VMI 1.03: Meet John Smith transcript
Hear this episode at VMIpod.com/1-03
Doesn’t take a super smart teen detective to deduce that there will be spoilers for this episode of Veronica Mars, but there will not be spoilers for subsequent episodes of Veronica Mars.
A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
JOY: A squeaky little freshman hired Veronica to help find his missing father - who, it turned out, is a trans woman;
HZ: Duncan threw his medication down the plughole, with hallucinatory results;
JOY: ‘Plughole’? Keith developed a crush on Veronica’s guidance counselor;
HZ: Wallace once again endangered himself to steal some student files;
JOY: And Veronica spent the episode hung up on Duncan, which prevented her from being fully available to Troy in spite of his many alleged charms;
HZ: Oh, and she drove to her mom’s last known address, but Lianne was already gone.
JOY: Ending a hot date with a handshake, I’m Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: And wrecking a very bleak dinner with my parents, I’m Helen Zaltzman.
You’re listening to Veronica Mars Investigations Season 1, episode 3: Meet John Smith.
JOY: Mmm. You know what I really miss about high school? Ranking women on a scale of one to 10.
HZ: Do you get extra credit for that?
JOY: I never did. Wait I but I never did it. I never ranked women. Oh god - goodbye.
HZ: Well, you know how Neptune water is laced with toxic masculinity.
JOY: It truly is.
HZ: We open on a scene of young dweeb boys.
JOY: Honestly! Who gave them the right!? I'm sorry for screaming.
HZ: That's all right, it is outrageous. They're at the school lunch tables, calling each other gay, discussing the hotness of passing girls, including Veronica Mars, and they argue as to whether she's an eight and a half or nine. What do you reckon, Jenny? Eight and a half or nine?
JOY: Veronica Mars is obviously an eleven in any reality, except for her potentially self-destructive tendency to chase down leads whatever the cost - that might, you know, be a red flag; but if we're just saying like, "Hey look, it's a pretty girl."
HZ: It's a pretty girl with tiny sleeves.
JOY: Teeny tiny sleeves, teeny tiny jackets,
HZ: Symbolic sleeves. And also your favourite guy Troy is having a flirt with Veronica! Things are really hotting up with that bland hunk.
TROY: “I will be cruising the marina in my dad's Sabre 386. That's a luxury sailboat. You know, wind through my hair, Strokes blasting through the speakers, and, with any luck, a wide-eyed, impressionable vixen by my side.”
JOY: It would really take a Troy to go sailing and listen to the Strokes. There's something particularly offensive about this guy going sailing and listening to a band that I love; it really bums me out.
HZ: If Troy invited you on a boat, to listen to the Strokes - the Strokes were playing live on the boat, but you would have to spend the day with Troy on a boat and you couldn't leave, would you go, or would you not go, given your feelings of Troy?
JOY: Yeah, I'd go, that sounds survivable.
HZ: But a passing youth knocks Veronica's books out of her arms and who helps her pick them up? It's Duncan Kane, silent silent Duncan Kane.
JOY: Or just like a sort of like general man-shaped blob, to which we assigned Duncan's name and ‘personality’, in quotes.
HZ: I'll correct myself. A passing youth knocks Veronica's books out of her arms, the air resolves into a kind of humanoid shape that silently raises the book aloft and passes them to Veronica.
JOY: “The air resolves.”
HZ: And then we stick with Duncan because we're all for a little float around in the Kane swimming pool.
JOY: Even Duncan's swim trunks are blue. Did you notice?
HZ: As is his mood. although he's listening to mediocre soft rock and not the blues, but then he's interrupted by Jake Kane, that perpetual buzzkill!
JOY: Yeah, “Oh, your potential this, your potential that.”
HZ: “Oh, internship in DC, you should apply for it.” And Duncan takes the mature route and blocks out his dad by putting his earbuds back in.
JOY: Yeah, he's got a real - you know that meme where little 8-bit sunglasses fall out of the sky land on the face of the object of the meme and then it says “deal with it”?
HZ: I don't, but you're painting a very vivid picture for me.
JOY: This is a real "deal with it" moment.
HZ: A “Duncan deals with it” moment.
HZ: And then we're at the Mars house - it's a very different parent-child relationship with the Marses, Keith and Veronica are eating dinner. But it's a bit tense between them. Veronica asks what her mother Lianne Mars was doing at the Camelot motel with Jake Kane two weeks ago. And why, why oh why, has Keith Mars not searched for her? Really shitting in the mood.
JOY: Oh my god. Do you know what I wish would happen? That every time Veronica asks a leading question about her her disappeared mother and Keith is forced to look at her and answer it, that like a sweet, smoky saxophone would just like bubble up in the score out of nowhere and just be like, “Bwa bwa bwaaa”, you know what I mean?
HZ: And he goes, "Leave it alone, kid."
JOY: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, just like really lean into that sort of like, I want to say regional accent but I guess it's more life's calling accent, detective accent
HZ: “Stay out of it, Slim.” But even though this is a tense family dinner, we're going to a worse one because we return to the Kane house. It's one of those dinner situations where there's a long dining table with a parent at each end, and far away from both of them, there is bored Duncan in the middle. It's a bit like the Gilmore Girls’ awkward Friday night dinners. And why would you set up your eating situation like this?
JOY: Because you are rich?
HZ: And what can't money buy? The ability to make a meal not miserable.
JOY: Do you think that a rich, emotionally unavailable parents in TV shows do this on purpose? Or do you think it's accidental? They just like don't have the emotional intelligence to know that this is a weird way to eat dinner with your kid?
HZ: Well, obviously, they're aware that it looks good on camera.
JOY: True! True, they might just have it set up from when, like, Houses of the Extremely Wealthy Billionaires Magazine did a shoot there like the previous month.
HZ: And they were like, "We want all faces visible; also a strong, symmetrical layout to this shot. Can you get in several flower arrangements on one table, please".
JOY: There's a lot. Do you think they have somebody coming to do flower arrangements daily? I guess when you're a billionaire, that's what you do, or can do.
HZ: But the flowers are also very tightly controlled. Like everything Celeste touches. And then we're back at the Mars House again; they clean up, Veronica goes to the library. There's a lot of scenes. We haven't even got to the credits yet, because then we're back to the Kane house. Duncan's gone to Shelly's, a maid clears the dishes. And then there's…whoof!
JOY: Whoof! Yeah, you know, how? I don't know how you feel. But this is great. Everybody's doing great in this scene.
HZ: It's a flashback of happier times for Duncan and Veronica getting hot and heavy in a car.
JOY: But it kind of feels for a second like it's happening in the now, because he's like “I'm going to Shelly's,” and we know that his parents don't like Veronica. And there's not like a super hardcore indication. And is it a flashback, or is it a dream? Because I feel like it's followed by her waking up.
HZ: Yes. Veronica is woken from this hot dream by her alarm.
JOY: Curse the alarm
HZ: Theme tune!
JOY: Yeah, we get a nice bucket of ice water dumped over our heads so we can get our shit together after that scene.
HZ: And then from hot and steamy to not hot and steamy: we are in a video store. And one of the dweeb woman-rating boys from the opening scene is at the till. It's his job. He's not just lurking around the till, he's controlling the till.
JOY: Yes. And the place that Justin is working is a video rental store. And for our younger listeners: this is like IRL Netflix.
HZ: Imagine every Netflix show was turned into a black cuboid and put in a room. And instead of your watch list, you just went and walked past all these black cubes and then selected one. And then you could take it home in return for money, for like 48 hours.
JOY: And you had to watch the thing you picked, instead of, for example, flipping through ‘recommended for you’s on Netflix for the duration of an amount of time in which you could have watched an entire movie. Doesn't that sound wild?
