VMI 3.111213 There's Gotta Be A Poughkeepsie Mortem transcript

Listen to this episode at vmipod.com/3-111213

Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes storylines concerning murder, suicide, sex work, rape, miscarriage, abortion and anti-abortion movements. 

A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS: 

• Remember Max, that guy who you can pay to cheat on tests? Well he’s fallen in love with a sex worker and wants Veronica to track her down! But it’ll cost him, financially and emotionally.

• Remember Bonnie, the sexperson who had been dealing with Dick and other frats outside of her relationship with Lucky-in-a-wig? Well, she was pregnant, until someone slipped her a pill that caused her to miscarry.

• Remember the Dean’s wife’s ex-husband Steve? He’s back, because now the Dean’s dead, Mindy can’t afford to pay him the bone marrow hush money any more.

• Remember eggs, specifically the ones that the Dreaded Feminists threw at the Dean’s car and the Dean’s office? Keith is investigating. Eggvestigating? Investigategg?

• Remember Wallace’s sportsball coach? No? Never mind: he shows up dead, and the Marses have to prove that his son Josh isn’t the murderer.

• Remember Madison Sinclair? Logan had sex with her! Ew ew! And so Loganica break up. Again.

• Hence Logan is wallowing in heartbreak, until Dick runs off to Vegas and leaves him in charge of an 11-year-old girl...

• Who is a better friend to him than anyone else has been on this show.

JOY: If we’re not gonna have an empty sexual encounter ,I kinda got stuff to do, I’m Jenny Owen Youngs.

HZ: And wearing my t-shirt that says, "I'd rather be home crying", I’m Helen Zaltzman.

You’re listening to Veronica Mars Investigations Season 3 Episodes 11, 12 and 13: There’s Gotta Be a Poughkeepsie Mortem.

HZ: Now I know what you're thinking, Jenny: the way that this show has treated sex workers in the past has left a lot to be desired.

JOY: Yeah. How could it get any worse? 

HZ: Well, you know how, in TV dramas, sex workers must be either in search of an exit strategy, or con artists? In this episode, both. 

JOY: Why choose, Helen? 

HZ: You can have it all. Three episodes, and not a single one featuring Mac. 

JOY: Boo. 

HZ: What the fuck. There's barely any Wallace. There's no Parker. And we get to spend a whole episode with fucking Max, the guy who Wallace bought that test off, that he then got rumbled for cheating on. Although he's at once like this sort of loser whose friends are like, "Oh, look at that virgin, better help him out," he's also kind of arrogant, he's got this saviour complex, and he's kind of toxic masc as well. Toxic Max. 

JOY: Toxic Max. This narrative is is pretty common. I don't think very much nuance was going into any kind of like plotting around characters who are sex workers at this time in television. Right? Like, "Oh no, this woman is in trouble, and this man must extricate her from her situation so that they can be together, because..."

HZ: Because. 

JOY: Because.

HZ: And also, I feel like the show doesn't know what to do with this plot, so it comes up with Max being in love with this woman that he met once, spent the night with, but non-sexually. Doesn't even know her last name, doesn't have her phone number, but is in love with her, and she's going to get married in a week, but he loves her so he must ruin that. Although it's fake marriage, because his friends had actually hired her and told her, "Oh, Max is really into comics, and here's some stuff you can talk with him about," and that's the twist. And then the twist is another twist, and then only like 12 minutes have gone by and you've got the rest of the show, so then he's grifted out of some money a couple of times. 

JOY: Oh my gosh, good thing he's been getting rich off of selling the answers to tests. 

HZ: How would you feel about your friends if your friends were like, "That person is such a loser. We need to help our friend lose their virginity by hiring a sex worker they don't know they're a sex worker."

JOY: I would say, time to get some new friends, I guess? These guys are really dinguses in every scene that they're in. They just seem like they suck pretty bad. 

HZ: And Max insults the Canada Room at the Round The World Party. Which was awesome! 

JOY: It was awesome. It was Mac and Parker's room, right? 

HZ: Yes. 

JOY: Come on, dude. 

HZ: Do you think Veronica ever thinks this case is a massive waste of time? There was a point fairly early on in the search for Chelsea, who's also called Fiona, who's also called Wendy, where I thought, "Why is she doing this?" It's a lot of her time. It's a lot of company of these awful guys. Is it enough money? 

JOY: Veronica seems like she has no time for this case, and kind of like most cases? But especially this one because she is very dismissive of Max's experience, I think. 

HZ: She is, and then she seems to be all into it. 

JOY: She's an all or nothing kind of lady. 

HZ: It's like, "I've seen true love, and it's this guy who met someone for a night who was pretending to be his dream woman."

JOY: Yeah. "Why can't I have what they have?"

HZ: There's a search engine for sex workers. 

JOY: No, there's not. 

HZ: There's not a search engine for sex workers called The Erotic Critique where you can search by preferences including breast size, and the breast sizes are "non-existent", "tiny", "normal", "full", and "luscious". 

JOY: Listen. As the resident pod boob enthusiast, I am going to say that these are categories no one asked for. 

HZ: This is how they categorise people. 

JOY: No... 

HZ: "Triple-bagger". They've spelled "triple" wrong as well. "Transient"... 

JOY: No. 

HZ: "Horny", also spelled wrong. "OK if wasted", "plain", "attractive", "head-turner", "hottie", "gorgeous", and "model material". And Veronica's like, "What does 'girlfriend experience' mean?" And yet she's always on about how working at Mars Investigations she's seen everything and she's so jaded. 

JOY: It does seem odd that she wouldn't have come across Internet Sexplorer, or whatever the search engine is called. 

HZ: Internet Sexplorer would have been so much better! 

JOY: What did they call it in the show? 

HZ: Erotic Critique, which is a bizarre choice. 

JOY: Boo. 

HZ: And there's only one person on it called Chelsea? I call bullshit. 

JOY: That does seem unlikely. There's 18,000 people on there, I think. 

HZ: Yeah. There's also a fleeting moment of... Trans insensitivity, shall we call it? 

JOY: Mm-hmm. 

HZ: Which is fairly typical for the show and the character. 

JOY: Yeah. How many times do you think Veronica says the word "hooker" in this episode? 

HZ: I think about a thousand. 

JOY: 45? Yeah, OK. 

HZ: Maybe 1,045. 

JOY: Yeah. 

HZ: And all through this plot Veronica keeps asking Logan, "Have you ever been with a sex worker? Have you ever been with a sex worker?"

JOY: Veronica! Why? 

HZ: So then they narrow down the possible sex workers to two women, and invite them to Logan's hotel suite. And one of them's wrong, so they sit around and watch Ang Lee's adaptation of Sense & Sensibility. And then the next one turns out to be Chelse/Fiona, and she and Max seem genuinely excited to see each other. I can't work out, is she just doing the girlfriend experience the whole episode or does she actually like this awful, awful man Max? 

JOY: The impression that I got was that she likes him. 

HZ: Hmm. Why? 

WENDY: Oh, sorry. I guess we're being pretty rude. It's just...I never thought I'd see Max again.
VERONICA: I bet.
WENDY: God, I was such a girl when he dropped me off at the airport, all misty and dramatic.
MAX: I missed the misty?
WENDY: When he was leaving, I felt this rush. I thought about everything that led to that moment, all the choices that I made that got me to that exact spot, that exact time...how, if I made different ones, I could be with this sweet guy who was dropping me off at the airport, all teary-eyed.
MAX: Well, I mean, I wasn't teary-eyed. I hadn't slept much, and, you know, my eyes were...
WENDY: Hmm.

HZ: Madison Sinclair shows up at Logan's hotel suite, dressed as a sexperson, and also with a new wig with a fringe. 

VERONICA: Madison.
MADISON: Oh. It's you. So, are you and Logan, like, dating again, or are you hotel staff?
VERONICA: Did somebody order a PSE? Dick's not here.
MADISON: Hey, Logan.
LOGAN: Hey.
MADISON: So, uh, what are you kids up to tonight?
LOGAN: Oh, same old, same old.
MADISON: Well, this looks like super fun, but I should probably go do something that doesn't suck. 

HZ: Then his plan is to hire Veronica again to get Wendy a whole new identity. But the reasons for this seem scanty. 

WENDY: That's the thing about being a working girl. Easy to break into, not so easy to get out of. It's not like I'm one of the big earners, but I have this client, a judge.
VERONICA: Ooh, a judge? Which one?
WENDY: Cramer.
VERONICA: No freaking way! My dad busted him for taking bribes, and the old bastard still got re-elected.
WENDY: He is the kinkiest out of all my clients. No sex, he just likes to sneak me into his office at the courthouse. All he wants to do is have tickle fights and walk around in my shoes. 

HZ: This is her kinkiest client?

JOY: The wildest thing they could come up with. 

HZ: And he's like, "I'll save you! From this guy that just wants to wear your shoes and be tickled!" And then a grift. Logan opens the hotel suite door to see a breathless woman who looks like she's been beaten up, but even in the dim light of the Neptune Grand corridors it looks like fake bruise makeup. She's called Nicki. Later on, she's pressing a bag of frozen peas to her black eye. Do you think he got those on room service? 

JOY: Ha! 

HZ: I don't imagine he keeps frozen peas in the minibar. 

JOY: Dude, I want to see that menu. The room service menu for the recently bruised. Frozen peas, frozen carrots; one steak, unwrapped... 

HZ: The new thing is that if Wendy doesn't go back with Nicki and bring $1,000, then their pimp is going to bruise Nicki even worse. Max is like, "I can sort this out, I have a head for business." Based on what? Selling cheat stuff?

