season 1, episode 13: Lord of the Bling.
HZ: No Weevil this episode; sorry, Jenny.
JOY: I will survive, because there's lots of action. I got so distracted, I was so engaged that I even forgot to look for Weevil.
HZ: It is a very busy episode. And also what I did like is that they're seeding clues throughout, and I didn't realise until I was re-watching and taking copious notes for the purposes of podcast. But it was quite satisfying!
JOY: This is a rare episode where when I watched it for the first time, I was slightly ahead of the curve, and not just being totally surprised at the end. I feel like Bryce was looking shady and feeling unappreciated, which often leads to, you know, blackmailing your father by pretending your sister's been kidnapped and getting him to put his quarter million dollar ring in a tiny plastic football during a rainstorm.
HZ: Well, my dad was very into pranks, so I feel like he would have at least appreciated the game.
JOY: Yeah, I mean, Bone seems on board with it.
HZ: It's inconclusive. But we open on Bone, played by Anthony Anderson, now of Black-ish. He's by the pool - he's got a very nice place. He's also got a really nice dark red velvet robe, and his wife Vanessa also has a really nice silky robe. This family has great robes.
JOY: Robe lyf!
HZ: Oh, they're living the robe life. He's also got a big ring and he's having a very angry big money chat on a phone via an earpiece.
JOY: “10 million or don't bother!”
HZ: Yeah, that's how I am.
JOY: Yeah, every day.
HZ: Oh - the actor Shari Headley who plays Vanessa, Bone’s wife, was also in the show Switched at Birth. There are a lot of cast of Veronica Mars in Switched at Birth.
JOY: Oh my God!
HZ: So while Bone is angrily on the phone, Vanessa needs him to sign a form getting their son Bryce out of PE so that he can do an independent study class instead, after a request from his physics teacher. I didn't register this at all until rewatch, I just thought, oh, boring family detail. But - relevant clues.
JOY: There are no boring family details in the Marsverse.
HZ: Not today! By the way, though, does the school require waivers to be signed by two parents? Or only the father? Because if so, what about solo parent families?
JOY: Maybe their parenting style is that they discuss all changes regarding school stuff for their kids together.
HZ: Evidently, the idea of a son who does not do PE chafes Bone where he lives.
BONE: Dropping PE. You know that boy could stand to get hit in the head with a dodge ball or two. Toughen his ass up. And why’s this club bill so high this month?
VANESSA: Yolanda took riding lessons.
BONE: Like on a horse? First time I saw a horse, I was thirteen. Damn thing was on TV.
VANESSA: And the streets was tough and you lost a lot of homies, but this is Neptune and her friends took them. You should talk to her when she comes home from Gabrielle’s. She’s supposed to call if she stays over.
BONE: I’ll do more than talk to her, all right. Tell me this, baby: how did a man like me end up with National Black Velvet and Urkel, huh?
HZ: You learn so much from all of these things. You learn that son Bryce is considered a soft boy; Yolanda's growing up a lot more privileged than her dad; dad grew up on the streets, and a lot of his friends did not survive; Vanessa has heard all this shit loads of times before. Then Dad drops a reference to National Velvet. Is he a fan of Enid Bagnold’s novel about a girl who pretends to be a man in order to win the Grand National and the film adaptation thereof starring Elizabeth Taylor?
JOY: Is that what happens in ‘Black Velvet’? I mean National Velvet. ‘Black Velvet’ is a whole other thing. Black velvet, if you please.
HZ: I feel like they would be more acquainted with the Alannah Myles song ‘Black Velvet’.
JOY: You know everything about these references.
HZ: I'm very frightened as to why this stuff lives in my brain. National Velvet is a great book. I've not seen the film, but the book is tremendous. But I don't know how big it was in America.
JOY: I feel like I can't say for the book, but I feel like I've heard about the Elizabeth Taylor film a ton. So Bone is basically like, I can't believe my kids turned out to be a horse girl and a nerd.
HZ: Yeah. And then Bryce, the nerd, arrives, and it's clear that he doesn't fit in because he's not wearing an excellent robe.
JOY: Yeah, maybe if they would just get him a nice robe, things would be different in the family dynamic.
HZ: Maybe you have to earn a robe in the Hamilton family.
JOY: He will by the end of the episode.
HZ: He looks nervous. He says “It's Yolanda. Something's happened." Tension! Over at the Mars HQ, Veronica and Wallace are doing some homework but also looking at a tabloid with a story about Lynn Echolls’s death. Apparently she left a note on a Blackberry and Veronica's like, “Talk about postmodern." But the majority of people who die by suicide do not leave any notes. Although all we have to go on here is that the tabloids say she left a note, but they could well just be making up shit.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: Logan hasn't been at school since Lynn disappeared. And Veronica is like, “We're not phone buddies.” But by the end of the episode they're porch buddies!
JOY: Porch buddies! Also, Keith needs back pills.
HZ: Yeah, he seems so tired and pained. Do you think Enrico Colantoni had been playing ice hockey again and hurt his back, and they worked into the plot, like his facial wound the other episode?
JOY: Yeah, allegedly he hoisted up a bail jumper and messed up his back in the process.
VERONICA: Next time, remember: lift drunk, combative bail jumpers with your legs, not your back.
HZ: Good advice.
JOY: Great rule of thumb, and of back. Wallace has the aforementioned lovely new hairstyle. Veronica wants to touch it.
WALLACE: Stop staring. It's just hair.
VERONICA: Resisting the urge to touch…
WALLACE: You keep resisting that urge.
JOY: And then who should arrive who should step through that door but Mr. Bone Hamilton, who wants to talk to Keith.
HZ: Wallace knows who he is!
JOY: Wallace is stoked.
WALLACE: You know who that is?
VERONICA: Should I know who that is?
WALLACE: If you’re serious about your cred with the urban demographic.
VERONICA: I am absolutely serious about my cred with the urban demo.
WALLACE: Drive-By Records. Reported to have held a man out of a window in order to get him to sign a contract. Twice jailed and emerged stronger each time. The gangster rap impresario beside whom all gangster rap impresarios measure themselves. That’s Bone Hamilton.
HZ: He's like, "He's the local Suge Knight character, a wonderful positive African American stereotype for Veronica Mars to include."
JOY: And then Veronica - because she's a detective - she puts it together pretty quick that That must be Yolanda Hamilton's dad.
WALLACE: I didn’t know you knew her.
VERONICA: We used to be friends. A long time ago.
HZ: And then anvils start raining from the sky.
JOY: And then the Sandy Warhols are like "A long time ago" - it all happened so fast!
HZ: We should introduce a drinking game for people quoting the theme song. You have to drink a pint of milk from the bottle.
JOY: Oh, no! No! Oh my god. You know, if we made people drink a pint of milk every time they said Veronica Mars’s full name, it'd be a little incentivizing for them to tone it down.
HZ: They have such high calcium levels, though, that might be good for them. In Keith's office, he's like, “Oh, Yolanda is probably missing because of teen misbehaviour” - I'm sure if Veronica was missing Keith would be on it like a fucking tiger.
JOY: He'd be tracking her phone like he was in the last episode. He'd be running her down.
HZ: Yeah, and Bone is also like, “Stop it with that bullshit.” Bone explains that his son Bryce - the one without the robe - found Yolanda's car around the block, doors open, lights still on, signs of struggle, so someone must have her. And Keith’s like, “Sounds like a matter for the police.” And Bone is like, “I don't like the police and sounds like you understand that feeling.” So Bone has done his research on Keith Mars.
JOY: Yes. He selected the local PI very carefully.
HZ: Oh totally - he’s surveyed the options. One tiny little corner of Keith's mouth smiles.
JOY: He loves it, loves when people don't trust the police.
HZ: And then ‘Fuck The Police’ rings out in a Dandy Warhols cover, and - no. Bone has large list of possible suspects.
KEITH: That’s a lot of ideas.
BONE: That’s just southern California. Now if you hear anything about New York, Detroit, Atlanta; I got more lists. I suggest you start at the top. Sam Bloom.
HZ: Bone could be a detective too. He's a multi-talent. Keith arrives home, Veronica is stirring something in a large pan.
JOY: “Something that ends with -aroni.”
HZ: It's alarming. Keith has found no clues in the car, nobody in the neighbourhood saw anything. He starts reading a magazine that presumably is about music.
