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VMI 3.050607 President Infidelity of Vice and Men transcript

HZ: What did you think about Loganica's couple Halloween costume, Jenny?
JOY: I didn't know what the fuck it was until I was just reading your notes, and now I see that they are the White Stripes for Halloween.
HZ: Yes. I'm not sure I would have noticed had I not been told, because I thought, "Is he doing Shaggy from Scooby Doo?"
JOY: Right. Like, what is that wig? The wig is not quite right.
HZ: The wigs are never right, Jenny.
JOY: The wigs are never right.
HZ: Even though she's got a whole wardrobe of wigs for her various sting operations. She makes more effort dressing up to do a sting than she does for this Halloween.
JOY: It's true. And has anybody told them that the whole thing with the White Stripes is, like, are they brother and sister or are they a couple?
HZ: Oh, that's some season one shit.
JOY: Exactly.
HZ: Get Duncan back in here!

transcript, Season 3VMI Pod8 December 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, Lo Dodds, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, college, Hearst College, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 3, Sheriff Lamb, Don Lamb, Michael Muhney, Professor Landry, Patrick Fabian, Tim Foyle, Lucky in a wig, James Jordan, Piz, Stosh Piznarski, Chris Lowell, Parker Lee, Julie Gonzalo, Max, Adam Rose, Harmony Chase, Laura San Giacomo, Vinnie Van Lowe, Ken Marino, Deputy Sacks, Jerry Sacks, Brandon Hillock, Coach Tom Barry, Matt McKenzie, Mercer Hayes, Ryan Devlin, Cyrus O’Dell, Ed Begley Jr, Mindy O’Dell, Jaime Ray Newman, Chastity Dotson, Nish Sweeney, Claire Nordhouse, Krista Kalmus, Moe Flater, Andrew McClain, Mason, Robert Ri'chard, Dianna Agron, Jenny Budosh, Professor David Winkler, Michael B Silver, Daran Norris, Cliff McCormack, Richard Grieco, Steven Batando, Jeff Ratner, David Magidoff, Taylor Sheridan, Danny Boyd, Fitzpatricks, Liam Fitzpatrick, Rodney Rowland, Detective Sanchez, Ruben C Gonzalez, Meryl, Amanda Walsh, Sully, Michael Grant Terry, LAPD, Harrison, Blake Shields, Danny Rossow, Ryan Pinkston, Rachel Rogers, Scarlett, Sandra McCoy, Tina Callis, Anna Campbell, mechanical engineering, Keith’s romances, The White Stripes, costumes, Halloween, the Dreaded Feminists, radio, bowling, River Styx, Chekhov’s things, casino, gambling, Loganica, Duncvonia, cheating, tests, exams, Twentynine Palms, 29 Palms, actors, short film, pranks, sabotage, cooking spray, accents, voicework, rape, robbery, theft, Lilly Kane, necklace, cocktails, fire, Mexico, bone marrow transplant, bone marrow, Porsche, cars, elaborate ruses, extortion, alibis, campus rapist, head shaving, GHB, drugs, physics, lasers, henleys, Samuel Horshack, Rafe, Hearst Prison Experiment, prison experiment, Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, The Big Lebowski, lighting, the robot, sexpeople, accidental porn dialogue, sandwich puppets, Weevil’s toolbox

VMI 3.020304 My Big Fat Wichita Linebacker Don't Surf transcript

JOY: I love that Piz's radio show, his first episode, is just like... Pretty much the only thing he says is, "Oh, they've got a good point, actually." And that's it. Who let this man? Who let this man? Trish. Trish did.
HZ: Yeah, well, because Trish was distracted by being dumped for her terrible plot. But the one good thing Piz does, I think - because he's an annoying, self-absorbed pest in this episode; having been reasonably endearing when introduced, in this he just seems entitled - in the debate, he says:

PIZ: Alright, let's flip a coin to see who goes first. And it's the head of a white slave-owning patriarchy, which means we will go with the gents.

JOY: "The head of a white slave-owning patriarch," maybe should have gone to the ladies?
HZ: Yeah. For reparations.
JOY: Mmm.

