VMI 2-05 Blast from the Past transcript
Hear this episode at VMIpod.com/2-05
Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes storylines concerning a bus crash and drug use.
A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
HZ: Veronica and Jackie sort of become friends when Jackie asks Veronica to find out who stole her credit card and bought a load of vanilla-scented candles with it.
JOY: But they are probably enemies again when Jackie humiliates Veronica during a televised psychic reading, and slow dances with Logan. (This is starting to read like a Riverdale episode summary.)
HZ: That's not even the worst thing our blessed Wallace is dealing with this episode, as he reels from the information that for the past 18 years his mother has covered up who his father is.
JOY: Dude. The contest is heating up between Sheriff Lamb versus past and maybe future Sheriff Mars, and Lamb has found a way to pin the bus crash on Keith.
HZ: Booooo.
JOY: Ugh.
HZ: And: it's dance time! Homecoming is upon us. Get ready for some suits and ties and emotional fallout.
JOY: Hoping you don't find a big yellow chicken suit in my closet, I'm Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: And bottling my own urine, I'm Helen Zaltzman.
You’re listening to Veronica Mars Investigations season 2 episode 5: Blast from the Past.
HZ: Well, if you were expecting an episode to pick up the themes and events of last episode and proceed with those plots, tough shit.
JOY: Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
HZ: There's only one that this episode carries on with, and it is the shock information about Wallace's parentage. His dad is not dead. His dad is this guy, Nathan Woods, in an enormous leather jacket.
JOY: So, so big.
HZ: Who is now in Neptune. It's sad.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: Because he's so angry all this episode, and we've not really seen such an upset Wallace.
JOY: Yeah, Wallace is really going through it.
HZ: Alicia finds out that Wallace finds out and she's immediately on the back foot.
WALLACE: So who did we put in the ground back in Cleveland? Who was it I cried for all those months?
ALICIA: That was your father.
WALLACE: Oh yeah? Cos I don't see how that works, having two fathers.
ALICIA: Nathan Woods and I got married when I was twenty-one years old. He was - WALLACE: A narcotics detective, yeah, he told me all that stuff already.
ALICIA: No, Wallace, that's how he started out but then he went undercover on some case that he said would make his career and soon he got so deep into it, he had me fooled. Unless coming home high was part of the job? Unless stashing heroin and guns under my bed was all in the line of duty? I hate that you had to find out like this. But if you are asking me who is your real father, that's Hank Fennel.
JOY: RIP Hank Fennel.
HZ: So this is also sad. You just get the impression that they're still kind of grieving Hank Fennel, who brought Wallace up in Cleveland, and then they left Cleveland for a new life in Neptune after he died, I believe.
JOY: This is so much for Wallace to take in. This is his whole life. It's fucked up.
HZ: And also, Alicia wants to show him his birth certificate, which Hank Fennel put his name on, and then discovers that it's missing because Keith nicked it last episode.
JOY: Keith, just take a photo. What are you doing?
HZ: Cmon, you've got the cameras - we've seen them. Wallace is just super glum this whole episode.
JOY: Wallace can't catch a break in this episode. He is at the lunch table with Jackie, and just wants to be with his thoughts, then he sees Veronica sit down and he wants to talk to Veronica, his best friend, about it. Jackie is pissed. She rolls up on them while Wallace is trying to explain the situation, and he doesn't want to talk about it with her. So once they clam up and she gets there, she is kind of nasty and sweeps away. And poor Wallace, poor Wallace, getting no support from anybody this episode.
HZ: At his job at the Sac-n-Pac, Nathan Woods is watching him at a distance, whilst Wallace is stacking shelves. They've got an offer on kitchen towel, by the way. Brand kitchen towel, not just any old shit. And when Wallace realises that Nathan Woods' there, he starts singing "Papa Was a Rollin' Stone," and we've had to enjoy so much horrible singing during this show, and yet Wallace was here the whole time.
WALLACE: [singing] Folks say Papa was never much on thinking
Spent most of his time chasing women and drinking
Mama, I'm depending on you to tell me the truth.
JOY: What's interesting about this to me is that Wallace changes the key, every time he changes a section, he starts singing the song in a different key. But it's still about a thousand times more enjoyable than like any other singing I think we've seen on the show. Even though he's doing this from a place of pain, his performance and delivery and stuff was just all right there. So great job, Wallace. Nathan Woods is like, "Thank you for the gift of that song, my son. Here is a gift for you. It's a huge, thick stack of returned letters that I tried to mail you over the span of your whole life."
HZ: Because he said, "I tried for years to track you down and Alicia's mum wouldn't tell me where you'd all gone." And I thought it was interesting that he refers to her as ‘Alicia’ rather than ‘Cherie’, which was her name when they were together. Or ‘your mom’.
JOY: Oh yeah.
HZ: Also, does Wallace have a relationship with this grandmother? And so is the grandmother also having to deceive him? What's the situation? She'd promised to pass on these letters to Wallace, but they've all got ‘Return to sender’ written on them in red letters, which apparently is Alicia's handwriting, we learn later. Grandma told him that Alicia was pregnant.
JOY: Yeah, it's pretty messy. Hard to pick a side here.
HZ: It affects her relationship with Keith as well, but Keith has also fucked up by stealing Alicia's documents.
JOY: Yeah. Nobody's doing their best work here. So Alicia confronts Keith about the birth certificate snatching. So easily could have been avoided, Keith, if only you'd had the foresight to not just physically remove the birth certificate. And the tension here is bad. They definitely are attacking each other about their respective parenting styles. Not good for your relationship.
KEITH: I'm just suggesting it might have been wise to let Wallace know.
ALICIA: YOU are giving me parenting advice?
KEITH: What is that supposed to mean?
ALICIA: That means that I protected Wallace's childhood, I didn't sell it out. I will not invite chaos into my house.
KEITH: Oh, come on Alicia, you invited chaos. All you did was postpone it.
HZ: I don't know whether that's fair.
JOY: I don't think it is.
HZ: It sounds like she had a very rough relationship with Nathan Woods. And although it seems bad that she wasn't always honest with Wallace that Hank wasn't his biological father, I think during the 1980s and 90s people were still much more apt to do that than maybe they are now; people would still lie to kids that they'd adopted about that.
