VMI 2.13 Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough transcript
Listen to this episode at VMIpod.com/2-13
JOY: Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes storylines concerning murder, gambling, violence, drugs and my literal least favourite one of all the ones: transphobia.
A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
It’s Neptune High’s winter carnival, to raise money for the school trip - but someone has stolen all the cash!
Who could it be? Weevil? While he’s taking his adorable niece around the funfair?
Jackie?? In the very brief moment when she’s not being plunged into a tank of cold water by vengeful students?
Logan??? No - he’s off flirting with the latest cute Neptune blonde girl Hannah, stealing her cotton candy and her heart, but with ulterior motives.
Random guy JB who really wants that Kane scholarship and just Veronica is standing in his way????
At least it’s definitely not Terrence Cook: he’s at the Mars office getting drunk with Keith, safe from being accused of more crimes but not safe from Keith’s ruthless detectiving.
JOY: All snuggling with that chick from Ghost World, I’m Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: And draining the ball pit, I’m Helen Zaltzman.
You’re listening to Veronica Mars Investigations Season 2 Episode 13: Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough.
JOY: The biggest title reach so far, I think, maybe?
HZ: It's combining two things: the song and the theme park.
JOY: They are just the laziest titlers.
HZ: How can you say that, Jenny? Two references that don't make any sense!
JOY: Wow.
HZ: Well, I suppose there's a mountain, and there's drugs, which get you high.
JOY: Right.
HZ: That's all. Carnival! Carnivals are supposed to be fun, aren't they, Jenny? Fun, fun, fun, what a fun episode, all at the school carnival. What fun. Fun times. Good times. Fun.
JOY: Uhh. Mmm. Err...
HZ: Is this the only Veronica Mars episode that has taken place within a 24-hour timespan? Because usually you're like, "How many years have elapsed?"
JOY: Right. Especially with all the flashbacking and everything.
HZ: The only non-carnival stuff is Keith and Terrence Cook at the Mars office, investigating why Terrence Cook is a suspect in the bus crash murder. It's interesting seeing the two sides of Keith: the sportsball fanboy who just loves Terrence Cook and has so many boring anecdotes to tell at him, which Terrence Cook is very nice and tolerant of -
JOY: Oh, Helen. You be nice to Keith.
HZ: He's adorable - but then also it's less adorable because Keith's like, "I worship you, you are so wonderful, this game really made my life, but now I'm going to weasel some information out of you."
JOY: These are two very real aspects of Keith's truth. He is a sportsball fan, and he is a natural born detective. He can't turn either facet of himself off.
HZ: Not even when he's had some beers. It's quite nice spending this time with them because at least at Mars HQ, there is no carnival music. But the rest of the episode, a lot of that [hums ‘Entrance Of The Gladiators’, replacing final two notes with "murder-clowns"].
JOY: Helen, tell me all the ways in which carnival music has hurt you over the years.
HZ: Mainly just that one. Sort of aggressively cheerful.
JOY: OK, OK.
HZ: The first theory for Terrence's implication in this crime involves the incorporation of Neptune, which means I can't understand it; my brain doesn't take in incorporation Jenny, or plots hinging thereupon.
JOY: Right, right, right. It's, you know, just some kind of like legislate-y, real estate-y, the rich get richer, and... The real issue with incorporation is that there would be a straight-up Neptune PD, and the Sheriff's Department and thus Lamb would be bumped down the police ladder in terms of regional importance. So that would make Lamb very cranky. We know he likes to feel very important: flexing, doing shirtless reps in front of the mirror, etc.
HZ: Why doesn't he just become a stripper?
JOY: Dude.
HZ: It's what he wants.
JOY: He's already got the outfit. He just needs to have it tailored to be tearaway. He would probably be so much more fulfilled.
HZ: Exactly. He wants admiration, and yet he's chosen a job where most people are going to hate you even if you're doing it well, which he's not.
JOY: It's true.
HZ: But that makes sense. Thank you very much for explaining it to me. The thing is, people think I'm smart, but I'm not.
JOY: No, no, no, no, no. You're very, you are very smart, you just don't care about some things -
HZ: And that.
JOY: - and can't be forced to, and I endorse that, Helen.
HZ: So I guess the scheme, as he's first portraying it - when they're not even that buzzed yet, I don't think the beers are out - is that because he's Woody's ally that would make incorporation a greater possibility, which would make Lamb further down the ladder, therefore Lamb has to scupper Terrence.
JOY: And there's like baseball and cellphone fragments that have been found in the bus driver's body, so they think Terrence, who was signing some baseballs and stuff, planted a bomb in a duffel bag that was on the bus and then detonated it by calling the cellphone that was inside. Is this a way that bombs go off, with cell phones ringing?
HZ: Yes.
JOY: OK, I accept that.
HZ: But couldn't they just investigate this plan forthwith by finding out who supplied the balls on the day that he was signing them? Was it him; or was it Woody; or were they just at the stadium; or did the people bring them with? So I'd imagine Terrance couldn't sneak a bomb in there while people were just distracted by a butterfly on the other side the room for a second. But anyway, that's some bullshit, isn't it?
JOY: Yes.
HZ: So he needs Keith to prove it did not make a call detonating a bomb.
JOY: I don't know how Keith is going to do this, but, Helen, and you know what helps when you have an insurmountable task? Making it fucking Miller time. Let's add beers to this equation.
HZ: Wouldn't help me, Jenny; it would make me sleepy and also invoke my booze allergy.
JOY: And allergic.
HZ: Yeah.
JOY: We see where Veronica gets some of her shaping-the-world-around-Veronica's-will powers, because Keith is like, "In order for us to have this conversation about me taking your case, you're going to need to fulfil some longtime fantasies of mine, sharing a cold one with my favourite ballplayer." And then they're going to play catch in the parking lot later?
HZ: Oh, I would pay for that bonus footage.
JOY: Yeah, I am bummed that it didn't make it into the ep.
HZ: So Keith's like, "Terrence, you means so much to me when I was a junior cop in Fresno - but tell me about Miss Dumas who you were having an affair with him." So the buddy stuff is just a little bit of cheese in the mousetrap.
JOY: Little bit of cheese in the Mars trap.
