VMI 1.20 M.A.D. transcript
Hear this episode at VMIpod.com/1-20
Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes storylines concerning non-consensual sex, violence, and drugs.
A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
A nice student called Carmen tries to break up with her boyfriend
But he won’t let her - and if she tries, he’ll leak a video of her suggestively sucking a popsicle in a hot tub! Toxic Neptune strikes again!
But toxic Neptune strikes even worse in Veronica’s plan to get revenge on this guy.
At least things are delightful and cute and beautiful between Keith Mars and Alicia Fennel - but Clarence Wiedman’s about to ruin their bliss.
Things are also hot and heavy between Logan and Veronica -
Until she discovers something shocking about the night of Shelly Pomroy’s fateful party.
JOY: Full of fresh stolen parts and ready to go, I’m Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: Interested in horseback riding on the beach, hot tubbing with special friends and “sensual” charades, I’m Helen Zaltzman.
You’re listening to Veronica Mars Investigations Season 1, episode 20: M.A.D.
JOY: Does that stand for something?
HZ: Mutually Assured Destruction.
HZ: Look, I don't want to start on a downer, but: remember my feelings about the Mr. Rooks episode?
JOY: I do.
HZ: And multiply them.
JOY: Yeah, there's a lot of bad stuff happening in this episode.
HZ: When we recorded with Joanna Robinson, she asked me, "Do you think Veronica Mars is good?" And I said, "I think it's 60% great, 20% has not aged well, and 20% bad." And I think this episode falls squarely into that 20% 20% part.
JOY: Yeah, so much of this episode, so much of the structure of this episode relies on things that we just wouldn't see in a show now. I think?
HZ: I hope. Also Veronica is not really doing detective work. And she is at her worst.
JOY: A lot of toilet office action though, that's a plus. A lot of Keith and Alicia, that's a plus!
HZ: Keith and Alicia are absolutely radiant delight in this episode. Let's just pretend it's 42 minutes of them enjoying each other's company and having a dance.
JOY: And Mac researching expired passport sales on eBay.
HZ: Yes. It's not all bad; it's just mostly bad. The opening shot is of a Garfield stuck to a car window. You know those toys with suckers on their limbs?
JOY: That brings back some memories.
HZ: This Garfield is stuck to a car window in the school parking lot and there's a lot of honking and a lot of people strolling around looking really pissed off, and the cause of all this is Veronica Mars. She's holding up all the cars, because she's got her car had popped open and she's doing something to the engine. It's the first active sign that her car is crappy as people have been telling me it is.
JOY: Yeah, I still just don't even believe it. I mean, the best of cars break down from time to time.
HZ: We're all fallible, even the best of us.
JOY: Some 09er boys roll up, including Logan and Dick and Cassidy, aka Beaver.
HZ: The first sighting of the brother Casablancas.
JOY: And they start making white trash jokes.
DICK: Uh-oh, someone’s got her eye on that Miss White Trash title.
BEAVER: Yeah, you know you got a solid effort in the talent competition, but I’d like to see that car up on some cinder blocks.
LOGAN: Guys, come on, huh.
VERONICA: I know. Guys, come on, the talent is making a grilled cheese sandwich on the engine block. Guys, come on, you can’t put your car up on blocks in the yard if you don’t have a yard! You know, I think I can do both sides of this little act now. So, how about next time, you don’t bother? I got it covered.
JOY: I don't know, maybe I'm just blissfully ignorant, but I have a hard time - having come from like a very rural farmy part of the United States, and my parents’ parents all being farmers and stuff, I just feel like the the translation of whatever the concept of white trash that these boys are trying to like sort of - just like woefully misaligned with -
HZ: - reality?
JOY: Yes, but also, I mean, not that like, white trash as a concept is like a reality that we should all be standardising; that's a fucked up thing to say, in and of itself. But it just seems like the economic strata of Neptune is off base from the rest of the world.
HZ: Also, I would have thought that the team boys of Neptune would be the kind of guys that found it very hot when a petite blonde girl was doing stuff to her engine competently. I would have thought they would have posters to that effect in their rooms.
JOY: This is the kind of content that I'm here for. Tiny blonde women with the hood up, fixing shit. That's what I want out of life. That's all I've ever wanted.
HZ: I like that Veronica doesn't have time for their shit. And Logan can't even enjoy this sort of trash talk anymore.
JOY: Because he's been Marsed.
HZ: Yeah, he can't enjoy making the gross classist quips because he's been Marsed. And then Veronica has to cover for the fact that Logan isn't making gross classist quips, because otherwise people would find out.
JOY: Right, right, right; so quick on her feet, so nimble this one.
HZ: She is wearing an orange polo and a faded red hoodie though, so she's in a Logan Echolls palette.
JOY: She's been touched by Echolls.
HZ: And then we meet our two guests protagonists of the episode. Next to the school building, there's a couple having an altercation, Carmen and Tad. Carmen is breaking up with Tad after two years and she's trying to be gentle and he is making it difficult. Because he's terrible.
JOY: What a shitty little baby.
HZ: Because she's like, "You're going off to military school in a month and I can't do long distance for like eight years," which seems fair.
JOY: Very fair. But he wrote a song on the guitar - once again! Once again, the people making this show clearly have a problem with people playing the guitar and writing songs on it. How dare you! Slander, libel, you'll be hearing from my lawyer.
HZ: I like that he pulls this CD out and gives it to her and she's like, "I don't want another mix." That line says so much about the two-year relationship. And she's like, "The song is not going to make it better, it's over." But he pops open his phone and shows her a saucy video of herself.
JOY: Could that phone even take a video? Is a question that I have.
HZ: I think I did have a phone around 2005 that could take extremely grainy, tiny photos. I'm not sure it was capable of video and also probably didn't have the memory and even if it had been able to do them, you couldn't get those photos off the phone to anywhere else.
JOY: Right. But maybe Tad comes from an 09er family. Maybe this is the highest end flip phone you could possibly come by.
HZ: Maybe Kane Software or something has got...
JOY: Exactly. The Kane phone.
HZ: Over in the toilet office, Carmen is crying to Veronica. "I don't remember doing this video" and the video shows her skinny dipping in a hot tub with... a popsicle!
JOY: Oh my gosh. Right. We are to understand engaging in sort of like a popsicle -
HZ: Suggestive eating of a popsicle.
JOY: Duggestive eating of a popsicle. And she says, “I'd never do anything like that. It's disgusting.” What's disgusting - skinny dipping? Skinny dipping is not disgusting. Sucking on a popsicle? Not disgusting.
HZ: Eating in water is something that I always feel a bit yucky about.
JOY: Oh, yeah, maybe she meant eating a frozen popsicle in a hot hot tub, that does seem counterintuitive.
HZ: That's probably it. Hot tubs are also just swarming with bacteria. So maybe she's talking about hot tub hygiene, that's the disgusting part.
JOY: That could be, but they are very relaxing.
HZ: Maybe; not in this instance.
JOY: No, not in this instance. Okay, so Veronica Mars is hired.
HZ: She's hired to get the phone. That is the mission.
JOY: We slam through the credits and then another scene in the toilet office. Back to back toilet office scenes, but very different.
HZ: Yeah, the toilet office is doubling as Veronica's private sexy time room because she and Logan are making out against the sinks - and it's all right, she's hung an 'out of order' sign on the door. And then they behave like gender binary basics.
LOGAN: No, this is wrong. I mean a boy in a girl’s bathroom, it’s just -
VERONICA: So wrong, it’s right?
HZ: Eeryone knows that tons of boys have been in this girls’ bathroom because it's Veronica's daytime office.
JOY: Yeah, totally. Haven't we seen Weevil and Felix just hanging out in there? Maybe that was the boys’ bathroom.
HZ: And also Veronica grabbing people and pulling them into the office from this busy hallway, so people have witnessed strange lavatorial behaviour around this toilet. They're inured to it by now. Logan apologises for Dick's terrible behaviour. Veronica's like, "We've got to keep up appearances because Duncan's going to come home someday, and I don't want him to find out about Loganica from anyone else."
JOY: Loganica!
HZ: 'Vegan', someone came up with on our Facebook.
JOY: But Duncan's already dating somebody else, in a way that seems relatively serious, and I know that it can sting and feel weird no matter what, when you find out that your ex is dating somebody, especially if that somebody is your best friend - okay, I understand why she's worried. I talked myself into it. I'm here.
