VMI 3.080910 Lord of the Spit Monkey transcript

Listen to this episode at vmipod.com/3-080910

Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes storylines concerning murder, rape, assault, violence and suicide. 

A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS: 

• Real life Patty Hearst plays a fake Hearst; and real life kidnapped person Patty Hearst plays a fake kidnapped person. It’s all something to do with share prices and a rich-people divorce settlement and she AND her husband have both been having affairs with the dog walker?

• Update on Frats vs Dreaded Feminists: head fratter Chip is found unconscious, with his head shaved and a plastic egg shoved up his bum with a cryptic message inside.

• And the Dreaded Feminists make Veronica wonder whether all the rapes were fake, but NO, they were real, and the rapist has got Veronica cornered and drugged again.

• The Dean hires Keith to investigate whether his wife Mindy is cheating on him with her colleague. She isn’t - but she is, of course, cheating on him with the Dean’s colleague Professor Landry.

• And having confronted them in bed together, the Dean is found dead with a gunshot wound to the head. It’s ruled a suicide, but... is it actually murder?

• And after all that, I’m actually relieved to sit through another stolen animals plot, wherein Veronica and Mac infiltrate an animal rights group to get back a lab monkey and twenty rats. 

• There’s even another culturally insensitive hat party!

• But it’s all worth it, because Mac meets a cute guy! 

• And they get the monkey back! 

• (And the rats, but nobody cares about them.)

JOY: I care about the rats!

JOY: Blocking your sun, I’m Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: And not doing much activism because it cuts into my partying, I’m Helen Zaltzman.

You’re listening to Veronica Mars Investigations Season 3 Episodes 8, 9 and 10: Lord of the Spit Monkey.

HZ: What a packed triple episode. I was exhausted and excited. 

JOY: Yeah, Helen. Really took it out of me, watching these episodes. 

HZ: It was a bit like a season finale, but only in episodes eight and nine. 

JOY: Yeah, it's so weird that this is mid-season. 

HZ: So, shall we start with Patty Actual Hearst, of the actual Hearsts? Although they've kind of created a fake parallel Hearsts who have, like, Hearst Mart, rather than a media empire. 

JOY: Right. This is just like a kitsch casting of convenience. 

HZ: Oh, that alliterated. I think also to make you believe that the character is kidnapped, because Patty Hearst was really kidnapped. 

JOY: Right. Right. 

HZ: Then there's also that theme from the Neptune prison experiment that comes up in these episodes, where the captive is in thrall to the captor, and she was a famous example of that. 

JOY: Ah, OK. All right, I guess. 

HZ: But in this, she's playing Selma Hearst Rose. She is like a living reference to the Hearsts, but also to Selma and Patty from The Simpsons. There's a Citizen Kane reference, because she's married to Budd Rose. Get it? Budd Rose. Budd Rose. 

JOY: Oh my god. 

HZ: Budd Rose. Or Percy Sledge - that would have been a funny husband for her to have. 

JOY: Dude, this is a lot of stuff. 

HZ: Cultural references!

JOY: I don't know if any of it is particularly necessary. 

HZ: Do you see, Jenny! Rob Thomas has seen other things!

JOY: Yes, at least three of them. Got it. 

HZ: She has the deciding vote as to whether the university is going to shut down the frats and the sororities, and before that there's an event at which she's going to do a speech, and because there's a microphone on television, it means that when someone starts speaking into it, it has to squeak. That's the rules. 

JOY: Mmm, grrr... This is one of my real... This is one of my pet peeves about film and TV. I've probably talked about it on this show before, so I don't need to repeat myself, but... 

HZ: Or do you repeat yourself until they stop doing it? 

JOY: Stop doing this. Just... Please. Oh, god, it's so stupid. 

HZ: Veronica is also there, because she's back working for the newspaper again because Nish has been booted out, and I was wondering whether she initiated the reunion with the newspaper or whether they just went and like re-employed everyone that didn't get on with Nish? The new editor is a white man, so that's Veronica's preference. 

JOY: Hurray. 

HZ: Oh, yeah, and Veronica's mum, Lianne, loved Selma Hearst. Loved her. Had a poster. 

JOY: Sure, why not? 