HZ: Mars trap! Oh, Jenny, beautiful work.
JOY: So, OK, so we learn, gosh, for a character who was in one episode, Miss Dumas's legacy is really... She casts a long shadow. We find out that she told Terrence Cook's fiancée about the fling, thus ending their relationship. Yeah?
HZ: And let's remember, she's not here to speak for herself.
JOY: Oh, true.
HZ: So we've just got Terrence's words saying, "Oh, Miss Dumas, she seemed cool when I was cheating on my fiancé with her, but then she went all Fatal Attraction, so it's all her fault.” You can't trust women, Jenny. Look what women will do.
JOY: No. God, no. Oh my god. Steer clear.
HZ: When they're dickmatised, there's no stopping them. She probably blew up the bus herself just to implicate him.
JOY: Just by virtue of being a woman. That sounds pretty plausible.
HZ: We could just blow up the bus with our ovaries.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: You know how it goes.
JOY: I really do.
HZ: That, I'm surprised, is a theory that has not being espoused in this episode.
JOY: I used my cell phone to call another cell phone, thus detonating my ovaries, which were in the gym bag in the seat behind the driver. Kaboom!
HZ: They only go off when I'm wronged. But as they get deeper into the beers, it's like sports achievement, loved it, sport, sport, we all love sport, and Terrence is like, "This is great, gotta go home," and Keith's like, "Sure, good hang - come clean though."
JOY: So intense. Such an intense guy.
HZ: Do you think he's even been drinking beer at all or he'd replaced his with cold tea, just to stay sharp?
JOY: I wouldn't be surprised if he had the wherewithal to do that. That would be pretty crafty, classic Keith.
HZ: Then there's a lot of business in one conversation. Leslie is Miss Dumas's first name, I guess? She knew things that meant it was necessary for Terrence to keep her on side.
JOY: Ah, OK.
HZ: Whereas the fiancée, I mean, just fuck her, whatever she wants and whatever she thinks.
JOY: Sure, sure, sure.
HZ: Miss Dumas was at his place when two Fitzpatrick goons broke in, and Leslie overheard something that would ruin Terrence: no endorsements, no Hall of Fame. She would sell the story to a magazine. What could possibly be that bad, Jenny?
JOY: Well, Terrence Cook threw a game. He lost a game deliberately in order to erase millions in gambling debt.
HZ: I wonder how much you do get paid for throwing a game?
JOY: I don't know, I mean, I guess millions? And Keith is not mad, he's just disappointed. He's so disappointed.
HZ: Well, apropos of what you said about the Marses having this sort of solipsistic streak, that they are the centre of the world and everything else is just in their imaginations, created by them, he's like, "I would have been at that game you threw, except for Veronica had chickenpox."
KEITH: I’m glued to the TV with my jersey and my foam finger, a grown man. Pretty silly, huh? You know what’s even more silly? The superstitious fan in me. I thought we lost that game because I wasn’t there. I even felt a little guilty, like I let you guys down. I thought, “there’s always next year.” You guys never made it back.
JOY: Maybe the English sports culture is different because in America, I think it's very common for individual fans to be like super superstitious about presences at games, and that having an impact on wins and losses.
HZ: That's just conceited.
JOY: I was gonna say like culty and scary.
HZ: I just like to keep my ego down and think I'm insignificant in this world - except for making it worse, for which I apologise.
JOY: Yeah, well, making it worse by letting your team lose by not being at their game.
HZ: Well, you know how I keep things safe is just by abstaining, not having a team.
JOY: Sure, sure, sure, wise, a good move.
HZ: To minimise my negative impact. It's the least I can do.
JOY: It is the least you could do, Helen. Keith, he's taking Terrence's case, for $50 an hour plus expenses, because Terrence Cook has told him everything, and he believes that Terrence Cook wouldn't kill a bus full of kids.
HZ: The evidence seems like a bit of a stretch, that it would have been Terrence, so I feel like that's an easy statement to make disguised as an emotional statement. I suppose what they're trying to do is wrap as much look-of-guilt around as many people as possible for as many crimes as possible, and keep us going until Episode 22 of this season.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: Swaddle yourself in possibilities.
JOY: Cornucopia of herrings, of all colours.
HZ: You know, they're not solving this case before the season's up. The case has got to last one academic year. So that's happening. And what is also happening is Jackie having an absolutely dogshit time at school because everyone is like, "Bus murderer dad!"
JOY: Dude, I have the same difficulty suspending my disbelief for this as I did for the daughter of the bus driver. I feel like this is not how kids act when something really terrible happens and a finger is being pointed at somebody's parent.
HZ: Yes. Especially because it's still a very tenuous connection. He's not been accused of murder, he's just been taken for questioning. That is all.
JOY: Right. Right, right, right.
HZ: Jackie's having a horrible time this episode, and I am very sad to see it. She's also getting the wrath of Madison Sinclair, who is back this episode. I used to enjoy the occasional bit of Madison venom, but not today; today, she's just there really to be malevolent to people. What is she getting out of it? What does she get out of all of her shit? She's got a great life. Her parents love her.
JOY: A sense of superiority?
HZ: And yet she makes herself miserable by just being a snitch on everything all the time.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: Why is it?
JOY: I don't know. The only thing I do know, Helen, for sure is that she says, "Do I look like I enjoy being covered in white goo?" Giving us a great ejaculate joke. An e-joke-ulate, if you will.
HZ: That itself is a great e-joke-ulate, Jenny. It was worth this episode for this wonderful term. I just hope that you are appreciated in your lifetime.
JOY: Wow, I hope so too. What do you think about Weevil growing his hair out?
HZ: Interesting.
JOY: While we're here at the top of the ep.
HZ: I think it's significant of this big shift that is happening in his life. He's not the head of PCHers anymore. He's got four wheels, not two.
JOY: Mm-hmm.
HZ: He's got a cute niece.
JOY: Mm-hmm. Very cute niece.
HZ: Doesn't have a crew. You know, like other people will be like, "I've had a bad break-up, I'll get a haircut," he had no hair, so he's got to go the other way.
JOY: Right. Right, right, right.