HZ: What fun! Probably going to come back in, like vinyl shops. Veronica and Keith are at the store renting something having a little bicker about it in that cute Marsy way. And Justin the dweeb asks Veronica for her help with something private.
JOY: She says, “Find me at school tomorrow.” We know he's going to end up in her office.
HZ: In the toilet office.
JOY: Also in the video store, we see a parent-aged woman named Julia.
HZ: With lovely hair.
JOY: Talking to Justin in a way it's clear that they have like an ongoing sort of like rental store employee/rental store customer rapport.
HZ: In her life, the ‘Netflix recommended for you list’ is provided by Justin.
JOY: I love this translation.
HZ: One recommendation at a time. What he suggesting that she rents this time - is it Body Heat?
JOY: Yes, he recommends Body Heat.
HZ: I have seen Body Heat. Can't remember whether I would recommend it.
JOY: I don't even know. I didn't even know there was a movie called Body Heat until right now
HZ: I believe it's a kind of sexy thriller with Kathleen Turner and William Hurt.
JOY: I love being sexy thrilled.
HZ: Oh, I just searched for on Wikipedia and it came up with the page for thermoregulation.
JOY: You know what I don't enjoy a great deal?
HZ: Thermoregulation?
JOY: No, no, I like thermoregulation. Think milkier.
HZ: You don't enjoy cows in 80s sexy thrillers?
JOY: No, no, I love sexy 80s thrillers' cows.
HZ: But not milk.
JOY: Not milk, especially.
HZ: So your slogan for the ad campaign wouldn't be ‘Got milk’, it would be ‘Not milk’. And you'd have no milk on your face.
JOY: My personal motto is ‘Not milk’. Duncan Kane, though, he's not with you on that. What a horrifying display!
HZ: And then it's the Kane kitchen again and Duncan is drinking from a big bottle of milk. This show is just setting up Duncan to be the most erratic character ever on TV.
JOY: I can't.
HZ: We should have put a content warning at the beginning that there is a scene where Duncan Kane is drinking straight from a large bottle of milk. And it's interesting that the rich boys in this series, they could have anything in the world -
JOY: - but what they want is milk straight out of the jug.
HZ: And Celeste Kane bosses Duncan around about his antidepressants, whilst providing quite a lot of exposition about Duncan and his antidepressants.
JOY: He's been taking them for six months.
HZ: Or has he?
JOY: Or has he, right? Because we see him do this move - and what is this move? Okay, he's not taking his meds, right. But he's not just seamlessly ‘nothing but net’ style dropping them into the huge drain at the bottom of the sink, he's letting it bounce around. He's doing something that he doesn't want his mom to know that he's doing, but he's doing it in the loudest way that you could possibly put a pill down the drain.
HZ: Wouldn't it be better to put the pills in the trash rather than add them to the water supply?
JOY: Oh my god. That's a really good point.
HZ: It really disturbs me when people on screen dispose of things by flushing them down the toilet when it's something that's going to block the drain. Or throwing them down the sink. What a waste. What a polluting waste, DUNCAN.
JOY: Oh. My God. Just another thing not to like about Duncan.
HZ: We've seen Duncan in three episodes now, and you get three different Duncans, effectively; the writers are just the treating Duncan as pliable piece of man clay.
JOY: Oh true. In the first episode, he's just like a memory.
HZ: He's handsome ex Duncan. Last episode he’s sort of like kinder-than-the-other-bros bro. That, and excited about a burrito. This episode he is erratic, sometimes flamboyant Duncan, dealing with mental health stuff and the grimmest parents on screen.
JOY: So grim.
HZ: Then we're at school and Logan is there wearing a mud brown shirt over a grey sleeved T-shirt. No flamboyant orange for him today.
JOY: And brown pants. But Veronica, on the other hand, is wearing a pink and white open button-down over a green tank top, kind of a reprise of her watermelon look from the last episode. And a tan skirt, and a HUGE messenger bag - and a very wide leather cuff, it was like the width of two normal leather cuffs.
HZ: Well, she is quite a dainty person, Kristen Bell. The costume designer did have to dress a deliberately childishly because she was 23 when they were filming, and they needed her to look like a teenager. Hence maybe the pink and the green? But Veronica is looking wistful in the school hallway, until Troy bumps into her and she agrees to go out with him. At last! After all the sizzling chemistry between these two for a whole episode and a half.
JOY: His whole vibe of like everything is just like “Finally!” Troy's whole attitude about her like suggesting that they go out or like giving in to his... advances is just like a little like... ugh.
HZ: Persistence? What's the thing that's less strong than ‘advances’? Insinuations?
JOY: Insinuations, yeah, sure. Sure.
HZ: He's been putting on some apparent nice guy moves. He did help her with that tire. And this isn't going unnoticed, though, because Logan is chatting with Duncan and asking him about dating Shelly and remarks on how Troy seems to be into Veronica and refers to her as Duncan's ‘trailer park ex’.
JOY: Unbelievable.
LOGAN: “Hey, have you noticed that the new kid in town has been all over your trailer-park ex?"
HZ: Logan is one of those people that is at the top of the pile in every way and yet always has to punch down.
JOY: Well, except in the wardrobe way.
HZ: He just takes whatever clothes are at the top of the pile of the clothes that have been fished out of a dirty river.
JOY: Yeah, he is pretty consistently punching down. I wonder what could be at the root of that? Hmm.
HZ: Like us, Duncan has an extremely negative reaction to this. He looks very queasy, runs away - in the toilet, which luckily has not been commandeered by Veronica for work purposes, he's able to splash water over his face and then just stare at his handsome self in the mirror. “Am I a real boy?”
JOY: He does manage to have a disgusting exchange, or participate in a disgusting exchange, with Logan before he runs into the bathroom, in which they agree that they hate it when women talk while they're trying to make out with them.
LOGAN: “Hey, did you hook up with Shelly last night?”
DUNCAN: “Uh, she's a talker. She's a talker, you know? Turns out she has conflicted feelings towards her new step-mom and the colour scheme the woman's chosen for the family rec room -”
LOGAN: “I hate it when they talk.”
DUNCAN: “Yeah, I know it.”
HZ: Wow. I don't know how much memory or experience you had of teenage braggadocio around sexual matters. But it does seem like the kind of awful things that people might have said to each other when I was growing up, just to kind of prove that, "Yeah, yeah, I'm one of the sex people. Treat them mean!"
JOY: Absolutely. I mean, yeah, this does not feel out of place. Literally everyone is a terrible asshole when they're in High School. That's just the way it is.
HZ: Duncan's recovered and he's out the toilet, because then Veronica take the opportunity to drag Justin into the toilet and Logan commentates:
LOGAN: “That girl is seriously wack.”
HZ: Why do you care? Logan? Why do you care?
JOY: What a great question. Why does he care?
HZ: Well, it's confusing to me as well, because the way the show has portrayed Logan and Veronica's acquaintance is that they are almost strangers with passing knowledge of each other's superficial information. And yet you see from the flashbacks that Logan was dating Lilly, and Veronica was dating Duncan, his best friend, and therefore they would have spent a lot of time together, and they ran in the same friendship group for quite a while. And yet in the show, it's like they don't really know each other at all.
JOY: It is really strange.
HZ: But now we find out why Justin has been pursuing Veronica.
JOY: He's looking for his father, his father who ran out 10 years ago. He doesn't have a picture or an address or a social security number or a date of birth. And his father has the unfortunate name - for Veronica's purposes - of John Smith.
HZ: Classic. And then we're in the guidance counsellor's office - guidance counsellor is a new character, isn't she?
JOY: Yes, we've just met her.