JOY: Sorry, I keep kind of just like circling what it is that makes this feel the way it does, and maybe it's like... Nobody ever asks Wendy, "Do you enjoy your work? Do you want to not be doing what you're doing?"

HZ: "What do you want?"

JOY: "What do you want?" But there is an implication... I mean, the unconvincing makeup aside, there is the element of her colleague showing up having been assaulted, right? So that does imply a certain dangerous element of the workplace. 

HZ: Yes. 

JOY: Right? It's not totally unthinkable that Max is like, "Whoa, got to get you out of here." They just don't know anything about each other, you know? There are a lot of big moves being made with very little foundation. And no curiosity for what's going on with Wendy. 

HZ: No. And all these other people show up in service of this plotline, they're throwing a lot of stuff at it, but they haven't actually built a centre at all. Anyway, Max gives Nicki $1,000 in cash and promises Wendy he'll rescue her from her job. Then he just hangs around Logan's hotel room as if they're friends, which they're not. So Veronica goes talk to him, because she's so great at cheering people up and understanding relationships, and she's like, "You two are so great together." But then she goes to get him a glass of water and then finds the towel and the frozen peas, and they've got smudges of makeup on them from the fake bruising. 

JOY: Oh my god!

HZ: And then she, having just said, "Yeah, you did have something together," she was like, "I'm right! Ha ha! I'm right! It was all a grift! Ha!" And then she's like, "We must have revenge on Wendy, make the happy hooker not so happy." I hate this. It's in line with the way that Veronica is about women, where they're always starting, you know, ten paces behind even the shittest of men. But then she hatches one of her worst plans to date, to reimburse Max by blackmailing the judge for $1,000. 

VERONICA: Judge High Heels' home phone.
LOGAN: This is a bad idea.
VERONICA: It's blackmail. It's the go-to idea. In case of emergency, break glass or blackmail.
LOGAN: Excuse me if I can't get jazzed about my girlfriend extorting a judge.
VERONICA: Look, I'm not doing a back handspring about it either, but I'm getting Max his thousand dollars back, and I'm taking away Wendy's best client. It works on so many levels. 

JOY: This is a straight-up bad plan. 

HZ: Is she thinking, "Well, I haven't committed a crime in the last ten minutes, so, feeling a little itchy"?

JOY: Also, anybody could be around monitoring that bus station locker. What are you doing? 

HZ: And she really seems like very kind of, "Oh, job well done, Veronica, great." Snuggles up to Logan for the night. 

JOY: Yeah. Patting herself on the back. 

HZ: They have a lot of awful chats in bed. 

JOY: Oh my god, they really do. “You know, if I were a hooker, this snuggle would cost you.” I'm always saying this in bed. 

HZ: Oh, it's so romantic. It's like the other episode where they'd just had sex and she was like, "Oh, you should charge for that."

JOY: Oh my fucking... No...

HZ: So it's fine when she's making the jokes, but then when someone is a sex worker she's like, "Mmm, no." 

VERONICA: You know, if I were a hooker, this snuggle would cost you.
LOGAN: I'll gladly pay.
VERONICA: Really?
LOGAN: For this? Cash money. 
VERONICA: But seriously, folks...have you?
LOGAN: What? Ever been with a hooker? Why does it matter?
VERONICA: I just want to know. I assume the answer is yes. Look at it as an opportunity for me to show you how cool I can be. "Hooker? Who cares?"
LOGAN: Well, here's your chance to be cool. Stop asking.
VERONICA: I just want to get to a place with you where we can be really...intimate.
LOGAN: That's what the female praying mantis says before she bites the male's head off.
VERONICA: I'm just saying, buried secrets tend to surface when I'm around.
LOGAN: Maybe that's because of all the digging, huh?

JOY: I was soothed by how much of Jason Dohring's chest hair we saw across the span of these three episodes. There was something very comforting about it. As you know, the television landscape of today has very little chest hair to offer, and, when I see it, it is shocking and makes me happy. I know that I've mentioned his chest hair before. 

HZ: Yeah. I'd never really observed it until you started bringing it up. 

JOY: Well, you know, I'm just here, the pod gay, here to notify you about what's going on with shirtless men. My favourite topic. 

HZ: Thank you. He says, eventually, that he has not been with a sex worker. She confirms she also hasn't. But then, just to make their pillow talk super awkward again, she asks him about the time he was in Mexico and, "Um, how is it that Mercer managed to bolt out of Mexico, back up to Neptune to rape someone, and back to Mexico, without you noticing?" And he's like, "For fuck's sake, please."

JOY: Dude. 

HZ: And wonders if he was perhaps drugged. 

JOY: That's an interesting question mark that's risen up out of the ether. 

HZ: Yeah. 

JOY: Never content to leave bad enough alone, Veronica presses onward... 

HZ: Rule of three. 

JOY: ...and asks if he hooked up with anybody while they were broken up. Girl! Shush! And, this is interesting: he says that he got with a "horrible girl" who meant less than nothing to him, and he couldn't regret it more, and it makes him sick to his stomach when he thinks about it now. 

HZ: Are we supposed to think it was that surfer girl? 

JOY: That's the only visual evidence we have, until later. 

HZ: Out of bed, and onto the money pick-up with Max at the bus station. 

JOY: There's no money in that locker, Helen. Oh no. 

HZ: But instead of money, there's a note inviting them into a limo that is waiting outside. 

JOY: That's at least $1,000 value. I love that Happy, the one who's called Happy, is going through Veronica's bag and finds her taser and is like, "I don't think this is street legal."

HZ: Finally. 

JOY: "What's the voltage on this?" Even Happy is like, "Veronica Mars, maybe slow your roll and leave the taser at home." 

HZ: Veronica of course assumes that Happy, being the only black man in the car, is the pimp, even though he's sitting right next to the pimp. 

JOY: Do we ever get this woman's name? 

HZ: I think she's just credited as Madame, but the actor is called Jackie Debatin and she was in Switched At Birth. 

JOY: You are shitting me. 

HZ: Shit you not. 

JOY: Well, I love her. Make this woman a recurring character, please. 

MAX: Look, Wendy didn't do anything dumb, okay? I did. I called the judge.
MADAME: I don't think you did. He said it was a girl's voice. And Wendy has done a bunch of dumb things. She fell for a client. She tried to leave me without saying goodbye. She told a client about the judge.
MAX: I'm sorry - did you say she fell for a client?
MADAME: She asked out. But there's a problem, you see: Wendy owes me money. Braces aren't cheap. Tattoo removal isn't cheap. Clothes and housing aren't cheap. Now, she could work it off -
MAX: I'll pay.
MADAME: You're a hell of a negotiator, Max. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

HZ: And so she needs $10,000, and for Max never to talk to her girls again. And he agrees. I guess he's just got a lot of cash readily available. 

JOY: He's been saving up, business has been booming. 

HZ: But then when he gets back to his dorm, Wendy is waiting outside his room with her bags, and they kiss; and Veronica learns from Wendy that "dumb luck and interesting lingerie" are the secret to making a guy fall for you. 

JOY: Hang on, I've got to go write that down. “Dumb luck... Interesting lingerie…” OK. 

HZ: By "interesting" do you think, like, it's got dinosaurs printed on it? 

JOY: I mean, that would be interesting to me. 

HZ: Or it's got a crossword puzzle there.

JOY: Ooh, yeah - no offence, but that would rock. 

HZ: Add it to your merch store, Jenny. 

JOY: Noted. 

HZ: My favourite thing about this whole episode happens in this scene, while Wendy, Veronica, and Max are in the Hearst cafeteria, because Weevil comes up. 

WEEVIL: I'm sorry, I got to tell somebody about this. You're never gonna guess what somebody tried to flush down the commode in the faculty lounge. 

HZ: And we never learn what it was! That's the mystery we want solved. 

JOY: That hurts. 

HZ: And then he recognises Wendy, although knew her as Fiona. 

WEEVIL: Fiona, right? You used to dance at the Electric Lady. My buddy was a bouncer up there.
WENDY: You must be thinking of someone else.
WEEVIL: No, I don't think so. You have a tattoo, red dragon, left cheek. Am I right?
VERONICA: Weevil, you got the wrong girl.
WEEVIL: Yeah, yeah, you're right. I'm sorry about that. See you around, V.

JOY: That makes people uncomfortable. 

HZ: Yeah, what did you think about that? Because Veronica is trying to get Weevil to shut up, because Max is right there. And is it because Max is suddenly starting to compute what it means, really, to be in love with someone who does this job? 

JOY: Right, yeah. I don't think Max has done any computing up to this point, but now it's becoming unavoidable, which is furthered by, in the next scene, while Wendy is giving him a pedicure, which I love. 

HZ: Yeah, that was genuinely sweet. 

JOY: Right? Like, they could have had a shot. 

HZ: Wendy seems cool. 

JOY: Wendy does seem cool. 

HZ: She confirms she likes dragons. 

JOY: Which rips. 

HZ: How dare she!

JOY: It's evidence that she really did have a dragon tattoo on her ass, and Weevil's seen it. Ah, unforgivable! Then his stupid friends come in and need a last minute stripper for an event. And she's like, "I'm retired." Like, not a single thought given to any of the nuance here; these guys only know her as a sex worker, but they assume that also, why not? She could be a stripper too. It's, "Bodies are commodities for purchase, and all we have to do is wave some money around and this woman will do whatever we say."

HZ: I guess she has stripping experience from The Electric Lady. 

JOY: But they don't fucking know that. These guys suck, and I hate them. 

HZ: Yes. All the guys involved suck. 

JOY: And then Max asks if she really left her info for him at the hotel. 