HZ: Another e-joke-ulate, perhaps, is that this episode opens in Ms Hauser's classroom. You know, "You'll die of gonorrhea!"
JOY: Yeah, man, she really hates being a teacher. She hates life.
HZ: It's weird this episode, because she's even meaner than usual, but also like extremely overly-nice to two people, Madison and this guy JB, who I think we haven't really seen before, although fleetingly.
JOY: We have not seen him before, for sure. That Triton photo was definitely photoshopped.
HZ: Are you suggesting that the light on his face was not from the same sources as the other faces? We see Corny a bit as well, and I think Corny is the only happy person in this school.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: Except Wallace, Wallace is also happy. That's why we don't get to see him.
JOY: What do you think is the common thread between Corny and Wallace? Like, what's their happiness overlap? Because I don't think Wallace is smoking weed.
HZ: Corny, it's weed; maybe Corny also has a great mum like Alicia?
JOY: Oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah, maybe Corny has a great mom and Wallace is maybe just high on life?
HZ: Yeah.
JOY: Having a good time.
HZ: Such a pure soul. You're a pure soul, Jenny, you know how it feels.
JOY: Oh my god! You think I'm like Wallace?
HZ: You're the Wallace of this team.
JOY: Wow. OK, I'm going to have to just take some time to metabolise that, Helen, thank you very much.
HZ: Oh, you're very welcome. I'm proud to get say it.
JOY: Oh, this fucking nerd is trying to snake the Kane scholarship from Veronica, who is somehow apparently in the lead?
HZ: No way. No way the Kanes are ever giving Veronica this scholarship.
JOY: In what world? Yeah.
HZ: Is she like a prolific academic genius, because she's not even doing any studying out of school hours, which I'd imagine the other scholars are, judging by what we saw of Sabrina, who was getting the scholarship in season one? Because she's got no time. She's got like a million jobs.
JOY: Well, she's just naturally brilliant, Helen, I think is what we're supposed to think.
HZ: But this wanker is like, "Veronica Mars is my nemesis," and she's like, "I don't even know you." Because she's three-thousandsth of a point ahead.
JOY: This is like that scene in Mad Men where some guy is like, "Hey, Don Draper, I feel sorry for you," and Don Draper is like, "I don't think about you at all." Burn!
HZ: Advantage Draper. But they're all making signs and decorations for the school carnival, which is to raise money for the senior class trip to Catalina, not Magic Mountain where Weevil wants to go, bless him. Is Magic Mountain a real place?
JOY: Yeah, it's Six Flags Magic Mountain, baby, oh yeah!
HZ: So what we see in this scene as they're making these decorations is Chekhov's glitter.
JOY: I love when Chekhov gets into the arts and craft cabinet.
HZ: Madison is blowing glitter off the word "pep", which just seems like an opportunity for Veronica to point that Madison has got something stuck on her nose.
MS HAUSER: What wonderful mountains, Madison!
MADISON: Thank you, Mrs Hauser!
VERONICA: Oh, Madison, you have a little... [Veronica taps the side of her nose.]
MADISON: What? Brown? Because I'm a brown-noser?
VERONICA: No, glitter. Because you're a fairy princess.
HZ: Now, what I find disturbing is Ms Hauser is being super gooey to Madison and JB, so she's like, "Oh, Madison, what a lovely glittery 'pep', so good!"
JOY: Wow.
HZ: And the same with JB, and everyone else she's just like, "Fuck you, fuck you child. Trashy little fuck."
JOY: Wow. Are you trying to tell me that she reminds you of Mrs Bennet? That's the vibe that I'm getting right now.
HZ: Hmm, more Mr Collins.
JOY: OK.
HZ: And then Lady Catherine de Bourgh. That's who she's flipping between.
JOY: Ah, yes.
HZ: Don't you think?
JOY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
HZ: Madison also takes the opportunity to be mean to Jackie, because she's just like a Greek chorus of meanness, and tells her not to go to the carnival. Did Madison just get bored of sniping at Veronica? Is that why she's taking it out on Jackie?
JOY: I think Madison just likes, you know, an available target. Anybody that she can harass, she will harass.
HZ: You would think that carnival was the kind of event where it's teed-up all episode and then you just get it in the third act, but no, carnival is right here, right now.
JOY: It's the whole freaking episode. Look at this penguin statuary!
HZ: I was a bit surprised by the ballpit; I was like, is this a carnival for high schoolers? But no, there's kids there.
JOY: Yep - community carnival.
HZ: Veronica is tending the slushie and snowcone stall. No one is interested, I guess, because it's cold. Leaving her time to chat with Logan, who is wearing argyle.
JOY: Hurray, we can tell it's him.
VERONICA: Slushies! Get your ice cold frozen...sugar water.
LOGAN: You had me at ice cold.
VERONICA: What's your poison?
LOGAN: Emotionally unavailable women. Let's see… I want something that suits my mood.
VERONICA: Oooh, I'm sorry; we're all out of liquid evil.
LOGAN: I'll take two of whatever will turn my tongue blue.
JOY: You know, we talk a lot about Veronica and Logan chemistry, but I'm starting to think that it might just be all about Logan. He just like oozes available chemistry. He got a haircut. He's looking particularly kempt.
HZ: Yes.
JOY: And there's probably a reason. It's probably strategic, because he is on a mission to win the heart of some other blonde girl in Neptune who isn't Veronica, and isn't Madison Sinclair.
HZ: And isn't Kendall. Maybe you're right that getting rid of his frosted tips was part of a strategy to look more clean cut.
JOY: Oh, yeah.
HZ: Logan pays Veronica with a $50 bill. There's a $50 bill this episode. There is also Weevil's niece, who is six years old. She's called Ophelia. Is she the one who had that party with the piñata that they thought might be full of drugs but it wasn't?
JOY: That I cannot confirm, but, gosh, she's freaking cute. What a cute kid.
HZ: Also, she does some good face acting. She doesn't get many lines, but she's just, like, so unimpressed.
JOY: Yeah. And love seeing Weevil be cute with his tiny neice.
HZ: He's like, "What you want, balloons, popcorn, or ice cream?" And she's like, "Balloons, Uncle Weevil, balloons!" And so she gets a balloon and Thumper walks past and punches it and goes, "Oh, sorry, thought that was your head," which seems like a pretty weak sort of joke.