JOY: Yeah. You kind of can't anymore. You can't guarantee anything. You can't guarantee your anonymity as a sperm donor, for example. There's too much available information. There are too many ways to get info.
HZ: Yes. But also, do you think she was like, "I just really wish Hank Fennel had been Wallace's dad," and just carried the whole family on that wish?
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: At least Wallace and Veronica are getting along. When she knows what the problem is, she's quite a supportive friend. Or, at least, sometimes.
WALLACE: She made my dad out to be some kind of a psychopath, just to cover her tracks. If he's so nuts, how did he manage to stick with the Chicago PD all these years?
VERONICA: And if he was a cop, then how did it take him all these years just to track you down? Your mom is right, Wallace; he had his chance, and he passed it up. Take it from someone who knows: the one who sticks with you is the one who cares.
JOY: Great questions.
HZ: But things are fucked enough that at the end we see Wallace taking off with his dad, they're driving through the desert, and apparently it's because they didn't have the budget to have Percy Daggs III in all of the episodes this season.
JOY: You're kidding.
HZ: Afraid not.
JOY: What the fuck are they doing with the budget if not spending it on Wallace?
HZ: I think in this episode they're spending it on gold handbags and belts. And the chicken suit.
JOY: Would not have been my choice.
HZ: So things are shit for Wallace, things are shit for Alicia, and things as shit for Keithlicia.
JOY: Yeah, not good. It's not good.
HZ: I hate it!
JOY: No, I don't like it either. I don't like it either.
HZ: Keith's also having a rough time with his sheriff campaign.
JOY: Oh my god.
HZ: Well, he's having a good time at the start of the episode, because he's 12 points ahead of Lamb.
KEITH: Your father's campaign is riding on a gravy train with biscuit wheels. Woody's numbers guys just called to say I've got a 12-point lead. I don't need to roll around in the mud with Lamb.
VERONICA: In that case, it sounds like you don't need a photographer from the Neptune Navigator who knows how to shoot your good side.
KEITH: Got nothing but good sides, baby!
JOY: You know, it's shocking how much one can enjoy seeing Keith smug about, and how much one absolutely is revolted by seeing Lamb smug about.
HZ: I don't want to upset you, but I am somewhat enjoying having Lamb back as an adversary for Keith and Veronica. There's something that I'm relishing about it. I know it's wrong, Jenny, I know it's foul.
JOY: Do you think that you love to hate him? Do you like to see Keith have an enemy who is consistent and can really fuck with him?
HZ: Maybe it's just that it's so straightforward. You know you're allowed to despise Lamb, you know that he's a shit, and it's satisfying when one of the characters is rude to him. Whereas so many of the others, they contain multitudes - like Logan is often a bad person, but you also want to love him. So maybe it's just the straightforwardness of what you're allowed to feel about Lamb.
JOY: Right. He's just like a pure villain.
HZ: When Veronica goes to Mars HQ towards the beginning of this episode, she comments on a bad smell, and Keith says that a load of his sheriff campaign posters were found in a dumpster downtown, and he puts this down to how well his campaign's doing.
JOY: But not for long. Not for long, Helen.
HZ: He's got a debate with Lamb at the hall of the Neptune League of Women Voters, according to a big banner.
JOY: Nice.
SHERIFF LAMB: You know what else bugs me? Gang violence bugs me. Illegal immigration bugs me. Drug trafficking bugs me. Street racing bugs me. But come election day, I am confident that the voters of Balboa County will do what is best and put the Exterminator back in office.
HZ: Lamb has styled himself "The Exterminator".
JOY: Oh my god, this is so on brand for this guy.
HZ: Bugs! Bugs! Bugs! It's a very bug-heavy episode: in the annoyance word, in the insect, and in these surveillance devices.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: I think Keith really shits this debate though when, instead of saying something concrete about how Lamb did some bad sheriffing or fucked up the Lilly Kane case, he's just like, "Well, if you're so great, why has Neptune subtly changed in the last few months?"
JOY: Yeah, yeah. It is a very weird, passive tactic.
KEITH: What does - to borrow a slogan - bug me are the subtle changes in Neptune over the last few months.
LAMB: You mean violent crime dropping eleven percent?
KEITH: I'm talking about the growing sense of resentment, of friction, of polarisation within our community.
LEVINE: Well, nothing has been more divisive than the bus crash, and many feel that you were quick in attributing the accident to driver error, Sheriff.
LAMB: On the subject of the bus crash, it's just come to light that back in 1989, then-Deputy Mars pulled Ed Doyle over for driving under the influence. He had simply decided to follow him home rather than follow procedure. Had a DUI appeared on his record, he would have never been hired by the school district.
JOY: I understand that Keith is taken off guard here, but hey, when somebody throws that in your face, maybe it's a good time to be like, "And here's a concrete list of things that Sheriff Lamb has fucked up." Counterpoint.
HZ: Exactly. And also, would something that happened 16 years before be all that relevant to how a bus crashed? And then the moderator of the debate says nothing's been more divisive in Neptune than the bus crash. How is that divisive, though? Because who's going, "That's all right, why are you making such fuss? It's just a bus crash that killed multiple people."
JOY: Yeah, I think we can all agree that that sucks. You'd think it'd be unifying. There's so little to celebrate about the unholy union of Veronica and Duncan, but one thing that is really nice is that Veronica can steal Kane letterhead whenever she feels like it.
HZ: But why? Because surely she would just have the graphic available.
JOY: Oh true.
HZ: And then she could just print out her own Kane Software stationery.
JOY: True, true, true. OK.
HZ: It is quite sweet, though, when they're romancing and then she's like, "Oh, if you're taking me to Homecoming, I want a corsage, I want this, I want that, and, oh, I want some Kane stationery." And Duncan's like, "Oh, why?" And she's like, "Don't ask questions, just look pretty." And then he supplies it for her.
JOY: Wise move, Duncan.
HZ: And for why does she want this?
JOY: She wants it so that she can write, in the voice of Jake Kane, "Exterminator, knock ’em dead on election day. Love, Jake Kane." And that letter is wrapped around a huge beetle encased in plastic, that's like a paperweight, or glass maybe. And it's a bug.