HZ: And she seems alright. She's talking with Keith Mars, and she tells him that Veronica's been falling asleep in class. (Although still high functioning, as we saw in the first episode, falls asleep, can still recite a Pope poem.) And she's been acting up.
JOY: It's really interesting, because when Keith comes in, he's like, “Uh-oh, is there a problem?” The counsellor is like:
REBECCA: “Oh, I don't want you to worry. Veronica's an excellent student. I think she's amazing. She's got a great mind.”
KEITH: “So why, exactly, am I here?”
REBECCA: “Ah…well, we've noticed a dramatic change in her over the last year. She's, um, she's late…a lot, she has attitude with certain teachers, she falls asleep in class, and socially, she seems to be a bit isolated.”
JOY: This is like an interesting little set-up and knockdown, immediately out of the box.
HZ: I thought they fixed Veronica last episode by dumping her in the school paper class.
JOY: Yeah, well, at least she didn't say she was passionless.
HZ: Why? Why would the counsellor be telling Keith this instead of Veronica? Has it escalated to the point where you'd have to bring your dad into the school?
JOY: Well, I think the purpose of her bringing Keith in an intervention-angled way is that she knows that Veronica's mom is out of the picture for the time being, and she's like, “I know that single fathers aren't always equipped to have conversations with their daughters about like emotional stuff or certain topics.” So she's offering to intervene, to like make Keith's life easier and hopefully make Veronica's life better. But Keith is like, “You don't understand. I'm her daddy.”
KEITH: “Where are you going with all this?”
REBECCA: “Look, if you find this difficult, and many single fathers of daughters do, I would be more than happy to talk to her.”
KEITH: “No, no. I can handle it, thank you for the heads up.”
HZ: Who's her daddy?
JOY: “Me! Keith Mars!” He's not receptive to this idea at all in this meeting,
HZ: You know who needs a guidance counsellor? The whole Kane family,
JOY: My god, someone intervene!
HZ: Another bleak dinner. Can you imagine just your day culminating every night in a gloomy room that has lots of lights on but it's still just like a tomb? And then you have this incredibly miserable time and your mom is now suggesting that you get a life coach? I feel like Celeste Kane has... She's just sort of like looking at a doll and trying to work out how to make the doll come to life, but she doesn't really know what life is.
JOY: True. And then Jake Kane derisively chimes in and says:
JAKE: “A life coach?”
CELESTE: “Didn't we just have a discussion about our son's lack of focus?”
JAKE: “Oh no, you're right! Let's get him an astrologist, too. Maybe a past life consultant.”
JOY: How dare you, Jake Kane, astrology is beautiful and go to hell, sir.
HZ: Duncan interrupts! He doesn't chuck any of the flowers to the ground, which I thought he might, given that there are so many. And he proposes glibly:
DUNCAN: “To Molly.”
JAKE: “Molly? Who's Molly?”
CELESTE: “Our old dog, the lab.”
DUNCAN: “Yes, sweet old Molly, God rest her soul, but boy could that dog catch a Frisbee. Huh! If only she had the good sense not to whiz on our flower beds, she'd still be with us.”
HZ: That's the Celeste Kane way. "Duncan's not really working out. Maybe we should re-home him - he's drinking milk straight from the bottle".
JOY: This is a sad tale, but also Duncan, the drama!
HZ: I'm enjoying drama Duncan.
JOY:I guess it's better than nothing-at-all Duncan.
HZ: He's kind of sassy. And then we're at school again and we're back with the dweebs. Justin The Dweeb is boasting to his dweeb friend that now he's hanging out with Veronica Mars. And he's intimating that the case of the missing dad is just a trick to get time with Veronica Mars, because what else could make her fall in love with him? Just exposure to his person.
JOY: And charms.
HZ: Yep. He's grown up in an unhealthy environment for human relationships. There are so few healthy interactions on display in this show. How's he supposed to learn?
JOY: Meanwhile, Veronica is getting Justin his theoretical money's worth by setting up this sort of fake scholarship mail sting - which is a great plan.
HZ: She's found 400 or more John Smiths in the phone book. And so she's sending letters to all of them saying, "Your son's got a scholarship, get in touch". It seems like a tenuous scheme.
JOY: It's like if somebody ran out on their kid 10 years ago and they've had no contact, one might assume that they wouldn't respond to something like this, that they'd be less inclined to get involved in any way.
HZ: Selfless best friend Wallace Fennel is helping her with this task. Because he's too nice for his own good. And he’s just a boy who can’t say no.
JOY: But also when Keith asks what's in it for Wallace, Wallace starts to say that Veronica promised him the answer key to something, is Veronica helping him cheat on a test?
KEITH: “So how did she rope you into this?”
WALLACE: “She promised me all the answer keys to- She's promised to be my friend.”
KEITH: “I'd have held out for a better offer.”
JOY: That doesn't seem very protaganistic.
HZ: I feel like Wallace's toy plane is sitting just unloved on a shelf going, "What did I do? A long time ago, we used to be friends..."
JOY: Little diesel fuel tears coming out of its plane eyeballs.
HZ: Wallace knows the situation he's getting into, because when Veronica says “Can you do me a favour?” Wallace says:
WALLACE: “Why did all the hair on the back of my neck all stick up?”
JOY: Honestly, there's got to be like a German word for when Veronica Mars asks you for a favour. Right?
HZ: And you don't want to do it, but you know you're going to.
JOY: Yeah, exactly.
HZ: Veronica wants Wallace to get her school record to find out what the counsellor has been telling Keith.
JOY: Oh my God. She's not gonna stop until Wallace is fired, expelled, banned, persona non grata.
HZ: I feel like he's already paid back with favour of cutting him down from the flagpole, with interest.
JOY: Truly that favour has been long repaid.
HZ: Keith also says a wonderful line in this episode:
KEITH: “Part of me is proud…and let's just leave it at that.”
HZ: And then back to the Kane House of misery. In the kitchen. No milk this time, thank goodness. And Celeste is bossing around Duncan again. Then she goes off to boss the servant around instead; Duncan throws another pill down the plughole; another fish is going to end up with that pill in his bloodstream.
JOY: Um. Just for our American listeners…?
HZ: Sorry, do you not have plugholes in America? It's that hole in the sink, where the water and crap flows.
JOY: That's the drain here.
HZ: Drains are bigger things to us.
JOY: Well, I just think ‘plughole’ really has a particular sound to it.
HZ: Are you finding it a little bit too orificey?
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: I'm so sorry to put you through that.
JOY: No, no, no.
HZ: Back to the school. Oh, Veronica. And Wallace is teasing Veronica.
JOY: Because he found in her student file but she wrote her teacher a poem in like second grade?
HZ: What a suck-up.
JOY: But speaking of sucking up - oh my God, Justin burned her a CD, “including the new 311”, so that she could like listen to it on a stakeout and like think about him. I hate this.
HZ: Also, if she's staking someone out, she probably needs to be silent.
JOY: The only sound will be the click-clacking of her shutter opening and closing.
HZ: And so Veronica enlists another favour from Wallace to get Justin's file. But she's then taking the night off, because now she's in a restaurant with Troy on a date. Veronica Mars is back in the game after the Duncan heartbreak of a year before.
JOY: This prank that he's detailing...
HZ: He's bragging about a funny that he did once, and she's loving it.
TROY: “The plan was to cut off the dorsal fin, nail it to a board, strap the board to my back and have me swim around the public beach. And Duncan's gonna stand on the shore and videotape the mob scene. But it never happens. I'm swimming out there for, like, fifteen minutes. No one even notices.”
VERONICA: “You guys were idiots.”