HZ: Way back in the beginning of this plot. 

JOY: Long, long ago. Helen, we were so much younger at the beginning of this plot. Look at this beard I've cultivated. 

HZ: An eternity passed in the blink of an eye. 

JOY: Yeah. She says no, she did not leave her info for him. 

HZ: Does he realise that he's been quite naive and stupid? I felt like you could, in this scene, see his face digesting this possibility. 

JOY: Yeah, I think he's starting to realise that he has not been tuned in to the full picture here. 

HZ: So he goes to see Veronica, because she's always such a comfort. 

JOY: Yeah. I love talking to Veronica about my romantic issues. She's the best. 

HZ: Uses some insensitive language.

VERONICA: How's tricks? Sorry. I mean things - how are things?
MAX: Things? They suck. Wendy left. The upside? I actually got a note this time. She said it wasn't gonna work out.
VERONICA: You bought her out of prostitution, and she left you? Please tell me you don't want me to find her again.
MAX: No, no. I think she may be right. She said - what did she say? She said, "The day we met was one of the best days of my life. I fell for you that day, but you didn't know what I was then, and now you do. And it shows in the way you look at me. It shows in the way you touch me but I'll never regret it. You made me realise what I was missing. Love, Wendy."
VERONICA: $10,000 is a lot to pay for a life lesson.
MAX: She's gonna pay me back as soon as she can, Veronica.
VERONICA: Max, please don't get your hopes up.
MAX: She already paid me a thousand. She made some good money last night. I hope you don't mind getting your money in vertically folded singles.

HZ: Do you think she's also going to pay him back the fees that he had to pay Veronica? 

JOY: Ooh. Great question. I don't think he's going to see that money. 

HZ: That is his fault. Now, Veronica takes the advice of Wendy and goes to shop for lingerie. 

JOY: Uh-oh. 

VERONICA VOICEOVER: I heard it from a pro. Lingerie. Maybe I should get into the spirit of doing things normal girlfriends do. I should make more of an effort to please my man. First comes sexy underthings.

HZ: Veronica's conception of femininity is so messed up/this show's conception, because whatever she's like she discounts as being feminine, and like something that she has to put on, and that's what normal girlfriends do. But Logan loves her for other reasons already. 

JOY: I'm trying to think of a reason you would love a woman if not for the lingerie that they wear. I can't. I'm coming up empty, Helen. Help. 

HZ: Uhh... 

JOY: Hmm. 

HZ: Come on, there must be one reason. Maybe you want to borrow her taser? 

JOY: Yes! OK, cool. Oh, maybe the interesting lingerie has tasers printed all over it. 

HZ: Oh. 

JOY: So it's, you know, Veronica's signature piece. 

HZ: Maybe it's got nipple cut-outs, with two tasers inserted into that part of the bra. 

JOY: Hell yeah. 

HZ: Got to make sure the tasers are the correct way round, though, because otherwise, ouch. But what else does she find at the lingerie store? 

JOY: Unfortunately, she also finds Madison Sinclair. Did Madison Sinclair develop some kind of accent since the last time she was on the show? 

HZ: I didn't notice one. But then what is confusing about Madison is they always manage to make her look so different season to season. 

JOY: Yeah, it's really hard to keep up with her. 

HZ: And even within this episode. 

JOY: Yeah, but there she is, shopping for lingerie, burning Veronica for shopping on the sale rack, and telling her just straight to Veronica's face that she hooked up with Logan in Aspen. Who does this? This woman is a sociopath. 

HZ: So Veronica's very angry at Logan, and keeps having these nightmares about him and Madison having sex in Aspen. 

JOY: Bleurgh. And then she wakes up to a call from Logan and she's fairly icy to him. 

HZ: Logan and Veronica are supposed to be going off on a fancy date, but Veronica turns up just wearing jeans, even though Logan's got a tie on, and a green shirt. And a horrible conversation ensues. 

VERONICA: Did you and Madison have sex over winter break? ...I asked you point-blank.
LOGAN: And I lied. Point-blank. It wasn't information that you had a right to know. I knew you wouldn't be able to deal with the Madison thing.
VERONICA: Which thing are you talking about? The "She roofied me" thing or the thing when I stumbled to my car in the morning, wondering where my virginity was, and she'd written ‘slut’ on my windshield? Was that what you thought I couldn't deal with? I am so genuinely sick right now. If I could have eaten anything today, I'd be throwing up all over your floor.
LOGAN: We were broken up at the time!
VERONICA: You know how I feel about her. 

HZ: I would like to remind people that Madison did not drug Veronica's drink; Dick actually drugged Madison's drink and she handed it over to Veronica, not knowing there were drugs in it. 

JOY: Oh, hey, this is an interesting bit of retconning. Be mad at Dick. 

HZ: She should hate Dick the most, and also Dick encouraged Cassidy to rape Veronica. But she's always more forgiving of terrible men. 

JOY: How about that? 

HZ: Ugh. 

JOY: There's plenty to hate Madison about. 

HZ: Yeah, she's odious. And yet... The other person who's upset with Logan is Dick. He's obviously still got feelings for her a bit. 

VERONICA: I just feel like you have this wadded-up Maxim magazine where your heart is supposed to be.
DICK: Oh, I'm heartless? First Duncan, now Logan. You're running out of rich bachelors' heads to mess with. Is it some kind of weird sport for you, you know, breaking dudes' hearts? What, you put another notch on your lipstick case?
VERONICA: Logan slept with Madison when you guys were in Aspen.
DICK: And?
VERONICA: Sorry, Dick, I probably shouldn't have...
DICK: Wot, me worry? Can we be done? I've got things to do. Redheaded things. Nadia!
NADIA: There's my big dumb blond.

JOY: Oh my god, I love when she says to him, "There's my big dumb blond." Nice. 

HZ: But don't forget about her, because she's relevant later. Then Veronica starts stalking Madison, effectively. She follows her in her car getting her laundry. And it's Madison's birthday, which means it's also Mac's birthday, but we don't get to celebrate with Mac. 

JOY: Veronica sees her receiving a Mercedes for her birthday, and then hugging a woman who is definitely not the same woman who we saw Mac interact with in their Switched At A Little While After Birth crossover episode. 

HZ: Maybe Madison has switched her mother. 

JOY: It's possible. How about this vanity plate? So many vanity plates in this episode. "GOTZMINE" with a Z, gross. 

HZ: That seems tenuous. 

JOY: Also, we're assuming her parents got her that. Like, they chose that vanity plate for her, since it's a surprise gift. 

HZ: Maybe they were like, "It was always such a special word for her."

JOY: "Gotz mine," she has her first words in her fucking crib. 

HZ: Later, Logan is drunk and he leaves Veronica an angry voicemail. Well, it starts angry.

JOY: But then it evolves, devolves, into apologetic. 

HZ: I hate this plot, but I love to see Jason Dohring doing an acting. 

JOY: Love, yeah, I love his misty little eyes, and his weird bad boy/good boy energy. He just wants to be loved. 

HZ: She only listens at the beginning, the angry bit, and then deletes it without hearing the loving bit. Aarghh! 

JOY: Argh, Veronica, no! 

HZ: The other thing she's up to, she's like, "Weevil, could you steal Madison's car and cube it?"

JOY: Hee-hee-hee! 

HZ: He's like, "Yeah, alright," even though in the next episode he's like, "I can't do a crime, I'm on the straight and narrow." Here he's just like, "Yeah, sure."

WEEVIL: So, we're all set to go as soon as they finish. I even washed it so it'd be shiny when we crush it. I know it doesn't sound logical, but trust me, it's much better. 

JOY: I love this. He's a man who takes pride in his work, you know? And you see it at the school. You know, he's helping people out, making their lives better, fixing the AC, doing all that stuff. Doing shit right. 

HZ: He's an artist of sorts. 

JOY: Mm-hmm. 

HZ: I thought this was quite a bollocks choice of revenge for Veronica anyway, because, A) Madison's not really that attached to the car. It's a thing she's only just got. 

JOY: True. 

HZ: B) It's vengeful in a way that only makes Veronica look bad, doesn't make Madison look bad. 

JOY: Correct. 

HZ: C) Not up to the standard of some of Veronica's more psychological revenges. 

JOY: Correct. Perhaps a better revenge would be to let this young woman drive around California with that wretched vanity plate and see what calamities naturally befall her. 

HZ: Can you replace someone's vanity plate with a different vanity plate that's insulting? Because that would have been funny. That might have been a slow burn joke. 

JOY: Yes. 

HZ: How difficult would it have been? 

JOY: Another thing you can do that friends of mine have done to each other is secretly putting truck nuts on their car. Do you guys have truck nuts in England? Probably not. 

HZ: Is this where it looks like there's a little pair of testicles hanging from the car? 

JOY: Yes. 

HZ: Wow. 

JOY: Yeah. So that's a booming industry here in the United States, and Veronica could have put a set of truck nuts on Madison's Mercedes. 

HZ: Instead, she diverts Weevil from crushing the car to putting tuna in the AC vent. 

JOY: Which is probably better. 

HZ: And then popping it back at Madison's house. I wonder how easy it is to return a car without it being noticed.

JOY: He has skills. He has many skills. 

HZ: I hope so, because I really just really want him to stay out of trouble. 

JOY: Yeah. Careful, Weevil. 

HZ: And then something good about this episode, Jenny, is that Weevil wears a toolbelt. How did you feel about that? 

JOY: I feel very good about that. I feel very good about that. I myself have recently been shopping for toolbelts, Helen, and I would be lucky to look half as good as Weevil in a toolbelt. The end. End of story. 