HZ: Quelle surprise. And Lamb is just like, "Oh, brilliant, a useless ornament, that's nice,” uninquisitively puts it on his desk, goes off to interrogate some people. Therefore, Veronica has access to Lamb's office. I love that we get to see her interface on her computer for checking her bugs. There's just a picture of some grass with a beetle on it, and she clicks on the beetle, and then she gets to hear the audio from Lamb's office, and now she rewinds — there's this kind of fun CCTV-style shot from the top corner of Lamb's room where it's like they're rewinding the visuals even though she can't see those. Lamb and Sacks go in and out, but then Terrence Cook comes in - Jackie's dad. And he and Lamb sit in blue-tinged darkness, and Lamb's like, "I've brought you here to ask if you would buy some tickets for our fundraiser, they're $10 each." And Terrance is like, "Well that seems a bit extra, to bring me down for that. Fine, I'll buy two tickets." And he's like, "I was thinking more like a thousand."
JOY: And then he steeples his fingers, and twists his moustache:
LAMB: $10,000, if my math's correct. Hey, it's not $3m. Now THAT is real money. I mean, that's the kind of money that certain people take very, very seriously. Gambling debt like that, and they might send some guys down to your nice new Cliffside house to remind you payment's due.
TERRENCE: What are you getting at, Sheriff?
LAMB: Pretty sure I just got to it, slugger.
JOY: He's got somebody in a holding cell right now who told him that Terrence Cook did, quote, ‘favours’ for people who bet seriously on baseball games, meaning I guess we're supposed to take that as Terrence Cook was throwing games so that people could profit off of it? And he also has $3 million in gambling debt. Now, I'm curious about where those two things connect. Like, if he had $3 million in gambling debt, why didn't he also place a bet on the games that he knew he was going to throw? You know what I mean? It seems like this could have all been avoided with a little planning. But gambling addiction is very serious, and I'm just going to assume, with a $3 million gambling debt, that there might be an addiction issue going on.
HZ: It explains why Terrence Cook has seemed a bit stressed when we've seen him.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: But, in this episode, he is actually wearing a jacket that fits. I think in this episode I've seen more properly-fitting jackets than in the whole of the rest of Veronica Mars to date.
JOY: Don't get too excited, because there's some wild ass shit still coming your way, Helen.
HZ: There's some wacky cardigans, but I saw three jackets that actually fit the body they were on, so I'm just trying to count my blessings, Jenny. Later, Keith visits Lamb at the office. There's so many lamps on in Lamb's office, and yet none of them actually illuminating him. These plots are very intertwined this episode. He comes in because Veronica has a voicemail that a student named Michelle had from one of the people on the bus. She was calling at the moment the bus crashed.
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have one saved message.
RHONDA: Michelle, why aren't you picking up, you big loser? I can't believe you bailed on that field trip without telling me. Hey, about next weekend - [loud bang] Oh god!
AUTOMATED VOICE: To delete message, press seven. To forward message...
VERONICA: Did you hear it?
KEITH: An explosion.
VERONICA: Before the bus hit the railing. The bus was sabotaged. That means Ed Doyle had nothing to do with the crash.
HZ: And he's like, "Lamb, you've got to investigate this." And Lamb disagrees. That's a mystery that is being introduced this episodes and is not fully unfurled.
JOY: Yeah. And of course, the ongoing mystery of why is Lamb such a douche?
HZ: He's just made that way, Jenny. And he's got power. He's a douche with power, which means he's even more of a douche.
JOY: Bleh.
HZ: And also, he loves to cover up evidence in the crimes of the season.
JOY: He does.
HZ: But while Keith's there, he spots Veronica's bug and quick-thinkingly distracts Lamb by being like, "Oh, is that a picture of you with the governor?" And he turns around and he's like, "No, that's a picture of me with a really big fish I fished," so that Keith can pocket the bug, because Keith had seen the bug in Veronica's room at the beginning of the episode. You don't see him grounding Veronica for bugging the sheriff, I'm disappointed to say.
JOY: You don't see him making Veronica write a hundred times on the chalkboard, "I will not surveille the sheriff's office. I will not surveille the sheriff's office." That doesn't happen.
HZ: I wonder what is powering the bugs - presumably a tiny battery like a watch, and I wonder how long those batteries last.
JOY: Ooh, that is a good question.
HZ: But the mystery of the week this week is Jackie's. She's only been at the school a couple of months and she's had Wallace investigate one mystery for her, now she's getting Veronica to investigate another mystery. She finds her in the toilet office - she's following proper procedure.
JOY: Return of the toilet office! Always glad to see an old friend.
HZ: Veronica's hair's looking great in this scene.
JOY: Agree.
HZ: It's sort of shaggy. Jackie says that someone has stolen her credit card and maxed it out. We find this out because Jackie has been visiting a psychic, and, for once, the unusual light sources in the sets of this show, I think, serve the location well. It seems appropriate for the psychic, that they'd have this illuminated table and this big neon hand. So she has this reading and then her card's declined. Shit!
JOY: So she goes to Veronica, she shows Veronica like a list of the charges.
VERONICA: $100 for lip enhancer at Estee Lauder, $1200 for a leather jacket at Nordstrom, $500 on vanilla scented candles at Tricky Wicks?
JACKIE: Yeah, she's a full time resident at the Galleria. I think she hit every store in the mall.
VERONICA: Except for Unicornucopia. Hmm.
JOY: Unicornucopia. Did you know that there was a Unicornucopia in Neptune, Helen?
HZ: Last season Veronica was all like, "Buy me a pony." She's upgraded to unicorns this season.
JOY: Sure, yeah. Add a horn. Add some value. Absolutely.
HZ: Second episode in which she's made a unicorn quip this season. And Jackie's like, "Someone stole my card. I suspect it's my friend Cora, but I don't want to accuse her, so I need you to prove that Cora didn't do it because she's my only friend." So it's a real mess. “I don't trust my friend, but she's my only friend.” Also on the charges I noticed there's several for clothing and for gas, but also there's $26.98 spent at the iTunes store on the Black Eyed Peas album Elephunk. That is expensive, I think, for an album.
JOY: $26.99?! Maybe it was a double album, special edition, full two-disc set, including remixes. Still not worth it.
