• Daniel Maloof’s having a shit one. He is being blackmailed because he was videoed masturbating to a cam girl. He’s still being accused of murder by Penn all over the TV. He is kidnapped, strung up, stoned and dickpunched by the Carrs. Then he is rescued by Alonzo and Dodie, who are going to kill him - but Daniel turns the tables! And the other side is also really shitty.
• Sea Sprite Bombing Suspect of the Week is Matty’s pick: mole-having gum vending machine-filling Perry, who blows himself up when the police come for him.
• But Veronica doesn’t buy that he’s a culprit, and with another bomb going off at the end of the episode, the mystery continues. Unsurprisingly.
• More surprising is that Veronica actually has some fun! She gets to try on Nicole’s punching gloves, drop some E, dance dance dance - then puke puke puke the next morning.
• Keith’s also having fun - he and Clyde bond over golf!
• And Penn and his group of Murderheads are, unfortunately, still in our lives, dredging up Lilly Kane’s murder, advancing some wild theories about the Sea Sprite bomber - but one does give Veronica the link between the bombing and El Despiadado.
A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS: The Thousand Dollar Tan Line, an original mystery by Rob Thomas and Jennifer Graham:
Two months have passed since the movie, and it’s SPRING BREAK! Neptune’s popping off! Until two young women disappear, first Hayley and then Aurora, presumed kidnapped.
The spring breakers stay away and the Neptune Grand is losing business, so the glamorous owner hires Veronica to investigate the disappearances.
This case means Veronica gets back into her sexy disguises to infiltrate house parties run by the heirs to a Mexican drug cartel.
Lamb doesn’t care about the Mexican drug cartel heirs, and neither should you because - BIG TWIST - they have nothing to do with it! They’re just rich guys throwing parties. Turns out, Hayley went off to Bakersfield and was murdered by her jealous boyfriend :(
And, BIG TWIST, Aurora is part of her own kidnapping plot with her scammer dad, who she’s also double-crossing to get the ransom money!
Oh and BIG TWIST, Aurora’s stepmom is LIANNE MARS!
A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
Rock star Paul Rudd is here to play a show at Hearst College, to fundraise for Piz’s awful radio station - but oh no! His backing tapes are missing! Presumed stolen! They’re not. A crime-free mystery!
New campus celebrity Apollo has written a hit memoir about being a child soldier in Uganda - but WAS he? - and Veronica is hired by someone claiming to be his dad - but IS he? Yes to both. Another crime-free mystery! How relaxing.
Until! Remember when Weevil was falsely accused of stealing Veronica’s necklace, and falsely accused of stealing the fairground cash box, and… anyway, in today’s edition of “Let’s fuck up Weevil for no good reason,” he’s accused of making fake IDs.
Someone has leaked a sex tape of Pizvonica! Nobody wants to see that! Especially not Logan, who beats up Piz.
Acting Sheriff Mars is investigating a string of Fitzpatricky burglaries, that threaten his sheriff campaign AND his friendship with Cliff.Vinnie is also running for Sheriff, and might be involved in the burglaries too?
And Big Dick Richard Casablancas is back to spend some time with Little Dick before going to prison for all his crimes in the first two seasons. And at long last, Dick Casablancas shows some human emotions.
Join Jenny Owen Youngs and Helen Zaltzman to investigate Veronica Mars season 3 episodes 17, 18 and 19: I Know Weevil's Wobble Tapes, and consider such mysteries as what Wallace has been up to in all the time he has not been on screen, what a Weevil-based Law & Order spinoff would be like, and whether that's Rob Thomas in a wig? After all the wigs he has inflicted on others!
Read MoreA LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
Real life Patty Hearst plays a fake Hearst; and real life kidnapped person Patty Hearst plays a fake kidnapped person. It’s all something to do with share prices and a rich-people divorce settlement and she AND her husband have both been having affairs with the dog walker?
Update on Frats vs Dreaded Feminists: head fratter Chip is found unconscious, with his head shaved and a plastic egg shoved up his bum with a cryptic message inside.
And the Dreaded Feminists make Veronica wonder whether all the rapes were fake, but NO, they were real, and the rapist has got Veronica cornered and drugged again.
The Dean hires Keith to investigate whether his wife Mindy is cheating on him with her colleague. She isn’t - but she is, of course, cheating on him with the Dean’s colleague Professor Landry.
And having confronted them in bed together, the Dean is found dead with a gunshot wound to the head. It’s ruled a suicide, but... is it actually murder?
And after all that, we’re actually relieved to sit through another stolen animals plot, wherein Veronica and Mac infiltrate an animal rights group to get back a lab monkey and twenty rats.
There’s even another culturally insensitive hat party!
But it’s all worth it, because Mac meets a cute guy!
And they get the monkey back!
(And the rats, but nobody cares about them. (Except Jenny.))
Join Jenny Owen Youngs and Helen Zaltzman to investigate Veronica Mars season 3 episodes 8, 9 and 10: Lord of the Spit Monkeys, and ponder such mysteries as how Dick is not banned from everywhere already, how this show made us feel bad for awful Chip, and why they don’t just keep Piz dancing instead of talking.
Read MoreA LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
The Dean’s wife’s son is dying and they need Keith to track down her ex-husband and extract his bone marrow. By force, if need be!
The college casino is robbed! Veronica thinks it was Weevil…
Turns out, Claire faked her rape. But the rapist is still real, still out there, and drugs and shaves Veronica.