TROY: “Yes. Yes, we were. Finally, lifeguard, he spots me. The clod pulls out a rifle. Okay, lucky for me Duncan spots him. He goes sprinting towards the lifeguard tower. He was bawling his eyes out, I might add. So, h-he's running, he's shouting, he's saying "No, no-no, don't shoot, that's my friend, that's my friend." Saved my life.”
HZ: But Veronica and Troy are having a good old flirt.
JOY: Having a good old flirt. Troy tries to Fonzie the table jukebox. And is like, “I'm tired of this song,” and then he smacks it, and nothing happens, which I appreciate. And then he says:
TROY: “I would have expected sex had that worked.”
JOY: Which I did not appreciate.
HZ: No, it's not really displaying any merit.
JOY: But Veronica is just into it.
HZ: Do you think her standards are just rock bottom because all of the other guys in this town seem to be jerks? Apart from Wallace, who's just so firmly friendzoned.
JOY: I mean, I guess on paper, this boy's theoretically attractive.
HZ: I get that he doesn't do it for you. Can you get that in a different era, a sort of generic kid played by an Ashmore twin would be chosen by Veronica Mars?
JOY: Yes. I'm sorry, maybe I'm not giving Troy enough credit. It's just been so long since I had a crush on a boy in high school. Know what I mean?
HZ: And he might be the kind of guy where later she looks on and goes, "Well, at the time, it seemed like a good idea". But they're going for a romantic stroll along the harbour. And Troy does something with Veronica's phone. I can't believe Veronica would let another person touch her phone.
JOY: That does seem out of character.
HZ: And also, who knows what other secrets are in it? But he says:
TROY: “It is now booty call-enabled.”
HZ: He's really trying isn't he?
JOY: Yeah, he's going for it.
HZ: Yeah, he goes in for kiss. And awkward. No, she...
JOY: She recoils.
HZ: Yeah, handshake, that is a bad end to a successful-otherwise date. And then he does a goodnight bow to try and salvage this.
JOY: I like the goodnight bow, the goodnight bow is my favourite thing he's done up to this point.
TROY: “And a good night to you, madam.”
HZ: It's sad that we can, at this point, feel grateful that Troy is not sexually coercive. But that is how low standards are.
JOY: True. And then he leaves and Veronica stares after him.
HZ: Veronica seems crushed by her own inability to go ahead with the kiss - because she seemed pretty into Troy, and the date was going great. But I guess her most recently documented sexual experiences were not happy ones. She goes home; Keith says, “How was your date?”
JOY: Ah, oh my god. Imagine looking your dad in the eye and saying:
VERONICA: “Oh, you know, lousy conversation, but the sex was fantastic.”
HZ: I just... physically it couldn't happen. I couldn't quip my dad like that.
JOY: Yeah, Yeah, me neither.
HZ: He loves jokes. But that joke would die on its arse.
JOY: Yeah, yeah, just further confirmation that neither of our dads - or daddies - is Keith Mars.
HZ: Veronica goes to her room and just wonders what the hell is wrong with her.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: “Brain? Check. Dead sexy? Check. Devilish charm? Check. Formidable Scrabble opponent? Who cares? What's wrong with you, Veronica? What are you waiting for?”
HZ: Meanwhile...
JOY: Across town...
HZ: Nothing wrong with her in this flashback slash dream where she's making out with Duncan in the car.
JOY: No, no, she's not making out with Duncan. That's Duncan making out with Shelly. Whoa. And he calls her ‘Veronica’. Duncan!
HZ: Whoops, what an error of judgement. Though Shelly is displeased to be called Veronica, Duncan just laughs.
JOY: Imagine doing that and then just laughing!
HZ: I guess he really doesn't care about offending Shelly. But also Duncan, in this episode, has a pretty erratic sense of humour.
JOY: That's true. Yeah, he's definitely feeling it. Okay, so Wallace, doing the dirty work, delivers Justin's student file, which reveals to Veronica that Justin's father is allegedly dead.
HZ: Oh, this case is a trick! Veronica is furious.
JOY: She's pissed. And she's all like, “Hey, you wasted my time.” But isn't she getting paid regardless?
HZ: She’d better get paid for her time, and for all that postage, but wait - with incredible timing, someone comes up to Justin at the school with a letter. The letter's not even getting delivered to Justin's home; someone has come and found this school kid handed him a letter from his father, John Smith number 398 or whatever.
JOY: Yeah, what are the odds that this would happen at exactly this moment?
HZ: They seem slim to me, because what is the address that Veronica put on the letter, like ‘School lunch tables’?
JOY: Haha. True.
HZ: Then Justin goes to Veronica's house to say that he's sorry. He showed his mother the letter and she was angry and told him not to find his father. So both Veronica and Justin do have this thing in common, that their parent doesn't want them to find their missing parent.
JOY: Yeah, in fact, Justin's mom says Justin's was better off thinking his father was dead. Harsh, harsh words.
HZ: They've deduced that the relevant John Smith is in San Diego from the postmark. Kids. You'll never understand; it's all right. It's fine. It was like an IP address, but on paper.
JOY: Yes, yes. Yes.
HZ: And there were three John Smiths in San Diego. The spectre of Veronica's missing mother is also in this scene, and she says to Keith Mars:
VERONICA: “The hero is the one that stays; the villain is the one that splits.”
JOY: Harsh, so harsh.
HZ: But Veronica has secretly figured out where Lianne Mars has been staying. Do you buy that Veronica and Keith are so good at keeping things from each other? They do spend a lot of time in front of other people lying.
JOY: Yeah. And she has learned these tricks of the trade from Keith. And maybe that makes it easier for her to deceive him, because he feels like she couldn't deceive him.
HZ: And she probably knows the exact characteristics to play on in order to get away with it.
JOY: Oh my god. Yeah. Dark. Never have a plucky young detective for a child, that's what I'm learning from this show.
HZ: Don't let them in the family business. Back at school, Veronica catches up with Troy. And a bunch of lads, including Logan, Duncan and Dick Casablancas, are sitting on the bleachers watching some people play lacrosse, as young lads on top of the world, super wealthy, would spend their time doing.
JOY: Sure. Yes.
HZ: And Logan's clotheswatch: a white shirt with a stomach pouch and orange trousers.
JOY: Orange pants. Duncan does this really unfortunate thing.
HZ: Yeah, cuz Logan is baiting Duncan about how Veronica and Troy seem to be hitting it off. And Duncan is angry, and then playfully does an awkward kind of orientalist gag.
DUNCAN: “Ooooh, Grasshopper too slow for Kung-Fu Master.”
JOY: Yeah, I think this is taken from the TV series Kung Fu, which I think is the original source of the grasshopper trope, like ‘the teacher and grasshopper’.
KUNG FU CLIP:
OLD MAN: “Do you hear the grasshopper, which is at your feet?”
YOUNG MAN: “Old man, how is it that you hear these things?”
OLD MAN: “Young man, how is it that you do not?”
HZ: I've only seen parodies of it. I've never seen the original.
JOY: Oh my god, I'm realising in this moment that the same is true for me. But wow, I wish Duncan wouldn't do this, this sucks.
HZ: He doesn't do it for long because then he cuts to doing a bit of ‘Summer Lovin’’ from Grease.
DUNCAN: “Jump in when you're feeling this, okay? [sings] 'Summer lovin’ had me a blast.'”
LOGAN: “What’s gotten into you, man?”
JOY: It's really starting to feel like Duncan is a radio, and the dial is just a spin.
HZ: Yeah, he's free-associating. “Oh, bleachers, what’s the association I have with bleachers?” And then someone just jumps off the side of the bleachers on crash mats. Everyone's like “hahahahahah brilliant, brilliant!”
JOY: Yeah, yeah. This is exactly the sort of thing people do in high school.
HZ: Yep. Well, you do, don't you?