HZ: So Veronica's like, "OK, the first step to investigate is to find out whether Cora has any of these items like the leather jacket." Whether she's been walking around whistling ‘Don't Phunk With My Heart’.
JOY: Helen, you're sending me back in time and I don't like it.
HZ: You don't want to go back to 2003 when the Black Eyed Peas released Elephunk, do you, Jenny?
JOY: I really don't want to. Woof. OK, so Veronica weasels her way into Cora's car so they can go outlet shopping together.
HZ: It's so weird!
JOY: It's really weird.
HZ: Well, it's so odd because Veronica really comes on strong. She manufactures a physical bumping-in in a classroom door. You can see Cora coming because she has an enormous gold purse.
JOY: Nice.
HZ: And she's got a leather jacket on, which was one of the items on the card statement.
VERONICA: Oh my god. I love this. You have amazing taste, Cora.
CORA: You know who I am?
VERONICA: Eighth grade badminton partner? You never forget someone you've been in the foxhole with.
CORA: I guess not. Anyway, thanks. I'm just a savvy shopper.
VERONICA: Where'd you get this?
CORA: It's a secret. OK: outlet mall outside of Chatsworth. I'm going later to get my Homecoming dress.
VERONICA: Can I come? We can car pool, save a little money on gas.
CORA: That's cool.
VERONICA: I'll call you.
HZ: Does she still have her number from 8th grade badminton?
JOY: And also, contrary to the way that everybody else seems to think about Veronica Mars at Neptune High, Cora is like, "Wow, I didn't even know you know who I am! Wow, let's hang out, this is awesome."
HZ: She deliberately spills a caramel latte on her shirt in order to get to go into Cora's closet and borrow a shirt before they go to the outlet mall. And then she spies a suspicious-looking zipped-up clothing bag. What could it be? A credit card could be hanging in it.
CORA: Oh, no, not that one. There's nothing that you'd wanna see in there. It's just -
VERONICA: I love looking through your clothes. It's like the fashion equivalent of a skin mag.
CORA: Oh, no, seriously, I don't -
[Veronica unzips it: therein hides a bright yellow chicken costume.]
CORA: Oh, yeah. I so did not want you to see that.
JOY: That's not the result of a stolen credit card shopping spree. That's the Oh Boyo Pollo chicken suit that Cora wears when she works at Oh Boyo Pollo.
HZ: She's so ashamed because she has a job?
JOY: Yeah, it's very shameful to have a job in Neptune.
HZ: And to work at it every day? Because, cut to Veronica dropping Cora off after a successful trip to the outlet mall, and then she calls Oh Boyo Pollo pretending to be the vocational ed coordinator at the school, and she's like, "Oh, could you tell me what hours Cora works? Oh, on Sundays as well?" And she's like, "Wow, she's just working all the time," which means she couldn't have done this credit card fraud.
JOY: Yeah, yeah, she's too busy to go shopping.
HZ: So she's exonerated.
JOY: Jackie talks to Veronica, she says Cora's "not the brightest bulb on the bush". And my question to you is—what bush?
HZ: Is it when you drape Christmas lights on the foliage?
JOY: Just feels like a very particular choice, that's all.
HZ: Jackie's terribly rude about her one friend. Again, like we found earlier this season, Jackie's likable and then the show's like, "Oh no you don't!"
JOY: Oh no you don't, don't you dare like any girl except Veronica Mars, that's the only girl in Neptune who you're allowed to like. Except dead ones, you can like dead ones too.
HZ: So then Veronica goes to investigate this other entry on the credit card statement, Consolidated Elemental Industries, and she cruises past the address, and it is Madame Sophie's psychic shop that Jackie's been frequenting. Veronica goes in and pokes around, Madame Sophie's busy, and she's like, "Vanilla candles from Tricky Wicks? Hmm."
JOY: So, Veronica hangs out with Jackie, and she's like, "I've narrowed it down, this psychic stole your credit card info. But how?" Jackie's like, “Well, because I pay for my psychic readings with a credit card. My grandma died two years ago and it's very soothing to go talk to this medium, a lot.” And she's like, "What's your secret shame?" And Veronica's like, "My secret shame is that I bought a product called 'Mamma-Max'," which is a boob enhancer, a topically applied boob enhancer, when she was a freshman in high school. So now Jackie knows something about Veronica, she has a little bit of ammunition, which is not going to go well.
HZ: It's sad because, in this scene, they seem like friends. Jackie's sitting on Veronica's floor with Backup's head on her knee, and Veronica's lounging on her bed, so they seem comfortable with each other, at last. They go off to Jackie's house, and Jackie has been TiVoing Madame Sophie's TV show Answers from Angels, which according to Jackie everyone at the school watches except Veronica. Jackie's TiVo list also includes Cupid, another Rob Thomas show, and a show called Sunset and Vaughn, which is a show within the show Cupid.
JOY: Oh my god.
HZ: And it also includes Celebrity Boners and Gaffes, and I haven't seen Cupid, so is it possible that Celebrity Boners and Gaffes is a show within Sunset and Vaughn within Cupid?
JOY: When you say ‘Celebrity Boners’...
HZ: ‘Celebrity Boners and Gaffes’, that's the title of this show. I assume they mean ‘boners’ as in slipups, not boners. They wouldn't necessarily be able to televise celebrity boners.
JOY: I just googled ‘Celebrity Boners and Gaffes’ -
HZ: No, no — no Jenny! Delete all the cookies!
JOY:There is a seemingly endless list of articles from mostly BuzzFeed, In Touch, some other websites and news outlets. Here are some sample article titles: "Celebrities who've had erections during sex scenes". "31 celebrity bulges that went hard in 2015". "The 21 most important celebrity bulges of all time". "Boner alert! Nine celebrities who have had boners in public". "Boner alert! Make America bulge again".
HZ: Argh.
JOY: "13 celebrity dudes who aren't afraid to show off their goods". I've googled it, so you don't have to.
HZ: Thanks, Jenny.
JOY: Ugh. You're welcome.
HZ: How do you know I hadn't already? (I hadn't.) So no gaffes, just boners?
JOY: No gaffes, just boners.