HZ: But Duncan preempted it because he spotted some chemistry between them way back in Episode 15.
JOY: Oh yeah, that's true. The episode of the fateful Total Eclipse of the Heart dance.
HZ: Exactly. Veronica gives Logan a parting gift of a tardy slip and heads off into the hallway with Wallace, who is still very bothered by Alicia and Keith's romance.
VERONICA: No offence but you look… odd.
WALLACE: I just watched our parents cuddle on the couch last night. My eyes, they burn.
VERONICA: Any idea what our parents do Mondays and Wednesdays from six to ten that requires an overnight bag?
WALLACE: As far as I’m concerned, they play bingo at the VFW. That’s my story, I’m sticking with it.
VERONICA: Best way to deal with things like this? Pretend they don’t exist.
HZ: Veronica casually asks Wallace to call a number halfway through sixth period; it's so casual that it seems to me this must be a very regular request. Like he barely even mentions it. It's a very low octane favour.
JOY: Yeah, she also just asks him very quickly to participate in a bump in bait. And he doesn't even need to ask what that means.
HZ: She walks backwards talking indignantly in the valley girl style, so that Tad bumps into her and while she's apologising, Wallace drops a phone into Tad's bag. It's a plan that seems a little confusing to me. But I'm not a teenage detective spy.
JOY: Yeah, maybe there was a cleaner way to do this than drop a burner phone in Tad's bag, walk into the class you have with Tad talking loudly on your own phone, and then get that phone confiscated and then have Wallace call the phone that he dropped in Tad's bag.
HZ: Halfway through sixth period, as instructed.
JOY: And then instead of finding the phone that is actually ringing, Tad pulls out his phone that's turned off and then the teacher, I think kind of unreasonabl,y confiscates this phone that is turned off - how could a teacher, from across the room, even determine which bag of which student was ringing?
HZ: Right, and also, at the time everyone had annoying novelty ringtone, so Veronica would have had to match Tad stupid ringtone. He would have something like the [Nokia ringtone].
JOY: Hey, one of the classic jams of all time from the Great American Songbook.
HZ: The other hole in this plan is that now Tad is still going to have that burner phone in his bag. You don't want Tad to find it because that would be a real weird clue.
JOY: Yeah, that would probably tip him off, and he'd probably be like, "There's only one student at Neptune who traffics in burner phones and it's Veronica Mars!" and then you have to drink.
HZ: And then in another class, Veronica asks the teacher to excuse her early because she volunteered to separate the trash from recycling at the cafeteria. There's so much plan.
JOY: It seems like there's just so many ways for this to go wrong. There's so many steps. Veronica, you could have figured something else out. Or maybe she likes the chase.
HZ: I think so. I think sometimes she's just got to stimulate her own mind. She dashes back to the classroom of Mr Wu, the study hall teacher that confiscated the phones earlier. He just opens his drawer and Veronica can dip her hand in and take whichever phone she wants.
JOY: Help yourself, Miss Mars!
HZ: So then Tad, not having the presence of mind to invent an excuse to get out of class early, comes in later - and he's wearing this huuuge cream cable knit button neck sweater, by the way, even though it seems to be quite a clement spring or early summer day and everyone else is wearing like tank tops; he's wearing this thing. And his phone is not there. He knows Veronica Mars has been up to something and he says her full name so you have to drink! This episode is front loaded with Plan. But this is just the beginning of plans.
JOY: Unfortunately.
HZ: If you cut out now, you think Veronica is quite good at a plan.
JOY: Right. But no time to dwell on that because Keith is around, and he is stoked!
KEITH: Hey, honey, how’s school?
VERONICA: You know. Mean kids and different teachers. Crumbling infrastructure. So, why are you smiling?
KEITH: Because I’m savouring the irony. Imagine the Mars family sending our heir, Veronica, to an Ivy League college with money from the bounty on the Kane heir.
JOY: I love to see Keith this stoked at the prospect of sending Veronica to an Ivy League school paid for with - he says "the bounty” on Duncan - is bounty the right word?
HZ: "Bounty" sounds a little more menacing. There's a reward for the recovery of missing Duncan, and it's $50,000 and Keith intends to get it.
VERONICA: Not bad.
KEITH: Money for nothing. That’s your first two years right there.
VERONICA: It might not be as easy as you think.
KEITH: Come on, honey, Duncan Kane? A sheltered rich kid who has maids fold his underwear? I think I’ll be able to track him down. I’m only worried about beating the other pros.
HZ: He couldn't plot his way out of his own underwear, let alone out of the country. Veronica confesses to him that in Episode 18 she told Meg, in Duncan's earshot, about the case of the disappearing person with a doctored eBay passport where you don't use your own car and you get cash. Then they're interrupted by Alicia Fennel coming in, looking angelic, humming so happily; Keith beams to see her. This couple is HAPPY.
JOY: They are STOKED, and we love it.
HZ: And they're off out. Where? Just out.
JOY: Just out; none of your business, kid.
HZ: They're probably going to go parking, aren't they?
JOY: Probably.
HZ: It's a hot match. But also their faces just seem absolutely radiant to see each other; it's a nice bit of romance acting between them. And who wouldn't be pleased to see Keith or Alicia?
JOY: They're both very pleasing.
HZ: Which means something shit's gonna happen to them.
JOY: Yes, of course.
HZ: Night falls; Veronica is still alone at the office until Carmen arrives. Veronica hands over the phone, but does warn her that “You know it's impossible to destroy a digital file with any kind of certainty,” and this was an era before all the instantaneous cloud copies.
JOY: Gross. So, to illustrate that point, and let us know without a shadow of doubt that wasn't an empty threat, Carmen smashes the phone and then immediately receives an email with the popsicle video in it.
HZ: Carmen smashes the phone with a statuette of someone holding the scales of justice.
JOY: Ooh, heavy-handed!
HZ: And surely that statuette is full of bugs from Vinnie Van Lowe or Clarence Wiedman, because what is the point of an ornament that is just an ornament in this universe? But then what happens is right away, it's Veronica who gets an instant message from someone called Top Gun, entitled 'Nice try', and that's the video of Carmen licking the popsicle. How did he know, timing-wise? Did he have some kind of alarm in his phone that goes off when it's smashed with a statuette? What is this? And so then you see a bit of the video of Carmen, covered by water, eating the popsicle suggestively. So we know that this problem's not over with the phone.
JOY: But in the meantime, hey, it's Mac. Mac is here, love to see Mac.
HZ: Mac's being useful. Veronica wants her to track passports that were shipped to Neptune.
MAC: Man, Veronica. Have you ever asked for help for anything normal?
VERONICA: What fun would that be?
HZ: And then they look over the schoolyard and they see Tad wearing a leather jacket, behaving like a human sweater cape over Carmen's shoulders.
JOY: Gross.
HZ: She looks not happy.
JOY: I mean, I definitely can't imagine being the kind of person who would do what he's doing to her; but even more than that, I can't imagine being the kind of person who would blackmail my girlfriend into not breaking up with me by holding a video of her over her head. But also, I really can't imagine - if the blackmail worked, I can't imagine then being in that relationship and feeling good about it, urgh, it's just like gross on every angle, on every side.
HZ: It certainly doesn't seem like it's going to result in a happy relationship. Wouldn't you just always be worried about what the partner who hates you is thinking and doing? Since you're such an insecure person anyway that you've blackmailed them into being with you? It seems like a nightmare. He's another bad man of Neptune.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: Weevil and his crew turn up; we haven’t seen Felix in quite a while.
JOY: But there he is.
HZ:There he is addressing lines to the back of Weevil's head.
WEEVIL: Now that’s a shame. Neighbourhood girl like that, wasting her assets on a white boy.
FELIX: Isn’t that that chick you had a crush on in eighth grade? Too bad you ain’t rich. And white. ’Cause damn is she fine.
HZ: Then we see my favourite thing: graphic design. There's a billboard for prom. And the theme is getting marooned in a special kind of font. There is a mauve sea and sky and clipart of a formally dressed couple on a beach and there's a frame made out of bamboo. And then it's $75 a ticket or $150 per couple, which is the same price, so why point it out?