HZ: Well, I wish you luck in finding the toolbelt. 

JOY: Thank you. 

HZ: I think it's going to be a wonderful accessory for you. 

JOY: Ha! 

HZ: In the third episode, this is the one where Dick is trying to fix heartbroken Logan, and it's probably the best use of Dick we've seen thus far. The professor tells Dick that if Logan keeps not coming to class, he's going to fail, and then Dick gets to the hotel suite and there are two staff members, including Jeff Ratner from that other episode, waiting outside the door with a cart of food. And they're like, "We can't leave unless Logan gives us back some trays, and we're out of salt and pepper shakers in the whole hotel." 

JOY: Dude. He's really been Howard Hughes-ing it up. Hoarding room service trays... Not allowing them to clean... 

HZ: Guzzling pepper... 

JOY: Guzzling pepper, ha! Keeping his eyes perpetually moist with the pepper, and all just in case Veronica drops by he wants to look repentant. 

HZ: Crying extra-salty tears. 

JOY: Yes. 

HZ: And it's all because they did just break up a couple of episodes ago. So he seemed to respond to it better that time. Maybe because she broke up with him this time, and the previous time he broke up with her. 

JOY: Oh, true. 

HZ: So he felt in control. 

JOY: Yeah. Also, it's like very evident from the way that he's talked about it that he really regrets sleeping with Madison, and to have Veronica discover that and break up with... It's like, to lose somebody that you really care about because of an indiscretion with somebody who you the opposite of really care about, it has to be like extra salt in the wound, you know? 

HZ: Yeah. Although, she was also disgusted by him sleeping with Kendall. It's not the first time that she's encountered Logan sleeping with people she finds disgusting. 

JOY: Yes? 

HZ: I know Madison is a particular nemesis. 

JOY: And also they have totally repositioned it in, as of these episodes, to be like, "Oh, yeah, Madison drugged me."

HZ: Because they're trying to do the Dick redemption thing in season three. 

JOY: Right. 

HZ: Which is a difficult path to set yourself on. 

JOY: I feel like when Dick is fun, he's so fun. So maybe they were just like figuring out that, "Oh, when Ryan Hansen is being a lovable dickwad he can just be so fun, and deliver really wretched lines in like a very fun way." So it's in their interests to work on this redemption path for him, to make him more likeable. 

HZ: But there's Fun Dick, who is occasional, and there's Wretched Dick, who is a much more frequently occurring version of Dick. And also, you know, they could have given him some humanity with him processing his feelings about Cassidy and Cassidy's death, but you see like five seconds of that. 

JOY: They passed. 

HZ: And the parental abandonment and all that. But he's good in this situation of moping Logan locked in his messy room. So he wheels the room service cart into the room:

DICK: Did you hear about the fire in Veronica's neighbourhood? Somebody's meth lab blew up or something. Bet you can see it from the balcony. 

HZ: Then Dick locks him out there, so the hotel staff can clean. 

JOY: If only they could shave him, too. 

HZ: Not sold on the facial hair. 

JOY: Yeah, Jason Dohring five o'clock shadow, not the vibe. Also, is it makeup? 

HZ: I don't think so, because Lucky In A Wig also has short facial hair which definitely looks stick-on. It looks like they just put glue on his face, and then threw some hair clippings onto it. 

JOY: Right. 

HZ: Whereas Logan looks like he may have grown it. After all that, and Dick's emerged from the shower, he goes back out on the balcony and tells Logan about how he's going to fail economics. We also learn Logan is studying astronomy. 

JOY: I love that for him. I want to study astronomy. 

HZ: You could, Jenny. 

JOY: There's nothing stopping me. 

HZ: Get a toolbelt, get an astrolabe. 

JOY: Yes! 

HZ: But Dick also has some other news. 

DICK: So, in other news, I met this girl a couple weeks ago at a party. Hotttttt! Like, volcanic hot. Like, I might have to use an oven mitt to feel her up. Blink if you understand. She's coming here tonight, and she's bringing her sister, who, I might add, she described as practically her twin. By the way, I did a little research on pathetic sad-sackery, and "hot sister" is the recommended treatment.
LOGAN: No thanks.
DICK: You sure? We're thinking about going to the swim team's beach blanket blow-out. You can wear your t-shirt that says, "I'd rather be home crying."

JOY: Quote, "practically her twin."

HZ: That's weird. It's weird that they set that up. 

JOY: It's very weird. 

HZ: But then his date arrives. Melinda and her sister, Heather, who's 11 years old. 

JOY: 11! The pair-up of the century. A real Logan and an 11-year-old girl mess around. 

HZ: Sex is not part of the equation, and it's such a relief. 

JOY: It really is, and maybe this is the only way - maybe it's not the only way, but I think the way that they choose to get Logan out of his funk with this fun interaction with this kid, and the ways in which she ultimately tries to help him with his situation... I don't know, I feel like he gets a lot of perspective from her, and it's really sweet and fun. 

HZ: And she's cool. She's not annoying. So off Dick and Melinda go, and Melinda's not worried about leaving her little sister with a random man who's obviously in not a great state. And then Dick and Melinda don't come back. It's the next day. They're in Vegas. 

JOY: Oh my god. 

HZ: You can see the Eiffel Tower thing in the background of Dick's room. 

JOY: No... 

HZ: And Dick's like, "You owe me because you had sex with Madison." 

JOY: Hmm. Interesting. 

HZ: Melinda's enjoying herself by jumping up and down on the bed in her underwear. 

JOY: Classic hotel room bed girl stuff. 

HZ: Yeah, I haven't seen that in the Neptune Grand suite. I reckon Duncan must have done a lot of jumping up and down, because he seems to take pleasure in the childish, carefree things. 

JOY: Tits out, just jumping up and down, eating popcorn or something. 

HZ: Heather has thoughtfully ordered Logan some eggs from room service, but they're cold. 

JOY: Oh, that was really nice of her. 

HZ: It is nice, although I think with egg, particularly, you do want to make sure the person is up. 

JOY: Yeah, no. Eggs are a dish not best served cold, as I always say. 

HZ: And she asks Logan if all he does is sleep. Asks if he's sick, asks if he wants her to put highlights in his hair, because she's seen season one and she's like, "You could get back to that."

JOY: Yeah, he's like, "No, I just grew my frosted tips out, actually, so no thank you. But here's Mario Kart." Hell yeah. GameCube, I missed that - I stopped gaming between Super Nintendo and Switch, so I missed a handful of Nintendo systems. GameCube was one of them. What about you, Helen? You get funky with Mario Kart? 

HZ: I didn't. A couple of years ago I was staying with friends, and we played, and I drove into a wall and just couldn't reverse out. So while they were going around the track, I was just stuck in a wall. 

JOY: Hey, you know, you do you, Helen. 

HZ: I guess. I think in games I usually just try and stay out of where the action is. 

JOY: That sounds like a nice way to live. 

HZ: Sort of, but it's not a very good way to game. 

JOY: Yeah, I guess that's true. 

HZ: But Logan's having a great time playing Mario Kart with Heather, and she says, "Your life is so cool!"

JOY: I mean, we're all saying it to some degree. Lazing about in your hotel suite all day, sir? 

HZ: They compare local ice creameries. And only at this point does she seem to clock that he's sad over a girl. And she's like, "Is this girl extra-tiny by any chance? Is she the size of an 11-year-old? And if so, could I borrow some of her clothes if she left some? Thanks."

JOY: Dude. 

HZ: Bold. 

JOY: I wonder if this girl gets left in various hotel rooms with strange men a lot while her sister runs off with the dude of the week. 

HZ: She's like, "I've got a procedure now." Eggs, Mario Kart, clothing. She sees that Logan's computer wallpaper is a picture of Veronica. 

HEATHER: Is this your girlfriend?
LOGAN: Mmm. Ex.
HEATHER: She's pretty.
LOGAN: Is she? I hadn't noticed.

HZ: They're interrupted by a call from Dick, who just got married. 

JOY: Oh my god. Fucking... What? 

HZ: Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Just if any TV character goes to Vegas, quickie marriage and quickie divorce must ensue. 

JOY: That's true. It's almost as predictable or reliable as the, if you see a microphone, it will feed back the first time somebody talks into it. 

HZ: And I like that when she asks Logan who's on the phone, he was like, "Oh, it's your brother-in-law." Subtle. 

JOY: Dude. 

HZ: But then she starts pressing him about his break-up. 

JOY: This is the way to get a man to emotionally open up to you. Get him playing Mario Kart and then start peppering him with questions about his love life. His defences are down. 

HZ: She's like, "You left a voicemail? Well, try again." 

JOY: Yeah, try harder. 

HZ: Would you take love advice from an 11-year-old, Jenny? Because my nephew just turned 12, and I know that he would not have given any advice worth shit in the preceding year. 

JOY: Yeah. This girl is such a romantic. Where do you think she gets it from?

HZ: I guess not her sister, if her sister is Vegas-married to Dick. 

JOY: Yeah. 

HZ: He's not ready for this love advice. 

JOY: But ready or not, ready or not, Heather's sneaking off to make her request to the local radio station on Logan's behalf. 

HZ: The song is called ‘What's Left of Me’, and it's by Nick Lachey. 

JOY: It comes on, we see her hear it, she happens to be near a radio in the hotel kitchen when the song comes on. 

[Radio plays ‘What’s Left Of Me’ by Nick Lachey.]
DJ: I've got a dedication going out from a very sad boy to a very special girl. So, if you're out there and you're listening, Veronica, this is from Logan. He's sorry, girl, and he wants you back.
[Veronica switches off the radio.]
JEFF: Take it from the guy who has to clean up after him. You don't want what's left of Logan Echolls. He just lies around in bed all day and smells.