JOY: Also, how are you going to fuck around with a little six-year-old's balloon? Like, go away.
HZ: I'm glad that there's less violence this episode. Dick is also on particularly revolting form this episode.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: His function mainly seems to be making Cassidy miserable, who's there on a date with Mac. They're very into each other, it seems. Having a great time, except for Dick.
JOY: "Canoodle City, population two."
HZ: Dick also calls Mac, "That chick from Ghost World."
JOY: Very nice.
HZ: I assume he's meaning Thora Birch, not Scarlett Johansen.
JOY: Yeah, because Thora Birch had the black hair with like a colour streak, as Mac does in this episode and most episodes.
HZ: I'm surprised Dick has actually seen Ghost World.
JOY: He's probably just seen the poster.
HZ: And then a bunch of things happen at once, including Veronica counting a big pile of cash, Jackie coming over - I think just to take refuge from the rest of the carnival, Ms Hauser's there, JP wants the keys to Ms Hauser's office, and there's some masked streakers and a lot of screaming.
JOY: Also, immediately following this flurry of activity, Wallace refers to Jane as his "special lady friend", while we're just, like, piling up alarming stuff in a heap.
HZ: So I guess things have gone great with Jane since their date after the big game last episode. So all these things seem to be somewhat plot-significant, if you care about the plot this episode.
JOY: Helen does not. Nor do I.
HZ: Don't make me, you can't make me. But primarily among them is that Ms Hauser hands Veronica the cashbox to look after, she puts it into a cupboard in her slushie booth, reopens the cupboard and it's gone. And the other side of the cupboard also opens. Well, well, well, well.
JOY: And they're all like, "There was $12,000 in that box." I'm not convinced that, like - first of all, why are you leaving $12,000 in that one box?
HZ: A very portable box.
JOY: Yeah. And also I'm not convinced that - maybe like very crisp bank bills, that have been like bound and are super clean, would fit? Maybe $12,000 worth, that would fit? But $12,000 worth of twenties? That have been folded in people's wallets?
HZ: That's voluminous.
JOY: Yeah, exactly. That would be some puffed-up money.
HZ: Also, is that like entry money? Because I can't really believe that people are making that much at this early stage of the carnival, which goes on until nighttime, just by buying slushies and playing games. And also, what are the setup costs for a fucking carnival?
JOY: Well, I guess the whole thing is that everybody knows that it's a fundraiser for the senior trip, so it sounds like parents come and deliberately buy a bunch of shit to help fund the... When it's like, OK, you could just give the money. Just give it. Just give me that money.
HZ: Ms Hauser and Clemmons are spending a lot of time together this episode. Are they dating? Are they teeing up them dating? Obviously at the end it's over, but...
JOY: I think Mr Clemmons is above it. I think he's too cool.
HZ: I don't know, he has needs. He's lonely.
JOY: $12,000, by the way, is 600 twenties.
HZ: Fuck.
JOY: Or more, if you're including smaller bills in there. I just have a hard time imagining all that money neatly fitting in that box, when it's been crumpled and then, yeah, OK.
HZ: Detective Youngs calls bullshit.
JOY: Thank you.
HZ: I guess because Veronica feels the finger of blame pointing at her, she immediately offers suggestions for how to stop this cashbox leaving. There are metal detectors. We remember those, from earlier in this series, so no one will be able to leave with the box, but you think: why not decamt the money and then just dump the box?
JOY: Yeah. Stuff those bills into your underwear like you're fucking Lamb, working your dream job, and get the hell out of there.
HZ: But they've already reasoned against my plan, because how would you open the box?
JOY: Mmm. Well.
HZ: Also, what's keeping the cash safe that is taken for the rest of the night, if the box is lost?
JOY: Whoa, how do we contain it? Ms Hauser thinks that Veronica is at fault, Madison is accusing Jackie.
MADISON: We all saw her, lurking around.
JACKIE: Lurking? You mean standing while black?
HZ: It was worth it so that Jackie could say this line, which is very resonant for now. And you know that in 20 years' time, Madison is very much going to be calling the manager.
JOY: Yep, yep, yep.
HZ: Ms Hauser is also just vicious to Jackie.
JOY: Such unteacherly behaviour. But I guess that's all we've ever seen from her, it's just like really amplified and way worse this episode.
HZ: You know, it's not often that we get to see the Neptune that Veronica hates so much, but this episode is making a case for it.
JOY: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
HZ: At least what this does is make Veronica somewhat sympathetic to Jackie, because Veronica, of course, knows what it is to have a parent who is embroiled in a scandal. She's been through it.
JOY: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Perhaps this will bring them closer together. But before that can happen, Logan has to play some hammer frog? At the booth that this blonde girl, Hannah, is working at.
HZ: It's interesting to see Logan's different flirting this episode, because we're used to him wooing with sharp wit, but here is a softer Logan where he's just kind of being cute. Also names a bunny after this girl.
JOY: He says that, but then he says, "Never mind, name it Logan or break my heart," as he like hands it to her. "Here's this bunny I won from your booth."
HZ: It looks like a pretty wrecked bunny as well. Like it's already been through a few childhoods.
JOY: Heard and seen some shit.
HZ: Meanwhile, Veronica seems to have been relieved of her duties at the slushie stall, and she's like, "Oh, hey Weevil and cute niece, wow, great Powerpuff Girls backpack. Touch, touch, touch, is there a cashbox in it, is there a cashbox?"
JOY: Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke.
HZ: Ophelia looks disgusted as Weevil's like, "Just hurry up and search the backpack." Back at the slushie stall, Mac and Cassidy are behind the counter, looking so happy.
JOY: Yes. And Veronica's like, "Have you seen Jackie?" and Beaver's like, "Yeah, I just loaned her a screwdriver, and there she goes with it." Veronica chases after, follows her to the girl's room, listens with her detecting ears, and hears some scraping, and is like, "Surely, Jackie must be using the screwdriver to try to bust open a cashbox." Veronica goes in.
VERONICA: What are you doing?
JACKIE: Changing into my bathing suit.
VERONICA: That doesn't usually require a screwdriver.