VERONICA: So you figured you’d check what’s up with Nelly?
KEITH: I’m reading up on my client. And if you buy it, he's the scariest man alive who's also launching a line of casual wear.
HZ: And so now we get another Nelly reference.
JOY: This show loves Nelly!
HZ: It really does. It's nice that the Marses are collaborating on the case this episode, I did really enjoy that. Because often they are working on different things, or Veronica is being disobedient, like when she infiltrated the cult, whereas here she's helping out. It's useful intel. It's great to see this incredible team.
JOY: They're stronger together.
HZ: You know that was the Remain campaign slogan during the European referendum in Britain in 2016?
JOY: I'm sorry, Helen, if I just triggered you - that sucks.
HZ: It's true. It's a true slogan. And so Veronica is going to ask around at school and she says “This isn't the first time I've had the chance to help Yolanda Hamilton." Flashback to Veronica in her pink phase - very chunky pink sweater.
JOY: FLASSSHBAAACK.
HZ: And the blonde wig, because Madison is not wearing it this week, so past Veronica can have a go.
JOY: She borrowed it back. Terrifying.
HZ: It feels like we haven't seen Lilly Kane in a while. We get quite a lot of Lilly flashbacks this episode.
JOY: Oh yeah. Breath of fresh air - love to see it!
HZ: They're in the school halls, next to Duncan's locker, which has a Ramones sticker in it. And Yolanda is the new kid at school, and they're all watching her, basically. And of course, Logan has got to be fucking disgusting about it.
DUNCAN: Whoa! New student alert.
LILLY: Glad to see you guys are equal opportunity oglers.
LOGAN: Hey, I judge not by the colour of the skin but by the content of their sweater.
LILLY: Good thing I’m not the jealous type.
JOY: I have to say I am really impressed with how Lilly Kane manages dealing with Logan just blatantly talking about the contents of Yolanda's sweater. But I guess she knows that Logan's already dating way up. And I'm sure Logan also knows that, so she probably has a fair amount of leverage and control in the situation.
HZ: Well, they said in the previous episode that they were on and off, and I wonder whether they're the kind of couple that enjoyed winding each other up, breaking up and then getting back together because they thought that was hot.
JOY: That could be hot!
HZ: And also that they thought that making each other jealous was a hot thing to do. And that's something that Yolanda mentions in this episode too, that jealousy is hot, it isn't. JOY: Not to me.
HZ: Not to me. It's a hard way to live. Too stressful. I am lazy. And Yolanda is not even wearing a sweater.
JOY: Well I'm sure Logan just meant the proverbial sweater.
HZ: Veronica's sweater in this scene is so large it's covering virtually every student in the hallway. Someone has misdirected Yolanda, in her greenness, to the teachers’ lounge instead of English class, and Veronica goes and helps her out.
JOY: And that's how she becomes Yolanda's first friend at Neptune.
HZ: Keith goes to visit the first person on Bone's list and it is someone called Sam Bloom, who has a very visually varied office. Because he's got shelves of lawyer type books, you know, when they're leather bound, they're all the same. He’s got what looks like a load of trophies, but also a wall of Warholesque portraits, and then another huge curved wall of iridescent glass bricks. So many glass bricks in Neptune! And Sam's kid and Yolanda grew up together; and Bone and he had bad blood. It used to be mad love.
JOY: Oh my god. Helen! Taylor Swift is not welcome on this podcast.
SAM: Bad blood, huh? Well, that’s one way to put it. Hatred would be another way. Oh, so he didn’t fill you in. When Bone was, uh, as he’s fond of telling the magazines, fighting his way up from the mean streets, he didn’t advertise the fact that much of his success was due to his comfortably upper middle class Jewish lawyer. Everyone was making money.
KEITH: It sounds like you were on good terms.
SAM: Sounds like it. When he later didn’t tell me that he was involved in some ingenious tax evasion, I had to make a choice. Lose my practice to the IRS or talk. I chose to save my practice. Bone went back to prison.
HZ: And isn't it interesting because when they introduce Bone and they're like “He's been in prison twice,” I suppose you're meant to conclude that it was because of murdering some enemies? But it was for tax evasion.
JOY: It's not the scariest reason for somebody to go to prison, I guess, if you're looking to like beef, beef up your reputation, and intimidate people. But after all this happens, while Bone was in prison, there was a drive by. And 10 bullets were shot into Sam Bloom's car, and as a result, he now uses a wheelchair.
HZ: At school Veronica is at the lunch tables questioning Yolanda's friend Gabrielle who's just talking, talking, talking, talking. And I love how Veronica says in voiceover some stuff that really illustrates the daddy-daughter dynamic chez Mars.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: One thing about an ex-cop for a dad is that some boring Sunday when you’ve seen all the reruns, he might kill time describing, for instance, how to tell if someone’s lying in an interrogation. Take Yolanda’s friend Gabrielle here: the indirect eye contact, the smile that doesn’t crinkle the eyes.
HZ: It's so useful. I wish I'd had such a useful dad. He probably could have told me how to like cut down a tree or something - but then I wouldn't have been allowed to touch his chainsaw.
JOY: OMG, a chainsaw!
HZ: Oh, my dad loves his chainsaw, yeah.
JOY: <psycho music>
HZ: Not like that; you would never besmirch it with human flesh, it would clog the chain! God, Jenny.
JOY: Oh my god. My mistake.
HZ: Have some respect for the implement!
JOY: The blood gets everywhere and coagulates...
HZ: You'd have to clean it - he doesn't want to do that. Veronica tells Gabrielle to quit lying and thus she finds out that she and Yolanda had snuck out to a club in LA called Blender. Have you been Jenny? Is it your local fun emporium?
JOY: I haven't. I haven't been to Blender; I don't think it's real, but who knows?
HZ: Some other information imparted: the bouncer Marcel used to work for Bone; Gabrielle has been dating an older guy, so they left, but Yolanda had her car. Veronica is like, “Well, I hope she's okay.” And Gabrielle's like, “So you think I don't? She's my friend - who are you?” Veronica's like, “Who am I? Flashback to when I was Yolanda's first friend! And on her first day I introduced her to this group of friends,” and she's eating 09er privilege food - Chinese takeout - at the lunch tables. Pirate Point food. With Dick, both Kanes, and Logan; and Yolanda's fitting in great!
JOY: She is fitting in great.
HZ: Yolanda is fitting in great because she does a gross rich person joke. So she's already got the theme of Neptune High.
DICK: So, new girl. What’s your dad do?
YOLANDA: He’s one of the Dixie Chicks. And, yeah, he makes more money than your dad.
JOY: Oh, man, this felt less like a gross, rich person thing to me, and maybe this is like just a big miss on my part, but it just felt more like someone putting Dick in his place -
HZ: That's also welcome.
JOY: - when he's trying to suss out where Yolanda fits in the economic hierarchy of Neptune High.
HZ: Right, so she's speaking the only language Dick understands, which is money insults.
JOY: Right. Right.
HZ: Right. "My dad's bigger than your dad."
JOY: You know, Helen. Yes. You know, it's one of the great tragedies of this life, is that nobody except me will ever get to see what you did with your hands while you were repeating Veronica's voiceover.
HZ: What did I do?
JOY: You said, “Who am I?” and you put your hands with your fingers outspread on either side of your face and kind of like pulled them slowly away while you said, “I was Yolanda's first friend at Neptune High and flashback!” and then kind of like out went the hands, a little like jazz hands, spirit fingers style.
HZ: Flashback hands!
JOY: Flashback hands, exactly. So everybody at home, moving forward, whenever Helen calls out a flashback, please think of this imagine do flashback hands with us.
HZ: You do across and an outward motion and then up. Is that right? I wasn't really conscious. I was just in the moment of flashback.
JOY: Away from the face and then out. I will make a visual so that people can study, learn and practice at home
HZ: Imagine you're opening some curtains and then pulling up a blind. Other information we learned from this scene, though, is that Logan is going to have his twice yearly huge party because his parents are away in Nepal.
JOY: Yeah, hard to imagine Aaron Echolls in Nepal. But I guess that's a thing.
HZ: And now we see another robe in this episode. It's on Aaron Echolls. It's like a silky black robe because he's in mourning. And he's sitting on the edge of the bed looking sad because it's the day of Lynn's funeral. And Logan has got a suit bag and says, “Here's your costume.” So he's clearly still of a mind that Aaron is playing the grieving husband.