JOY: Sick burn, Jeff Ratner. 

HZ: I guess the song goes on long enough for Logan to not be pleased about it, despite more pep talks from Heather, and then she asks to be taken to the workout room because she's been stuck in this hotel suite for some time now. Which means an awkward elevator ride with Veronica. 

JOY: Oh my god. That feeling when you are in a robe, with a fucking five o'clock shadow, reeking from days of not showering, standing with an 11-year-old child who is wearing the clothes of your ex, when you run into your ex... 

HZ: When you put it like that... 

JOY: It's bad. 

HZ: Heather is so excited to see Veronica though. "Oh my god! It's the girl from the wallpaper!"

JOY: Yeah, she's fucking fangirling out so hard. 

HEATHER: It's her, isn't it? Oh, my God, it's her! Tell her!
LOGAN: Shh.
HEATHER: Tell her how you feel.
LOGAN: Shut up.
HEATHER: Excuse me, Miss Veronica? Yeah, were you listening to super hits 98? 'Cause there was just this dedication.
VERONICA: Yeah, I, um, heard it.
HEATHER: Well, it's true. Logan's sorry, and he misses you. And he wants you back. And you two should get back together. Because he totally loves you -
LOGAN: This is our floor.

JOY: Oh, Heather, nice try. 

HZ: Is Heather playing Logan's id? 

JOY: Ha! 

HZ: She berates Logan for missing the opportunity to win Veronica back. Elevator rides in this life don't come around too often. 

JOY: Logan is so mean to Heather. Sir, that is a child. And then he's all, "Talk to me about love when you know something about it." Dude, she's 11. Relax. 

HZ: I'd still take love advice from Heather over Veronica, honestly. 

JOY: Oh true. 

HZ: Logan is back in his bed of sadness, and Dick calls again. He's driving in a yellow car with Melinda, asking if he knows a divorce lawyer, which is probably the one kind of lawyer Logan hasn't had to use. 

JOY: Right? 

HZ: And hands the phone to Melinda, who then reveals herself to be a gross person worthy of Dick. 

MELINDA: Hey, Logan, is Heather doing okay?
LOGAN: Yeah, is she ever not? Is she always like this, so...bubbly?
MELINDA: That's kind of her new thing. Well, she started acting weird when our dad walked out. I don't think she can get it through her thick skull. It can really wear you out, huh? Just make sure she takes her Prozac, or she'll just drive you nuts.

JOY: Oh my god. Get fucked, Melinda. 

HZ: The show just throws that in?

JOY: Yeah, sure, why not. 

HZ: And Logan's like, "I'll take her for nature's Prozac, ice cream." 

JOY: Nice. 

HZ: At Amy's, a tribute to a famous Austin ice cream parlour by Rob Thomas. 

JOY: Rob Thomas, always making references no one needs. So like, ice cream heals all wounds, and then any wounds left unhealed are healed by additional Mario Kart. They're going to play online, they're going to stay buddies, and then Heather says, "Quit flirting with me, old man."

HZ: Ugh. Why did she have to make it weird? 

JOY: They've gotten this far... Up to this point in the episode I was thinking, like, "Oh, it's so cool that nobody made it weird." It's just two characters. There's not like this auto creep filter that everything has to be viewed through. It's just a situational, odd pairing of two disparate characters. And then, this. Why, Helen? 

HZ: Then they walk into the suite and the newlyweds are there, getting divorced over the alignment of Melinda's toes. Are they trying to imply that Dick is such a perfectionist in women? Because most of what they've shown in the past is implying that Dick will just fuck anything that will be fucked. 

JOY: Maybe for the long term he, you know, marriage, he's looking for something very specific. 

HZ: Right, well then check the toes before the marriage, Dick. 

JOY: True. 

HZ: So off she goes and off Heather goes; and Logan is fixed, and he has a shower and he goes back to class. 

JOY: And he brings his professor an apple. Love that. 

HZ: Now, Jenny, this show has concocted some truly unspeakable things. It's made humans perpetuate horrific acts upon other humans. But perhaps the mystery of the week in episode 12 is the worst. 

JOY: What show has ever asked, "Haven't women suffered enough?" and answered itself with such a resounding, "No! Never!"

HZ: Suf-fer! Suf-fer! 

JOY: This is like Law & Order: SVU shit. 

HZ: Poor Bonnie. Bonnie has been cool the brief times she's shown up before. She's been fun. She's a sexperson, and therefore must be punished. The last time we saw Bonnie was at the party in episode nine where she and Tim had a noisy showdown, while he just came in and shouted at her because she was making out with Dick, and Tim is her boyfriend. And before that, we saw her exiting a frat house after presumably having sexpeopled with a frat person. 

JOY: Yeah. 

HZ: She knows from her boyfriend, Lucky In A Wig, that Veronica has detective powers, and therefore needs her help. 

JOY: Helennn... 

HZ: Do you want me to say that so that you don't have to, Jenny? 

JOY: Mm-hmm. 

HZ: Bonnie had been pregnant, and then someone slipped her RU-486, a drug which causes miscarriage, and she wants Veronica to find out who did it. 

JOY: Fuck this show. 

HZ: And she was like, "Well, I wasn't sure if I was pregnant by Dick, who would have paid for a termination if it had been his. Or it could have been Lucky In A Wig's, who was very supportive." And he found out because Bonnie's parents sent a grandma and grandpa balloon bouquet. Good grief. Imagine finding out that your girlfriend was pregnant that way. 

JOY: No, I refuse. 

BONNIE: Any other guy would have lost it, but Tim offered to marry me.
VERONICA: Your parents sent balloons?
BONNIE: Turns out our family doctor's not the firmest believer in the whole doctor/patient confidentiality...which, um, kind of changed the equation in terms of keeping the baby or not, because my parents are pretty religious. And then, you know, Tim wanted me to keep the baby.
VERONICA: I'll see what I can find out.
BONNIE: Just please, Veronica, don't let Tim know I hired you. I would feel horrible if he even thought for a second that I didn't trust him.

JOY: The way that it goes is so shocking. You're set up to think, "Oh, her parents are really religious, oh, her dad is like a TV preacher, oh my god, what kind of devious fucked up shit?" And then Veronica, of course, does her undercover fake teen pregnancy consultation with him, and he gets so emotional, and talking about how his excitement to meet his grandchild so greatly outweighed his regrets about the circumstances, and then he gets choked up and tells Veronica, masquerading as Hester, that his daughter lost the baby. You think it's going to be like the big, bad, evil church, but no. 

HZ: We could just skip to who the big bad evil is, because it's also not the big, bad, evil anti-abortion publishers. 

JOY: No, it's fucking Phillise. 

HZ: Bonnie's roommate. 

JOY: Is Phillise in love with Bonnie? Phillise is like, "Bonnie wants to be the female Indiana Jones, Bonnie wants this, Bonnie wants that, I know what is best for Bonnie, I'm going to slip her a drug that causes her to lose her pregnancy."

HZ: Yeah, because she didn't think Lucky In A Wig or Dick were suitable for Bonnie and she didn't want her to throw her life away. It's like when Trish sabotaged Armie Hammer's sports career, when they could have just had a conversation about how she thought he was being mistreated. Phillise could have been like, "Look, I don't admire either of these guys, but I'll be a supportive friend to you and whatever you choose with your pregnancy," but she doesn't. She commits a truly heinous crime that would ruin their friendship forever, you would assume. 

JOY: Oh, yeah. There's no coming back from this. 

HZ: I fucking hope not. And it's also very time-consuming for Veronica. Going to the church under a fake identity, going to the women's health clinic, having a fake tantrum so the janitor will let her into Lucky's office so she can comb through his computer. 

JOY: Impressive tantrum. I took notes. 

HZ: Let us know if it works out as well for you as it does for Veronica. 

VERONICA: Uuuurrrgh! [Sobs loudly.]
JANITOR: Are you okay?
VERONICA: No! This is, like, the worst day ever of my entire life! I was supposed to meet my brother at his office, and he's not here, and he's not picking up his cell, and he's not even my brother anyway because my parents just told me I'm adopted! 

JOY: I love the cherry on top of, "...and he's not even my real brother because my parents just told me I'm adopted!"

HZ: This also just takes her a long time. She goes and she finds out it's basically impossible for a man to have obtained this pill, because you're supposed to take it in front of the doctor. And yet she doesn't think, well, maybe a not-man obtained the pill. 

JOY: Do they talk about how Phillise got it? 

HZ: I think the assumption is Phillise pretended she needed an abortion, they did zero pregnancy tests on her, and then she, like, hid the pill in her cheek or something?

JOY: I cannot imagine that they would administer this medication without doing a pregnancy test. 

HZ: You would have thought. 

JOY: Maybe she... Because she's also in love with Bonnie, maybe she's been storing jars of Bonnie's urine to use for just such an occasion. Cool. 

HZ: An incidental thing in this is that they go to this anti-abortion publisher and flip through this big book of photos of people leaving the abortion clinic, and this redhead that Dick has gone off with earlier... 

JOY: Nadia. 

HZ: Nadia is in the book, and so it leads Veronica back to Nadia. For why, though? What's the significance of Nadia in the end? 

JOY: Nothing... So far? 

HZ: And what's what's the significance of the clinic pictures? 

JOY: You know what is significant, I think, is that it gives the opportunity for the Dick Casablancas-Veronica Mars type of interaction that I am signed up for. 