JOY: Yeah, yeah. Well, you're young, you think you're invincible. You don't know any better.
HZ: Your bones will grow back.
JOY: You're drinking on the bleachers, your bones will grow back. So you don't want to talk about Duncan singing at all? Or would you sooner forget?
HZ: Well, you're a professional musician, what's your verdict?
JOY: I celebrate seeing imperfect singing from a regular non singing person on a TV show. That used to happen all the time. Now even people who cannot sing, if they are featured in a show where there's an opportunity for them to sing or like everyone else is singing, they are autotuned into what people believe to be passable as singing, and I would much rather see Duncan Kane, drunkenly not be able to sing and hop around on the bleachers and stuff. That is delightful to me.
HZ: Duncan Kane putting on his one-man production of Grease.
JOY: I would actually like to see that more than I've seen anything else from Duncan, a one-man production of Grease starring Duncan Kane. Hell yeah, sign me up.
HZ: You’re going to love his rendition of ‘Beauty school dropout’. But down the side of the bleachers, Veronica, no more handshakes, kisses Troy.
JOY: Mouthshakes! Tongueshakes. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Put your tongue in their mouth and then shake it around.
HZ: That's how it's done. Duncan sees and yells - there's obviously quite a lot of Veronica-related emotion inside Duncan, that often inscrutable humanoid lump of meat. He yells. He throws himself off the bleachers has an unfortunate bounce with the crash mats and lands hard. Quite a lot of head bleeding.
JOY: Yeah, that looks like a nasty head wound, I would say.
HZ: Duncan is laughing though. Because I think that's how they express that Duncan is not doing so well psychologically. They have him laughing at things that definitely aren't funny. And then his friends are not being super supportive. They're just mocking and throwing things.
JOY: Including drops of liquor all over him.
HZ: That might help sterilise the wound? Depends on on the liquor - not if it's like, Irish cream or something. So it's down to Veronica and Troy, Troy being this sporadically very helpful person like the tire, they help Duncan to Veronica's car and she drives him to hospital and it's pretty terse. She can't even have her first happy kiss in such a long time go without Duncan ruining it.
JOY: Uh huh. Duncan is just constantly figuring into every aspect of her emotional life, and poor sweet gentle Duncan is like:
DUNCAN: “Remember how things used to be?”
VERONICA VOICEOVER: “You mean between us? Or before Lilly died? Or two weeks ago before your friend took an interest in me?”
DUNCAN: “Veronica?”
VERONICA: “Not really, no.”
HZ: “Despite all the sexy flashbacks I have no memories, no.”
JOY: Yep. And he gets this real sad puppy face when that happens. But then! But then when they're at the hospital, the nurse is like:
NURSE: “Do you want your girlfriend to stay in here with you?”
VERONICA: “Oh, I'm not his girlfriend -”
DUNCAN: “Yeah! Yeah, that's cool.”
JOY: And then Veronica seems into that, but only for a brief moment before the dark shadow of Jake Kane is cast across the hospital room.
HZ: As if your mood could be killed further. He dismisses Veronica. There's a lot of ornaments including a little model horse. Do you think they took Duncan into the kids’ ward?
JOY: Oh my god, maybe that could be because he's under 18; he's a high school student.
HZ: Admittedly, I've never been in an American hospital.
JOY: And I hope it stays that way for you.
HZ: I can't afford it. But it looks quite posh: there's wood panelling, there's design flourishes.
JOY: Well, he probably went to the 09er hospital.
HZ: Right, and that's made to look like a 4* hotel.
JOY: This office looks a lot like Dr. Melfi's office in The Sopranos. It seems like they have the same interior decorator: wood walls with these recessed bookshelves that have lighting that's like mounted inside.
HZ: Yeah, because once you've got your recessed lighting, you want to block it out with some books that no one ever reads. And a little horse. And they've x-rayed Duncan's skull. He's got one. Duncan asks to speak to that. I'm relieved that Duncan doesn't seem to be gravely injured by this.
JOY: Yeah, yeah, and it's very responsible of him to take the initiative to talk to his doctor or to talk to this doctor about like, what's going on?
HZ: Yes, because Duncan asks to speak to the doctor without Jake Kane in the room.
JOY: So he can tell him that he's been taking himself off his medications and the doctor’s like well, you know, nausea, hallucinations, vivid dreams, this could go on for weeks. And Duncan says it's worth it. Hmm. So maybe what we've been seeing from Duncan for the past couple of episodes - his sort of like disaffected, distant kind of general beigeness for lack of a better - his just sort of lack of of vitality and stuff is maybe because he's been like, fogged out on whatever he's taking, like, maybe his medication just like, has a side effect that's really not working for him.
HZ: Yeah. He's traumatised from the death of his sister.
JOY: Oh, yeah. That too.
HZ: His parents are the worst.
JOY: Nightmares.
HZ: His friends are dicks. And he's broken up with Veronica Mars.
JOY: And everybody knows she's at least an eight and a half to nine.
HZ: Minimum eight and a half. And that sounds like a lonely life. Do you think that this show has been responsible in how it is portraying Duncan's mental health?
JOY: Do you know what I think? I think this show is trying to do so much, so fast, in such a small amount of space. I don't think anything is handled with deep nuance; I don't think any of these huge issues are handled as gently as we might hope, or as gently as they might be handled if only one thing was happening at once. But it feels like it's trying to be responsible. It's trying to show like more than just one side of a lot of different things at once. And because there's so much going on, I think like stuff is sort of falling by the wayside. And not everything is getting its due. What do you think?
HZ: Well, I know that every person is different, and the impact upon a person of psychological meds is going to be different. And who am I to say that Duncan Kane wouldn't react in this way? But I did think it was a bit like, “Suggest that this guy's a bit crazy by having him be wacky, quoting random things and jumping off a thing and making a weird toast during dinner.”
JOY: It does feel extreme, Duncan's erraticism. Is that a word?
HZ: Erratitude?
JOY: Erratitude. Then you have to do like rock fingers and deal with it sunglasses come down from the ceiling. Oh, yeah. It erratitude. You have a mohawk all of a sudden.
HZ: But I do appreciate that they have chosen to show that Duncan isn't fine after all he's been through. I just question whether if you're being a bit more sensitive, you might follow it through in slightly different ways. But then I also wonder whether Teddy Dunn who plays Duncan just wasn't able to portray that kind of level of interior landscape?
JOY: Sure. Yeah. And also, the audience that they're making the show for, you assume, is in the, like, 18 to 24..? I would assume that would be the target market for a show about teenagers, right? And maybe they're not giving the audience enough credit, and they feel like they have to like really draw things in very bold, dramatic lines. That having been said, we're not doctors, and everybody responds to medication and perhaps the withdrawal from that medication in different ways.
HZ: Totally. We're not doctors, and we're not Duncan. And to be honest, if I had to live with Duncan's parents, I would not be dealing with it nearly as well as Duncan is.
JOY: Yeah, I would be like “More meds, please.”
HZ: Half of one of those dinners and I would be beside myself. And Veronica Mars is off to San Diego with... her car hood is very dirty. But she's too busy to go to the car wash; she's doing some voiceover about the John Smith case, so that's rumbling on. Video store: Justin's helping the long haired lady customer again, the regular for whom he is her Netflix recommendation engine.
JOY: He's also her Netflix special order operative, because he's going to place the special order for Body Heat now that they discussed previously.
HZ: She's ready now. She's not just handshaking with Body Heat, she's ready to mouthshake.
JOY: To take the next step with Body Heat.
HZ: Justin only works at the video store on Saturday. And yet, the previous scene was when Duncan was injuring himself at the school and the next scene is Duncan still at the hospital on the same day? Are they going to school on Saturdays? They haven't mentioned that they go to a school that makes you go on Saturdays.