JOY: Yeah, why wouldn't you like sort of out some kind of couples discount?
HZ: Because I suppose that is unfairly penalising people for flying solo.
JOY: True, but isn't that what heteronormative high school environments are all about?
HZ: Yeah, there's a financial incentive to pursue heteronormativity
JOY: Right.
HZ: I only know things about from from American television and films. There seems to be a lot of pressure to have a prom date but do people go solo? Because in Britain, an occasion like this, you'd probably go solo and then find someone was there to put on your face.
JOY: Right. Yeah, there's a lot of there's a lot of hoopla around the pre-prom photo and who you rent a limo with to go to prom and then where you go after prom.
HZ: Do you have to rent a limo?
JOY: You don't have to, but it's it's like relatively common, I think. I didn't go to prom in high school.
HZ: Did you want to not go, or did you want to go but didn’t go?
JOY: I very much wanted to not go.
HZ: What did you do instead? Some soul-searching skinny dipping?
HZ: What a night.
JOY: So the pictures that you take beforehand, it's very, very date-centri;c but people do go stag and also people go with friends, like that's not uncommon.
HZ: This prom billboard that I just critiqued is also being critiqued by a character that we have only just met who's called Seth and he's explaining to a girl why this prom sucks in great detail. And we learn from the following dialogue why both of these people are considered marginal. And Tad breaks from sweater-caping Carmen to be a toxic masc.
SETH: Get marooned. Great. Another island-centric prom theme. Another year of double digit IQed jocks laughing at their own jokes about getting laid as freshman hula girls put flowers around their necks.
TAD: I don’t see anybody forcing you to buy tickets, queer-bait.
SETH: I’m sorry, am I giving away your best material, uh?
TAD’S FRIEND: Isn't the gay prom next Friday in the Dog Beach men's room?
SETH: So I guess I'll see you there, sailor!
TAD: What'd you just say to me, Boy George?
SETH: Come on. The Navy? “Cover my back, wingman!” “The rear admiral wants us to pound away with the ten-inch gun!” I mean, isn’t just joining the Navy alone gay enough to get you thrown out of the Navy.
TAD: The prom is supposed to be for traditional couples, man.
TAD’S FRIEND: Oh, come on. What’s more traditional than fairies and fat chicks?
JOY: Yeah, this is pretty wretched.
HZ: There is a lot of gross behaviour in this because firstly, Tad call Seth 'queerbait' to imply that Seth is gay.
JOY: Wow. Haven't heard that name in years, Helen. Wow!
HZ: But we don't even know throughout this episode whether Seth is gay or whether Tad just thinks he looks gay. We know nothing about Seth and his thoughts and feelings, nothing. He's really just a convenience for a number of characters. Tad calls him Boy George because he doesn't have a more up to date gay reference or one that's more appropriate for Seth, who is this pretty ordinary-presented school kid whereas Boy George presented himself in extraordinary ways and flouted expectations of gender and sexuality, whereas all Seth is doing is wearing a pink shirt.
JOY: When he said ‘Boy George’, I just pictured George Michael by accident, so it didn't seem as egregious a reference to me; but now that you're saying that, I agree.
HZ: And I don't know that I should expect better from the teens of 2005 than this sort of basic bitch homophobia with the rear admiral and the cottaging references, but in this show so far, the LGBT representation has just been Justin's trans parent in episode three. I think that's the only thing. So the Neptune kids, perhaps unsurprisingly, are totally clueless and gross.
JOY: Yeah, it's not great.
HZ: And then Tad's friend who's just credited as 'Tad's lackey', although apparently is also called Ted in episode four, The Wrath of Con - when Tad says "The prom is supposed to be for traditional couples," Tad's lackey says, "What's more traditional than fairies and fat chicks?" who is the other character in the scene, but she doesn't get any lines. So, traditional couples fuck off. All of this can fuck off.
JOY: Yeah, is it too late to just put this whole episode in the trash?
HZ: Carmen I think would like to. She really looks like she's swallowing her own sick.
JOY: Right? Oh god, imagine feeling like you had to date this guy, or you had to keep dating this guy. Do you think he was a shitbag before this?
HZ: Yes. Yeah.
JOY: He's got a particularly shitbaggy punchable kind of face. Not that I'm advocating anybody actually punch anybody in the face ever. But he just has like a real kind of smug aura.
HZ: He seems to be very quick to bad behaviour when something is not going his way.
JOY: Oh my. I just realised he reminds me of someone and it's Troy. He's like a less charming Troy.
HZ: He's got that skullcap of hair like Troy.
JOY: Exactly. Yup, hair the same shape as his head.
HZ: Also Tad's got this thing where he's like "Well if I can't have Carmen, no one can."
JOY: Gross.
HZ: That's not allowed. Stop being so entitled. She's not a prop, she's a human being. Tad is just denying Carmen agency throughout this episode, I guess, which is why he's so objectionable.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: Carmen is walking with Veronica feeling terrible, even just in less than a day of this fake dating Tad. And she's like, "If the video gets out, then I'm going to be a downloadable national joke like Paris Hilton or that Star Wars kid." Do you remember that Star Wars kid, Jenny?
JOY: I don't. Could you tell me what the Star Wars kid is?
HZ: Star Wars Kid was a pre-YouTube viral video filmed in 2002 - on an actual tape! It was a Canadian teen called Ghyslain Raza. And he was swinging around a golf ball retriever in the style of Darth Maul's lightsaber in The Phantom Menace; and then school friends supposedly found this tape and distributed it and he later followed the lawsuit against them and settled out of court and he got a lot of death threats and had a pretty rubbish time.
JOY: Doesn't sound very viral-ready?
HZ: No. Well, it was 2002 so standards were lower.
JOY: People were desperate.
HZ: And then Veronica drops the title of the episode: “mutually assured destruction.” That is the plan Carmen needs according to Veronica, and she advises destroying Tad back.
JOY: So is mutually assured destruction like a thing people say? Is it like a Navy term? Like what's going on? Where'd this come from? Oh, does it have something to do with the atomic bomb? Because that's something they keep referring to information like harmful information as an A-bomb. Veronica is like, "We need to get you your own A-bomb."
HZ: Yes, it's a military term. And I think the original idea of it was that both sides would have enough nuclear weaponry to destroy the other side, so neither side would start anything, because it would be certain destruction for both. That's Veronica's plan. So I suppose it's like holding Tad's video in check, because something equally bad for him would drop.
JOY: What a great way to live.
HZ: Right? Veronica's not really being engaged here to do detective work. She's just there as a revenge buddy. And I think what it is showing up is her lack of understanding or compassion for people. Because I don't think mutually assured destruction is a good plan, and I don't think Carmen thinks it's a good plan. And also it's not a good plan. Because it doesn't work. And I think the fact Veronica thinks of it is showing that she is off her game.
JOY: Says something about Veronica.
HZ: She commands Carmen to invite Tad for a romantic afternoon on the Neptune boardwalk. But before that, Veronica goes to the car yard and there is Weevil wearing a sleeveless henley. How do you like that? And enormous jeans. Massive jeans. Covering the whole car yard. Like denim wings on his legs.
JOY: Helen. Are those enormous jeans or am I excited to see Weevil?
HZ: Jenny.
JOY: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't say that. I'm so excited to see Weevil, and I love that he wants to help. And I love that he wants to be compensated for helping.
WEEVIL: The word is the Kanes are offering a nice little reward to find Duncan.
VERONICA: You pick up some leads when you broke into the Kane house or were you just covering your tracks? You used me.
WEEVIL: Yeah, well. We’re always owing each other favours, aren’t we? Don't give me that look. If you really thought I'd hurt Lilly you'd have a homing device on my ass already. I just heard something I thought might be worth, say, uh, 10 per cent of your finder’s fee.
VERONICA: Ten per cent? Depends on what that something it.
WEEVIL: How about a certain spoiled white boy bought a crapped out Impala from my uncle’s friend a few weeks back?
VERONICA: Eight per cent, if it pans out and you throw in that alternator.
JOY: I love this reference about how they're always owing each other favours. Great, great, great.
HZ: Jacket watch: Veronica is wearing what looks like a kind of normal, smallish, dark grey ish, heavy cotton-ish jacket - from the front. But on the back, it has cross-lacing like it's a corset.
JOY: Noooo. Veronica, no!