HZ: Gaffes are less popular than boners, I guess. So in Madame Sophie's show, there's a set with big glowing neon hands like we saw at her shop, and she's saying, "Someone here has lost a friend before their time," and a girl comes up to the stage crying. This is Michelle, who Veronica gets the bus message off later, and she's like, "My friend Rhonda was on the bus." And behind Jackie, in the distant corner of the room, there's just red light coming from no source. And I noticed several different points this episode there are blobs of red light around—at the Fennels’, in the Mars living room...
JOY: Don't ask questions about light sources in Neptune, Helen, you should know better by now.
HZ: It's messages for us! So Veronica and Jackie's brilliant plan is that Veronica will go on Madame Sophie's show and expose her as a fraud.
JOY: And in order to prep for this she finds the girl who was just featured at school. She talks to her. That's how she gets the voicemail from the bus, which sounds like there's an explosion that happens, or a couple bangs.
HZ: And also she finds out that this girl had basically told all of her life history to a plant. So Veronica makes sure to do the same.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: Apparently, the dead are looking out for the shallow. I, on the other hand, am here for emotional guidance from dead-before-his-time Uncle Roger, who I gushed about ad nauseum to crazy big-haired lady with the rhinestone glasses.
MADAME SOPHIE: I need someone in the audience to help me do this. An R. Someone is looking for an R. He was special to you. Took you places. Made things for you.
VERONICA: That's my Uncle Roger.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: That's it, lady. Dig your own grave.
HZ: What I thought was weird is that before, Sophie's on stage and she hugs a girl and she's like, "You'll do just fine at the baton-twirling tryouts." She's a psychic, she's not a clairvoyant. So I call bullshit.
JOY: Well, yeah, there is definitely a lot of bullshit flying around this particular psychic. Once Veronica gets on this show, we're all surprised to hear that Lilly has a message.
MADAME SOPHIE: Wait. I am receiving another voice. A young woman. I see the letter L. She is holding out a flower, a lily. Lilly? She has a message for you. She says, you should have stayed away from her boyfriend.
HZ: What's impressive about this scene, where Veronica is played on live television, is that Wallace is watching at Jackie's, and Duncan and Logan, who have been playing video games together, are also watching dumfounded. So I guess Jackie's right that all the kids at school do watch.
JOY: It seems weird that they would all do that and Veronica wouldn't even know it existed. But here we are.
HZ: Because then:
MADAME SOPHIE: Wait...wait...she has something else to tell us.
WALLACE: This can't be happening.
MADAME SOPHIE: Something about...infomercials? She says to be happy with your own body. You...don't need the...Mamma-Max? Veronica.
HZ: Veronica realizes she's being played by Jackie. That's not subtle, is it? Something only Jackie knows. Veronica's going to trace that back easily. It's an evil joke.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: A very effective joke, but evil.
JOY: So, we're to understand the whole thing was just a fabrication? The credit card? This was all a very elaborate setup from Jackie?
HZ: I was wondering that - because why would Jackie send her off to investigate Cora? And why would you see this scene without Veronica in it, or witnessing it, where Jackie's credit card is declined?
JOY: Right.
HZ: But then the plot is just dropped, like you never hear anything about it beyond that. But you do have the repercussions of this. So firstly, Veronica hatches a revenge plot, which is to play the bug footage of Terrence Cook and Lamb revealing his sports fraud at the homecoming dance, which is this Friday. And she's burning a CD and labelling it ‘Homecoming Request’ and she's going to get Corny, who's DJing, to play it. That's not cool. Why does she think this is a cool plan? Then Wallace shows up and they have an argument.
WALLACE: What makes you think she -
VERONICA: The boob cream thing! She used to be the only person alive who knew about that! It's time to pick a side, Wallace.
WALLACE: No, Veronica! How about you doing me a favour for once? I'm sure she didn't do it. But, if she did, I'm asking you to let it go.
VERONICA: You know I can't do that.
WALLACE: Well, why does it have to be about you all the time? Look, Jackie's right about one thing. It's your world, I just live in it.
HZ: Which is one of two Frozen foreshadowings in the episode.
JOY: Oh my god. And “hey, how about doing me a favour for once," Wallace says. Wallace is so devastated. His whole life is shook up and he's really disappointed in Veronica not stepping up and taking care.
HZ: Especially as she ought to be a friend who understands difficult parental situations, and the repercussions of a parent having an addiction.
JOY: Yeah. So he's pissed at Veronica, but he's also going to follow up with Jackie and say like, "Did you do this on purpose?" And she admits to it, and he's all pissed because she humiliated his best friend, so he's not going to Homecoming with Jackie. No, he is not.
HZ: And Jackie says, "I just wanted to take Veronica down a peg for tattling on me for having coffee with Dave," who was that guy that we saw her going to Java the Hutt with the other episode. And you think, well, if that was not a big deal, why is it revengable? Because it didn't seem something that Wallace was bothered about.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: But then after the call is over, Jackie reaches into her nightstand and takes out a bottle of pills and stares at them.
JOY: This is not great.
HZ: All in all, this is an episode where a lot of the people we care about are miserable, and it's not that entertaining.
JOY: If there's one thing I wish I could have taken up more of this episode, been highlighted more, it's Duncan and Logan playing a golf video game, like a really shitty-looking golf video game.
HZ: I have another confession to you, Jenny. I'm actually enjoying Duncan a lot this season. He's pretty sweet. It's nice seeing happy Duncan. They also haven't been quite as erratic with the way that he's written.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: I'm enjoying him. Even him and Veronica are not that nauseating now. And what I think is sweet is that he waits in the parking lot, looking a bit nervous, and when Logan passes - wearing a hoodie that looks normal in an earlier scene, like a normal orange hoodie, but then turns out to be dip-dyed in tar - Duncan is here to make amends.
DUNCAN: So I was thinking. You're an emancipated minor, I'm an emancipated minor. Maybe we should get together Thursday night, chug cough syrup, mug some old ladies?
LOGAN: Oh, golly, I don't know; I was thinking about staying home, making a hope quilt for the lonely.
DUNCAN: A little Hot Shots? Golf tourney? A little room service?
LOGAN: Ah, you're on.
HZ: Do you think if you were two rich teenagers who were emancipated from your parents, video game golf would be your pleasure of choice?
JOY: Well, it's like on one hand I'm thinking, don't you come here to escape? And on the other hand, I'm thinking golf is a pretty rich guy thing to play.