JOY: Okay, I am loving the fine-toothed comb and enormous magnifying glass approach.
HZ: My long lens.
JOY: But I think what Justin says later is that he works every Saturday. But he doesn't say that he works only Saturdays.
HZ: Ignore me.
JOY: Mystery solved.
HZ: Back at the hospital. The doctor talks to Duncan about the side effects of coming off antidepressants.
DR. LEVINE: “You're likely to feel nauseous.”
DUNCAN: “Yeah. Plenty of that.”
DR. LEVINE: “It's also possible that you'll suffer from hallucinations and, uh, particularly vivid dreams. And this can go on for weeks. Some people find that unnerving.”
HZ: And I'm glad that this show isn't just like “antidepressants, pills that make you instantly happy”. The perception of those medications has come a long way probably in the last few years when that show was made. But it still seems a little bit basic.
JOY: Yes. You know what's not basic?
HZ: Can't think of one thing that’s not basic.
JOY: How about a - for all practical purposes - single dad embracing his possible limitations revisiting the school counsellor, apologising for being so shut-downy with her?
HZ: “Abrupt, defensive.” Maybe that's when Veronica gets some of her snappiness from.
JOY: Oh my god, you are right!
HZ: Marses don't suffer fools. They don't have the time! The counsellor's very nice about it. Very nice. And then - oh my god, blunder again: he spills her coffee.
JOY: Oh my gosh!
HZ: There's clean up, but a bit of a frisson.
KEITH: “I got it, I got it.”
REBECCA: “Oh, gee, thank you, thank you so much. I'm a coffee addict.”
KEITH: “Thanks again.”
REBECCA: “Sure.”
JOY: She's a coffee addict, and her coffee cup happens to say where she gets her coffee and this does not escape Detective Mars.
HZ: Where is it?
JOY: Great question.
HZ: Thanks.
JOY: It's the place that's on her coffee cup that they are together in later.
HZ:Oh, right - it's a fictional place in the show. it's not like you saw that they called it ‘Snarbucks’ or something.
JOY: Snarbucks? No. Her coffee cup is from an in-universe coffee shop. And Keith probably steps back out into the hall and jots it down in his little detective notebook. “Here's a place where I might find this lady later.”
HZ: In my pants.
JOY: Oh my god.
HZ: Because this frisson is only getting frissonier, because counsellor says:
REBECCA: “Sheriff Mars? You always had my vote.”
HZ: Weird flirt, bringing up a pretty bad career turn for him.
JOY: Yeah, but this is Neptune. So it was that or a neg: those were her two choices.
HZ: And she doesn't seem to have a malicious side, which is about the best that we can hope for with this bunch of people.
JOY: Honestly. So is thenatural progression from a mouthshake then to a pants-shake? Is that what the best we can hope for for Sheriff Mars, for Keith Mars and the counsellor?
HZ: I really want Keith to be happy.
JOY: Me too, wouldn't that be nice?
HZ: It would be so nice. I wonder whether he's capable of it without sabotaging his own happiness.
JOY: We'll just have to watch and find out.
HZ: Outside, Wallace, because he has no agency, watches Veronica show Justin pictures of the three John Smith options but only one of them is an option. Possibly that one is a petty criminal. That's Veronica's view, having gone down to San Diego, to take a look at the John Smiths. Justin asks to go down to San Diego as well and shows Veronica some family pictures at last. Not helpful though, because mom has cut out dad.
JOY: These pictures are brutal. And also why keep them?
HZ: I suppose to have a lovely picture of mother and son with a massive hole next to it.
JOY: Yeah. And a cool car in the background.
HZ: This is the only clue we have to John Smith. John Smith loves cars. He doesn't have a birthday or anything, but he has the cars. I would have thought that Justin would have needed to know his father's birthdate to at some point in his life.
JOY: Maybe his mom just like kind of blanked the whole thing out. You know what I mean? Just like wilfully removed all information about Justin's father from their lives and records.
HZ: So there we are in San Diego following John Smith outside some adult stores.
JOY: And he drives a Sebring convertible, which is not - I mean, it's fine. It's fine car doing its thing, but it is not a cool car.
HZ: It's not a classic car. But then this is the John Smith of ten years ago; a lot of people might have been a bit into cars and then just -
JOY: - gotten more sensible.
HZ: Yeah, yeah, or they couldn't afford that hobby. lots of reasons. They needed a different car for practicality, like they had three kids and you can't fit three kids in a sports car. They've got a really big dog; they have to move a lot of furnishings.
JOY: Okay, all right. In a convertible though?
HZ: My dad had a convertible when my mom met him. And by the time I was alive, he had this enormous Volvo because he'd become a sculptor, and he needed the Volvo to transport the sculptures in. Never stopped wanting a cool car, but the sculpting took out the cool car. So that could have happened to John Smith, just saying the Sebring to me doesn't seem like substantial evidence.
JOY: Okay. Okay. I accept that.
HZ: Yeah, thank you. Justin runs up to this potential John Smith and thinks, “No, this is not my dad.” But Veronica takes advantage of John Smith driving a convertible car and steals a post-it note from it displaying the same handwriting as in the letter. And kids, this might be like, you get a text from an unknown number, but you match the emoji style to some other - to a Whatsapp you got?
JOY: Sure. Yes, yes, this is correct.
HZ: Kane house time. It's still bad, because Duncan is just trying to relax and watch TV, and instead hallucinates his sister with a really gory headwound telling him that the TV show is boring. So it's not only grim and gory, she is razzing him.
JOY: Whenever Amanda Seyfried sashays into an episode of this show, my heart leaps.
HZ: She is extraordinary in this, she really makes the seconds on screen count. Lilly is the most un-dead character in this, really. She snuggles up to Duncan and she says:
LILLY: “Hey, you know what makes absolutely no sense. My disappearance. Murder. Whatever. How it supposedly went down. So bogus, right?”
JOY: Yeah, it doesn't add up. Admit it to yourself.
HZ: She says:
LILLY: “Clue in, donut.”
JOY: Oh, is that like her cute little brother nickname for him?
HZ: Idiot Brother.
JOY: Idiot brother donut. Duncan the donut. Oh my god. Duncan Donut. Of course!
HZ: He's probably lived with that all his life. Poor thing. I like that Lilly is getting impatient with people not solving her murder after a year.
JOY: I love an impatient ghost.
HZ: Yeah, because in Twin Peaks Laura Palmer is very patient. Lilly Kane, she's like, “No, fuck that.”
JOY: And that's really in line with her personality as we know it to be from life. No bullshit.
HZ: No waiting around. In San Diego, John Smith parks at a house. Veronica and Justin turn up. Justin plays with Veronica's Taser - don't touch. That's not a toy.
JOY: How are you going to touch Veronica Mars's Taser is what I'd like to know.
HZ: I suppose he didn't know what it was. Would you know what a Taser looked like, if it was just in the front of someone's car? I don't think I would. You gave me a ride today in your car and perhaps you have many Tasers in it and I failed to identify them.
JOY: They're all stowed, you know: glove box, under the seats and whatnot. I don't just leave them laying out. But I feel like I have a rough enough idea of what a Taser looks like from film and television that I would be like, “oh, a Taser.” Or at least like “oh a weapon”, or at least “oh, something I shouldn't touch.”
HZ: I suppose in 2004, he might have just mistaken it for a brick phone. And Veronica makes the bold move of breaking into John Smith's garage.
JOY: I would not do this.
HZ: I wouldn't either. It seems wrong. And she thinks, “Gah, maybe this is not right. Because there is a car that's been covered. But it's just a crappy car. It's not a classic car.”
JOY: Why even bother covering it, honestly?