HZ: If any garment needs to be tightened between these two, it's the legs of Weevil's jeans. Cross lace those if you must.
JOY: Agree. I guess - this is like a really interesting - one of the things of the mid 2000s was this attempt at utilitarianalising hyper feminine garments or like feminising kind of like masc-leaning garments. The worst thing about shopping to me, the worst thing about shopping in the women's section, is like seeing something that you like and being like, “Oh, this is so cool” and then pulling it off the rack just far enough that you see it does something that it definitely shouldn't do. Like it's misled you, it's like, "Here I am, a regular jacket," but then you take it off the rack to put it on and it has fucking corset lacing on the back. Or like lace around the bottom for no reason. Or ruffles at the end of the sleeves, or cinching where there doesn't need to be cinching.
HZ: Or it's just entirely backless.
JOY: Yeah, why bother with the back?
HZ: Maybe that's why vintage was popular in this decade, because the close of the present were so heinous. Then fellow style icon Logan pulls up in his yellow Nissan, takes Veronica to his house and rotatokissing they make it indoors. And you know, like, they do some very stagy kissing in this episode where they're kissing but also rotating and bashing up against various different walls and furniture.
JOY: Listen. When you're young, things feel way more desperate than they actually are. You've got to spin!
HZ: They're getting so much exercise while they kiss. In the background of the Echolls living room, there's a cabinet containing many framed photos of Aaron. We're used to that from the set dressing, but also a bunch of awards, including two Oscars.
JOY: Damn, I missed that. What do you think those are for?
HZ: I don't know, because I thought they'd built up Aaron to be quite a shit actor, just doing these crappy action films and sequels.
JOY: I was wondering if - when they they said that when Veronica later says that she got caught making out by the star of Breaking Point and Breaking Point 2, I was wondering if that was supposed to be a Point Break reference, if Aaron was supposed to be a Patrick Swayze type.
HZ: Maybe one of the awards is for Dance Dirty and Dance Dirty 2 then.
JOY: Ah ha Helen! Dance Dirty!
HZ: What would Aaron have an Oscar for though? I reckon he could have had Best Supporting Actor for some role that he did when he was like 24, and then he got offered all these big budget parts and never did a good film again. And maybe the other one was, somehow, he was in like the best song?
JOY: Sure, yeah. We have heard him sing a little bit, haven't we? We've heard him sing ‘Deck the Halls’.
HZ: Oh, yeah. Exquisite.
JOY: In the pumpkin Christmas episode.
HZ: There's some other awards that I can't make out. But I would love to read the Aaron Echolls trophy cabinet more carefully.
JOY: Oh, hell yeah.
HZ: Aaron is out at the moment. He's doing a glass-blowing class. This is how he's occupying himself since he's retired from acting to discover himself and deal with his grief. There's a glass object on the mantlepiece that he made, which is an ashless urn for Lynn filled with supposedly symbolic seawater, but it's completely clear, whereas sea water tends to be a little gross.
JOY: A little on the grey side?
HZ: Yeah, a little filthy. There's also a TV screen above the mantlepiece but with a huge flower arrangement blocking it, so that seems counterproductive.
JOY: I have to say that that Aaron Echolls's grief curriculum sounds pretty dope.
HZ: It sounds great. If he was a decent person, I'd be on board with him. It's just that he's violent and terrible.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: And then Veronica and Logan discuss their relationship for four lines.
JOY: I think that's as long as either of them can stomach it for.
HZ: Yeah. Then they sink into the couch kissing, but they're interrupted by Aaron because his glassblowing class was cancelled.
HZ: I do think this is the most normal and least sinister interaction we've ever seen Logan and Aaron have though, because everyone's very awkward. Aaron offers them some blue corn chips and then excuses himself. It's quite a normal scene. He's gonna make swordfish with lime tequila marinade later.
JOY: Sounds really good.
HZ: Aaron sounds great, except for him being a violent nightmare person. Then while Veronica is sorting out her lipstick in the bathroom, the doorbell rings and Dick and Beaver show up, and so Veronica hides.
JOY: And is this the first time we're hearing about Logan surfing?
HZ: I can't remember.
JOY: Well, listeners, if you can't remember either, let's just call it the first time we're hearing about Logan surfing. Logan surfs. He goes surfing with Dick and Beaver, aka Cassidy.
HZ: Every year they go to Mexico and have their annual surf and chicks fest. And I feel like they should have come up with a rhyme for that by now.
JOY: Yeah, it should have a snappier name, right?
HZ: Beaver has even heard about a cheerleader contest outside Rosarito, which is where they're going. And Dick's like:
DICK Beer, waves and weak-willed cheerleaders right next door.
HZ: I would have thought cheerleaders have to have a very strong will to do all that training.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: I hope that Dick strikes out and fails to score with any cheerleaders this weekend. This is awkward for Veronica to hear. And also she's left her bag by the couch, and Dick has spotted this.
JOY: Right, right, right.
HZ: Aaron and Logan collude to rescue the bag and Aaron offers Veronica ride home.
JOY: Yeah, I mean again, shitty behaviour aside, this is a nice move to see from Aaron.
HZ: He's being quite normal dad this episode, and in the car, which is often quite an awkward place to be, there's a song playing by a band called Lobo. It's a song called 'Me and You and a Dog Named Boo', and I'd not heard it before, it's peak dadrock-sounding.
JOY: You've never heard 'A Dog Named Boo'?
HZ: Sorry.
JOY: No, no, I mean, I guess that makes sense. There's probably not a lot of room for dogs named Boo in the the British songbook.
HZ: Is it a classic?
JOY: I imagine all the dogs in England being named like Archibald, like Rufus.
HZ: And the Earl of Middlesex.
JOY: Okay, every dog I ever owned for the rest of my life will have a title and a name, thank you.
HZ: Smash the aristocracy!
JOY: I can't, Helen, it's too cute.
HZ: It's not cute.
JOY: Think about a dog that's also an earl. So Aaron takes this opportunity to ask Veronica about Logan.
AARON: He was such a good kid. When Lilly died, he became…
VERONICA: Difficult?
AARON: Well, maybe it’s in the genes. I can be ‘difficult’ from time to time. But whatever, I don’t know if you guys are serious or casual or just talking; but your secret’s safe with me, you know? Look, I just appreciate whatever you’re doing to help him through it. Veronica, I'm glad you two are together. I like what I see in him when he's with you.
HZ: Yeah, Aaron, and all of the LoVe shippers alike. Do we believe what Aaron's saying here, or is he just trying to convince himself that he's a good dad and they're a normal family?
JOY: I'm not sure.
HZ: He drops Veronica off; she realises her relationship must be official thanks to dad chat. And then we check in on how Tad and Carmen's date at the boardwalk is going. It's going pretty boardwalk-classic, because he buys her some candy floss and is drinking a slushy so they're both sugary as fuck. Oh my god, the music - do you know this song Jenny?
JOY: I recognise it and was like, is this the least egregious piece music I've heard licensed in this show so far?
HZ: No, it's not, because the lyrics are really something.
JOY: Oh no!
HZ: The song is called 'Finding Out True Love is Blind' by Louis XIV, and the lyrics are "Ah chocolate girl. You're looking like something I want and your little Asian friend, well, she can cover she wants."
JOY: OH NO!
HZ: "I want all the self conscious girls who tried to hide who they are with makeup. You know it's the girl with a frown with the tight pants I really want to shake up. Hey, carrot juice. I want to squeeze you until you bleed. And your vanilla friend, well, she looks like something I need." Booo!
JOY: I was uncharacteristically not listening to the lyrics while this song was happening. I was just like, "Wow, this kind of bumps, alright."
HZ: Yeah, it was an OK-sounding slightly punky song. But no.
JOY: It's horrific
HZ: But it's soundtracking a scene of a supposedly happy couple buying novelty hats; Carmen finds one like a flower, his is like a bee. They go to a photo booth, take cute pics. JOY: Oh my god, did they pick those hats because like bees fucking pollinate flowers?
HZ: Probably. Although I was wondering whether she picked the flower hat because of the ease of photoshopping later because it's covering her hair.
JOY: Oh true.
HZ: And they can just cut around her face. They walk along with their arms intertwined in the most uncomfortable looking way. And she asks, "How much do you love me?" and the next thing, he's got a tattoo on his shoulder.