HZ: Right. They're just training themselves up for 30 years time when they're wealthy, middle-aged dudes, hanging with same. I'm really pleased to see this. Logan could really use the friend. They're having a happy time.
JOY: But brief, because now we must go to Homecoming, of course.
MR WU: As you know, Homecoming season is upon us.
VERONICA: Much like the plague.
MR WU: Each homeroom will nominate one boy and one girl.
HZ: They're in the classroom of Mr Wu, who I think we last saw in episode 20 of season one, where Veronica's switching phones with that terrible man who I hate. And he's got loads of busts of American presidents around the room, and he's perching on his desk talking to the students, and there's a bust of Abraham Lincoln just staring directly at his butt.
JOY: Nice.
HZ: And so Veronica nominates Wallace. I think she thinks that'll cheer him up, but instead he looks just even more miserable.
JOY: This is like the worst thing you could do to somebody who's having a bad day.
HZ: She's really not reading the Wallace at all.
JOY: No.
HZ: Then there's a quick cut to history class, which is pissy Mrs Murphy's class, and Mandy, whose dog was stolen last season, is there. And there's also a bitchy caucasian girl with long, shiny brown hair who turns out to be The Ashley One; but don't get attached, she's just there to be rude in this bit. And Jackie's there, too, and she's just eye-rolling the whole time.
JOY: Right, right. Corny very thoughtfully nominates Veronica:
CORNY: I'd like to nominate Veronica Mars.
ASHLEY: Like ironically?
CORNY: Yeah! She's badass, smoking hot and overall nice to come home to.
LOGAN: Hmm. Zippy the Pinhead with a smashing idea.
ASHLEY: My ass would make a better Homecoming queen.
MANDY: We should nominate Veronica. She deserves it. Remember when she helped me find my dog? She was totally nice to me even though we barely knew each other. Plus she found Polly the parrot last year.
LOGAN: Veronica Mars! Saving the world, one pointless act at a time.
MANDY: Veronica's so good at helping people. If you ever need any help, you should ask her.
JOY: I guess it's The Ashley One who says, "My ass would make a better Homecoming queen." Question—what? Also, this is more unfounded Veronica Mars hate. It's just so fucking goofy.
HZ: There's a big distance between that and Mandy going, "Ah, she found my dog!"
JOY: Oh god, Mandy. Why didn't you stay lost?
HZ: Logan references Zippy the Pinhead, that's the insult he tosses back over his shoulder at Corny, and that's a character from underground comic books in the 1970s, so it's not completely implausible that Logan would have had those, but it felt more plausible to me that the writers would have had those during their actual childhoods contemporaneously.
JOY: Uh, yeah. Yeah, that flew right past me.
HZ: Back to the classrooms for the official nominations. The nominees for king include Duncan and Wallace. Wallace is the mayor of Neptune, so this could work, but Duncan did sweep a vote last season, so that's potentially a very tight race. Veronica, however, has not been nominated for queen. Mandy looks devastated. Logan has a quip:
LOGAN: Well, there's always winter carnival. Veronica can be an ice princess!
JACKIE: Can we skate on her?
HZ: That's another Frozen-prefiguring reference. Also pretty mean of Jackie - but then she and Logan smile flirtatiously at each other. And I thought, well, it does kind of make sense, them two having an ultra-short-term fling, because they are both sexpeople and they are both chaos merchants. Which means it would probably just absolutely blaze out within about three weeks, and then they would be so cruel to each other.
JOY: Think of all the poor lamps that would suffer the consequences of their vile union.
HZ: I think they'd be more than tilted. I noticed also in the scene with Duncan and Logan in the parking lot that an extra walks past wearing a very normal jeans and long-sleeved t-shirt outfit, and then with a gigantic gold belt slung over it. Do you remember, in 2005 era, there were a lot of no-function belts around?
JOY: Yes. Yes, it was a dark time.
HZ: Well, it was a bright time, because of all the gold.
JOY: A dark time for belt functionality.
HZ: Later, Veronica and Duncan are having room service hamburgers served under big silver domes in his hotel room.
VERONICA: It's weird that you live here. I don't want you going all Howard Hughesy on me.
DUNCAN: I am not a shut-in. These nails? Neatly trimmed. Though, now that you mention it, I have started bottling my own urine.
HZ: I'm here for an eccentric piss-bottling Duncan.
JOY: Sure, yeah. Somehow these Howard Hughes references are way more charming than "dim sum and then some".
HZ: Yeah, I prefer it when they don't flirt, really.
JOY: Duncan asks - well, Duncan forgot to ask Veronica to Homecoming, but I guess they're going together?
HZ: Are you only allowed to go to Homecoming if a man asks you?
JOY: No - I don't think it's about being allowed, but I think it is about do you want to go alone?
HZ: Do you want to go heteronormatively?
JOY: Helen.
HZ: Jenny.
JOY: The dance.
HZ: It's going to be hard to beat the 80s dance from last season.
JOY: But what if I told you that Veronica is wearing a dress that has a matching jacket that is even tinier than Jackie's weird cardigan from the last episode? It is basically just sleeves that attach at the back.
HZ: Jackie has a couple of horrific cropped cardigans this episode too. There's one that's just like a blue tie-dyed bra with sleeves, and there's another that's like a chunky grey tea cosy, but it only covers the arms and the boobs.
JOY: No!
HZ: So if you're cold enough to wear a chunky sweater, but you've got a very warm stomach, it's the perfect garment.
JOY: Very warm midriff.
HZ: Veronica's evening bolero is like the formal web version of the tiny jackets.
JOY: True to form, true to style.
HZ: She and Keith have some real fun dance pre-party chat by playing him Rhonda's voicemail.
JOY: Whee! Party time!
VERONICA: There are people out there who think this crash is your fault.
KEITH: Let them think that. At least for now, Veronica. If that sound is an explosion, not only were those kids murdered, but the guilty party is still at large. That evidence can't go public if we want this investigation to stay ahead of the -
VERONICA: What investigation? You think Lamb is going to solve this? The only way the killer gets put away is if you win the election.
HZ: They're interrupted by the arrival of Duncan in a suit.
VERONICA: Don't wait up.