Season 3, transcriptVMI Pod24 November 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, college, Hearst College, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 3, Sheriff Lamb, Don Lamb, Michael Muhney, Piz, Stosh Piznarski, Chris Lowell, Parker Lee, Julie Gonzalo, Mac, Cindy Mackenzie, Tina Majorino, Dick Casablancas, Ryan Hansen, Chastity Dotson, Nish Sweeney, Chip Diller, David Tom, Tanya Chisholm, Nancy Cooper, Fern Delgado, Cher Ferreyra, Mercer Hayes, Ryan Devlin, Cyrus O’Dell, Ed Begley Jr, Claire Nordhouse, Krista Kalmus, Moe Flater, Andrew McClain, Cormac Fitzpatrick, Jason Beghe, Liam Fitzpatrick, Rodney Rowland, Fitzpatricks, Dan Castellaneta, Ryder Strong, Rafe, Armie Hammer, Laura San Giacomo, Harmony Chase, Matt Czuchry, Ryan Eggold, Charlie Stone, Norman Phipps, Trish, Lindsey McKeon, Sam Horrigan, Brian Pop Popovich, Rachelle Lefevre, Marjorie, Keri Lynn Pratt, Hallie Piatt, Robyn Richards, Shania, Samm Levine, Samuel Horshack, Karen, Mary Chris Wall, Kendall Casablancas, secret siblings, ethics, experiments, psychology, Stanford Prison Experiment, sportsball, playbook, popcorn, library, Loganica, theft, feminists, Lampoon, Vanity Fair, journalists, paparazzi, surfing, poker, gambling, Wishbone, sororities, fraternities, weed, drugs, Gone With the Wind, Scarlett O’Hara, Fluevogs, Pi Sigs, Theta Betas, Lilith House, a capella, singing, Lance Armstrong, drunk, fake drunk, Chippendales, Shelly Pomroy’s party, rat traps, Edgar Allen Poe, radio, Hearst Lampoon, student newspaper, newspaper, paper, desert, animal traps, traps, Vinnie Van Lowe, bugged pens, paintings, art, Vincent Van Gogh, Two Lovers, Keith’s romances, ties, surveillance, trackers, tracking, Nineteen Eighty-Four, George Orwell, finances, Aaron’s Kids, Aaron’s Kidz, money, Gilmore Girls, Logan Huntzberger, shield law, carwash, journalism, streaking

VMI 2.14 Versatile Toppings transcript

JOY: When Lamb is clearly going to be difficult, and Keith hands him the CD to essentially blackmail him, Lamb crosses his fingers and says, "I really hope it's the new Big & Rich." Helen, do you know, are you familiar with the musical artists Big & Rich?
HZ: I'm not, Jenny. Should I?
JOY: Well, they are, I think, best-known for their country smashola ‘Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy’.
HZ: That doesn't work.
JOY: That's about sex. ‘Have sex with a cowboy.’
HZ: "Don't fuck a horse," OK, what a message.
JOY: Listen! You have to hold two layers in your mind at the same time. "Don't ride a horse regular. Instead, fuck a cowboy."
HZ: "Take a cowboy to the races, and see if they can handle the jumps"?
JOY: Just make sure you only have one headphone in at any time.
HZ: I just don't think this analogy works, Jenny.
JOY: Helen, I feel like you're missing the spirit of modern American country music.

transcript, Season 2VMI Pod21 July 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 2, Hannah Griffith, Jessy Schram, Terrence Cook, Jeffrey Sams, Tom Griffith, Rick Peters, Tessa Thompson, Jackie Cook, Dick Casablancas, Ryan Hansen, Kristin Cavallari, Kylie, Lucas Grabeel, Kelly Kuzzio, Carmen Ruiz, Natalia Baron, Tina Majorino, Mac, Cindy Mackenzie, Corny, Jonathan Chesner, Sheriff Lamb, Don Lamb, Michael Muhney, Madison Sinclair, Amanda Noret, Ryan, Bradford William Anderson, Marlena, Arturo, Leonard Lobo, Gil Birmingham, Deputy Sacks, Brandon Hillock, extortion, gambling, debt, bus crash, Felix’s murder, Fitzpatricks, Felix Toombs, LGBTQ+, pizza, taser, muggings, blackmail, gay, lesbian, LGBTQIA, queer, outing, coming out, outed, rims, cars, explosives, helicopter, Woody Goodman, Laguna Beach, casino, websites, messageboards, forums, pirate shit, Cho’s Pizza, za, chatrooms, Pirate SHIP, secrets, printouts, strawberry soda, The Human Centipede, phone, caller ID, Starsailor, Bentley, Flintstones car, Big & Rich, alibis

VMI 2.13 Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough transcript

HZ: Jackie's shivering. It's so cold, this is so wrong. And then fucking Madison is there missing the balls, so she just goes over to the lever and she's like, "I told you to stay home," and dunks Jackie with the lever, which is so horrible. And the teacher who wouldn't let Wallace misthrow balls is just like, "Yeah, whatever, sure." And Veronica has a face of concern. But does she do anything? No.
JOY: You know, Helen, in my elementary school, we had a summer festival thing where our principal was in the dunk tank, and I, some way or another, won the privilege of being the first person to get to throw balls to try to dunk my principal, and I missed all three times. And then I did what Madison did, but in a fun way. But watching Madison do this really made me call into question my fifth grade mentality.
HZ: Isn't the point there that the hierarchy is temporarily suspended or subverted?
JOY: Yes.
HZ: Whereas this, it's someone in a superior position in pretty much every way in society being a real shit to someone else.
JOY: Thank you for making me feel better, Helen.
HZ: Yeah.
JOY: About me, not about this episode.