JOY: I thought tattoo artists were not supposed to tattoo you if you were drunk on a vodka slushy.
HZ: Then he seems very kind of whole woozy with love, and maybe adrenaline at the tattoo.
TAD: I don’t know what it is about you, Carmen, that makes me feel plumb loco.
CARMEN: Do you wanna try something really crazy? I want you to go talk with Seth.
TAD: Why, do you need fashion advice?
CARMEN: I heard from that drama chick, Gina, that he has the best X in school. I don’t know, I thought, maybe on prom night, you’d wanna experiment with me after the dance?
TAD: This is why I love you. Be right back.
JOY: Helen. Helen!
HZ: Are you ok, Jenny? We should have a safe word for episodes like this so that you can get out of the recap.
JOY: Are these teens really not already doing ecstasy?
HZ: Apparently he's got the best ecstasy though; maybe they were doing subpar ecstasy.
JOY: Right, right. Right. Right. Right. And as we find out later, Tad has parent and military concerns about doing drugs - which I feel like ecstasy would stay in your system long enough that, now that he's about to go to the Navy, he might be in some trouble.
HZ: Yeah. Although maybe he's so led by romance that he's like, "I'll do anything for this girl, even fail a drug test." He seems very trusting of someone who just the other day was trying to dump him and is only staying with him because he's coercing her.
JOY: Maniacal.
HZ: Then Seth strolls by in his stripy pink shirt and Tad catches up to him at that kind of bloke handshake. Veronica is taking long lens pictures from afar and conveniently for her purposes, Tad is asking Seth for drugs in a very touchy-feely way, touching his chest.
JOY: When I'm buying drugs, Helen, I'm just whispering sweet nothings into the ear of my prospective dealer.
HZ: Gently tweaking the nipples.
JOY: Jesus Christ!
HZ: This plan is so fallible again, because they could have had this conversation without Tad touching Seth, or even standing near him, because it all seems to be coming from Tad and not Seth, who's in on the plan. And also why is Seth in on the plan? Like what the hell is in it for Seth?
JOY: Well, I think he hates Tad.
HZ: Yeah, but this plan to me seems like Seth is gonna get some shit for it. So this is a horrible plan, basically: Veronica's going to gay-frame Tad. That is Veronica's big plan. She needs Carmen to get a soundtrack for these photos she's taken and he says the perfect things when Carmen calls him.
JOY: What are the odds?
CARMEN: Hey, Tad. I had such a great time today.
TAD: Me too, baby. I wish I had you here right now though in my bed. I can’t wait until after prom for our little erotic experiment.
CARMEN: I had no idea that you’d be so into dropping X together.
TAD: Are you kidding me? I’ve always been curious. I was just always worried about my parents, you know? Or the Naval Academy. They’d kick me out if they ever found out.
CARMEN: Are you sure you’re ready for me?
TAD: Big time.
CARMEN: Nighty night. [Hangs up.] So how was that?
VERONICA: That was a little scary.
HZ: The plan is going so smoothly for Veronica, which it really doesn't deserve to. Later Keith gets in and Veronica is cooking chicken kiev, which is a great dish. Her cookery has come such a long way during this season. But Keith cannot stop even for chicken kiev.
JOY: And it's not because, as Veronica initially assumes, that he's on his way to yet another date with Alicia Fennel, but rather because he got a hot hot Duncan tip. "Yale, baby!" he shouts as he runs off to follow the tip, which is that the Impala was left outside or is currently parked outside of a hotel in Tijuana.
HZ: Yep, and Tijuana is only 76 miles from San Clemente, aka Neptune. But when Keith gets there, it's bright day. So he could have had a night with Alicia and then gone to Tijuana in the morning and still been in plenty of time to make inquiries about what room some guy who owns the Impala might be in and pay someone for that information and then he goes in, and then he goes and busts a Mexican accent out:
KEITH: Room service.
HZ: Both Marses and their accents, not their best trait.
JOY: Is this the most painful thing that Keith has ever done?
HZ: Well, he does another accident later in the episode, so…
JOY: It's like this is the beginning and that is - these are the bookends of the worst of Keith.
HZ: And also, this is clearly a hotel that does not offer room service. It's a motel. It's a pretty drab-looking motel. But there's a startled lady in the bed, and a man getting dressed who is unfortunately not Duncan, but does appear to be a police officer.
JOY: Nice. So Keith finds out that the car was abandoned with a case of beer and a sign that said 'free car' in Spanish on the front seat.
HZ: He says, "Maybe Duncan was smarter than I was giving credit." Don't feel bad, Keith, because Duncan fools everyone that he's not smart, or even a real human. No family dinner for the Marses again because Keith's got plans with Alicia, but at least Mac is around keep Veronica company and she's having a great time looking at the profile on the Neptune swingles site for their math teacher Mr. Heinrich.
JOY: I was really so curious upon seeing this that I almost googled 'swingles'. And then I remembered what a terrible idea that would be.
HZ: Put safesearch on, Jenny, or at least do a private session.
JOY: Well, private session but then I would still - I wouldn't be safe from the search. And you know, I might run into a teacher or something; you don't know what you're gonna run into and you can't unknow it.
HZ: It's a good portmanteau. The profile pic that they've given him on this site: he is wearing a line green satin shirt, unbuttoned low. He's got animal print cushions. I wonder which member of the production team they made pose as Mr. Heinrich.
JOY: Ah, brutal.
HZ: Of course, Veronica needs a favour from Mac, but she seems up for it.
VERONICA: How long does it take you to create a highly incriminating, thoroughly libellous, sexually explicit website?
MAC: Hmm... forty-five minutes, give or take? I’ll get started on it as I’m done reading about how Mr Heinrich’s interests include ‘horseback riding on the beach, hot tubbing with special friends and “sensual” charades.’
VERONICA: Oh, thanks Mac. That’s a mental image I’ll carry with me to the grave.
HZ: Seth wanders in as well, implying that he's been in on this whole plan and he's not been entrapped into it unknowingly. Outside Tad is wearing a baby blue polo with vertical stripes, that I think maybe we've seen this before on another character - maybe on Duncan, or maybe on Dick. It's way too big for him anyway. And he looks pissed off as he approaches Veronica and Carmen on a bench and he wants his cellphone back. So he gets it back, in a baggy.
JOY: Heh, smashed to bits.
HZ: Veronica says that whatever he does as revenge to Carmen, she'll hurt him worse. And he's like "Carmen made me do it. And if she makes him do it again" - which is classic victim-blaming. What the fuck, Tad? He's just without merit, this guy. He sucks even worse than Meg's boyfriend in episode eight.
JOY: Yeah, you are right. And Veronica shows him the website that Mac worked so hard on, and wow, there's so much going on here. There's pictures -
HZ: It's called Our Precious Secret.
JOY: Ourprecioussecret.com/TadAndSeth. And there's pictures from Tad touching Seth's shoulder under the overpass thing that they were underneath for a little bit. And there's Photoshop versions of the pictures that he took in the photo booth with Carmen but Seth's face is in the flower, and the song that he made for Carmen at the beginning of the episode is playing as the soundtrack to the website.
HZ: It is not worse than the songs on this show's soundtrack.
JOY: You are right about that. And then the icing on the cake is that they've edited together a new version of the phone conversation that Carmen had with Tad to make it sound like he and Seth are talking about experimenting, sexually together, ta-da. Wow, what a beautiful masterpiece you've put together, Veronica, fuck you.
TAD: You guys just faked that with Photoshop. No one’s gonna believe this.
VERONICA: Huh? Oooh.
SETH: [From the computer screen] Hey, Tad.
TAD: [From the computer screen] I can’t wait until after prom for our little, ah, erotic experiment.
SETH: [From the computer screen] Why didn’t you tell me you were into guys?
TAD: [From the computer screen] Are you kidding me? I’ve always been curious. Yeah, I was just always worried about my parents, you know, or the Naval Academy. They’d kick me out if they ever found out.
CARMEN: Seen enough?
TAD: Whatever, who cares about what this school thinks about me. I’m gone in a month.
VERONICA: Actually, I was able to get the email addresses of every Plebe at Annapolis. One press of a button and each of your new classmates will have the link to this very special website. The navy’s got that don’t ask, don’t tell thing. If we tell, they’re gonna ask. Mutually assured destruction. Think hard, Tad.