KEITH: Tell Wallace I'm pulling for him.
DUNCAN: Hm. Not feeling the Mars family love. Tough crowd.
VERONICA: Oh, come on. It's like rooting for the Yankees.
HZ: Can you explain to me, Jenny, what this Yankees reference is?
JOY: Keith is saying he's rooting for Wallace to win Homecoming, and Duncan's like, "What the hell? I'm right here!" Veronica says, "It's like rooting for the Yankees," basically, "Duncan, everything has been handed to you, you always win everything, so we're gonna root for the underdog, Wallace."
HZ: So it's just too mainstream, really, to support Duncan.
JOY: Yeah. And the Mars household is, you know, an underdog household.
HZ: Keith calls after Veronica, "Hey, do you want this 'Homecoming Request' CD you burned?" And she decides not to take it, and I think it's good that she has decided against her revenge plan, because typically Veronica's revenge plans have been pretty toxic in the past. And what's to be gained? And also, we don't see any DJing, we just see live music from The Faders.
JOY: They're a fun band, but nobody wants a band at Homecoming, unless it's like a wedding band that knows all of today's hits.
HZ: Yeah, or all of hits from a few years ago. The slightly retro hits.
JOY: Yes, yes.
HZ: Veronica and Duncan are dancing and looking super happy, and then when there's a slow dance number they're having a romantic time until she spots, across the room, that Jackie and Logan are dancing together.
JOY: This will not stand, man.
HZ: Veronica's the only woman in Neptune.
JOY: That's right, it's often been said.
HZ: She pulls Jackie off Logan, and Jackie's looking and sounding kind of blurry.
JOY: Yeah, Jackie's looking pretty fucked up.
VERONICA: Jackie! Jackie. If you want to lock horns with me, duck and charge. But if you think I'm going to let you break Wallace's heart for sport, you have grossly underestimated my wrath.
JACKIE: God, Veronica. What is your problem? You really can't make up your mind, can you? Just - pick one of them! God! How many guys here do you expect to want only you?
JOY: And Jackie's echoing things we've said many times on this podcast. “Veronica, pick one.” It doesn't feel like it's about Logan. It feels like it's about Wallace.
HZ: Yeah.
JOY: Even though, Jackie, we would usually agree with you here, I think this feels more like protective than jealous.
HZ: Yeah, but it doesn't matter because Wallace looks really sad and he fucks off and Veronica tries to follow him, but he's off. He's gone. He's going with his dad in the car across the desert.
JOY: And that is the bleak ending of this episode.
HZ: Where's the pick-me-up?
JOY: I don't know.
HZ: We saw Backup briefly. Just imagine Backup is snoozing with his head on your knee.
JOY: Ah, yes. Well, perhaps we can gain some levity by asking, as we always do, some legal and Southern Californian questions of our resident person who knows things, Lo Dodds, for this week's LoDown.
THE LODOWN
HZ: Is it illegal to be a fraud-y psychic?
LO DODDS: Yes, it's fraud. Yeah, I mean, a lot of people have gone down for this, but it's very hard to prove.
HZ: But if, like Veronica, you've got proof that there's an audience plant, and also a Jackie deliberately making you look stupid, that would surely be some evidence that the psychic was a fraud.
JOY: What charges could you bring against somebody who reveals on TV that you have ordered a Mamma-Max?
LO DODDS: That's the problem with defamation. You really need to prove your damages. So, embarrassment of Veronica is is one thing, but she would actually have to prove that she lost some sort of money as the result of this. And that's the thing about fraud in general, like with psychics or megachurches or whatever, you have to show that you've given away some money based on that false statement or something.
HZ: So it's only money, not shame. Could we make punking illegal?
JOY: Yeah.
LO DODDS: Sure.
HZ: It's horrible.
JOY: Life is hard enough. Could we talk about Terrence Cook?
LO DODDS: Yeah, yeah.
JOY: I need to understand. Lamb has a guy in a holding cell who has given him some information about Terrence Cook and his gambling debt, but also Terrence Cook throwing baseball games, so that other people who were betting on the games would benefit.
LO DODDS: Yes, I have nicknamed those people the Cliffside Tattlers in my notes.
JOY: Yes, beautiful, the Cliffside Tattlers. First of all, what's going to happen to this guy in this holding cell?
LO DODDS: When the police arrest you, they have the discretion to arrest you and send that arrest record to the DA, or they can keep that arrest record and instead they do what's called an information record or report, and that is the deal memorializing that these people have agreed to be your confidential informants. And in exchange you are not going to press charges; you're not going to arrest them. If it doesn't work out, and they don't give you the information they were supposed to give you, or they run away, you can then send the arrest record to the D.A. and say, OK, charge these people.
JOY: How do you prove that somebody lost a baseball game on purpose?
LO DODDS: It's not easy, but it can be done. There are a lot of people that have been charged with this. Terrence Cook is, I think, doing a little homage to Pete Rose here, because Pete Rose was famously banned from baseball for betting, for gambling, and his big thing was he always said, "I never bet on baseball". And then it turned out he did bet on baseball. And he's like, "Well, never as a player". OK, then that turned out not to be true, and so I don't know if that's what Terrence's doing here, but Pete Rose and Shoeless Joe Jackson and the rest of the White Sox who tried to throw the 1919 World Series, there's been a bunch of people. They prove it by the money trail, and then there's witness testimony. So other players come forward, or other people lower in the gambling rung come forward and testify that this is what went down, and then the police can follow the money. But they don't usually get any jail time. So athletes themselves tend to get banned from their sport. They can never be admitted to the Hall of Fame, which is what Lamb's little comment is there, but then they turn on all of their other people so they don't get jail time.
JOY: Just trying to set myself up for my future game-throwings, for financial gain. I want to make sure that I can cover my tracks.
LO DODDS: A lot of time it's just shaving points, so they just don't score as much. But the case of the 1919 World Series, that was a ton of speculation because basically the baseball player was amazing, and then was crap during that game.
JOY: Everybody has bad days. Prove it.
LO DODDS: That is what people say now. People are trying to campaign to get Shoeless Joe Jackson into the Hall of Fame or whatnot. They said it was all speculation.