HZ: Right? It's indoors. And John Smith comes into the room with a baseball bat. Which is rational because someone has broken into his house.
JOY: Yeah, very fair.
HZ: And he reveals that, contrary to her expectations of someone who's been hanging out at adult emporiae during the day, he is actually a parole officer. And he does not have a son.
JOHN SMITH THREE: Why would you be following me?
VERONICA: I'm a friend of your son's. He just wants to see you.
JOHN SMITH THREE: I don't have a son. Don't move.
VERONICA: Are you trying to tell me you're not John Smith?
JOY: Aaaah! What does it all mean?
HZ: No time to find out, because a green convertible draws up - someone has got a nice car.
JOY: That's a good looking car.
HZ: And in it is the lady, the sweet lady from the video store.
JOY: Julia.
HZ: Justin doesn't call her Julia. Justin calls her:
JUSTIN: “Dad?”
JOY: Oh, my God,
HZ: Justin's kind of deadnaming his parent.
JOY: What do I think about that? Ah.
HZ: He's surprised, so I can understand that his response would not be the most tasteful or measured.
JOY: Sure. And also just think about the the wild life math his brain must be doing just to catch up to the information.
HZ: But Julia is a person that Justin has seen up close many times, and heard her voice, and she has rung no bells for him before. How is it that in this context, when he thinks that his dad is perhaps inside the house with Veronica breaking in, has that made the pieces fall into place for him? What?
JOY: I think the location, like the mission that they're on and the car, in combination with like, “Oh, I'm in a place I've never been before and you're a person that I've talked to a bunch of times.” Know what I mean?
HZ: What a coincidence.
JOY: Yeah, yeah, it just feels like it must be all adding up.
HZ: What doesn't add up though, is that when the car draws up, and Justin recognises his long-lost parent, it's bright daylight. And then there's a cut - no conversational time elapses, but it's now sunset. Does it come on very quickly in San Diego?
JOY: Yeah, yeah. You just never see it coming.
HZ: The reason why Julia has been coming to the video store is not so that she can decide whether or not to rent Body Heat; it's to see Justin.
JUSTIN: “And your little visits to the video store? What's that all about, huh?”
JULIA: “I wanted to see you. Can you understand that? I wanted to see for myself that you were all right.”
JOY: Oh, I cried. I cried.
HZ: It's beautiful.
JOY: I am not ashamed to tell you, Helen, who I bet didn't cry, I cried.
HZ: And also Julia is played by Oscar winning actor Melissa Leo.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: Bit parts in Veronica Mars have some very high profile performers in.
JOY: What do we think about the choice to cast a cis woman as a trans woman in 2004?
HZ: I think in 2004, people would not have registered the notion that you should cast a trans person to play a trans person. In fact, I think even now it comes up too often.
JOY: Way too often. And most frequently, I feel like because cis men are being cast as trans women, which feels a lot more dangerous and disrespectful.
HZ: Yes, but also I'm trying to think how many openly trans actors were working around that time?
JOY: Well, like less about how many were working and more about how many could get hired, like who was hiring trans actors?
HZ: That's right. I felt like trans actors were not getting considered for any roles. And people were not considering that they should cast trans people in trans roles. And I think that's conversation that I'm happy is being had with increasing volume now.
JOY: What we can say about Melissa Leo in this role is that her performance is very beautiful. And it made Jenny cry.
HZ: What an adoring act, to go and listen to your son bore on about what videos you should get. But Justin didn't have the reaction you had, Justin is, is very upset and he's upset that his mother is a liar. And he says his dad's a circus freak. I mean, if you're talking about how trans people are perceived at the time, that might be reflective of how a teenage boy was understanding of gender.
JOY: This is so sad. This is so heartbreaking.
HZ: And Julia, who seems like a very gentle spirit, says:
JULIA: “Oh, this is something I had to do. This…is who I am.”
HZ: Everyone is very upset, the parole officer, who seems like a pretty good egg actually, hugs Julia as Justin and Veronica Mars leave.
JOY: Love him. He seems very sweet.
HZ: I'm glad that they've got each other. I assume it's a romantic partnership, and not that he is Julia's parole officer.
JOY: No, they seem in love.
HZ: Yeah, they seem to have a sweet relationship - I'd like to spend a bit more time in their relationship, rather than the dweebs rating women.
JOY: That would be far far preferable.
HZ: Driving home, Veronica Mars points out that Julia travels 90 miles to see Justin for just a few seconds.
VERONICA: “Look, my mom's been missing too and honestly, I would give anything to feel that she cared enough about me to do that.”
HZ: This is lemon juice in the wounds, isn't it?
JOY: Yeah, this is painful.
HZ: Justin's also got some tough conversations ahead with his mother.
JOY: Yeah, that's true.
HZ: Because do you think now it would be the case where if one of your parents transitioned, the other one would think, “You know, the best way to deal with this is to pretend that they died”?
JOY: I'm sure there are some people. There are definitely some people in this world who would feel that way. I think far fewer, and I think there are way more resources than there were even 15 years ago.
HZ: Especially in Southern California, I would have thought. It's a heartbreaking idea, though, that that's how you would respond to something like this. But back to the Mars house. Veronica Mars is staring at a post-it note. Post-its are getting quite a lot of play. Handwritten post-its, it's their time.
JOY: Love to see it, I love post-it notes, show me more post-it notes, Veronica Mars.
HZ: Well, she's just got the one. And it's got an address for Lianne Mars on it, and Veronica decides she's going to drive to Arizona right now. Can't wait any longer. She's just seen a very powerful reunion between child and parent. She's all stirred up. Maybe she's thinking, "I'm willing to drive the extra distance to see my mom, even if she's not going to reciprocate".
JOY: “And maybe it'll help remind my mom of what it feels like to be my mom and remind her of like the mother-daughter love between them -” you know, like maybe she's just hoping that if she takes one step that'll make it easier for her mom to take a step or two back towards her.
HZ: Yeah, The hero is the one that stays. Then at the Kanes, Duncan is doing a bit of Blue Steel over the kitchen sink.
JOY: He is, isn't he?
HZ: But rule of three dictates that this scene - the third time we've seen Duncan at the sink with a pill - it's not going to go the same as the first two.
JOY: Yep, yep. And it doesn't. He's back on his meds.
HZ: Down the hatch. I hope that the doctor's advice was useful to him and it's not another adult enemy, given that his parents are the opposite of helpful and supportive.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: And at school, Veronica asks how Duncan's head is; he just says “better” and moves off with Logan flanking him.
JOY: Ice cold.
HZ: Yeah. Out of erratic Duncan moves, not sure about that.
JOY: Yeah, not not my favourite. But you know who's having better luck? Keith Mars! Oh, just oops, accidentally bumping into the school counsellor at her coffee spot.
REBECCA: “Hey, I didn't know you came here.”
KEITH: “Yeah, I just discovered this place.”
REBECCA: “Yeah, me too.”
KEITH: “Oh, how have we missed each other?”
HZ: You're a private detective, you should have known. Has he just been staking it out all week?
JOY: Yeah, he's been out in his in his car in a trench coat and a fedora, magnifying glasses strewn across the passenger seat, just waiting.
HZ: “I thought I'd bump into you at the coffee shop/gynaecologist/laundry room”. And then the video store. This is also quite sweet. Finally, Justin's parent's order has come in. Finally, she's going to get to see Body Heat! But it's not really about Body Heat.
JUSTIN: “Hello? Julia? It's Justin. Hey, listen. That copy of Body Heat you wanted came in…”
HZ: But he's crying. And I really hope that this is the start of them rebuilding their family relationship. Especially as he seems to have a pretty solid stepdad.
JOY: This feels like a step in the direction of of them building a relationship, which is very exciting.