HZ: So this is why I think Seth is going to suffer the worst with this, because I think Tad's going to go straight off and beat him up, and then some. Also, Seth is just being used by Veronica as well, as the token gay or gay-esque student at Neptune High. We know nothing more about him or his investment in this plan. He's just a tool for her. And I don't like that. And also I don't like the whole plan being predicated on this idea that the worst thing that could happen to Tad is people thinking that he's gay.
JOY: They bring up Don't Ask, Don't Tell. And basically Tad's entire life plan is to join the Navy. And if there were some public information available implying that he were gay, that he wouldn't be allowed to be in the Navy in 2004, 2005. It seems like it's not aimed particularly at Tad's placement socially at school, but rather fucking with his future career plans.
HZ: They could have just done that by getting him to fail the drug test though, right?
JOY: Oh true.
HZ: They don't need this; it's Veronica enacting something that is already bad, this idea that being thought to be gay is ruinous; just, I think sabotage him a different way.
JOY: Sure, yeah, sure.
HZ: Carmen stalks off; she never wants to speak to Tad again. Veronica queues for the school bus, but there's Logan sitting on her fixed car. His dad's driver collected it from the yard.
JOY: How thoughtful.
VERONICA: Wow, I'll just try to keep this little gesture in mind this weekend when you and Dick and the Beaver are off getting blasted and scamming cheerleaders.
LOGAN: Yeah... Actually, I had to tell Dick I'm not available, 'cause I have other plans.
VERONICA: There are cheerleaders with low self-esteem available domestically?
LOGAN: Are you free Friday? Maybe we could go out.
JOY: He asks her out on a date! Does she want to ride his boat to Catalina Island and have dinner and a movie?
HZ: How far offshore is Catalina Island and is Logan capable of sailing safely there and back?
JOY: Ooh, what a great question.
HZ: Because a lot of the channels of the Pacific are choppy. Logan drops a little clue here because he tells Veronica that Aaron likes her and feels some way because of the stuff with her parents that you saw in the paper - but what stuff? And what does Aaron feel? We won't know because Dick interrupts! And Logan tells Veronica to meet him at 10ish at the Albacore Club, which is not only a type of tuna, but also a club of the rich and powerful in the film Chinatown, the filming location for which was on Catalina Island.
JOY: Oh my god!
HZ: in real life, it's the Tuna Club of Avalon. So you can see where the inspiration came from. Members have included Bing Crosby, Charlie Chaplin and Cecil B. De Mille.
JOY: Wow. Thank you.
HZ: And Jenny Owen Youngs maybe? I don't know what you have to do to get in.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: You have to swim to Catalina Island.
JOY: Right? So Veronica races to the newspaper to find whatever it is that Aaron saw in the paper and there's a notice of service seeking Lianne Mars, "Please contact this number immediately, legal proceedings have begun in your name," so wow, what could it mean?
HZ: Hold on though. Firstly, she finds this pretty quickly, and yet she doesn't know what paper Aaron read it in, which day, and yet she's got the right day's copy? And then she noticed this tiny little small ad - like Aaron was ever reading the small ads in the local paper.
JOY: Right?
HZ: And then did you spot the ads that are next to this?
JOY: I did not; what did it say?
HZ: There's one for a vibrating ficus that says "I think the neighbours misplaced it." And "A velvet Elvis, painting depicting a smoke out session with old scratch in the commode. The wellbeing of my chinchilla depends on it. If found please contact..."
JOY: Oh my fucking god. What?
HZ: They had a bit of fun putting this paper together I guess. Who knows what the rest of the page says? Didn't see! Who can give Veronica the information about what is going on?
JOY: Cliff! Cliff, obviously. He's kind of tied up right now with a woman named Loretta Cancun.
HZ: From the pilot! His client from the pilot.
JOY: She's back in business with Cliff. They've got something going on.
HZ: She's played by Ameenah Kaplan, who is in two Avengers films playing two different parts. And also she plays Val in the latter end of The Office. The foreman of the warehouse. Sadly you don't get to see much of her, but she's sure tearing up the place with Cliff.
VERONICA: Why would someone place a notice of legal proceedings in the classifieds section?
CLIFF: Well, it could be anything. Could you be more specific?
VERONICA: Like, say, a man seeking the whereabouts of a woman.
CLIFF: Could be child support, civil suit, divorce. [To Loretta Cancun:] You just sign right here, dear.
VERONICA: Divorce?
CLIFF: "Screw you, pig." Nice. Okay, like a big girl now? [To Veronica:] Yeah, California law, you have to run a notice for seven days before you can file for divorce on grounds of abandonment. I gotta run, V.
HZ: And this is day six. So Veronica calls the paper to cancel the critical seventh day ad. She just needs Keith's password to it. So, unfortunately, shit out of luck.
JOY: Yeah, shocked that she doesn't have a password ready to go, at least a best estimate.
HZ: I suppose she still remembers getting a dye pack to the face when she tried Keith's safe combination. Then she tracks Keith by cellphone.
JOY: Which she'd feel bad about if he hadn't done it to her first.
HZ: She's not Keith's legal guardian though, so I feel like it's not necessarily equivalent. Obviously it's not good family behaviour either way, but - although now people probably have that thing on their iPhones, don’t they, where you can track everybody.
JOY: It's true.
HZ: She pulls up outside a Hotel Dunes; the receptionist says there's nobody there under the names Mars or Fennel. Now, of course we know Veronica is great at tricking hotel receptionists when she's got a partner, but she's flying solo here.
JOY: She hears jazz, it's like, you know, when a cartoon character smells a pie from far away. She hears that music, and her feet just come up off the floor and her little paws curl over and she just kind of floats in the direction of romantic music and sees Keith and Alicia ripping it up, dancing the night away.
HZ: It's so nice. They're even wearing matching clothes. They look so happy. They're such an adorable couple; they're so hot for each other.
JOY: Yes. And this is where Veronica maybe starts to loosen her grip a little bit.
HZ: I hope so. Wouldn't be so bad to have Wallace's mom around in her life a bit more.
JOY: Right? Alicia rocks.
HZ: At school the next day, Veronica greets Carmen, who seems very happy, but not for long.
JERKY DUDE: Hey, Carmen!
CARMEN: Hi.
JERKY DUDE: I was wondering if you were hungry.
CARMEN: No.
JERKY DUDE: ‘Cause I thought you might want to suck on my popsicle.
JOY: And he pulls out a frozen popsicle that is not dripping in any way from behind his back and I need to understand how long he's been standing there with a popsicle that refuses to melt waiting to deliver this line.
HZ: Waiting to run into her. I call bullshit on this prop. This guy is just credited as 'jerky dude', by the way, and rightly so.
JOY: We see Felix showing Weevil the video and Weevil is fucking pissed! Weevil is pissed.
HZ: Maybe Weevil is angry that this show punishes female characters for having any kind of sexual life.
JOY: I think that's definitely true.
HZ: Weevil is also is wearing very low buttoned shirt showing off a tattoo on his chest of someone in a hat. I don't know if you got a more detailed look at it, Jenny.
JOY: I uncharacteristically did not get a closer look at it. Helen. I'm sorry. I've failed you on this occasion.
HZ: I thought you might have been able to ID the person in a hat.
JOY: Based on my research on my website FrancisCapraTattoos.com/personinhat, it's a portrait of me, actually. Is that weird?
HZ: In the media room, Veronica finds Carmen sobbing. She seems like such a good egg, Carmen. She seems so sweet and nice and the harshest insult for Tad she can muster is:
CARMEN: …crapface.
JOY: Oh bless her.
HZ: It's really hard for her to say. But she also says, "I'd rather the whole world think I'm trashy than have a guy like Tad think he can push me around."
JOY: I love her.
HZ: Yes, she's right. She you know, fuck it they want to shame her, but she doesn't want to be in an emotionally abusive relationship.
JOY: Hell yeah Carmen. You know who won't emotionally abuse you, Carmen: starts with a W, ends with an -eevil. just a thought.
HZ: That would be nice. Unfortunately I'm not sure we ever see Carmen again.
JOY: I don't think we do.