JACKIE: No, it usually doesn't.
HZ: She really was changing into her bathing suit. I thought she was doing a funny joke when I first heard it, but no, she's wearing a bikini under her coat, she's taking off her earrings, putting up her hair.
JOY: And scratching out some bullshit somebody wrote about her on the bathroom door. That's what she was using the screwdriver for.
HZ: "Jackie Cook is a [scrape, scrape, scrape]." But that was written in Sharpie, and I was thinking -
JOY: Why not just cross it out?
HZ: Yeah, exactly. Or, there's glitter and glue all over the school.
JOY: Oh, true.
HZ: Turn something bad into something sparkly.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: So she's in the bathing suit because she's on dunk tank duty.
JOY: I hate this for her.
HZ: It's very medieval.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: Jackie sits on a chair above a tub of water and people throw balls at a target, and when they hit the target she plunges in, while they shout shit about her dad. And then it's just this, for hours, just Jackie out in a bikini, in winter -
JOY: Into the night!
HZ: - In cold water. Dunk, dunk dunk.
JOY: Do you know what I love, that this affords us, Helen? I love it! It's Wallace buying a dunk tank ticket and stepping up with the softballs and winding up his arm and being like, "Oh, I'm good at sports, I'm going to fucking nail this," and then just hucking the ball over the wall behind Jackie.
HZ: It sets off a car alarm in the distance. Nice touch.
JOY: Wallace!
HZ: And he does it again, and it's interesting because when you first see it and he seems so enthusiastic, partly because that's his vibe, but also partly it's like there's pain between him and Jackie. And so you wonder what's going through Jackie's mind, is she like, "Oh, he's going to take revenge," and then when he doesn't and he deliberately throws it away twice, the feelings that she must feel.
JOY: The feelings that I feel, Helen!
HZ: Right. Then when Wallace is going to throw again the teacher's like, "Oi, that's enough," as if people like torturing this girl repeatedly was not enough. What the hell?
JOY: Yeah, that's an important part of school spirit, Helen.
HZ: As if this toxicity was not enough, we then get to see Dick bullying Mac and Cassidy again, with two random guys who don't speak. Bullying him about virginity.
DICK: Hey, aren't you gonna introduce us? Wow. You guys are cute. Aren't they? Like gerbils. In love.
CASSIDY: Dick, don't.
DICK: Chill, Beav. I get to give the big brother speech here. Just looking out for you.
MAC: You don't have to worry. He's fine.
DICK: Yeah? In good hands? 'Cause, you gotta take it easy on my bro. You know, if you're gonna pop his cherry, hold back a little.
CASSIDY: You're such an ass!
DICK: Don't go bustin' out any tricks. Gentle and sweet. You don't wanna spook him.
JOY: Oh, there's so much garbage in this episode, Helen.
HZ: I'd love to say this as bad as it gets, but it's not.
JOY: Nope.
HZ: Hannah is evidently off frog hammer duties as well because she gets some cotton candy, and Logan just comes right up and sticks his hands in it. That is very forward.
JOY: Very Logan.
HANNAH: Dude!
LOGAN: Okay. Boy, it sounds so unnatural coming from you.
HANNAH: I say ‘dude’ all the time!
LOGAN: Nope, I don't buy it.
JOY: Yeah, but there's something between them, and it's cotton candy.
HZ: And the word ‘dude’.
JOY: True.
HZ: Which they both use. Which would really have put a spanner in the works, that episode where the pivotal clue is someone using the word ‘dude’.
JOY: Hah! Yeah, so they're all like getting gooey, right? And then we fucking come back to the dunk tank and it's night time. How long is a dunk tank shift, Helen? How long?
HZ: And Jackie's shivering. It's so cold, this is so wrong. And then fucking Madison is there missing the balls, so she just goes over to the lever and she's like, "I told you to stay home," and dunks Jackie with the lever, which is so horrible. And the teacher who wouldn't let Wallace misthrow balls is just like, "Yeah, whatever, sure." And Veronica has a face of concern. But does she do anything? No.
JOY: You know, Helen, in my elementary school, we had a summer festival thing where our principal was in the dunk tank, and I, some way or another, won the privilege of being the first person to get to throw balls to try to dunk my principal, and I missed all three times. And then I did what Madison did, but in a fun way. But watching Madison do this really made me call into question my fifth grade mentality.
HZ: Isn't the point there that the hierarchy is temporarily suspended or subverted?
JOY: Yes.
HZ: Whereas this, it's someone in a superior position in pretty much every way in society being a real shit to someone else.
JOY: Thank you for making me feel better, Helen.
HZ: Yeah.
JOY: About me, not about this episode.
HZ: Veronica is distracted by the ballpit, where Thumper is arguing to be let in. He wants a fluffy snake.
JOY: Hey, we all want a fluffy snake, Helen.
HZ: I've got one, and I understand why he wants one. It's great, it's a good snake. Luckily, Clemmons and Miss Hauser are just behind Veronica, and she's like, "We've got to empty the pit. Go to empty the pit." You think if it was a pointy cashbox in a ball pit, some kids would be crying by now.
JOY: Right? Scraped up and wounded.
HZ: It's much cleaner than I would have thought a ballpit would be once drained.
JOY: Yeah, yeah. But clean though it may be, it does not hold the secret of the missing money. However, Miss Hauser is like, "I don't know why you listen to your students, I don't know why you'd listen to Veronica Mars, muh muh muh muh muh muh muh." But just then, it's revealed that somebody was filming for video yearbook, and they were around filming when the great streak-a-thon missing moneybox mystery of 2006 went down. Thus, it's time to review the video. It's so weird that Clemmons and Miss Hauser are like, "We'll just gather up everyone we think might be a suspect, and we'll all watch the video together. We're not going to review it as adults first, and then go get the appropriate party, should there be one.”
HZ: They've seen Agatha Christie's stuff. They're like, "We just want to cut to the denouement. No one's enjoying this. Let's denouement ten minutes before the end to get this shit done." That's what they're thinking. You can appreciate that, right?
JOY: I can.
HZ: Also, Miss Hauser says, "Veronica Mars, you're just trouble." Drink.
JOY: Drink.