JOY: Yeah, and Aaron tells this story about - this is interesting - back when Logan was a little boy, they had a day where they all went to the zoo together.
HZ: Logan's 10th birthday.
JOY: Right, and Aaron and Logan played a trick on Lynn where they said we're going to dress up as your favourite animal for when we go to the zoo, we're all going to dress up and then nobody dressed up except Lynn. And they were like, “Haha!” That's like one thing. And then the next thing is that Lynn's favourite animal is a mermaid, which feels like a strange choice. It’s almost an animal. It's like 50% of an animal.
HZ: Are you meant to think Lynn is stupid for thinking that's an animal or just fanciful? She feels some kinship with these mythological creatures? Or is it like Neptune - it's like Triton, mermaids, aquatic theme.
JOY: I felt like they were trying to make me think Lynn was not so sharp. But what I walked away from this story with was a feeling of, like, her mind is has room for more fantastical things than the people around her.
HZ: It's a kind of shit prank to play.
JOY: Yeah, what the hell?
HZ: Lynn kept the costume on for the rest of the day, as her revenge. I imagine she would have looked very good as a mermaid. It seems like you know, she's a good swimmer, we've seen that in the other episode.
JOY: We've definitely seen her swim.
HZ: I saw a picture of Lisa Rinna dressed up this Halloween as JLo in her green Versace Grammys dress. She looked very good, so Lisa Rinna can carry off a costume.
JOY: Helen, you really have your finger on the pulse of the world; has anybody ever told you that? I feel like you're always like, “This and that and this other thing I just saw. I'm keeping close tabs on all of you I'm watching and waiting and the second - the second you let your guard down I will triumph over you and absorb your power and everything will be English!”
HZ: No, no not another Empire. No! That was bad enough before.
JOY: No no, like English Breakfast, like all breakfast just becomes English Breakfast. All tea becomes English breakfast. Wait.
HZ: Everything's gonna be breakfast. All day every day.
JOY: Everything is going to be English Breakfast, no matter what it is.
HZ: Get ready for your heart to collapse, but what a way to go. But this is a reminiscence for Aaron. Not a great memory for Logan.
LOGAN: Yeah, I remember that day. On the way home I spilled a milkshake in the Beamer and you gave me a nosebleed.
AARON: You poured that milkshake out in the backseat because we didn’t buy you a monkey, then, when I went to grab you, you smacked your head against a window.
LOGAN: I guess we just remember it differently, Dad.
HZ: I think also this way that Logan says, “I guess we just remember it differently, Dad,” is really like, quiet but -
JOY: - Brutal.
HZ: Yeah. It's a horrible scene. There's also some more references to Logan's sister Trina filming in Sydney but sent a telegram and a wreath.
JOY: Which Logan says, “Yeah, it's beautiful. It probably set set you back hundreds, dad,” implying that Trina also is living off the family money even though she's in Sydney on some kind of shoot.
HZ: And kids - a telegram was like when you sent a text, but on paper, and you spelled out punctuation rather than using no punctuation at all.
JOY: Right. Wow. How about that. Well done, Helen.
HZ: Thank you. At the Mars offices, Keith is off to see number four on the list, Marcel, the aforementioned door guy at the club Blenders and also Bone's ex-bodyguard - until he paid too much attention to Yolanda. Although I guess not so much attention that he would have not let her into a club when she's underage.
JOY: Yeah. And kids, a club is like, Tinder but everyone is all in the same room together and there's like loud music.
HZ: <beats>
JOY: Yeah, yeah. And instead of swiping on people you might like buy someone a drink or try to start a conversation with them.
HZ: Or dance up to them, physically swipe them.
JOY: I... ok.
HZ: It was a more forward time.
JOY: "Physically swipe them" leaves too much to the - there's just too much possibility in that phrase, but I do love dancing up to people.
HZ You would saunter up to them doing your flashback hands in time to the music.
JOY: Works every time, Helen.
HZ: And that's how babies are made. But before we get to go to a club, which we will, there's this very very cute exchange between the Marses:
KEITH: This is a Mars Investigation matter. I'm Mars.
VERONICA: And who am I?
KEITH: Veronica, and you're staying.
VERONICA: Veronica Mars.
HZ: Which just: lovely delivery on both. And also, it just establishes that she's getting to be quite the detective and he should recognise. And also she's like “You're on these painkillers for your back, so I have to go with you because you shouldn't drive on all the painkillers." So here we are at the club. Keith is not dressed for it because he's wearing a beige macintosh.
JOY: Beige is not a clubbing colour colour palette.
HZ: But it would be great for a Columbo cosplay club, which I would enjoy a lot more than most clubs. The other disappointing thing is that I've been to the world's biggest blender, which is in Orem, Utah - a bit south of Salt Lake City.
JOY: Uhhhh….what? Like a blender like...?
HZ: Like a two storey blender. It's on the front of a blender company, except it’s basically a big jug - I don't think it should count as the world's biggest blender because the critical thing about a blender is it has blades in it and instead there's just a revolving door where the employees go in and out so obviously blades would have a very different effect. But it is just then a big jug. But this club, Blenders, does not appear to have a big blender on it. And so I'm as disappointed about that as I am about the lack of Columbo theming. In summary, we learn from Marcel on the door that Keith needs to look for a rapper named Dime Bag who is responsible for such hits as ‘Shot My Boo’ and ‘Thuggin’.
JOY: “Lovely tunes, I'm sure,” says Keith.
HZ: He also is on Bone's list.
KEITH: Number two on the list. He was here Saturday night with his bunch of dudes.
VERONICA: His posse, Dad. The Eagles had a bunch of dudes.
JOY: He's the guy who Bone dangled out of a window - the fabled guy who was dangled out of a window by Bone.
HZ: And then Veronica makes reference to the Eagles like any teen of the 2000s.
JOY: Yeah, maybe because they're in California or something?
HZ: I suppose. And while Keith is eliciting this information from Marcel Veronica who's promised to stay in the car just stole the valet's stubs.
JOY: Jacked the whole handful. Rude, Veronica, but also - you got to find out what you got to find out. And speaking of hotels and California, now it's time for the Marses to swing over to the hotel where Dime Bag and his crew are staying so that they can bug their room. “Love to bug” - it's like the Mars Investigations motto.
HZ: Love to bug Mr. Bag. They've been told that Mr. Bag is out of town, and so the Marses have to resort to Plan B. Keith dresses up as a janitor. And Veronica's got the whole bug collection, asking which one he wants, which is great to see.
JOY: What do you think they like what do you think the differences are?
HZ: Well, they’ve probably got a special one for like Christmas and birthdays.
JOY: Sure, sure.
HZ: They got probably some that maybe make for a mellower vocal tone. Some that work better in stationery; some that work better in cars. I do wonder how they choose. You just travel with all your bugs and then you make an emotional decision.
JOY: Follow your heart.
HZ: Veronica waits in the lobby whilst Keith goes up to bug the room, and does a heavy segue to a flashback in that, “I never thought I'd be waiting in a hotel lobby while my dad bugs a rapper’s room rather than just hanging out with Yolanda and Lilly just like we did in the first month of our normal friendship -" flashback flashback flashback flashback!
JOY: We see that trio of girls walking through Yolanda's house, there are Platinum records freaking everywhere - Bone must be very busy and very rich. And Lilly says, “Aha, your dad's Tupac."
HZ: We've got a little glimpse of Bryce being weird as well, just kind of lurking.
JOY: Well, is he lurking or is he just in a spot in his own home?
HZ: He just happens to be crouched by Yolanda's door, what's weird about that?
JOY: Yeah, I guess I guess the crouching really pushes it over the line - find a chair, my dude, it’s a big house.
HZ: Maybe he's doing squats. And so they're kind of dismissive of Bryce as always, poor Bryce.
JOY: And then it's time to talk about boys. My favourite topic. Wow, Lilly's like, “For my next boyfriend, should I go for a Jude Law type or a Colin Farrell type?” And I'm like, “Why choose?” Everyone else is like, “What do you mean, ‘next boyfriend’? What about Logan?” nd we find out she's done with Logan - he's too jealous, she's had enough, she's over his shit; and Yolanda, in return for her part, likes a guy with a jealous streak; and Lilly says, “He's all yours."