HZ: Veronica invites her to hit send on the defamatory email about Tad that will go to everyone at the Military Academy. But -
JOY: Carmen takes the high road.
CARMEN: Tearing Tad down isn’t gonna make me feel any better.
VERONICA: Carmen, I can’t stress enough -
CARMEN: Sorry, Veronica, I guess revenge just isn’t my thing.
HZ: Like Meg in episode eight, Veronica keeps missing the lesson that revenge isn't going to go well.
JOY: Yeah, Veronica is so disappointed when Carmen says, "I guess revenge just isn't my thing." Carmen is apologising to Veronica that Veronica doesn't get to experience the vicarious thrill of revenge.
HZ: After she's poured all of her worst instincts into it too. Later Veronica spies on two young boys watching the video and scares them away, and then studies the video. And this trips a memory. She sees this string of star-shaped lights behind the hot tub. Those lights were hanging up at Shelly Pomroy's party. Could this be the same night Veronica was drugged and raped?
JOY: Luckily, she just happens to know somebody who can help her find out.
HZ: At the Mars HQ: firstly, Keith and Veronica are having a nice chat about about those ads, because he's like, "If I ever decided to move on, then serving notice was the first step and I'm not trying to surprise you," and she's like, "I just want you to be happy," and we're like, "So do we! That's all we want for Keith. Please just let him be happy."
JOY: Let him be happy please.
HZ: Mac arrives, and this might be when she and Keith first meet because Veronica introduces them. It seems like they would be pretty natural buddies.
JOY: Yeah, two of a kind.
HZ: And also Keith would respect the IT skills.
JOY: Oh yeah, definitely.
HZ: She's found the name of the guy whose Argentinian passport was bought off eBay and then shipped to the airport Marriott. Meaning that Keith, inspired by the Argentina-ness of it all, does another accent and then tangoes off.
JOY: Keith, no.
KEITH: Hi, so. Argentina. Roberto Nalbandion. It’s great. Hm, hm, hm...
JOY: I like to see Keith tango, but not in this context.
HZ: Veronica seems super happy for him. But it's the worst moment of Jenny's life.
JOY: Yeah, well, Veronica's like, "Thank God, because I just spent my entire college savings sending my mom to rehab. So it'd be cool if we got this frickin reward."
HZ: Yeah, right? "I don't want to save my mom for her own wellbeing, just for her to get back with you. That's her worth: as a wife, not as an individual."
JOY: Women are things, Helen, when are you going to just accept it?
HZ: I know, I know, live the Neptune way.
JOY: So Veronica asks Mac if there's a way to figure out when a video was taken; Mac very handily finds the timestamp. And it turns out it's the same night.
HZ: 3:23am on the 7th of December 2003, which is supposedly the night of Shelly Pomroy's party. At Kane Software, Alicia chats cutely with Keith on the phone, but things are about to get shitty. She goes into a conference room and Clarence Wiedman's there, which is never good news.
JOY: Yeah, you never want to see that man filling up a doorway or taking up the whole end of a conference table.
HZ: Well, you can't really see him because the conference room is very dark; there's just too bright spotlights at two points on the table, shining light on a kind of arty, empty bowl, and a tray of four empty glasses. Why? Clarence is at the end backlit by a screen, and he wants to talk to her about Keith Mars. I think generally the costuming on this show is done well to make the costumes seem plausible for the charact ers, except for Clarence Wiedman's, because here he's wearing a brass buttoned blazer like he is Richard Gilmore, rather than someone who is 30 years younger, and not a white old country club member.
JOY: Not the look we're looking for from Clarence Wiedman, and not the sentiment we're looking for from Clarence Wiedman either.
ALICIA: What?
CLARENCE WIEDMAN: I know you’ve been seeing Mr Mars for the past couple months. What you may not know: he is a man with a known grudge against the Kane family and this company. I’m gonna have to ask you to stop seeing him if you want to avoid problems with your job here.
ALICIA: Look, Mr Weed, or whatever your name is. I have been a perfect employee since the moment I stepped through that door, and I have never done anything to raise questions as to my dedication to my job. The idea that you can tell me what I can and can’t do with my personal life? Well, Clarence -
CLARENCE WIEDMAN: Mrs Fennel. You know what this is? This is an electronic eavesdropping device. A bug. I found it in that houseplant which has been in my office for the last several weeks. You know who delivered it? Your son, Wallace. Like I said: you really might want to reconsider your relationship with Mr Mars.
JOY: He's huge, and he's backlit, and he's trying to like throw his weight around, and I love that she just is not interested in taking him seriously. We'll be here for it.
HZ: Although she does seem perturbed that her son delivered a bugged houseplant.
JOY: Well, once she gets a little more information, it becomes more disturbing, yes.
HZ: The thing is though, Alicia has not been very keen on Veronica, and she is kind of justified, because Veronica has made her son do something illegal.
JOY: It's true. Maybe she should stop seeing Veronica but keep seeing Keith.
HZ: That's right. At school, no one is around but Tad, who is stuck to the flagpole with silver duct tape over his bathing suit region, à la Wallace in the pilot.
JOY: With 'SCUM' written across his chest, hell yeah Weevil.
HZ: They should have gone with 'crapface'!
JOY: Oh my gosh.
HZ: He's still got a bandage on his tattoo. Veronica turns up and says that she didn't have anything to do with putting him up there, but could be convinced to help him down.
JOY: And even with that, he's still just a total dick to her.
TAD: What do you want from me, bitch? You destroyed my life. You took away the only person that I ever loved.
VERONICA: I don’t recall forcing you to send that video.
TAD: No, she did. She left me.
VERONICA: And what good did sending it do?
TAD: Who’s gonna wanna touch her now? You know, if I can’t have her, no one can.
VERONICA: You are so lucky she has a better soul than I do, because I would have taken you down with me.
HZ: I don't like it when people in a dominant situation cast themselves as victims. So in a way, Tad is just really predicting major political players 15 years later. And it's just awful that he thinks that Carmen is a possession that he has the right to have. Veronica threatens to cut off the duct tape and show everyone his intimate parts unless he tells her who had the rohypnol at the party, and he claims he doesn't remember. Then he says it's not rohypnol, it was GHB supplied by Logan Echolls. The revelation is somewhat ruined by the very noticeable switch to ADR halfway through the line.
JOY: And then, clearly shook, Veronica moves as though she's going to cut them down but instead just rips off the covering of his tattoo, leaving him to be seen by all of the incoming students with his new tattoo that says 'Seth'.
HZ: Is it legal to put a name on a tattoo that someone hasn't consented to?
JOY: And as Veronica walks away, Tad screams, "This isn't over, Veronica Mars!" and then we all drink.
HZ: Yeah. Although I'm not sure Tad's in it again, so effectively it is over. But what's not over is the ongoing investigation into Veronica's rape and Lily's murder. And now Logan is implicated in the first thing. On his boat, he's waiting with a champagne bucket, a fruit plate, napkins. And he's clearly been waiting a long time, because he starts drinking the champagne alone.
JOY: Sloppily.
HZ: And that's the end.
JOY: Woof. Now to investigate the legality of Logan wearing cream - just all cream - and other matters we turn to our resident Southern California and law expert Lo Dodds for the LoDown.
THE LODOWN
LO DODDS: What is it called when everyone keeps saying exactly what the illegal thing that they are doing is it's like right there in front of them and they just do it anyway?
HZ: I think it's called 'bad writing'.
LO DODDS: They kept literally saying the crimes! I kept writing down stuff and being like, “Oh, she just said it.”
HZ: They preemptively LoDowned. So how much of this stuff in this episode is actually illegal? Is the Carmen video that Tad has taken legal? Because she's not actually committing sexual acts in it. So is it pornography or is it not?
LO DODDS: We don't know what she's doing. I get the impression, based on what she said, that it's even worse than them having sex, doing some sort of sexual act with the popsicle. So I'm thinking that she is performing a sexual act, and the fact that she's skinnydipping means she's naked, and yes, it's child porn. He is possessing and distributing to a lot of people child porn. And the first response in this episode is not to say, "That's child porn. My first call is going to be to the police. You must delete this and you'll get kicked out of the Naval Academy," but of course, then we wouldn't have this episode, which is why they didn't do that.
JOY: What a shame that would be.