VERONICA: My mom, California's last flower child, loved her. She had a poster of her; you know the shot I'm talking about?
WILSON: Flying over Watts in '73, dumping out sacks of cash, her entire trust fund. She's giving the thumbs-up, huge smile on her face, while millions rain down on the ghetto.
VERONICA: Well, she had her heart in the right place.
WILSON: Riots ensued. She was arrested when she landed. Served a month in county jail. Perhaps the most embarrassing case of noblesse oblige in the twentieth century. 

HZ: Anyway, when Selma's meant to take to the stage, she's not in the fucking room, even though she was right there just before bantering with the dean. 

JOY: Don't you think there's like a less suspicious... Now that we know, of course, what happens, don't you think there's a less suspicious time they could have just worked this out? Did she have to disappear? Or does it matter? Was it advantageous in some way that I'm not grasping for her to disappear in the middle of a party at a college? 

HZ: I wondered that, because I suppose the whole point of it is to misdirect, to throw suspicion upon the frats or the sororities. However, then I thought, well, if she didn't disappear publicly, then the share prices for the company wouldn't inflate based on her absence, because no one would have known she'd gone. 

JOY: Right. And I know you are a real market hound, Helen. I know that you're just always, "Nasdaq this," and, "Dow Jones that." 

HZ: Stocks, stocks, stocks! I know what those are and what they do! So I guess if she just lurked around her own house, as perhaps you or I would do, then our share prices would have carried on just as they were. 

JOY: Right. 

HZ: Then anyway, Lamb doesn't want to investigate, which means Keith has to investigate. 

JOY: And we love to see that. Lamb says, "Rich ladies aren't the most reliable creatures." 

LAMB: Foul play. You think? What makes you say so? 
DEAN O'DELL: An extremely wealthy woman disappears in the middle of a reception held in her honour. Don't you find that, I don't know, odd? 
LAMB: Well, I mean, there's odd and there's foul play. Rich ladies aren't the most reliable creatures. 
DEAN O'DELL: Of course, she must have remembered her tennis lesson. How silly of her to forget. I don't suppose there's someone I can speak with who would take this seriously.
LAMB: Dollars to doughnuts, you'll find her sobbing into a mojito at the club because she lost an earring. 
DEAN O'DELL: Well, you'd be the doughnut expert. Excuse me. 

JOY: And I just feel like Lamb would say this about anyone. Like, Lamb just doesn't seem to have any regard for anybody, or take anything seriously. How is this man in a position of power again? I'm confused. 

HZ: Well, because corruption. 

JOY: Mmm. 

HZ: In these episodes, the Dean hires Keith on more than one case, but Keith is basically a counsellor for him. Is Keith paid for that kind of job as well? 

JOY: Do you think emotional labour and investigative labour probably are about the same amount of tax upon your soul? 

HZ: I'd imagine investigation is harder for him to switch off, whereas someone else telling him his problems, Keith could just be like, "Uh-huh, uh-huh," and retreat into his own rich inner life. So the good thing about this is that Veronica investigates Fern, the cool wrestler. I mean, she's played by an actual wrestler, Cher Ferreyra, who's popped up a few times in this season, dissing Veronica when she was giving her the safe lift home. And she's very no nonsense. 

VERONICA: Hey, Fern! What up, girl? 
FERN: What do you want, Buffy...Tiffany...whatever your name is?
VERONICA: "The Female Voice in Celtic Literature." I am woman, hear me bore. I heard you had a little chat with Selma Rose last night, right before she disappeared. Can I guess? She was contemplating a nose ring? 
FERN: I was letting her know she had a phone call. 
VERONICA: Who was calling for her? 
FERN: I don't know. Some woman. The phone was ringing off the hook in the kitchen. It was driving me up the wall, so I answered it. Someone wanted to speak to Selma Rose and I was nice enough to relay the message. 
VERONICA: You didn't ask who was calling? 
FERN: I didn't care. 
VERONICA: You know what's funny, and not like funny ha ha: a driving force in getting the Greeks kicked off campus - that's you - is the last person seen speaking to the trustee with the swing vote. 
FERN: You know what else is kind of funny? The girl who saved the Pi Sigs is apparently leading the charge to track down that swing vote. 
VERONICA: I wasn't saving the Pi Sigs, I was getting to the truth. 
FERN: Well, the truth is that your Pi Sig friend just kicked off Sex Quest '06. You know what that is, freshman? 
VERONICA: Yeah, they award themselves points for getting laid. 
FERN: Just watch what you drink.

JOY: She has absolutely no time for anybody's bullshit. 