LILLY: I’m ditching his party this weekend 'cause I don't want him getting all crazy violent every time a boy undresses me with his eyes, which happens all the time. It's not my fault! I can't help if God made me fabulous.
HZ: So are we to assume that Logan gets violent in front of her or upon her? Neither's great. We've seen that Logan is is quick to violence. It's troubling.
JOY: It’s not ideal.
HZ: I can imagine him like smashing a window in front of her.
JOY: Right, like punching a hole in the plaster wall.
HZ: Yes, rather than being violent at Lilly, but, it's not great. But we'd seen in the episode when Logan was having his interview with Miss James about his grief that there was a party at which he kissed a girl, and these pieces are all sliding together.
JOY: Lining up, uh-huh.
HZ: I like that Lilly manages to diss Veronica in this scene.
VERONICA: Well if you’re ditching, that means Yolanda and I will have to party for three.
LILLY: Which means Yolanda will have to be partying for two and a half.
JOY: Because Veronica can only party for half a person." Lilly also drops a magnificent truth, which is that it's not her fault that God made her fabulous.
HZ: So true. And Yolanda says, “I'm really glad I met you guys,” and Lilly's like, “You should be glad, we're the best." And yet she seems to think Veronica's a loser, so Lilly's really being the best for one and a half. Back in the hotel, Dime Bag and his retinue are displeased by the penthouse.
JOY: Not big enough - pentdoghouse!
HZ: So Veronica - quick thinking, what is this?
JOY: She jumps in pretending to be Melinda the hospitality hostess.
HZ: In those clothes? In this posh hotel?
JOY: In those clothes in this posh hotel; and also like she jumps in by dissing the person who's helping them at the counter -
HZ: Who doesn't even say, “Well, this person doesn't work here."
JOY: If you were working that counter and some woman rolled up and was like, “Sorry boys, the people who work here at the counter just really don't get it and they're a bunch of idiots. Let me take you to your room." Wouldn't you be like, “Hey, you don't work here”? What the fuck?
HZ: Right? I loved Veronica's previous hotel reception bullshitting in the Paris Hilton episode. I think just the receptionist is like, “You know what, I'm at the end of a long shift, I cannot be fucked with this, fine."
JOY: “She can't be arsed,” that's what my friend Helen would say.
HZ: That's so true, but where's Helen now? She's dead.
JOY: What the hell?? Podcasting with a ghost would be a pretty... it's the day after Halloween right now. So if ever there was a time for me to be podcasting with a ghost it is now.
HZ: Yeah. All Hallow's Day. True to stereotype, Dime Bag has a big posse; they all go up in the lift. Veronica's like, "This is a TV. This is a chair. This is where I'm putting a bug right near the phone."
JOY: Yeah, “This is how it looks when I hold up a phone and distract you from the fact that I'm planting a bug." Not much of a hospitality hostess although she promises she's going to send up some more Cristal - which they're drinking out of the bottle?
HZ: They were out of milk so...
JOY: Out of milk! Oh my god - imagine champagne and milk mixed together.
HZ: Nope, I won't, I will not.
JOY: I'm putting it in everyone's mind, sorry.
HZ: You're putting it in your own mind - worse.
JOY: Well yeah, small price to pay.
HZ: Veronica and Keith unite in the parking lot. She's like, "I was just having a bathroom break."
JOY: Helen, they're using something called Sonic Snoop. They're using a program called Sonic Snoop. That's the programme that the bug is connected to. It's called Sonic Snoop. I'm sure it's a spinoff of PrivateEyez.com, it's their proprietary software.
HZ: Maybe you get a bundle subscription.
JOY: Sonic. Snoop.
HZ: That is splendid. And they listen to the bugs, first to the wrong room with an angry couple sniping at each other, and then the right room.
DIME BAG: Yo, man, that damn hospitality hostess was lyin' about that Cristal, man!
FLUNKY: And she is hot! If you like 'em scrawny.
JOY: And Keith looks none too pleased, putting together very quickly that he knows what room he was just in, so how are they getting a signal from a different room?
HZ: Veronica's also not pleased to be called scrawny.
JOY: But what's particularly weird is that she then looks at her dad and is like, “I'm not scrawny. I'm not." lt's just so weird to think about sitting next to your dad, hearing somebody say that about you, and then being like, “I'm not scrawny. How dare they." I just feel like it doesn't add up for me, Helen. But this is not a point for everyone.
HZ: Come on, Detective Jenny. Crack this case open!
JOY: It just seems like something you would say to like your boyfriend or your best friend and not your dad. But I guess maybe Keith is Veronica's best friend.
HZ: He's the ideal best friend.
JOY: Definitely. He's definitely available to do her favours, which is her number one qualification or requirement for friendship.
HZ: But you also don't want him being like, “There, there, honey, you're voluptuous. You’re not scrawny.”
JOY: I think the only real course of action in this moment is for them to both pretend like they didn't hear it. That’s the only acceptable way.
HZ: In a much less healthy parent-child relationship, we now cut to Logan and Aaron. It’s funeral time. Logan is tying a tie and Aaron's like, “It's okay that you blame me for your mother's death. But from now on, our war is over. We're going to be a team.” Aaaaaaaare we?
JOY: Logan's like, hold my beer so I can smash this paparazzo's camera and tell you off in front of a group of photographers.
LOGAN: So okay, Dad, let’s be honest. Maybe we both wished we’d been better. But she’s only gone because of you.
HZ: Oof! Something I've wondered is what was it like playing this plotline for Harry Hamlin and saying these lines about a character who's played by his real life wife?
JOY: Yeah, and are they still together?
HZ: They are.
JOY: Oh, that's so nice.
HZ: Been together since the 1990s. That’s an eternity in a Hollywood marriage. In the school lab, Bryce finally looks happy, because he gets dissed a lot in these scenes, but this one he's just alone with a trough of earth and some water, so he can study soil erosion.
JOY: He's in his element!
HZ: His element, unfortunately, is interrupted by Veronica, who is like, “I thought you had PE this period” like we subtly heard in the opening scene that seemed insignificant. Then she's put in her place by Bryce:
VERONICA: He is desperate to get her back.
BRYCE: Hmm. Then where’s the police? He’s ashamed of me, you know. He’s been in jail a third of my life but I’m an embarrassment. State Science Fair winner two years straight, but I’m soft.
JOY: Which, yes, strong point. But then he undoes the progress he's made by following that up by “State Science Fair Winner two years straight, but I'm soft.” Sir. These are not necessarily... I don't know if winning the state science fair is the way to prove that you're not soft.
HZ: Jenny. Sediment initially is soft, but if you leave it long enough it becomes rock. Science, soil science.
JOY: Thank you. And that's what's happening?
HZ: Soil science - also relevant to the plot later. It's amazing. They are really plottin' around today. Bryce says:
BRYCE: Is that why you guys stopped being friends? You figured out our dad was in jail?
VERONICA: I didn’t even know about that. She never talked about your dad.
BRYCE: So, you just drifted apart. It’s too bad. She really liked you guys.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: And I liked her.
HZ: Flashback hands flashback hands flashback hands to Logan's party.
JOY: I'm doing them.
HZ: They're all doing them at the party. Listening to ‘Monster Mash’, doing flashback hands. It's the party that Lilly skipped pretending to be sick. And Logan had said in his counselling session last episode that he was pissed off that Lilly had skipped the party.
JOY: And I'm pissed off at Veronica sitting in Duncan's lap.
HZ: Yeah, that's the trouble with flashbacks: Veronica and Duncan are still happy. No one wants to see that.
JOY: Nobody wants to see that wig. There’s a lot of things we don't want to see in the past. That’s why it’s in the past!
HZ: Logan seems to be having a pretty nice time, to be honest: he and Yolanda are boozing while Veronica sits on Duncan, and Duncan's like, “Veronica, we should get you home. Remember the last time? Homecoming - when we had that limo party and refused to skinny dip, and then Keith was there in the morning, and we all got in trouble with our parents. Yeah, remember that? Remember episode three? Or episode four, which was it? 3, 4 - one of them.” Veronica leaves, forgets her purse, goes back sees Yolanda and Logan kissing - way more than the three seconds that Logan said in his counselling session had taken place, because they seem to be pretty deep into it.
JOY: I dunno - one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi - we could see the middle of that.