VERONICA: Wow. Impressive. I hear Modern Breasts is a really hard class.
DICK: The rebound starts with me? Nice!
VERONICA: That redhead from the other day, Nadia. Does she have a last name?
DICK: Comaneci. What?
VERONICA: Dick, do you think I'm an idiot? Nadia Comaneci is an Olympic gymnast from Romania.
DICK: You sure? I mean, she doesn't have an accent.
VERONICA: Don't play dumb, Dick. Some girl I see you hugging on pops up at the women's clinic a week after Bonnie told you she's pregnant? I have to ask. Was she picking something up for you? DICK: Hopefully a box of sponges. Look, if we're not gonna have an empty sexual encounter, I kind of got stuff to do, so...

HZ: It concerns me, though, that Dick seems to think sponges are a viable form of contraception, when they have an extremely high failure rate. 

JOY: Oh, I just assumed he meant like for a sponge bath, but considering it was that kind of clinic it would make a lot more sense for it to be the contraceptive. I'm gay, if I haven't made that very clear. Um... OK. What else...? OK, the coach's murder, the dean's murder... So many murders, Helen. We are murder-rich. It's an embarrassment of murders. 

HZ: Shall we do the new murder first? 

JOY: Let's do the new murder. 

HZ: Because also there's a little bit of Wallice. 

JOY: Thank god. We love to see him. I know that you were probably not thrilled to see him in the context of all the basketball players getting yelled at. 

HZ: Well, I was still relieved that it wasn't someone forcing abortion pills into another person. 

JOY: Yes. 

HZ: I was like, "Yeah, sport's fine." I'd take Mandy's missing dog again if necessary. 

JOY: Ha. What about the parrot? The parrot was great, because it combined a missing animal plot and a sports plot, all in one convenient package for you, Helen. All your favourites in one place. 

HZ: I would definitely prefer the parrot plot to the abortion pill plot. Any day. 

JOY: Same. 

HZ: They could have just stolen Bonnie's pet, for God's sake. 

JOY: OK, so the team is losing. The coach is yelling. The coach's son, Josh, who is the star player, quits in the middle of the game, but then! Later that night, it is revealed that the coach has been murdered. 

HZ: That's how people solve problems, or at least let out their anger: they just go straight to murder as the plan. 

JOY: Quit fucking around and get right to the good stuff. 

HZ: At least they don't throw suspicion on Wallace this episode. 

JOY: No. 

HZ: But we do learn that Wallace and his supposed friend Mason, the one who was getting him into trouble in that episode where he was failing in his class and Mason was like, "Doesn't matter, come and party with me and some girls," he and Wallace are no longer getting along, because Wallace is starting in Mason's place. Wallace presumedly is doing well enough with the class to be back on the team. 

JOY: Yeah, yeah. So, some suspicion gets tossed on to Mason. Some suspicion gets tossed onto the PCHers - who, it turns out, are now being led by Arturo. 

HZ: Pizza mugger. That's a step up for him. 

JOY: I love that Weevil gets Arturo to show up somewhere, and there he is with Veronica, and she's like, "Oh, you're in charge? I taped you to a pole last season."

HZ: But the majority of suspicion is landing upon Coach Barry's son Josh, and Josh and his mum turn up at Mars HQ at Cliff's behest, asking the Marses to investigate. Then there's a lot of misdirection and bollocks. So what do we learn that's actually useful? Josh found his father lying bloody at the side of the road, having been shot. When he got home, his mum made him take a shower, so that the sight of a bloody Josh didn't traumatise his younger brother. 

JOY: Red flags going up all over the place, Helen. 

HZ: Didn't we learn from the Kanes not to wash the son's bloody clothes? 

JOY: Yes. 

HZ: It makes you look guilty. 

JOY: It really does. 

HZ: Josh has got the coach's NIT championship ring, which he just found in his locker, and he assumed his dad had put it there as a peace offering. When Keith asked, "Did coach have any enemies?" he's like, "Well, there was that absolute dick who, a couple of episodes ago, turned up being like, 'I had some of the best years of my life being in a frat at this university, so you'd better reopen the frats or else, because I'm a rich man'." 

JOY: Yeah, Captain Cigar? That guy sucks. 

HZ: Apparently he was on his private plane at the time of the murder, though, so don't even bother. He's got a very eclectically dressed office. 

JOY: Yeah, a lot of taxidermy in the waiting room. 

HZ: Ther's a lot of taxidermy, there's a big Buddha head, there's a big blue bronze-looking horse. There's like a huge clock. 

JOY: Alright. 

HZ: And then the dickhead is just in his office practicing his putting. 

JOY: Sure. 

HZ: While keeping Keith waiting an hour. That's how rude he is, and how much of a tool he is. 

JOY: Nobody makes Keith Mars wait. 

HZ: Josh shows Veronica the spot where he found his dad. It looks like the car went over a cliff. 

JOY: Wouldn't you think the police might have noticed a pair of tire treads going off the fucking cliff into the ocean? 

HZ: They are supposed to take a look at stuff like that. 

JOY: That kind of thing. 

HZ: Josh looks slightly startled for a minute when Veronica discovers this, and is he startled because of the car being thrown off the cliff, or because she's discovered something that she shouldn't have? 

JOY: He gets way too close to her, and they're right on the edge of the cliff, but nothing happens. 

HZ: Well, what happens is they get back to Josh's house and he's arrested by Sheriff Lamb, and put in the jail. 

JOY: He asks Veronica for some reading material, and some peanut butter cookies, and a hacksaw, and she bakes some peanut butter cookies and hides them in a book so that Sheriff Lamb won't steal them. 

HZ: Do they not check? 

JOY: They didn't even riffle the pages on these fucking books?

HZ: It's a big hardback copy of The Count of Monte Cristo, the jailbreak classic. 

JOY: Yeah. 

HZ: She also catches up with Mason, who doesn't know Veronica, and tells her that he'd driven past and seen Josh and his dad arguing by the side of the road, even though maybe the angles don't add up to Veronica, and he's just like, "Screw you," and goes off, and you're like, "Surprising we don't see that reaction more."

JOY: Yeah, it is surprising. Also, they could have just been standing facing each other in profile to the perspective of the person driving down the highway. Like, it's entirely possible that he could have gotten a good look at both of them. 

HZ: Yeah, exactly. Because cars move. Anyway, he's got an alibi. Keith has confirmed it. That's that for Veronica's theory. When she drops off the cookies and book to Josh, he still theorises that Mason killed his dad because of sportsball reasons, and he lies in his bunk eating cookies. But then the last bit of this plot in this episode is Veronica getting arrested for aiding and abetting Josh's jailbreak. 

JOY: Oh my god, what happened? Did he read The Count of Monte Cristo and figure out how to bust out of jail? Did she actually put a hacksaw inside that book? Or was it... Something else? Do you remember? I remember. 

HZ: I can't remember. I guess I'm going to find out in the next recap. 

JOY: Well... Yeah, you're going to find out. 

HZ: And she's arrested in Landry's class, where he's banging on about serial killers. And that's the other murder plot we investigate this episode, the dean's murder. 

JOY: Oh my god. 

HZ: And the great thing about it is... 

JOY: Keith sings! 

VERONICA: What? You got nothing?
KEITH: Hmm. Maybe I'm not in the mood.
VERONICA: Amuse me, dammit, amuse me now!
KEITH: [singing] I finally got the police report on the dean's suicide! 

JOY: Nothing so glorious as Keith's musical rendition of the case update that he gives to Veronica. What a delight. Especially, he even jazz hands it at the end. 

HZ: Love a Keith dance move, even if it's just a little jazz hand. I'll take it. 

JOY: Give us a noir musical starring Enrico Colantoni, with powers. 

HZ: This police report does not mention that the dean's office was egged. Veronica gets to tell Keith about Nish, her enemy, saying that the dean was going to regret firing her as editor. Which must be murder, right? Because that's how you settle any grievance. 

JOY: In Neptune, the only way to settle a grievance is... [Noise] That was the sound of me decapitating someone with my thumb. 

HZ: Got a very sharp thumb. And the Dreaded Feminists were on an egging spree the night the dean died. 

JOY: Ah, they'll stop at nothing!

HZ: So Keith's got to go undercover to talk to these Dreaded Feminists, because they're not going to talk to Veronica because she's really fucked it. 

JOY: Keith dressed up as the sheriff. He's so mean. 

HZ: That was a surprising sight!

JOY: I love when Veronica says, "You're just missing one thing," and brings him a boombox and then instructs him on how to thrust his pelvis towards the bachelorette, because it is her special night. 

HZ: It seems to me like you're not allowed to dress up as a sheriff unless you are one. 

JOY: Well, unless you have tearaway pants on. That is the caveat. 

HZ: Episode 11 opens with Veronica and Logan in the cafeteria, and she's trying to cute him into giving her a french fry. Veronica reads The Lampoon. The whole front page is just the word EGG. 

JOY: "Quevosnacht." Does that mean... "Egg Night"? 

HZ: Yes. 

JOY: And it's like... Spanish for "eggs", and German for "night". Is that right? 

HZ: A multilingual portmanteau. I think maybe a little insensitive, Kristallnacht-wise, as well as dean being murdered-wise. Veronica posits to Weevil that the Lampoon offices had been egged the night after the dean reinstated the Greeks, and the Pi Sigma Party was egged by people, and she was like, "It's obviously the Dreaded Feminists: the Hearst statue was egged, and the dean's office was egged," and Weevil's like, "Yeah, people just don't think that if they egg the dean's office it's me cleaning it up," and of course this is personal for Weevil, having to clean up the egg, and also his friend was murdered." 

JOY: Dude. Yeah. 