LO DODDS: Basically, if he's convicted of child pornography, he's probably going to get charged with a felony, he's probably going to prison; he's definitely not going to be in the military, because in California you can't carry a gun and be a felon. This all could have been solved by a call to deputy Leo.
HZ: And if, by chance, Carmen is over 18, then what would his charges be?
LO DODDS: I don't know that that's a crime. Revenge porn was not a thing at the time. In California, the laws about revenge porn were passed in 2013, to protect adults from this sort of thing.
HZ: So assuming that she did commit things that were more sexual and more naked in the video, he'd be in trouble, but if she's just eating a popsicle submerged in a hot tub whilst making moaning sounds: not in trouble?
LO DODDS: Well, even in revenge porn laws, you have to be performing a sexual act, you have to show an intimate body part and for females, we've got, you know, three of them that count, I think.
JOY: Are you counting two boobs separately, or does the butt count?
HZ: Two elbows and a chin.
HZ: Veronica's counter-action against Tad of making this website and potentially an email to all these people: is that legal?
LO DODDS: Defamation isn't a crime in California. But yes, Tad could definitely sue her for libel. Especially if he does get kicked out, because there is 'don't ask, don't tell' at the time. So if he doesn't end up going to the Naval Academy, he's going to have damages for that. He's definitely gonna sue her.
HZ: And then over to our favourite dad, Keith Mars. Is it true, as Cliff says, that under California law you have to run a notice for seven days before you can file for divorce on grounds of abandonment?
LO DODDS: No.
HZ: Cliff!
LO DODDS: They're kind of mashing together some stuff to make this plot point. So California is a no fault state, you don't have to prove that your spouse abandoned you, that they caused the dissolution of marriage; if you want to get divorced, you file for divorce.
JOY: Hell yeah!
LO DODDS: We just don't care. What they're doing here though, is that if you file for divorce, you're filing a lawsuit, right? And if Lianne is gone and missing or your spouse cannot be found, you have to serve them. And if you can't find anybody that you're suing you serve them by publication, which is what that is when you're running it in the newspaper, and it takes a lot longer than seven days.
HZ: Oh really? How long?
LO DODDS: I don't know if it's different for divorce. But I think it's four weeks in a row and once per week.
HZ: So Cliff just out and out lies here?
LO DODDS: Well, I think he expressed the truth in the fictional universe of Veronica Mars.
JOY: Yes. In-universe legal rules.
HZ: Also is there a particular level of publication that it has to be, or could it be like Neptune's Lawnmower Exchange Newsletter?
LO DODDS: It has to be in a paper of general circulation. The Neptune Navigator is not going to cut it.
HZ: And I know that this story is in 2005, but even then, press circulation was diminishing. And who the hell was reading all of the small ads in the paper every day, just in case there were legal proceedings happening against them?
LO DODDS: Who is reading them now? But they still do it.
HZ: It's not a good system. It seems set up for people not to see it.
JOY: Besides Aaron Echolls.
HZ: 1We know,and maybe Keith doesn't, that Clarence Wiedman is one of the reasons why Lianne Mars has been staying away. But now he's interfering in another of Keith's romances, is it legal for him to demand that Alicia stop seeing Keith or she'll lose her job?
LO DODDS: No. Sohere's the thing. Let's say Clarence Wiedman fires her - California is at will, right, you can fire somebody for pretty much anything as long as it's not discriminatory. You're not doing it for a discriminatory purpose. But she's going to sue Kane Software. And the thing about why people sue and don't sue sometimes is because that when you sue someone, you can start asking them all kinds of questions and asking for documents. And he's going to say, "I fired her because she showed questionable judgement and her son is illegally wiretapping my office." The first question is going to be: why was he illegally wiretapping your office? Why do the Marses have this issue with you? And all of that information is going to come out.
JOY: Is it possible that Clarence Wiedman and Keith Mars were in like Junior High together and they just have some kind of weird like track and field rivalry or something that's been going on for decades and this is just how it has continued to play out in their adult lives?
LO DODDS: That would be an awesome storyline, I think.
HZ: It's like Clarence Wiedman is Professor Snape and Keith Mars is Harry Potter's dad but alive.
HZ: Well, Jenny, how was this episode for you?
JOY: Boooo!
HZ: Do you feel like they’re biding time now, as they build up to the big finale of the season with two episodes left? Because there's a lot of plot that's about to take place.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: This is not Veronica's finest hour. She's not being ingenious. She's just being really cruel. And she's treating the idea of gayness as punishment. And I'm sure that is a nightmare to some of these shit young men of Neptune; but don't play on that, be a better person. But she's not, necessarily; Veronica is a product of where she's grown up. And she's just not doing much detective stuff.
JOY: Yeah, get out the magnifying glass. I mean, we saw ole long lens for once.
HZ: Do you think Veronica's scheme to shame Tad is any better than Tad's scheme to shame Carmen?
JOY: Well, once again, I find myself in the place of like thinking about things from like, wanting to see shit people punished for doing shit things and unfortunately, it's just really not the best way to do things. But I think when you are not in the position of power and somebody is using power over you to hurt you, it's not unthinkable to want to see that person hurt in return. You know what I mean? It's not the most evolved way to look at things, but like - especially when you're - even a teen, you know, Veronica is not an adult yet. She's like, in development. So I have some amount of understanding as to where she's coming from, but that doesn't make it any better. And definitely from the vantage point of 2020, and the vantage point of being an adult myself now, it gets harder and harder to relate to this kind of behaviour, to find the space for this sort of reindeer games.
HZ: I think when Veronica Mars is particularly satisfying is when Veronica can use her underdog status, and often the underdog status of the people hiring her, to score a major win. And I feel like Carmen deserved so much better than this kind of brute force plot that Veronica hatches; and Carmen is indeed better, because she doesn't use that plot in the end and she's just going to deal with the consequences of the video being out. Probably Tad's going to carry on being shit to her as well; he's not finished with it, even though he's been humiliated too now.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: It's a sorry state of affairs, Jenny. Were there any lines that rescued this episode for you?
JOY: I delighted in Veronica's gentle roast of Logan when he tells her he's not going to Mexico and she says, "Oh, there are cheerleaders with low self esteem available domestically?"
HZ: Yeah, I think that's good. It irks me to also award best line to Veronica given her bad behaviour in this episode.
JOY: Sure. Yes, well fix it, please.
HZ: I liked it when Dick is doing his terrible Dickshit to her while she's fixing her car and she's like, "Guys, come on, you can't put your car up on blocks in the yard if you don't have a yard. You know, I think I can do both sides of this little act now." That's what I want to see. A bit of sass and a bit of upending the status quo.
JOY: Yeah, yes. Yes.
HZ: So what would you score this miserable concoction?
JOY: All things considered, I'm willing to give it like one and a half grilled cheeses prepared upon the engine block. What about you?
HZ: I'm going to score it, on the basis of Keith and Alicia being a very radiant and adorable and Mac being pretty useful but mostly doing the business off screen, I'm going to score it 1.2 bee hats.
JOY: Ugh. Okay.
HZ: And that's this episode of Veronica Mars investigated.
JOY: Case closed, thank God!
HZ: That was Season 1 episode 20: M.A.D.
JOY: Watch season 1 episode 21 and join us next time to investigate it.
HZ: Find the show on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @VMIpod.
JOY: The website, where the show is taking a secret dance class with Keith and Alicia - IN OUR DREAMS! - is vmipod.com. And I'll tell you one other thing about VMIpod.com and that is that it is also the place you can find our shiny new merch: we have a new long lens camera enamel pin. We've got a new Not Milk enamel pen and we've got a very soft new Not Milk T-shirt. You can find that at VMIpod.com.
HZ: I’m Helen Zaltzman and you can hear my other podcasts The Allusionist at theallusionist.org and Answer Me This at answermethispodcast.com.
JOY: I'm Jenny Owen Youngs and you can hear more of my speaking voice on my other podcast Buffering the Vampire Slayer and you can hear my singing voice by visiting jennyowenyoungs.com.
HZ: This episode was edited and mixed by Zach McNees.
JOY: The music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: The sheriff of this town is Hrishikesh Hirway.
JOY: The show is distributed by PRX.
HZ: Until next time, who’s your daddy?
JOY: Actually, who’s your daddy?
HZ: M.A.D.: Mutually Assured Daddy.