HZ: I hope so. And then we're in Arizona.
JOY: Or are we?
HZ: And then we're in somewhere that's playing Arizona. This is very heartbreaking to me. Veronica sees a blonde woman outside a house and shouts:
VERONICA: “Mom!?”
HZ: It's not her mom.
JOY: This is a huge bummer for Veronica Mars.
HZ: Who's just driven all the way to Arizona after a day of school and then driving to San Diego. She's been been all over the place. And yet, still light in Arizona, isn't it?
JOY: The passage of time? Isn't it interesting?
HZ: Quick, quick, quick, slow. But the woman she's mistaken for her mother is actually a college friend of Lianne Mars, who left a couple of weeks ago.
VERONICA: “Well, did she say where she was going?”
ADRIANNA: “No.”
VERONICA: “Don't lie to me. I need to know, where is she?”
ADRIANNA: “She thought your father might come looking for her and she knows I'm no good at keeping secrets.”
VERONICA: “Doesn't she care about me?”
ADRIANNA: “You're all she cares about.”
VERONICA: “Mark me down as sceptical.”
JOY: Wow, I wonder if that's true. I guess we'll find out.
HZ: Maybe. And then Veronica drives home, calls Troy from outside his house, and they hug and cry.
JOY: Don't you think that music is going to swell and they're going to run into each others arms and...
HZ: ...cry.
JOY: Tongueshake.
HZ: I don't know. I don't think Veronica's in the mood for a tongueshake. I think she just needs a friend.
JOY: Yeah. Okay. That's that's a fair point.
HZ: And she can't talk to Keith about this. And I guess she's chosen not to show a vulnerable side to Wallace because then maybe he will know that she -
JOY: - she's a person?
HZ: She's a person and therefore he could refuse to do the things she says. So in the course of this episode, Veronica and Troy have progressed from handshakes to crying, which is quite rapid.
JOY: Huh.
HZ: Now let’s investigate how accurate this episode is in its portrayal of Southern California and legal process, and check in with Southern Californian lawyer and Marshmallow Lo Dodds. Here’s today’s LoDown.
THE LODOWN
JOY: Lo, in the show, Veronica makes a point of differentiating when someone says that they called the police. She said Neptune doesn't have a police department, they have a sheriff's department. What is the difference?
LO DODDS: Veronica's throwing some unnecessary shade there. A sheriff's department is just the county, so they're run by the county and so they will cover many cities. That's actually a little bit inaccurate, because Neptune is a city so they call the Neptune Sheriff's Department. It would be more likely the Orange County Sheriff's Department. And then each city, if it's big enough, has its own police department. The sheriff's department does everything the police does, but they also run county jails.
JOY: Aha, so Veronica's just being rude.
LO DODDS: Basically, yeah.
HZ: Wallace gets this job at the school office. Do they have kids working in the school office with access to everyone's files?
LO DODDS: They do. They do have office aides. When I was a junior in high school, I was the office aide for the vice principal. And you do have kind of a lot of access.
HZ: Whoa, did you ever photocopy anyone's records to help a plucky young detective?
LO DODDS: No, no, I know; this entire episode is another in a long series of “why is Wallace Fennel friends with her?”
HZ: He just loves to be taken advantage of, I guess.
LO DODDS: He even said, “oh, I'm gonna get expelled for this.” You already planted a bomb. I think expelled is now a little light for your sentence. But yeah, I did not ever photocopy records. I didn't do anything for any nefarious purposes. I checked people's locker numbers so that I could leave Snickers in their lockers. That's what I recall doing that for
HZ: If they have a peanut allergy, then that is a real mean thing to do.
LO DODDS: Oh man! I never thought of that.
HZ: Lo, what's the lowdown on the crimes that Veronica may have committed in the course of this episode?
LO DODDS: There were a few crimes committed in Episode Three. There was definitely trespassing. I was surprised to learn that trespassing, breaking into that garage of Julie Smith, that's not burglary. In order to commit burglary you have to have an intent to steal something. So Veronica could probably just be tagged for misdemeanour trespassing. But bugging is a crime. And putting a tracking device on someone's car is definitely a crime. In California, if you want to record somebody, you have to have their consent. So yeah, all the times that they are bugging people throughout this show is a crime.
JOY: Wow, do PIs, to the best of your knowledge, do that regularly? Do they break the law to pursue their cases?
LO DODDS: I don't know. I have worked with PIs before; generally they do a lot of financial review. I don't think PIs are as exciting - maybe if they are in, you know, the Dirty Picture business, They might do that. But yeah, if you get caught for that, it's at least a misdemeanour.
HZ: Okay, so in this episode, Veronica has committed a mild crime and a crimier crime.
LO DODDS: Yeah, she's committed some trespassing, some bugging. Let's see, what was the other one - tracking a vehicle? I was surprised to find out her all of her letters, I thought that might have been mail fraud. But under mail fraud, you have to intend to get some sort of financial benefits.
JOY: In your professional opinion, is eyeballing the coffee cup of a lady that you find intriguing and then showing up at the coffee shop where she got that coffee from regularly until you bump into her - does that feel like chill behaviour or not chill behaviour?
LO DODDS: I think that is chill behaviour for someone who has a background in investigations. I think from Keith's perspective, that was just him, just picking up all of the clues that he's normally just going to pick up and process and know what to do with; he just executed that like he would any other type of investigation. Yes, it's a little bit creepy. But you know no more than like seeing someone's gym key on their keyring and being like, "I'm gonna drop by that gym and check her out."
HZ: That does sound creepy. Tiny bit. And are there any Southern Californian anachronisms you want to point out?
LO DODDS: Oh, actually - Veronica makes the comment that former John Smith, now Julie Smith, drives 90 miles round trip every week to see her son. That would put Neptune squarely in San Clemente, California, because that is 45 miles from San Diego.
HZ: Whoa. So you really are from Neptune?
LO DODDS: Apparently I am. And I'm so excited about knowing that fact. Rob Thomas gave an interview once that said he put Neptune about where San Juan Capistrano is, which makes kind of a lot more sense, because that is a very diverse community. It's got a heavy immigrant population, but it's bordered by these very affluent communities: San Clemente to the south, Dana Point and Laguna to the north. So this whole idea of the uber-rich 09ers living right next door to the people they consider their help is pretty realistic. I will say that when she drives to Arizona in four hours, that Arizona looks suspiciously like about three exits down on the 5 freeway.
HZ: And that concludes this episode. Jenny. Do you have a favourite line from this episode?
JOY: Yes I do! When Veronica tells Troy, “I'd invite you over but it's a school night. And my dad owns a hand gun.” Somebody should be putting - striking - the fear of God into the heart of Troy Vandergraff.
HZ: Yeah, Keith Mars is one of those people that seems like a kind of cuddly delight, and yet probably you could be scared shitless of him at the same time.
JOY: I wouldn't want to be on his wrong side.
HZ: I also am going to give the best line of the show to Keith, for saying about Veronica's John Smith weird mail fraud investigation thing: “Part of me is proud, and let's just leave it at that.” Do you want to rate the mysteriousness of this mystery?
JOY: Oh, do I ever. I was 100% on board. I’m giving this mystery 5 out of 5 mix CDs that include the new 311.
HZ: I think my enjoyment of the mystery is diminished by my expectations, in 2019, of the way that a plot about a parent’s gender transition ought to be treated. So I will give this three Duncan Kane one-man productions of Grease out of five.
JOY: Wow. Three is better than none. And better than one. And better than two.
HZ: I think there are some beautiful moments in the mystery, but I think that the mystery being a mystery is maybe a bit tastles. But that’s another episode of Veronica Mars investigated.
JOY: Case closed.