HZ: So anyway, Keith goes to Claire's abode and her hair's growing out a bit, although still looking extremely fake. Fern is also there, and they very reasonably state the dean didn't shoot himself because his office got egged. 

JOY: Yeah, that seems reasonable. Correct. 

HZ: And then they seem shocked when Keith suggests that the dean was murdered, and he was like, "Who else was with you?" And they were like, "Well, Nish was around for some of it, but not all of it," and he just starts shouting at them about where was Nish. And usually I love Power Keith getting what he wants, but in this, where he's faking being a sheriff, he's there on this shit theory that if you'd egg someone you'd also shoot them: it's not good Marsing. 

JOY: No, no, no, no, no. 

HZ: And then Nish appears and is like, "This guy's not a cop, he's a private eye, and this is illegal to impersonate a cop. Nonetheless, I'll tell you that I was busy egging the dean's beloved Volvo." And as Keith makes his way away from this, he pulls up at a light next to Lamb's car. 

JOY: Yeah, I love this glance they share through car windows at a red light. It's so great. 

HZ: Sheriff to fake sheriff. 

JOY: Yeah, maybe Lamb is on his way to a strippergram engagement, about to thrust his pelvis in the general direction of the bachelorette. 

HZ: Lamb does walk into rooms pelvis first. 

JOY: I know, man. He's like a fucking divining rod. 

HZ: Then the revelation that Nish had egged the dean's Volvo - but Keith says the dean was driving the minivan because Mindy had done that car swap, remember? And yet she didn't mention that, and Keith is curious as to why. 

JOY: It's going to get weirder in a minute. But first, we learn that Mindy and Keith live just ten blocks apart. He stops by on a Backup walk. 

HZ: Oh, she's excited to see Backup. She's like, "Hey, Ke-... Helloooo!" 

JOY: Yes, that makes me like and trust this woman, that her immediate gut reaction to Backup is positive. Sometime after this exchange, she gives Keith a call at night saying that someone is in the house. She and the kids are upstairs in the bedroom and can he come by, because he's closer than the police and more competent. 

HZ: Odd. 

JOY: It's Steve Batando. 

HZ: Remember him? 

JOY: Uh, now I do, yeah. 

HZ: Remember him, old bone marrow dad? 

JOY: Bone marrow dad. Here he is, not looking so great, and trying to carry a... Like, turkey out or something? When Keith hits him on the back of the head he falls to the ground and drops what appears to be a turkey out of the refrigerator. I'm telling you, Helen, it's there, I swear. 

HZ: Maybe he's peckish. 

JOY: The general idea that we get is that, since the dean died, Mindy hasn't been able to make her hush money payments to him. So he has fallen upon hard times, the Porsche has been repo'd, he seems to be having a meth situation... 

HZ: And as he leaves the house, he pulls a big bunch of lilies out of a vase and takes the vase with him. 

JOY: Brutal. 

HZ: Not sure why - does he think it's got some resale value? 

JOY: If it's like a fancy crystal vase, he might be able to pawn it for something. 

HZ: We see Jason, the recipient of the bone marrow transplant, because he comes down to hug his dad in an awkward, stiff way. And we also see their oldest son, Gram, who's got black nail polish and listens to angry music. 

JOY: Yeah, he's gothing out pretty hard. 

HZ: And the dean had been thinking of sending him to teenage discipline school. Because people just do that, rather than... 

JOY: Deal with stuff. 

HZ: Keith pretends he wants a drink for his jangling nerves, but instead he goes into the garage to find a tiny little bit of eggshell under the Volvo's windshield wiper. 

JOY: Got a very small window of time, and in that window of time he manages to find an almost invisible fleck of eggshell. Good job, Detective Keith. 

HZ: Something that also happens is, when Veronica breaks in to Lucky In A Wig's office to investigate Bonnie's case, she sets up a camera so that she can see him typing in his password later, to hack into his computer. His password is "DickTracy". 

JOY: I don't know about that password, man. 

HZ: Not even alphanumeric. 

JOY: And this was Landry's previous protegé? 

HZ: She finds that on his desktop he's got a file called "Dean O'Dell - Suicide?" You know, much like how she used to have obtrusive desktop files about the Lilly Kane murder case. And then it's got sub-folders titled "Forensics", "Suspects", and "Witnesses". There's only two people in the witness file, Weevil and someone called Anthony Martin, who is someone who heard the shot. But he was not in the police file, and he couldn't give a time. 

JOY: Until Veronica presses him, and he remembers that he was watching Space Ghost Coast To Coast, which airs at 2:30am. 

HZ: Tell me about Space Ghost. 

JOY: Helen. Space Ghost Coast To Coast... It is so chaotic. I believe Space Ghost was like an old school, like Golden Age, comic superhero, who was repurposed on Adult Swim. He has like a late show, he sits at a desk. He has a bandleader, the way that late night hosts tend to do, but it's a mantis who plays a circular keyboard that goes all the way around him. And the producer, Moltar, is this guy in a welding mask, who's in a separate room constantly changing the camera angles. And they have guests that you kind of can't believe. Hanson is on an episode, I think Michael Stipe is on an episode. All these random musicians and personalities and stuff, and the way that they work them into the show, because it's an animated cartoon, of course, is that a little TV will just like flash on, and Space Ghost interviews his guests from this little TV that appears next to him. 

HZ: Like a Zoom call.

JOY: Exactly. Proto-Zoom. But it's very chaotic. It's super non-sequitur. Nothing makes sense. I would highly recommend that you check out an episode, but you will also feel like you are high watching it, even if you are stone cold sober. 

HZ: Great. So... Dean murder. 

JOY: Oh, right. 

HZ: Keith starts to question Mindy's alibi, and Landry's alibi, because if they were together at the night of the dean's death, why did she call him at 1:32 in the morning? And she's like, "Ah, I went down to the hotel lobby to buy him toothpaste and then forgot what brand he liked," and... Just to put it out there, I get my husband to call my phone quite often because I frequently cannot find it. 

JOY: Oh yeah, there's that. 

HZ: In the event of a death situation, just please bear that in mind if the call logs are being investigated. He'll sometimes text me just from another room because he can't be bothered to get out of bed to ask me to bring him some tea or something. It's terrible. We don't live in a particularly big place. It's not like he's got to place a call to the east wing of the house. So then Keith calls Professor Landry, who thinks it's a crime that Keith is even investigating this as a murder, not a suicide. 

JOY: Hmm, interesting. 

HZ: But Landry, without hesitation, says, "Oh, she called me to ask which toothpaste I liked." Which means both Marses are asking staff members of the Neptune Grand to divulge stuff to find this alibi. 

JOY: Veronica finds out from Tina that Jeff Ratner was working the graveyard shift, because that was his punishment after he got caught stealing all the shampoo - "Stealing" in quotes, all the little shampoos. And he tells Veronica that he delivered the crème brûlée, or he was trying to deliver the crème brûlée that night, but he heard people fighting, so he left and brought it back later. Two men fighting. Isn't that interesting? 

HZ: And the dean did go over there, because we saw that scene. He also found that the Volvo was checked out at 1:51am and returned at 2:59am, putting both the alibis under question. 

JOY: Oh my god. 

HZ: Does Veronica know who would give out the registration receipts? Of course she does! Tina! 

JOY: Tina! 

HZ: Tina's like, "Hi, Logan's girlfriend, sure, I'll tell you all this information without even wondering why you ask for it all the time." And she learns that "Rory Finch", the fake name that they use for their sex peopling times, hasn't checked in since December 10th, the murder time, and they got room service, and they rented Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. 

JOY: Right. Veronica finds a way to work it into conversation to find out if Landry knows how the movie ends, and he does, which is not really proof of anything because he could have watched that movie... 

HZ: Any time. 

JOY: Any time. 

HZ: He also says that Veronica has got through to the next round of the FBI internship program, after a glowing letter of recommendation was added to her application by the dean. Which means the Marsds are like, "Let's get this guy's killer behind bars, to thank him for this nice letter." Them Mindy shows up at Mars Investigations after Keith places an urgent call, and she is not able to satisfy his questions about Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. To be fair, like, I've watched lots of films that I cannot remember anything about at all. 

JOY: Yes, this is dumb. Yeah, she fires him, but he says, "You can fire me, but I'm staying on the case."

HZ: We've got two murder plots happening now. Don't you think this would be a bit of a sensation, two members of faculty at one college being murdered? 

JOY: Yes. Mmm, well, wherever Veronica goes, crimes of various degrees follow. 

HZ: So we will accompany these plotlines into further episodes. 

JOY: Yeah. 

HZ: Seems like a lot of crimes have been committed these episodes. Several by Veronica. So let's find out what, and how, and why, and punishments, from our resident legal expert Lo Dodds, for today's LoDown. 

THE LODOWN

JOY: Happy New Year, Lo, but let's launch in with a problem that I'm sure we covered in the old year: is it legal to hire sex workers for other people who do not know that that person is a hired sex worker? 

LO DODDS: Yeah, new year, same crime. 

HZ: Thanks, show. 

LO DODDS: There are a couple of different crimes involved in this. So obviously, if you're in a jurisdiction that doesn't allow prostitution, you can be charged with prostitution or solicitation. However, if the sex act doesn't actually occur it's really hard to prove attempted prostitution. And obviously it's not illegal to hire someone to talk to you about Battlestar Galactica. So, you probably get a pass for that. Obviously, there is rape by fraud. Those cases normally happen when someone pretends to be someone else and they end up having sex because they believe it's their boyfriend or whoever. 

JOY: Like in Single White Female? 

LO DODDS: Yes, yes, exactly like in Single White Female. 

JOY: Great. 

HZ: What is new is Veronica trying to blackmail a judge. 