JOY: Sheriff Lamb you know him - he said that if a DUI had appeared on Ed Doyle's record, that he would never have been hired by the school district. But that DUI was from 1989. Would that be on his record in perpetuity?
LO DODDS: No. DUIs only stay on your record in California for ten years. And, follow-up: if you're a sheriff, shouldn't you know that?
HZ: He doesn't give a shit though.
LO DODDS: No, he doesn't. He doesn't.
HZ: And he receives this bug, that is a bug. And he's like, "Ooh, a charming paperweight gift from Jake Kane." Are sheriffs allowed to accept gifts? Especially gifts that might have a bug in them?
LO DODDS: Yeah, so this is probably another reason why they're not allowed to accept gifts. This would be a department policy. So I talked to my dad about this, and apparently his police department did have a policy that police were not allowed to accept anything of value as a gratuity. So, depending on whether you could say this crappy bug was something of value, but yeah, he probably shouldn't be accepting gifts from someone, especially as an elected official.
HZ: And then, if you do manage to give a sheriff a bugged bug as a present, is it a worse crime to bug a sheriff than it is to bug a non-sheriff person?
LO DODDS: Yeah. Wiretapping is one of those offences that can be charged as a misdemeanour or a felony. So in this case, considering Veronica did bug the police department, and the type of information she would've been privy to and considering her history, well, she doesn't really have a record at this point, we think, but she might be charged as a felon. So she'd get about three years for this and a hefty fine.
HZ: I mean, now that you mentioned it, she had her 18th birthday between season one and season two, and, until now, she hasn't been working for Mars Investigations, so she's been in much less danger of racking up some criminal charges.
LO DODDS: Exactly. Yeah, she needs to keep her nose clean. And honestly, I'm not sure that we know that Veronica has no record as a juvenile, or whether she's just always had, I mean, she had Cliff bail her out that time, so she's got to have something on her record. So that would make it more likely that this would be charged as a felony. I mean, she's not really going to get three years, but that's a potential sentence.
JOY: Do you think that charges could compound if she, let's say she bugged Lamb, but somebody else bugged Sacks, right? But they thought, if they caught Veronica and they were like, "We're going to charge you with both of these," and then Veronica was like, "I bugged the sheriff, but I did not bug the deputy."
LO DODDS: Oh my god, the effort! The effort for that setup!
JOY: I just really wanted to make it happen. No one need respond.
LO DODDS: No, no, no! This is worse than reverse-engineering Lamb's campaign slogan so that the bug would be appropriate.
HZ: Well, Jenny, in this parade of sadness, were there any lines that particularly delighted you?
JOY: You know what I loved: when Keith said, "Your father's campaign is riding on a gravy train with biscuit wheels."
HZ: That also delighted me as well. Although, of course, in Britain, biscuits are a very different substance. You do not eat them with gravy.
JOY: So you wouldn't want to put British biscuits with gravy, right?
HZ: No, although they'd stand up to gravy well, because they tend to deal with moisture well. But taste-wise, a dubious combination. But I like that he's extended the image of a gravy train and added sides.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: I liked it when, in the classroom, when Corny has nominated Veronica to be Homecoming queen, and Mandy's like, "Yes, please! Remember when she saved my dog, and remember episode 17 when she found Polly the parrot? And remember in episode 7 when Jessica Chastain went missing? Amaaazing!!" Basically recapping season one.
JOY: Oh god.
HZ: And Logan says, "Veronica Mars, saving the world one pointless act at a time." He's just thinking of the single episode arcs, though. He's not concentrating on the series long arcs where she does some very valuable work.
JOY: Right.
HZ: And what's your overall score for this?
JOY: I feel like important things happen, but it's not very balanced. Like, it's a little too dark to really fully enjoy.
HZ: Yeah.
JOY: So I'm gonna give this episode three 12-inch by four-inch by four-inch cylindrical vanilla-scented candles from Tricky Wicks.
HZ: Ack. I can't stand things that smell of vanilla.
JOY: I didn't know, but I'll file that away, and try to avoid offending your nose in the future.
HZ: It goes with this episode, Jenny. I thought it was a bit frustrating that you had this Jackie credit card plot that just goes all over the place. We don't get any satisfaction or closure from this plot. So really all we get is a demonstration that Jackie's really mean, and insecure. And the show has already been demonstrating that to us over and over again. But I was pleased to see Corny, and some of the other bit-part players. My heart hurt, of course, to see all the Fennels and Keith having a shit time. So I'm gonna give this 2.8 tiny ornamental chairs that sit on the Mars kitchen counter next to the coffee machine.
JOY: Wow. I've definitely got to get a better look at that.
HZ: Well, that was this episode of Veronica Mars investigated.
JOY: Case closed.
HZ: That was Veronica Mars Investigations season 2 episode 5 Blast From the Past. When you think about it, ‘Blast From the Past’ is not a super tasteful title when you're talking about voicemail footage of an explosion that killed people.
JOY: Oh my God. Watch season 2 episode 6 and join us in a week to investigate it.
HZ: Find the show on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook at @VMIpod.
JOY: The website where the show practices its electronic golf swing is vmipod.com.
HZ: And on there you can find links to our merch; you can see the collection of cards Jenny has lovingly made over the series so you can identify all of the awful rich people of Neptune, because they just blur into one big wad of horrible money after a while.
JOY: I'm Jenny Owen Youngs, and if you want to hear more of my voice, you can hear me talk a lot about another petite blonde protagonist over on Buffering the Vampire Slayer, my other podcast. Or you could visit jennyowenyoungs.com and listen to me sing, sing, sing, sing, sing and aspire to be half the performer Wallace is.
HZ: Well, maybe if you try stacking shelves at the same time, whilst having an extreme emotional event occur?
JOY: Oh yeah.
HZ: I'm Helen Zaltzman and you can hear my other podcasts, The Allusionist and Answer Me This, at the various pod places. And both those shows are unconnected to current events. So if you're looking for some escape from current events, those are those.
JOY: This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman.
HZ: The music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs.
JOY: The sheriff of this town is Hrishikesh Hirway.
HZ: The show is distributed by PRX.
JOY: Until next time—who's your daddy?
HZ: Who's your daddy? Did he ruin your plot to bug the sheriff?
JOY: Or did he rack up $3 million dollars in gambling debt? I'm not sure.