Season 2, transcriptVMI Pod15 July 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 2, bus crash, Tessa Thompson, Jackie Cook, Terrence Cook, Jeffrey Sams, Detective Weevil, Detective Logan, Felix’s murder, Felix Toombs, PCHers, Thumper, James Molina, Hector, Patrick Wolff, Jane, Valorie Curry, Miss Dumas, Hannah Griffith, Jessy Schram, Tom Griffith, Rick Peters, Cora, Dana Davis, Ms Hauser, Kari Coleman, JB, Cassidy Casablancas, Kyle Gallner, Dick Casablancas, Ryan Hansen, Tina Majorino, Mac, Cindy Mackenzie, Corny, Jonathan Chesner, Madison Sinclair, Amanda Noret, Van Clemmons, Duane Daniels, Principal Clemmons, baseball, sportsball, sports, match throwing, gambling, debt, incorporation, carnival, winter carnival, money, theft, sports fans, ejoke-ulate, glitter, Tritons, Kane Scholarship, Magic Mountain, Six Flags, Chekhov’s things, Chekhov’s glitter, hair, haircuts, Ophelia, Weevil’s niece, Thora Birch, Ghost World, cash, banknotes, ball pit, cash box, dunk tank, dude, fluffy snake, video, streakers, slushies, sex workers, flagpole, denouement, shoes, pranks, Sally, cars, Chevy, Impala

VMI 2-05 Blast from the Past transcript

JOY: I just googled ‘Celebrity Boners and Gaffes’ -
HZ: No, no — no Jenny! Delete all the cookies!
JOY:There is a seemingly endless list of articles from mostly BuzzFeed, In Touch, some other websites and news outlets. Here are some sample article titles: "Celebrities who've had erections during sex scenes". "31 celebrity bulges that went hard in 2015". "The 21 most important celebrity bulges of all time". "Boner alert! Nine celebrities who have had boners in public". "Boner alert! Make America bulge again".
HZ: Argh.
JOY: "13 celebrity dudes who aren't afraid to show off their goods". I've googled it, so you don't have to.
HZ: Thanks, Jenny.
JOY: Ugh. You're welcome.
HZ: How do you know I hadn't already? (I hadn't.) So no gaffes, just boners?
JOY: No gaffes, just boners.
HZ: Gaffes are less popular than boners, I guess.

Season 2, transcriptVMI Pod21 April 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Mars Investigations, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 2, bus crash, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Tessa Thompson, Jackie Cook, Manning parents, Mannings, Mac, Mac Mackenzie, Tina Majorino, Alicia Fennel, Erica Gimpel, Nathan Woods, Cress Williams, Sheriff Lamb, Don Lamb, Michael Muhney, Terrence Cook, Jeffrey Sams, Cora, Dana Davis, Christine Estabrook, psychic, Madame Sophie, Mr Wu, Mrs Murphy, Corny, Mandy, sheriff race, Wallace’s dad, Fennel family, Hank Fennel, grief, TV psychic, fraud, fake psychic, pranks, punking, dances, dance, dancing, Homecoming, The Faders, narcotics, Keithlicia, secrets, lies, deceit, Mamma-max, Mammamax, betrayal, sabotage, shaming, embarrassment, bugs, literal bugs, surveillance, gambling, betting, baseball, match fixing, sports, Duncvonica, toilet office, Tricky Wicks, unicorns, Black Eyed Peas, Elephunk, jackets, chicken suit, Cupid, Sunset and Vaughn, Celebrity Boners and Gaffes, boners, lighting, red lights, Zippy the Pinhead, Yankees, Pete Rose, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Hall of Fame

VMI 1.16 Betty and Veronica transcript

HZ: In Wallace's locker, there's a gift - an offering!

JOY: A spirit box! Do you guys have spirit boxes in the UK?

HZ: Of course not, sports players are privileged enough.

JOY: Do you guys have spirit of any kind in the UK?

HZ: We have spirits, as in the booze kind.

JOY: Ah yes, now that's a box I'd like to receive in my locker.

HZ: It’d probably get you into trouble, Jenny. This box is is green with yellow frills and it's got a big green frog in it and “Go Wallace, we love you, you rock” somewhere involved. And in it there's a load of snickerdoodles. Which is not a cookie we have in Britain either. Is it worth bothering with?

JOY: I mean, I love a snickerdoodle - I'm an equal opportunity employer of cookies.

HZ: That's very thoughtful.

Season 1, transcriptVMI Pod9 December 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Neptune High, Leo D’Amato, Deputy Leo, Max Greenfield, Meg Manning, Alona Tal, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Jake Kane, Kyle Secor, Celeste Kane, Lisa Thornhill, Lianne Mars, Corinne Bohrer, Clarence Wiedman, Christopher B Duncan, parrots, mascots, goats, animals, theft, Pan High, sports, basketball, betting, bets, bookies, cookies, pep, snickerdoodles, rehab, Riverdale, Vice Principal Clemmons, Skee-Lo, I Wish, Sally Field, gambling, jocks, pranks, meat, rest stop 15, Editor Duncan, making love, Jack, goat in a van, van, Amelia DeLongpre