HZ: To me also they both looked like active participants.
JOY: Yes, that's true. But who knows what's going on? We didn't see the beginning and we didn't see the end.
HZ: Right. But there doesn't appear to be a non-consensual struggle, and let's just take that as a victory in this show.
JOY: Seriously, take the victories where we can. And the next day Veronica is compelled to let Lilly know about it.
HZ: And she's downplaying it. But not enough.
LILLY: They what?!
VERONICA: It was a one second look. Let me ask Yolanda about it.
LILLY: I don’t know a Yolanda, do you?
JOY: The coldest! The coldest! Lilly!!
HZ: So, Jenny, this episode comes out the week of your birthday!
JOY: Happy birthday to me!
HZ: And I got you a little gift.
JOY: !!! Is it a pony? Is it a tiny blonde detective? Is it a really cool jug of milk I can drink out of?
HZ: No, less milky… It’s a tribute to your favourite guy of Neptune, Weevil. Here it is.
SONG: Doe-Eyed Best Guy Weevil
He’s introduced as a douche, tormenting Wallace, looking like he’s about to go medieval.
Smashing lights, revs his bike in the night,
But something about him made Jenny go feeble.He looked so good when he stood
On his abuelita’s porch when he’s exonerated.
He makes all those rich white boys of Neptune seem so overrated.He can put your car together, he can take it apart;
He’ll steal your Fabergé eggs just like he’ll steal your heart,
He’s an angel in a henley, there’s no way he could be ever evil
He’s your doe-eyed best guy Weevil.You pretend you’re not friends
But you call each other up whenever you need a favour.
Trash a store, throw clothes on the floor
To try to find a missing neighbour.Don’t you go thinking that just cos he’s been drinking that he won’t destroy you at poker;
If a rich boy thinks he’s smart, he’s as clever as a fart,
next to Weevil he’s mediocre.He can put your car together, he can take it apart;
He’ll steal your Fabergé eggs just like he’ll steal your heart,
He’s an angel in a henley, there’s no way he could ever be evil
He’s your leather jacket-wearing, secretly caring, doe-eyed best guy Weevil.He can put your car together, he can take it apart;
He’ll steal your Fabergé eggs just like he’ll steal your heart.
He’s an angel in a henley, there’s no way he could ever be evil,
He’s your leather jacket wearing, secretly caring, on-the-money detention honey, mustache-growing bald head-showing, doe eyed best guy Weevil.
HZ: Out of all the people you would want on the Veronica Mars Investigations team to do singing or song-writing, it’s certainly not me.
JOY: This is incredible. This is easily - easily - the greatest Weevil-themed birthday present I have ever received. I’m so moved. I can’t believe what you’ve done. I can’t believe you did this in secret, and you kept it from me, and now you’ve sprung it upon me.
HZ: I’m so sorry.
JOY: No no no no no. No you’re not. You’re not sorry, Helen. I need a paper bag to breathe into, is the cold hard truth.
HZ: Well, at your door is Weevil holding a paper bag.
JOY: Oh my god, it’s the best birthday ever!
HZ: Back to the Bone house, and they have some chairs that look like cartoon cheese but classy and expensive.
JOY: Helen!
HZ: Are you about to show me that you've got a cheese chair?
JOY: I am not about to show you that. But what I am about to tell you is that we know a little bit about Bone Hamilton by this point in the episode, and do you know what? What I feel pretty certain about at this moment? That someone of Bone's reputation and self-stylization and presentation would not have a piece of art hanging in his office - his hip hop impresario headquarters - that is just music notes. It's just music note art. It's just musical notes. Arrghhhhh!!!
HZ: On a stave. Hovering on a stave!
JOY: This is the second episode in a row that has touched too close to home for me, your co host, Jenny, I can't and I won't stand idly by, while this man is… Arghhh! More defamation, I think?
HZ: This episode comes out the week of your birthday. I guess I better cancel the gift I bought you off Etsy.
JOY: Happy birthday to me; please don't send any musical note artwork, it's just not for me and it's especially not for Bone, I feel.
HZ: There's a lot of nice pieces in Bone’s house as well. They don't necessarily go together, so it might just be, “I'm rich, get me a lot of art and unusual furnishings,” or it could be like Vanessa has furnished this place, then Bone’s like, “But I also need my musical note art, because I work in music.”
JOY: The laziness - the laziness of this aspect of the set design is infuriating to me. It just doesn't add up! Helen! It doesn't make sense. It's not okay.
HZ: But in his office with the cheese chairs, Bone reluctantly calls Dime Bag with Vanessa looking on, and Dime Bag's hotel room has got one of those fancy landline phones when they used to bother making those still: a Bang and Olufsen Beocom which looks like a kind of curved bone, appropriately enough. You can still get one for £624.
JOY: Holy shit. That’s an expensive phone!
HZ: If you want prestige landline. Kids, a landline was like a phone that forced you to speak to people.
JOY: Yeah, yeah. And also was was connected by a cord to something that was stationary so you couldn't take it with you into the bathroom or wherever you take your phone.
HZ: And this is a bit weird, where Dime Bag is like, “Yolanda huh? I might know something about that. I just want to hear you beg. And then I'll tell you where she is. This is like me holding you out the window." And when Bone begs him for help, Dime Bag's like, “You almost sound like a little woman there." Because only women would express affection for their children. That was a paraphrase, not what he actually says. Well, the first part was what he actually says, and the second part was my interpretation of it.
JOY: It's hard to imagine - obviously, there's like a load of bad blood between these two men, but it's really hard to imagine an adult man who has no compassion for this particular thing. Regardless of what's going on between you and another adult, if there is a child who is in danger or missing or whatever, it's just tough to think that at this point in time, this guy would still be like, “I want to hear you beg. Oh, by the way, I don't know anything."
HZ: Yeah, right - he doesn't know anything. This has all been a big bluff. Dime Bag hasn't even been to Neptune and he's got the toxic masculinity thing down. But then after Bone hangs up, they get to hear, via Dime Bag's bug, him enthusing about the idea of having Yolanda locked up in a closet:
DIME BAG: Man, who don’t you think is fine. It would be nice though, huh? Bone’s little Miss Princess locked up in a closet somewhere, available whenever, huh, I mean, if that was possible, right?
JOY: Horrifying.
HZ: That is not a cool brag, Dime Bag, Mr. Bag. Listening and looking from the back of the scene, by the way, is Bryce, because he's invisible in plain sight in so many scenes in this episode.
JOY: Yeah, but then he's not invisible for the whole time that he's there, because Bone does see him, and wanting to like hold up his sort of like tough guy mask, especially in front of his male child, he, on the verge of tears, is like, “Get out of here."
HZ: We never hear anything from Vanessa, like any worry about what's happening to her daughter. She just gets to look at Bone being angry and upset. At the Mars house, Veronica and Wallace are looking through the ticket stubs. Veronica's laptop logo is handily blocked by a pot of pencils. And they find on the valet ticket stubs, Benjamin Bloom, who has some parking violations according to private eyez with a zed.com. And on the same page, according to the website VMtranscripts.com, which is a very useful website if you want to read these episodes, it says: “Underneath are Samuel Blooms subscriptions, which bizarrely are identical in every detail to Samuel Mackenzie's subscription seen on episode 11 Silence Of The Lamb.” So Samuel Bloom from the earlier scene - and also Benjamin Bloom’s dad, we also find out from private eyez with a zed.com - subscribes to the same magazines as Mac's dad. What a thing to discover. And also we discover that Samuel Bloom's son Benjamin must have been at the club the night Yolanda disappeared.
JOY: Yes, yes, yes.
HZ: The plot thickens.
JOY: Meanwhile, over at the Echolls house, there's a funeral in progress. And Logan's doing a real mourning son bit.
HZ: Yeah. But sarcastically.
JOY: Yeah, sarcastically thanking everyone for being there.
HZ: He does finger clicks. But also he says:
LOGAN: My father thanks you. My mother thanks you. I thank you.
HZ: That is another surprising cultural reference from Logan Echolls, who must have been born in the late 1980s. This line was one popularised by the father of American musical comedy George M. Cohan, who died in 1942, before which he wrote more than 50 shows and published more than 300 songs, including ‘Give My Regards To Broadway’ and ‘The Yankee Doodle Boy’. And, in the 1890s, when he was a child star on Broadway and out the curtain call, he would say, "My father thanks you, my mother thanks you, I thank you." And I'm assuming Logan was not alive to see these things in the 1890s.