HZ: So who are the suspects called together for the denouement?
JOY: Oh my gosh. Who is it? It's Veronica and Weevil and Jackie and JB and Madison...
HZ: ...Clemmons; Weevil's niece who's just like so over all this shit.
JOY: Oh, can you even believe Miss Hauser saying, "You're not getting away with anything, Jackie, I don't care what your zip code is. Trash is trash"? Can you believe a teacher said that to a student?
HZ: It's really abhorrent. The only good thing is Ms Hauser is geographically equalising, which, we've been told, over the course of the series, that doesn't happen. 09ers are afforded privileges, but maybe Jackie being a Black person counterbalances the 09er privilege? It's all so gross and horrible. There's like several inherently toxic people in this episode. Logan and Hannah, meanwhile, are on a date, or not a date, in a bouncy house, drinking more slushies. How many slushies do you think you could drink in a day?
JOY: It's different when you're a teen, Helen. Firing slushie all day, slushie all night.
HZ: Do you think you could stomach it?
JOY: No.
HZ: Your, at least, second slushie of the day, over cotton candy, whilst on a bouncy house, with some children bouncing?
JOY: Nooo. You're hurting me, Helen.
HZ: But while they're snuggling up, Dick and Madison, who are made for each other as the cruellest people in Neptune, are starting at Mac and Cassidy being happy, and Dick's like, "He's like some neutered eunuch nerd drone." Where you're getting that from?
JOY: He's being like a nice guy.
HZ: Yeah. He seems to be pair bonding, as anthropologists would probably put it. Sex is on the cards. But guess what they're doing, while Madison and Dick glare on.
JOY: They're looking for an escort to hire.
HZ: premierescorts.biz, least favourite of the fake websites of this show so far.
JOY: Yeah. At least it wasn't privates-eyez. I'll see myself out.
HZ: It's not your fault, Jenny. It's not your fault. They drove you to it. Veronica is looking and thinking. She's like, "Flagpole... Flagpole!" Ding.
JOY: Yeah, what? OK.
HZ: Also, how is Veronica allowed out of the denouement room? And Weevil?
JOY: No idea.
HZ: And she remembers who the premier of flagpole events is. So she's like, "Well, Weevil managed to get a car up the flagpole out of school hours, so he must have had access to power tools out of school hours, so he must be able to get into the shop, with the tools, out of hours."
JOY: Next thing you know, they're all in the shop, and Clemmons is cutting locks off of lockers. Oh-ho! Finds a wad of cash with the Chekhov's fucking inscribed $50 bill.
HZ: With ‘Nancy’ on it.
JOY: Uh-huh. And a phone number. And then Clemmons says, "Well, here's a bunch of cash, but” - eyeballing it very briefly for a fraction of a second - “there's only about $3,000 here." Clemmons knows exactly what $3,000 looks like when it's in his hand, which I love.
HZ: There's also a baggie of drugs, or drug-looking items. Ephedrine, we later find out.
JOY: The idea here is that this is $3,000 in cash and $9,000 worth of pills? Totalling $12,000?
HZ: And that someone would have bought the pills on site that evening, because otherwise why would you have gone out and then come back to stash the pills?
JOY: Yeah. What the hell?
HZ: And then they're like, "Whose locker is that? It's Eduardo's locker," and everyone's like, "Eduardo? Do I know an Eduardo...?" And they're like, "Thumper! It's Thumper! That guy with the occasional lines.” Thumper seems to be having such fun at the carnival with his plush snake, that evidently he has won, until he comes face to face with Clemmons and two security people. So he's toast.
JOY: Uh-oh. There's also a little wooden paddle carved with a bunch of numbers.
HZ: Of course.
JOY: Yeah, Veronica's like, "I see code," as she puts it.
HZ: Veronica luckily made copies of the keys to Clemmons's office. Of course she did. Like, why would you think that Veronica couldn't break into his office? Why wouldn't you change the locks if you knew Veronica had ever had the keys?
JOY: Oh my god. The mind reels. I don't know. I don't know, Helen. She xeroxes the paddle.
HZ: I didn't really understand what the big deal was about there being some test of Miss Hauser's in the copy machine already.
JOY: Well, I think he was stealing the test to bring up his grade point average to smoke Veronica in the Kane scholarship.
HZ: Ah, thank you.
JOY: But is your health class score really the thing that's going to, like, vault you in front of...
HZ: 30 percent of the grade.
JOY: All right, OK, all right, Chekhov's fucking exam, whatever. And then she's like, "Hey, Jackie, I'm going to go torture Miss Hauser. Want to watch?" And Jackie's like, "Tight," and they skip off together back to the denouement room.
HZ: Redemption for Jackie. I don't care about the money, I don't care about finding out who stole the money, I just want redemption and revenge for Jackie. I want her to dunk all these fuckers in cold water.
JOY: Right.
VERONICA: We marked your words before, and I don’t know if you know this, but they formed this, like, totally false accusation. I know – yikes! I figured you might welcome the opportunity to apologize.
MS. HAUSER: You didn’t steal the money, I’m sorry.
VERONICA: Totally worth it.
HZ: What it does afford is some fun performance flourishes from Veronica, who's presumably quite tired and sick of all this.
JOY: Understandably. And like the deal here is that Veronica gets JB to confess by threatening to out him as a Triton, and basically get him booted from the Tritons by posting a public photo on like JBs-page.com, which Mac would then make for her.
HZ: Facebook existed in 2006 amongst students.
JOY: This is all very exhausting.
HZ: Is it really that big a deal to be outed as a Triton? Literally six people give a shit.
JOY: Well, the idea with the Tritons, I know you love secret societies and they're your favourite, I think that opportunity comes with Tritonhood. But, hey, who can even dwell on whether this fucking matters or not or we should care about it, because lo! A footprint on yonder fucking glitter floor breaks. Well, what do you know? It's a heel, a sexy little heel. Veronica just scrambles up into the fucking push panels in the ceiling and finds an envelope, whoa, with the other $9,000, maybe?
HZ: Well, if there's not an air vent, then there's a loose ceiling.
JOY: A tale as old as time.