Professor Landry’s new teacher’s pet is Veronica, so his old teacher’s pet, Tim, makes it look like she cheated on a paper.
Other people ARE cheating, though: Wallace and Logan, on tests, and the Dean’s wife, on the Dean…with Professor Landry!
Someone we don’t know, Meryl, comes to Hearst College to visit her boyfriend whom we also don’t know, so we don’t care that he’s missing, nor that he turns up - but we definitely don’t like having to stop in on the Fitzpatricks along the way.
And Keith and Harmony are spending time together again. There’s a not a lot of plot but there’s a lot of HOT!
Join Jenny Owen Youngs and Helen Zaltzman to investigate Veronica Mars season 3 episodes 5, 6 and 7: President Infidelity of Vice and Men, and probe such mysteries as how many crimes you’re committing by kidnapping someone and extracting their bone marrow, where is our app with Cliff just shouting words three times, and WTF Veronica and Logan are dressed as for Halloween.
Read MoreA LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
Veronica infiltrates a sorority to investigate Parker’s rape, and instead finds a secret medical marijuana farm.
The ongoing campus rapist plot boils down to frats versus feminists. The two genders!
Wallace and Logan participate in some recreation of the Stanford Prison Experiment, and unfortunately we have to endure it with them.
Weevil is back! And starts working for Keith! But then punches a suspect, so he’s fired.
Logan discovers some financial irregularities that reveal that he has a secret half-brother!
Loganica are having problems, because he likes playing poker and she likes The Arts and putting trackers on him.
Plus: some SPORTSBALL problem; a Fitzpatrick kills another Fitzpatrick; Veronica has a new job in the library SHH NO TALKING; and Keith takes a case for a hot lady.
Join Jenny Owen Youngs and Helen Zaltzman to investigate Veronica Mars season 3 episodes 2, 3 and 4: My Big Fat Wichita Linebacker Don’t Surf, and dig into such mysteries as how and why a professor would do a Stanford Prison Experiment-esque study; whether traps on your boobs are booby traps; and why the Chippendales landed on ‘shirt closures’ as their sexy outfit of choice.
Read MoreA LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
We meet another misfit Neptune boy with a hobby for weapons: Harry! Who has a bedroom full of arrows, a wall full of stag heads, and a dog that was killed by a driver of a green Barracuda car…
...which belongs to an old lady who doesn’t drive it, but guess who does? Liam fucking Fitzpatrick! To run his errands, such as:
i. Trying to kill Keith Mars, but instead getting whupped by our favourite power dad;
ii. Bullying the PCHers so they bring in more drug money;
iii. Mooning Gia Goodman;
iv. And being in league with Kendall Casablancas, who has a criminal record, a secret house, AND an identity she stole off a girl who died in car crash?!Oh and just in case you thought the Lilly Kane murder case was solved last season, here it is again, as Aaron’s Oscar has been dug up from the Kane garden, with Lilly’s blood and Duncan’s hair on it!
Join Jenny Owen Youngs and Helen Zaltzman to investigate Veronica Mars season 2 episode 19: Nevermind The Buttocks, and consider mysteries such as whether any of the Duncans are sexpeople, how you’d get a long-dead person’s blood onto a burned-up Oscar statuette, what Keith Mars’s Power Dad training regimen involves, and Jenny’s new feature Accidental Porn Dialogue in Veronica Mars.
Read MoreA LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
Get ready for some violence: Veronica follows the trail of the murder witness right to the crime family the Fighting Fitzpatricks, and nearly gets an unwanted face tattoo for her trouble.
Plus: Logan is clonked on the head, bundled into a van and masked interrogators play Russian roulette with his body parts - yes, the PCHers are also investigating the murder, in their own way.
Keith’s trying to find the person who is harassing the parents of Marcos, a student who died in the bus crash. Who’s been leaving toy schoolbuses around their home and voice recordings of their dead son?
...that happen to be from their son’s pirate radio show, a cult favourite amongst the kids of Neptune. Psychics on local TV and this, sure.
And Duncan has some dreams about Meg and finally gets round to reading that letter he found in her air vent.
Join Jenny Owen Youngs and Helen Zaltzman to investigate Veronica Mars season 2 episode 8: Ahoy, Mateys!, and delve into such mysteries as pairing chocolate milk with fish sticks, getting cockblocked by your own subconscious, stitches as some kind of badge of honour, Mac’s terrible taste in countercultural radio, and the care and maintenance of ankle tags.
Read MoreA LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
A nice student called Carmen tries to break up with her boyfriend.
But he won’t let her - and if she tries, he’ll leak a video of her suggestively sucking a popsicle in a hot tub! Toxic Neptune strikes again!
But Toxic Neptune strikes even worse in Veronica’s plan to get revenge on this guy.
At least things are delightful and cute and beautiful between Keith Mars and Alicia Fennel - but Clarence Wiedman’s about to ruin their bliss.
Things are also hot and heavy between Logan and Veronica…
…until she discovers something shocking about the night of Shelly Pomroy’s fateful party.
A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
Something’s afoot at Neptune High - the bomb squad is sniffing around.
And there are two suspicious students: the one with a bedroom full of weapons…
…and the one who’s basically Christian Slater in Heathers, plus a car full of fertilizer and guns.
Also we meet another new Duncan: Disappearing Duncan. Where’s Duncan gone??
Meanwhile, there’s romance in the air: Keith and Wallace’s mom are dating!
Aaaand: there’s also the kiss that launched a thousand ’ships.