JOY: It's not even a line from a musical, it's what he would say at the curtain call?
HZ: The line was in the 1942 film Yankee Doodle Dandy, which was a George M. Cohan biopic where he was played by James Cagney; so he said the line. So did Logan see that film and memorise it enough to store that line? Is that line bigger in American culture than I can understand? Add it to Brigadoon as a “someone much older than Logan has written this."
JOY: That line appears in the mouth of a teen boy once every hundred years.
HZ: Aah, perfect!
JOY: I did it! I did it.
HZ: Oh yeah, absolutely knocked it out the park.
JOY: So fucking Harvey - is Harvey Aaron's agent or manager? I can never - who can keep those things straight? But he's trying, at fucking Aaron's wife's funeral, he's trying to get Aaron to commit to some acting deal that's been offered to him.
HZ: Harvey, don't be the worst prick in a scene that Aaron Echolls is also in!
JOY: It's incredible when people can outprick Aaron, for sure. Logan rips into this guy and then Aaron is like, “Fuck off. I'm not acting anymore. I am done."
HZ: Yeah, fucked it Harvey. One nice thing about the scene is that there's a really good tree on the far side of the Echolls pool. It's like a really, lush, big green umbrella. Strongly recommend!
JOY: The nicest thing to look at while this scene unfortunately plays out. Then it's time for Duncan to check in on Logan, who's playing a video game.
HZ: Both of these kids have already been to too many funerals of close family members and beloved ones.
JOY: Absolutely.
HZ: Isn't that fucking sad. And Duncan is particularly wooden in the scene, but maybe he is just a bit traumatised from being at a funeral and he is worrying about his friend. I’m reading into Duncan's performance, you know you can interpret anything from Duncan.
JOY: Yeah, whatever you want to project onto it you're able, plenty of room for that. So he's like pretty worried about Logan, who is isolating himself from the guests and not participating in any of the kind of like memorial activities. But Logan's like, “Duncan, it's cool. I'm not out there because this isn't my mom's funeral. Because she's not dead."
LOGAN: Man, come on, I mean, she hated all this, she hated him. They didn’t find a body because she’s not dead. She just escaped.
JOY: Her father had a lighter that he got in Seoul during the Korean War. And he even kept it when he got captured, and when he got home, he had it engraved.
HZ: It was always in Lynn's purse, and it says “Free at Last", that's what the engraving says.
JOY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she left it on her dresser the night she disappeared.
HZ: That doesn't quite tie up for me, because she -
JOY: Because it was during the day?
HZ: Right? She appears to go straight from this school meeting in in a real emotional state, like it seems like a very impulsive decision, the way that they portray it. She's gone to school for this meeting and if she had intended to die by suicide, why go to school for a parent meeting as the last thing you do? It seemed to me like she had not decided to do it then; maybe it was something had been on her mind a lot, but she did it in an emotional angry state, and therefore wouldn't have planned the lighter thing?
JOY: Yeah, I agree.
HZ: And it's also so painful to see Logan grasping at these straws. I understand why you would want to keep hope alive. But it just makes something tragic even more so.
JOY: If you loved your mom and your other parent was Aaron Echolls...
HZ: We're back at Sam Bloom's office with all the stuff in that passed you by. And he's like, “My son Ben would never go to hip hop clubs! Perish the thought that he would go to a club featuring one of the most significant musical genres of our lifetimes.”
JOY: Yeah, what?
HZ: “All he watches are Broadway musicals of the 1890s, like any teen."
JOY: Of course.
HZ: And he says Ben, who is a student at USC is currently hiking in Mexico with friends and can't be reached.
JOY: How convenient!
HZ: Or can he, hmmm?
JOY: Yeah, yeah, he can if you're a sorority girl with... crabs to report?
HZ: Back at the Mars offices, Keith needs Veronica's help with this and he says, “how's your sorority speak?” because I guess he's not seen Veronica in performance mode.
JOY: Yeah, he's mostly seen her in like secretary mode, right?
HZ: Because they don't collaborate. It's so nice to see them working together this episode, so she gets to do her sorority voice.
JOY: And finds out that Ben went to Vegas.
HZ: Yeah, and Keith’s got contacts in Vegas, detectiving.
JOY: What do people go to Vegas to do? Let me think about this...
HZ: Well, I've been to the Atomic Testing Museum there, that was interesting. Or the Neon Museum; I'd like to go there, that sounds good. Maybe they've gone to see a collection of neon. Maybe they've been hiking in Red Rock Canyon, and needed to stop for the night.
JOY: OK, alright. People go to Las Vegas for three reasons.
HZ: Is it because they're on the way to Utah to visit the National Parks? Is it because they've been to see the ghost towns that pepper Nevada?
JOY: Ooh! That would be me, but not most people.
HZ: There's some wonderful junk modelling there. I can't remember ghost town it was, but there was a lot of kind of junk modelling art, and someone was like, “Oh, have you seen this person's house? She has a real appreciation for decay.” So maybe that's why you go to Vegas, because you have an appreciation for decay, but you need a hotel for the night…. Hoover Dam?
JOY: I think people go to gamble; to participate in bachelor or bachelorette parties -
HZ: …Buffets? They have those.
JOY: - and get married. To get married in a way that that is a sudden and perhaps will later be annulled.
HZ: I don't know, I think my explanations were probably more immediate concerns of the average Vegas-goer.
JOY: Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Agree to disagree, Helen. Maybe that's what English people do in Las Vegas.
HZ: Well, we're not going to Las Vegas, Jenny, we're going back to a flashback, which is Veronica and Yolanda I suppose debriefing after the party.
YOLANDA: Veronica! Veronica! Can you talk to Lilly? I heard what Logan said about that night and it’s totally untrue. I didn’t do anything.
VERONICA: I saw it, Yolanda.
YOLANDA: We were just talking, you know, and he just kissed me. The story, I threw myself at him? I’d never do that. Please, make her understand.
VERONICA: I don’t know, sometimes she’s really -
[Lilly honks her car horn]
LILLY: Veronica! Come on. San Diego’s waiting.
HZ: This was supposed to be a trip Yolanda was invited on, but no more. Lilly does not know a Yolanda. And then Veronica in the present day says, “Do I tell my dad that his fiercely nonconformist daughter caved to peer pressure and left a totally cool person on her own in a new school?”
JOY: Was Veronica a fiercely non conformist person one scant year ago when she had that wig on and whatnot?
HZ: In her wig phase, she was not. I would say she was surprisingly conformist.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: Back in the present, still in Mars HQ, Bone is really in a tizz: he's received a ransom demand for $500,000. Keith thinks a note is good news, but this one is weird.
JOY: Yeah, it's weird to get all the instructions right up front, you're supposed to get some of the details and then get the instructions at the last possible minute so that you don't have time to stake it out, notify the police, do anything that might prevent the ransomer from getting away with the cash.
HZ: So either this person is an idiot kidnapper, or a brilliant one. Bone says “It must be Dime Bag because the note refers to ‘Little Miss Princess’,” which is what they heard him saying via the bug - subtle. Bryce was there in that scene! He's so undercover even in his own home.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: And also Bone threatens if he doesn't get his daughter back someone will die, because they're really ploughing that furrow.
JOY: Has anybody tried to call Yolanda's cell phone?
HZ: Shush, Jenny! Hush.
JOY: So time to load up a briefcase with half a million dollars, dye pack, and a GPS.
HZ: Do people just keep hard shell cases ready to go in case they need to pack bricks of money in them?
JOY: I think maybe PIs and like billionaire hip hop producer impresarios might. Those might be two types of people I would think maybe have that kind of suitcase on hand.
HZ: Bone has his own security ready to go because he says to Keith:
BONE: Hey. If the cops are so great, why aren’t you still one, huh?
JOY: Keith just doesn't want any anybody to die, which actually, involving the police has not proven to be a great way to prevent people from dying.
HZ: Yes, this show in certain ways was ahead of its time. Off to the stakeout, and the Marses are staking out the stakeout. It's very, very, very rainy - very rainy.
JOY: It's raining so hard and he needs this rain. Right? Bryce needs the rain for the plan to work. So did he base this… Oh, I guess he must have been like watching the weather and waiting to send the note until it was gonna be really rainy.