HZ: That is the ways of the Mars-verse. Also, that envelope with $9,000 is not enormous. Clemmons is like, "Ah, this feels exactly, smells exactly like $9,000." So who wears heels at a carnival?
JOY: Well, Miss Hauser does.
HZ: She's been embezzling. She's been scraping money off the top, before she even gave it to Veronica.
JOY: This is not even part of the original missing $12,000. That's what's going on. So there's $9,000 still at large. It's revealed that they will indeed be going to Magic Mountain for their senior trip.
HZ: Revenge!
JOY: And Veronica says, "Hey, they have the Viper ride. Madison, isn't that your mothership?" Which is really well-timed, because Madison is wearing this green kind of like vaguely puffy jacket that has, like, ribbing down the front that kind of looks like a reptile belly. Very nice. Jenny-approved.
HZ: I'm glad something about this episode is Jenny-approved. And Jackie, at last, sounds cheerful. Although I'm worried that she's never going to feel warm again.
JOY: It's very possible.
HZ: And in the parking lot, Dick invites Madison for a quickie, but she's moved on to older men.
JOY: And thus "longies."
HZ: Longies.
JOY: As she puts it.
HZ: No problem, though. Dick is distracted by a be-stockinged leg, propped against a car, attached to a sexy person.
JOY: Yes, this woman is credited as "MILF", I believe?
HZ: I mean, just to put off a little bit longer my very least-favourite thing in this carnival of shit, Logan and Hannah also walk out holding hands, awaiting her ride home, but they're going to have a date on Saturday.
JOY: Hell, yeah, they are.
HZ: And they kiss, chastely, which is out of character for Logan. Maybe this is where you realise that he's on a mission, because he's kissing like he has never kissed before. Whereas we know Logan's a sex person.
JOY: Of course, so he knows how to do it all.
HZ: He's playing a non-sexperson.
JOY: Right.
HZ: He's playing a Duncan in this. That's what he's doing. But they're interrupted by her dad arriving to give her a ride.
JOY: Her dad is the guy who accused Logan of killing Felix, and who stepped in as an eyewitness?
HZ: But a fake eyewitness. And Logan just gently crouches down to wave at him through the window.
JOY: Nothing creepy about that.
HZ: And I was like, well, it's funny that Logan is fucking with this guy, but really not funny that he is manipulating a child to do it, that's really mean and will have significant emotional impact upon her. Fine, then the worst thing that happens this episode, fine Jenny.
JOY: Fine indeed. I... Wow.
HZ: I mean, it's not fine, nothing about it is fine.
JOY: Yeah. It sucks.
HZ: This show still has zero unproblematic representations of LGBTQIA people. Do you want to say it, or shall I?
JOY: Helen, could you say it?
HZ: Dick's car sex ends abruptly as he realises the woman is trans, and he rushes out indignant and disgusted, and Mac and Cassidy are just laughing because this is their prank. So that, also, makes me furious at them, too, because although, of course, it is disgusting that Dick is so transphobic and perhaps also fearful of the idea of him being sexily engaged with someone whom he considers to be a man, that's bad; but also Cassidy and Mac thinking this is a suitable prank, and putting someone in danger of Dick's anger. But he goes to beat up Cassidy, who says this sinister thing.
BEAVER: You hit me and you’ll suffer worse, I promise you. You remember Sally?
JOY: Who the fuck is Sally?
HZ: Whoever it is, Dick backs away looking even queasier.
JOY: I can't remember who Sally is. Helen.
HZ: Oh no, you don't know who Sally is. The implication is Sally is something or someone that Cassidy fucked-up in their off-screen life.
JOY: Ah.
HZ: And Dick knows how fucked-up that would be, otherwise it'd be an empty threat.
JOY: What our reward is, though, for making it through this mostly disgusting sewer trench of an episode, Helen: Weevil's got a hot new ride! Weevil's got $9,000 worth of fucking beautiful green muscle car.
HZ: You remember when Mac got her new car with her sex survey money?
JOY: Yes.
HZ: It was also green. What's that all about?
JOY: Well, it's the colour of money.
HZ: That's a good point. And also, Weevil's car is like the most noticeable car because it's huge. It's this huge retro car.
JOY: Yeah. Yeah, it's beautiful. It's all like vrmmm vrrrrrm vrrrrrmm. Just like his motorcycle.
HZ: It's an Impala.
JOY: It's a Chevy. Impalas are Chevys, and they're still made now, but they looked a lot cooler then.
HZ: It's like a huge boat. And a bit of satisfaction for Veronica, because at the very least it was confirmed that she was right.
VERONICA: Where did you hide the cashbox?
WEEVIL: The two places you looked for it. The cashbox was in my niece’s backpack. Then she went into the ball pit, stashed the box. We got the third degree from you, like I didn’t know that was coming.
VERONICA: Then she went back in and got the box. While I was having the ball pit drained, you were planting cash and ephedrine in Thumper’s locker.
WEEVIL: Well, I had to go back later and add the incriminating fifty dollar bill.
JOY: This crafty, crafty young woman made up the "Nancy on the $50 bill" thing on the fly. Wow.
HZ: She's Veronica fucking Mars, Jenny.
JOY: I've been Marsed, and so has Weevil. So she says it, right? Like in front of Weevil. They're like, "Oh, how if we find a bunch of money, how will we know if it's the money from the box?" And she makes up that a $50 bill had ‘Nancy’ and a phone number written on it. She says it in front of Weevil. And we know she has a $50 in there because Logan paid her, right, with $50.
HZ: But there's loads of people present when she says she wrote ‘Nancy’ on the $50: Ms Hauser's present, JB, Clemmons, Dick.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: Loads of the other suspects. So he's just trying to pin it all on Thumper, out of revenge.
JOY: Yes. Where did the box end up?
HZ: That's a good point.
JOY: Hmm.
HZ: Oh, it turned into a car.
JOY: Of course.
HZ: You just sprinkle the magic glitter on it, it turns into a big green Impala.
JOY: That's how it works. I'm going to start sprinkling glitter on shit until something turns into a big green Impala.
HZ: Well make sure you do it outside.
JOY: Indeed. Then Weevil's like, "Why didn't you turn me in? Was it love, or lust?" And Veronica's like, "Love... of rollercoasters!"