LO DODDS: She blackmails everybody. 

JOY: Is blackmailing a judge worse than blackmailing a civilian?

LO DODDS: Blackmailing a public figure... So extortion is usually defined as getting money or some valuables from a person by using threats or force. But there's a subcategory of that, is when you extort a public official to do an official act. So she's just extorting him as a normal citizen. This is still attempted extortion, because he doesn't actually go through with paying her the money. But, yes, it's a felony, and she could be looking at up to four years if she'd been convicted. 

HZ: Ugh. 

JOY: What about slipping somebody pills to force them to have a miscarriage? Is that murder? Or does it depend on the state? 

LO DODDS: This has actually happened a couple of times. 

JOY: Oh, no. Oh no. 

LO DODDS: You can be charged with murder. There's someone that's away for over 20 years for this, but there are quite a lot of crimes that get charged along with this. Let's see... Stealing the drugs, obtaining the drugs, distribution of the drugs... Administering the drugs is poisoning, that's a felony charge. And then you're also charged with murder. 

HZ: Then Bonnie's doctor has told Bonnie's parents about the pregnancy. What kind of penalties would there be for breaking patient confidentiality like that? 

LO DODDS: So this is a big problem, because it's covered by state and federal law. So you have the federal law, which is HIPA. So you're talking about breaches of confidentiality, HIPA violations. Those come with some serious fines for this doctor. There's civil liability for invasion of privacy, there's malpractice actions; he could lose his licence, depending on whether this is his first offence of doing this, whether this was just because of the family relationship, or whether this doctor tends to make a moral judgement whenever he has an unmarried woman show up who is pregnant before him. So, yeah, he's in a lot of trouble. 

JOY: OK. Keith donning his old sheriff's uniform. Don't you have to give that back when you're no longer sheriff? 

LO DODDS: No. 

HZ: What?!

JOY: You get to keep it as a souvenir?

LO DODDS: No, you get to keep it when you leave the force. It's your uniform. 

JOY: Even if you were booted in disgrace?

LO DODDS: I mean, I assume they're not going to refit it. It's got all of his badges, like your sergeant bars or whatever you have on there. That's your uniform. You get to keep it - but you cannot keep it to impersonate a police officer. 

JOY: Right. 

HZ: Is it legal to egg a house, or egg a car, or egg a statue? 

LO DODDS: Egging is considered vandalism, so it all depends on how much damage it causes. So anything that causes under $400 is a misdemeanour, or you can be charged with a felony. If it's more than $400... It doesn't usually cause that much damage. I had my house egged when I was a kid. My dad was really pissed because it took the paint off the door, but I still think that was probably less than $400 in damage. 

JOY: Yeah, my house was also egged when I was in high school, and I was just wondering what the statute of limitations on vandalism in the state of New Jersey is, Lo. Thanks. 

LO DODDS: Do you have the receipt for the damage still? 

JOY: The receipt was just my stepdad being mad at me and being like, "What did you do that made somebody egg our house?"

HZ: How feasible is it that Veronica could smuggle things in a hollowed-out book to someone in jail? 

LO DODDS: It's not that feasible. Most of the time when you're sending gifts to incarcerated people, you have to pick from like a catalogue of stuff that then gets sent to them. You don't really have the right to just send whatever you want to them, with some exceptions. You can send reading material or mail or money, but they are pretty strict about it and they would search it and they would find the cookies. So I don't think it would be very likely that this would happen. Escape from a prison can be charged as a misdemeanour or felony, depending on whether you're using violence or force. So I'm not sure that violence or force really applies here, but yes, the fact that he's breaking out, that could be added to his potential eventual prison sentence, and Veronica, once again, aiding and abetting. 

JOY: She loves to aid and abet. 

LO DODDS: We don't think she aided and abetted, but that would be the charge. 

HZ: If she did, what do you get for aiding and abetting to the extent that someone manages to escape? 

LO DODDS: You get their same penalty. So if it was a misdemeanour because he didn't use violence or threats, and then he'd be charged with misdemeanour, less than a year, felonies over a year. 

JOY: Now we come to a question about my kink: crushing Madison's car, Weevil crushing Madison's car in a big piece of machinery, preferably while wearing a toolbelt. What kind of crime would that be for Veronica, and what kind of crime would that be for Weevil? And while you answer, I'll just be furiously typing in the PornHub search bar, "bald Weevil crushes evil bitch's car". 

LO DODDS: So you have grand theft. 

HZ: Why is it grand? 

JOY: Yeah, what's so grand about it? Sell us, Lo. 

LO DODDS: It's money, it's the amount of value. But grand theft usually refers to the permanent deprivation of their property. So if Weevil is going to crush Madison's car into a tiny, tiny cube, that is permanently depriving her of the car, he is intending to permanently deprive her of the car. 

HZ: What if he gives her the cube? 

JOY: Oh, true. 

LO DODDS: It's no longer a car. That's art. 

JOY: Probably worth more. Art appreciates quickly. 

LO DODDS: Exactly. She could write it off on her taxes. But yeah, so that's going to be grand theft. That's a felony. Veronica is aiding and abetting. 

JOY: I will privately be thinking about the implications of the term ‘joyriding’ as they pertain to Weevil and my initials. Please carry on. 

LO DODDS: You gotta make everything dirty. 

JOY: I... Is it dirty? Is it wrong? Is it so wrong for a young woman in her prime to love Weevil? 

VERDICT

JOY: Helen. Just fucking crawling on my hands and knees through this desert of show. 

HZ: Go on, you liked the bit where Logan was friends with an 11-year-old. So wholesome. 

JOY: I did like that bit. I liked the bit where Weevil was wearing a toolbelt. I actually liked all of this, but the trend continues of my ideal viewing of Veronica Mars being in three episode clusters. It's really working for me. 

HZ: Yes, although I found the first two of this cluster to be very, very hard to get through. 

JOY: They were unfortunately plotted. 

HZ: Did you notice that this season there's a lot more screen time for white people? 

JOY: Dude. Yes. Where's Weevil? Where's Wallace? 

HZ: Great questions. 

JOY: Wallace is barely even in the episode that he's in. 

HZ: Yeah, and the show gets praised for having the Marsverse, where characters that you see fleetingly come back in later episodes because they're all at the same educational establishment; fine. But then people who remain featured characters, you barely see. 

JOY: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. 

HZ: Were there any lines you enjoyed? 

JOY: Yes. While I don't like where this is going, I do love the form of it, which is when Veronica says to Bonnie, "I'm looking for the least rude way to ask you if you know who the father is, and that's what I came up with." I love a question that you don't know how to ask, framed as a question that you don't know how to ask. 

HZ: Gets the job done. 

JOY: It does. What did you favour? 

HZ: I liked it when Veronica comes home, and she does a lot of entering a room whilst monologuing with no response, just carries on doing it, until the ball is well and truly dropped, and in this case Keith is just like, "Please stop," and she's like, "Amuse me, dammit, amuse me now," and he sings, "I've finally got the police report on the dean's suiciiiide!" And yet it doesn't stop her from doing this thing. She then does it and walks into the room where the coach's family are, going, "He's been murdered, our son's accused, help," and she's just there like bantersaurus rex. 

JOY: Oh my... Ha! 

HZ: How do you rate this...? 

JOY: Yeah, I mean, a lot of lows. 

HZ: Lots. 

JOY: Lot of highs. 

HZ: Not so many highs. A spiky line, rather than plateaus with some crevasses. 

JOY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to give this a solid 3.25, this grouping. 

HZ: Yeah. 

JOY: 3.25 sets of very interesting lingerie. 

HZ: I, I think you've gathered, hated the mysteries of the week in episodes 11 and 12. I liked the third episode quite a bit. It was nice to see Dick not being completely nauseating. It's nice to see Logan and Heather being pals. 

JOY: Yeah. 

HZ: So mainly on the strength of that, but still weighed down by the other two, I'll give these episodes 2.4 shards of eggshell. 

JOY: Wow. Well, is that these three episodes of Veronica Mars investigated? 

HZ: Better be, Jenny. 

JOY: Dear lord. 

HZ: Better be case closed. 

---

JOY: That was Veronica Mars Investigations Season 3 Episodes 11, 12 and 13: There’s Gotta Be a Poughkeepsie Mortem.

HZ: Watch season 3 episodes 14, 15 and 16, and join us next time to investigate them. 

JOY: Find the show on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @VMIpod.

HZ: The website, where the show lives along with ALL the salt and pepper shakers, is vmipod.com. And you can find all the episodes and the transcripts there. 

JOY: Oh yeah, I am and have been and shall continue to be Jenny Owen Youngs. I spent a lot of my time making music, which you can find out more about at jennyowenyoungs.com. And I also spent a lot of my time talking about another petite blonde protagonist over on Buffering the Vampire Slayer, which you can find in all the pod places. 

HZ: Marvellous. I'm Helen Zaltzman and I do other podcasts, Answer Me This and the Allusionist, entertainment shows with facts and to make your brain stop thinking about whatever terrible thing it's thinking about just for a bit, just to get you through, to take the edge off. What's taking my edge off? Nothing. 

JOY: Sorry about all your edges, Helen.

HZ: Spiky. 

JOY: This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman. Thanks to Ian Steadman for the transcript.

HZ: The music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs.

JOY: The sheriff of this town is Hrishikesh Hirway. 

HZ: Until next time, who’s your daddy?

JOY: Who’s your daddy? 

HZ: He's dressed up as a sheriff. 

JOY: Tearaway pants? 

HZ: I'm not going to check. 

JOY: Cool, but I'll ask eyewitnesses.