HZ: It's still a place famous for its clement weather. So this is a bold plot, to rely on a heavy rain day in the right period of time. I like that some of the passers by had quite crappy umbrellas, as if they were genuine umbrellas rather than brand new ones.
JOY: Yeah, yeah. And also, I feel like if you live in a place where you don't usually need an umbrella, you're less likely to invest in high quality umbrella.
HZ: Yes. Just a shitty CVS umbrella with a broken bit. Keith wonders why choose this spot for the drop when it's so open to surveillance - Veronica gets why. And off she goes to get a load of rubber ducks.
JOY: Incredible. So resourceful! So fast.
HZ: Something to play with while they stake out. Bone is using his cell phone and he answers the phone in the pouring rain - were cell phones more waterproof back then?
JOY: No, no no no no.
HZ: I was trying to remember - because you'd never put these old kinds of phones with the little screens, you wouldn't put them in rice.
JOY: No, I don't think they worked like that. You just had to avoid liquid altogether I think was the idea.
HZ: Whoever's demanding the ransom does not want the cash. That cash is just a red herring. What they want is Bone's ring. His big chunky ring that was noticeable in the opening scene. And he has to put it in a tiny football and drop the football down the drain, where a terrifying murder clown will collect it.
JOY: Indeed. “We all float down here, even your quarter million dollar ring.”
HZ: “And some detective rubber ducks.”
JOY: And some detective rubber ducks, and then there's this whole thing with the taxi which I don't get - do you get the taxi thing?
HZ: Absolutely not.
JOY: How does he know there's a taxi?
HZ: Well, I assume that the the guy ringing up the ransom - who is Bryce, spoiler for the next scene - has arranged there to be a taxi as a kind of red herring, because he says, “Yolanda's in the taxi. Once you put the football down the drain, the taxi will deliver Yolanda.” This yellow cab inches forward. And all of Bone's security detail rush to the cab and the cabbie just is like, "I don't fuckin’ know, please, don't kill me."
JOY: Poor the cabbie.
HZ: Poor the cabbie, I hope he got tipped. I suppose now you would just get someone on Taskrabbit. Like “Could you go and drive a few feet up a road?”
JOY: Right, right.
HZ: And we followed the detective ducks down the drain to a big outflow pipe at the beach being watched by Bryce, who's a water engineer, of course, and has thus put together a water-dependent scheme.
VERONICA: Whoever did this was either really dumb or really smart. You’re really smart.
BRYCE: Yeah, so are you.
HZ: In another world, Bryce would be recruited to Veronica Mars's favours squad. “Bryce, I just need something done with this soil for a thing. Do you mind?"
JOY: “Could you redirect the path of this one creek? It's really getting in the way of a scheme I'm currently running.”
HZ: You have to be very confident, I think, to hatch this plot. Bryce seems super cheerful, though. And maybe it's because his plot has worked, and he would have felt embarrassed for himself if it had not.
JOY: As we learn in the last part of the episode here, he didn't want the money, or the ring. He just wanted to be able to say, “In your face, Dad; stop being mean to me, because I don't like the same things that you like."
HZ: "I can be a science genius and not a soft boi." Because Neptune toxic masculinity. And here's how the plot was done: Yolanda just ran off. She doesn't even have any idea that this is happening. Bryce knows because he's always eavesdropping - another thing he has in common with Veronica. And so when she and Gabrielle were going to the club in LA, Bryce hid in the trunk, and then drove Yolanda's car back and made it seem like she'd been abducted. What was Yolanda's plan with her car if she was just going to run off from the club? Was she just gonna leave it in LA?
JOY: Valeted forever?
HZ: That's expensive.
JOY: Well, she's the daughter of a very wealthy man.
HZ: Keith is just trotting along behind them on the phone to his associate in Vegas. He says Yolanda is okay. And in the Bone home, they've got more cheese furniture - they've got a love seat as well to match the pieces in the study.
JOY: “The Bone Home." Could mean a couple things. We all know what it means here and I'm into it. Way to go, Helen. Bryce is like, “In your face dad. You can't call me soft." And Bone’s like, "I guess I can't" - I feel like this is not the end of this conversation. It doesn't seem that way, but who knows..?
HZ: It's a very big plot to hatch to counteract masculinity conventions. They're damaging both of these men, the father and son relationship is really tarnished by these societal expectations that have seeped into them somehow.
JOY: Will they ever heal their relationship, will their relationship ever be okay, will it ever normalise? Will it ever not need these kind of violent extremes for them to be able to relate to one another and respect each other?
HZ: Bone also has a wall full of Warhol-style pictures just like Sam so maybe he and Sam have more in common than they like to admit.
JOY: Yeah, maybe they used to go art shopping together
HZ: Maybe they got like a big set and split it. Friends Forever Warholesque Prints. And then this is nice: Keith is explaining webcams and video calling.
JOY: “The pinhole at the top of the screen is the camera.” Helen! Helen!
HZ: But it's fair, because Skype only launched in 2003 and only began video calling in 2005 when this is set, so this would have been pretty cutting edge.
JOY: Yeah, okay. It's just so weird to see somebody explaining it somebody else now.
HZ: Yes. It was a different time. They get to have a nice video chat with Yolanda, who seems to be kind of sitting on her silent husband that she now has.
JOY: Yeah, it's weird how he just kind of like looms wordlessly over her shoulder in the background.
HZ: Both wearing white sweaters, I suppose because they're newlyweds.
JOY: Right, right, the colour of new marriage. And they are, as you just said, married and they're not coming back until the Hamiltons and the Blooms get over themselves and make nice.
YOLANDA: Ma? Dad. Here’s the good news. I’m fine. And I’m married now! I’m Mrs Benjamin Bloom which is why I’m telling you from here, because until you guys and the Blooms just get over yourselves and make up, we’re not coming back.
BONE: Okay, look here baby girl. How many times do I have to tell ya that I didn’t order that drive-by.
YOLANDA: You let everyone believe you ordered it, because it gave you cred. Never mind it just turned me and Bryce into gangster’s kids.
HZ: It's like if Romeo and Juliet had not died.
JOY: Yeah. Are they 18, is that what's happening here?
HZ: We saw Benjamin's birthdate on private eyez with a zed.com and he's a college student. So I think he might be either 19 or 20, because he was born in 1985 according to private eyez with a z.com, but I forget which date.
JOY: THAT! IS! YOUNG!
HZ: I didn't quite understand what happens next, because Veronica gets home but the webcam call is still going.
JOY: I think it seems the way that they treat it in this show is that whenever they open the computer, they're just automatically connected to Yolanda, the only other person with a webcam in Southern California or Nevada. However she's making this connection, she's made it and she's saying:
YOLANDA: Veronica? Is that you? How did you…
VERONICA: I just wanted to say congratulations on the marriage and I’m sorry. I should have been a better friend.
YOLANDA: Veronica, if I had been in your position, I would have done the same thing.
HZ: Yolanda does seem cool. Sadly we never see her or Bryce again.
JOY: Bye guys! And then what's that at the door?
HZ: It's a knock at the door from Logan, looking very vulnerable.
JOY: Yeah, he looks messed up.
VERONICA: Logan, what are you doing here?
LOGAN: I want you to find my mother.
HZ: I was watching this episode with Lo of the LoDown and when this scene happened, she said very excitedly, "It begins!" It's the beginning of a more emotional connection between Logan and Veronica. Than we've seen - it's been quite a cruel relationship in the past. Is Logan coming to Veronica, do you think, because she has detective skills? Or is it because he knows she's someone who will understand what it's like to want to find your mother?
JOY: I think it's a happy combination of both factors.
HZ: And that's where it ends. We should check in on the legal side of this episode with our resident lawyer and Southern Californian Marshmallow Lo Dodds for today's for today's LoDown.
THE LODOWN
HZ: Lo, if we were to make everyone believe that my sister had been kidnapped and she hadn't, would I be breaking any laws? Or is that a consequence-free prank?
LO DODDS: Well, that's a consequence-free prank for Bryce because his dad doesn't want to get the police involved. But what Bryce is actually doing is the very currently popular crime of extortion. So it's felony extortion by threatening letter. And so that, you know, if the police had been involved, yes, he could be charged with that. Although he did return the ring. And he's a minor, so I'm not really sure what Bryce would really end up facing for that.