HZ: She just can't say an emotion.
JOY: No.
HZ: She can't admit they're friends. We know they are.
JOY: Yes we do. Nothing can come between them.
HZ: And then the episode just stops. It just... stops.
JOY: Mercifully.
HZ: The episode's like, "I've reached the 42-minute mark. Can I go now?"
JOY: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. It just gives up.
HZ: As have we.
JOY: Ha!
HZ: But let us go now to our resident legal expert, and Southern Californian marshmallow, Lo Dodds, to find out which crimes were committed, in today's LoDown.
THE LODOWN
HZ: The streakers. They are streaking at an event with minors present. Now, if I've learned anything from you know, Lo, I've learned that that means these streakers are going to end up on the sex offender register, right?
LO DODDS: They totally are. Do not streak. Do not streak.
HZ: OK.
LO DODDS: Yeah. They're committing indecent exposure. They'll probably get charged with that. If you get convicted of indecent exposure, you end up on the sex offender registry. There is a lesser charge they could be charged with, which is lewd conduct, which doesn't land you on the sex offender registry. But the fact that there are a group of them, they all knew what they were doing, they usually get charged together, so it's unlikely they would get one and not the other.
JOY: What about decent exposure? Like, when it happens and you're just like, "Nice." Are there any charges associated with that?
HZ: It's when they put more clothes on and then run through the fair.
LO DODDS: Right. It's when a lady shows her ankle. That's decent.
JOY: Yes. Or if you touch a lady's glove, as I've come to understand.
LO DODDS: That's OK.
JOY: Very sexy, yet decent.
HZ: Steady on: not without enthusiastic consent.
LO DODDS: Yes, exactly.
JOY: What are Ms Hauser's crimes? And I'm wondering if we have enough time in the segment to get to all of them.
HZ: I don't know if misanthropy is a crime?
LO DODDS: Ms Hauser's committing theft, and specifically theft by embezzlement. It's also grand theft, felony theft, because she's stolen over $950, but, again, not sure how she thought the ship that was coming in for her was going to ride away on like nine grand. Weevil, as well, has committed grand theft. Again possession, again drug-free zone. The penalty's very severe. Either him or Thumper or whoever is getting convicted of that crime is going to be in trouble. Possession with intent to distribute on school grounds.
HZ: Is there a specific crime for setting someone else up to look like they had committed the crime?
LO DODDS: The person has to actually get convicted. So in order to get anything for this, just setting someone up is not a crime unless you can independently, so he's got independent crimes of having the drugs, of stealing the money, of doing the things that you are doing to pin on someone else. But the person actually has to be convicted of the crime for that, for there to be damages. What's more likely to happen is you're going to have a lawsuit. So people who have been falsely accused of crimes have later sued their accusers. So yeah, it would be more worried about civil liability than criminal liability there.
JOY: Helen!
HZ: Hi. Still here.
JOY: It's one of those very, very special moments where it appears we've selected the same best line.
HZ: Well, I'm still choosing between two, Jenny, so go for your life and pick your fave.
JOY: Well, I like when Veronica asks Logan, "What's your poison?" And Logan says, "Emotionally unavailable women." Relatable content.
HZ: That was a beautiful moment. I liked when Jackie said, "Lurking? You mean standing while black?" Because it felt like a sort of real world truth entering into this world, into the Mars world. Let Jackie win something. She's getting my best line.
JOY: Yes!
HZ: She was very nice this episode, and didn't deserve all this torment.
JOY: Oh my god, Helen.
HZ: So how are you going to score this episode, Jenny?
JOY: Ugh, god.
HZ: Which of the numbers are you going to append to it?
JOY: Well... I'm... I just didn't care at all, Helen. I just didn't care at all, and thus I'm left with no choice, but because I got to see Weevil in his new car...
HZ: And his new hair.
JOY: ...and his new hair...
HZ: And his cute niece!
JOY: ...and his cute niece, that earns this episode 1.75 arctic penguin statuary figures.
HZ: Yeah, I like those things. I think the thing I liked most were these brief hints of alliance between Veronica and Jackie. I feel like they could be so strong if they combined forces.
JOY: Oh my god, they'd be unstoppable.
HZ: They really would. I know I've said it before, but they really would.
JOY: Veronica hates to share power, though.
HZ: But I found the plot confusing, and also the whole fairground music can fuck off, and then the transphobia is an automatic deduction, so I'm going to give this 1.3 glittery footprints.
JOY: There it is.
HZ: And they're lucky to have them.
JOY: Well, I guess that's this episode of Veronica Mars reluctantly investigated.
HZ: Case closed.
JOY: That was Veronica Mars Investigations Season 2 Episode 13: Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough.
HZ: Watch season 2 episode 14 and join us in a week to investigate it.
HZ: Find the show on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @VMIpod.
JOY: The website, where the show lives along with a mysterious wooden paddle covered in license plate numbers, is vmipod.com. And there you can find transcripts of every freaking episode. You can also, if you want, locate some Veronica Mars Investigations merch upon that very page and also view my rudimentary graphic design learning experiment on our various Neptune-related cards series: mostly BroNiners, but some other stuff once in a while.
HZ: It's spectacular. Jenny is helping us distinguish which of the rich, similar-looking residents of Neptune is which. I'm Helen Zaltzman, you can hear my other podcasts Answer Me This and The Allusionist on the podplaces and also answermethispodcast.com and theallusionist.org, unless someone is sabotaging me by putting an incriminating picture on there.
JOY: My gosh. Wow. My name is Jenny Owen Youngs. I make another podcast called Buffering the Vampire Slayer where you can listen to me talk about yet another petite blonde protagonist. And I also make music. That's my regular gig. You can hear some of it, learn more about that whole side of my life, at JennyOwenYoungs.com.
HZ: This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman. Thanks to Ian Steadman for the episode transcript.
JOY: The music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: The sheriff of this town is Hrishikesh Hirway.
JOY: The show is distributed by PRX.
HZ: Until next time, who’s your daddy?
JOY: Who’s your daddy, Helen? Did he set off a bomb in a gym bag?
HZ: Probably thought about it. He used to be really into pranks. And it was probably only laziness that stopped him going too far.