HZ: Yeah, that was a curious thing that he asked for all the cash and then didn't do anything with the cash.
LO DODDS: I think he always knew, right? Because he knew what he was going to do: stick something in the football because he knew it was going to end up in the ocean. So he needed that that ring in there.
JOY: Yeah, yes, yes.
HZ: It's more waterproof, the ring. Doing a drain based plot you need waterproof valuables. Like Canadian bank notes.
JOY: So we're a little unclear, I think, on Yolanda's actual age. In the state of Nevada, what is the age that you have to be to get married? Do you know?
LO DODDS: So Nevada has a minimum age of 16 with parental consent. It seems likely that they are both 18 considering that it doesn't look like either of their parents gave their consent to do it.
JOY: Oh my god. But what if Ben Bloom is a little bit older? And Yolanda just stuck something in that stack that her mom would take out to her dad to sign like once a week. Oh, like horse stuff and Bryce needs to drop PE, and Yolanda wants to get married in Las Vegas.
HZ: Oh my god, Jenny!
JOY: Oh, have I cracked the case?
HZ: Now that first scene makes all the sense!
LO DODDS: It does make a lot of sense. I would think that that would have to be notarized though, that kind of parental consent. I know that in California, we don't have a minimum age for marriage.
HZ: What?
JOY: WHAT?
LO DODDS: Yeah. You have to get parental consent in California. And you have to get a court order. because presumably, there are gross, weird parents out there that are willing to let their young children make those kind of decisions. And the court needs to step in and say yeah, that's probably not a good idea. And also you have to take premarital counselling, which again, you want to go, under 18 not have the capacity for those decisions. It's very gross.
HZ: What happens at premarital counselling?
LO DODDS: I don't know. I took premarital counselling before I got married because I got you know, I got married in a church. But yes, because I got married in church, and my husband's Church of England, and we went to the Episcopalian church, so we had to get counselling and there was all this stuff about being yoked to a non-believer.
HZ: “Are you prepared for Hell?”
LO DODDS: I think there was something about him taking on my student loans.
HZ: As it is written in the Bible.
LO DODDS: “And Jesus said, yea, he will be beholden to Sallie Mae for the next 50 years.”
JOY: Totally different topic: what would the charge be for dangling someone out of a window until they sign a contract? Wait - can I guess? Is it like assault and then also like a sign any under false pretence-y, is it a two component kind of charge?
LO DODDS: Hanging someone out a window is going to get you attempted murder, especially depending on how high the window is.
JOY: What if you had a really good grip? Isn't a lot of the law about intent? Isn't that what we've been learning from you?
LO DODDS: It's true, but I mean he would have to intend to kill him but hanging them out a window I feel like they could make a pretty good argument that that was the intent. The police pretty much only need probable cause to charge you with something, so battery, assault, attempted murder. As far as the contract, that is the dumbest thing ever to get someone to sign a contract because contracts sign under duress are void, so this performer, Bone says "okay, go perform,” performer says, "Screw you, I'm not gonna perform at that theatre because you hung me out of a window," what is Bone going to do? He's going to take him to court and say "I got a contract"? That's not going to work. in any world.
HZ: I do feel like there's precedent for Bone not settling things through official court channels.
LO DODDS: But then why have them sign a contract?
HZ: Bit of fun.
LO DODDS: He just loves terms and conditions.
HZ: You know what? This isn't one of the episodes of the show that I particularly like, but watching it for the podcast, and taking copious notes and eyeballing every scene more carefully, I feel like the investigation of it has made me slightly warm to it.
JOY: Yeah, I think this is a fun one. And it's it's not - yeah, it's like not a total slam dunk, but it's definitely a good time and a lot happens and things are moving forward. Outside of the episodic plot, like the larger arc stuff is like, phoom!
HZ: I did find it satisfying that they had these little clues about Bryce that I just didn't notice at all when I'd first seen this episode. Is Dime Bag just a total red herring and do they do it with that kind of character because you're supposed to believe that these gangster rap people will do anything to each other, no matter how bad?
JOY: Yeah, I don't know. I think red herring is the vibe, and maybe to just raise the stakes about like what could be going on to Yolanda.
HZ: You've got a kind of theme as well with Yolanda and Logan of wanting to escape from a bad dad.
JOY: Yeah. And in stark contrast, Veronica has such a good dad.
HZ: Yes, they've been such good pals this episode.
JOY: So nice.
HZ: Were there any lines that you particularly enjoyed this episode?
JOY: My favourite line was when Wallace says "Man, I thought I thought being a private eye was about shooting dudes and making out with sexy widows." Hell yeah, Wallace.
HZ: Last time it was pretend cheerleaders, now it’s sexy widows.
JOY: I guess I'm just into any lines about Wallace aspiring in the general direction of his best life.
HZ: Again, give Wallace his own show where he takes the detective skills he's learned from the Marses and goes off on capers.
JOY: Asks people for favours of his own.
HZ: He deserves some favours. He is a kind chap. I liked when Keith says "Veronica, this is a Mars Investigations matter, I'm Mars" and she's like, "I'm Veronica Mars." And then they team up because they're both Mars - stronger together.
JOY: And it can't be denied.
HZ: Why would you deny? Don't deny. She shredded the paternity test. Nobody wants to deny.
JOY: The mysteriousness of the mystery, on my rating scale - I'm going to give this episode, because I thought it was fun and a good time and the whole deal with Bryce was interesting and getting to see Yolanda, a relationship that Veronica had with somebody in the 09er crew that didn't go the same way as all the others, and to see Veronica and Keith teaming up: love all of that. But I was too easily able to see some elements of what was actually going on with Bryce. So therefore, I deliver unto this episode three and a half briefcases full of a half million dollars and a dye pack and a GPS, which so that's like $1,750,000, is that right?
HZ: That’s a big score actually when you put it like that.
JOY: Enjoy all of my money this episode. How did it do by you?
HZ: It grew on me. And I didn't love it. But I did love seeing the Marses work together enjoying their bug collection. Wasn't sure about these thug, gangsta rap, violent stereotypes. I wish that Bryce the Soft Boi had been a bit more likeable.
JOY: Yeah. That would have been nice, huh?
HZ: It felt like the show didn't like him, and nor did his family. And I felt a bit sad for him. I would give it overall, I think, three fancy landlines.
JOY: Well, hey, and that's like -
HZ: That's very expensive.
JOY: - £1850 or something. Yeah.
HZ: Why would you want three?
JOY: Damn, this episode's doing great.
HZ: It's lucrative. Throw all that money down a drain and...
JOY: ...follow it to the ocean. So that's another episode of Veronica Mars investigated.
HZ: Case closed.
JOY: That was Season 1, episode 13: Lord of the Bling.
HZ: Watch season 1 episode 14 and join us in a week to investigate it.
JOY: Find the show on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @VMIpod.
HZ: The website, where the show lives along with some musical notes art, is vmipod.com.
JOY: I'm Jenny Owen Youngs and you can listen to more of my speaking voice on my other podcast Buffering the Vampire Slayer and you can listen to my singing voice on my new freakin EP that came out last week: it's called Night Shift and you can find it on my website jennyowenyoungs.com or you can find it on Apple Music or Spotify or wherever you stream music. Heck yes.
HZ: Is there also some very beautiful vinyl of it?
JOY: Truly I don't mean to trumpet my own vinyl, but there is some really beautiful vinyl that I've made that is a swirl vinyl of solid opaque black and translucent blue to follow the nocturnal theme. Hell yeah.
HZ: Wow, who did you have to dangle out of a window to get that done?
JOY: Oh my god, so many people. My arms are sore.
HZ: You drop a few, it’s just the business isn’t it, Jenny?
JOY: You gotta break a couple eggs if you want to make some vinyl, as I always say.
HZ: I’m Helen Zaltzman; you can hear more of my podcast at Answer Me This and The Allusionist, and you can see the Allusionist live show which is touring North America. And that's it and you can find all the listings at theallusionist.org/events.
JOY: This episode was edited and mixed by Zach McNees, long may he reign.
HZ: With music by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs.
JOY: The sheriff of this town, and possibly every town, is Hrishikesh Hirway.
HZ: The show is distributed by the delightful people of PRX.
JOY: Until next time, who’s your daddy?
HZ: Who’s your daddy?
JOY: He thinks I’m soft!