HZ: Love it. How can this show keep siding with the frats over the Dreaded Feminists when Fern is the coolest? 

JOY: Things that are just not what they could be at this school... The thoughts that I'm thinking, actually, I don't care to follow, and I think they were a poor choice on my brain's part, so I retract them. 

HZ: You look very worn out by them, whatever they are. Then Keith goes to the Roses’ home, and there's some bullshit with Brant, the overly invested personal assistant. 

JOY: Do you believe for one second that Keith Mars can't pick a carp out of a line-up? Because this is a man who I am confident has spent a lot of time fishing in his life, and knows his various freshwater catchables. 

HZ: I would agree. He meets Budd Rose. 

JOY: It's Mr Sheffield. Hell yeah. 

HZ: Explain to me. 

JOY: Have you ever seen a television programme called The fucking Nanny, Helen? 

HZ: I have not seen The fucking Nanny. 

JOY: What? You've never seen The Nanny? 

HZ: No, I know. 

JOY: Oh my fucking god. OK, well, it might not appeal to you, at all, for a variety of reasons, but let me fucking let you know that this guy - what's his name? The Right Honourable Lord Charles George Patrick Shaughnessy. I have some questions about that, that's his real name. Oh my god. OK, so The Nanny is a sitcom. It stars Fran Drescher. She's hired by this guy, Mr Sheffield, who has three children; and he's a busy, rich guy, and I think his wife has passed away, and he needs, you know, a force in the house and a force in his life. 

HZ: We all do. 

JOY: He's from England, of course. 

HZ: Sure is. 

JOY: And he's very English, whatever that means. And she's from Queens, and she has her Fran Drescher voice, and she's very loud and she wears a lot of leopard print and you can't even imagine, there's a butler, and everyone's very proper, and then this loud, brash lady from Queens comes in and mixes it up and everybody learns about life. You think there's going to be a clash, and sometimes there is, but everyone just always ends up in a better place at the end of an episode than they started. 

HZ: Yay!

JOY: And it's so beautiful, and... Well, I won't tell you anything else in case you ever decide to do a huge Nanny watch. 

HZ: Do he and the nanny fall in love? 

JOY: I just told you, I'm not going to tell you anything else in case you ever decide to watch The Nanny, so my lips are sealed, Helen.

HZ: But in this, he's also playing a rich person, and we don't often get characters in Veronica Mars with visible disabilities, but they've put this character in a wheelchair for no real reason except, I guess, to motivate him cheating on his wife later, to prove something?

JOY: Yep, that seems to be the deal. 

HZ: He's got an ornate chess set, so you know he's a rich power kind of dude. 

JOY: Dude, have you ever seen chess pieces... Aside from, of course, the time that I went to the Girls Gone Wild house and there was an enormous chess set that was like, you know, like 20 feet by 20 feet. This is the second biggest chess set I've ever seen. 

HZ: Yeah, it's a very big indoor chess set, that's for sure. But there's very little purpose to this except for Brant the weird assistant. Selma's brother is flying in to take care of the company. And then Keith, on the way out, hears some dogs barking at the guest house and sees a nice car. A nice car. I can't tell because I'm car-oblivious if it's nice or just a car. It looks boring to me, because it's cars. 

JOY: Well, it's a BMW, Helen, which is, if you live in California and you drive a BMW, you are exempt from all traffic laws. Which is similar, the equivalent in Maine, is a pickup truck. If you drive a pickup truck here in Maine, you can do whatever you want. It's really interesting. But what I don't usually see is a BMW with like a big honking college sticker slapped across the rear window. It's sort of like incongruous. It's not really the vibe usually. So it really caught my eye. There's a Hearst sticker on the car. 

HZ: Yeah, well, file this away in your brain. This car belongs to Selma's, quote, "Grossly overpaid female dogwalker." 

JOY: Women can walk dogs, Helen?!

HZ: In this day and age, Jenny, as it turns out, they can walk dogs and look hot. 

JOY: At the same time? 

HZ: And now a bit of a treat, which is Veronica pranking Lamb. 

JOY: This rocks. 

HZ: By calling him up, pretending to be this hot newscaster who Lamb is trying to flirt with on the phone. 

JOY: Oh, Martina Vasquez, the hottie from Channel Nine. She's all like ring-a-ding-ding. Lamb is so freaking pumped that, as he is preparing to pick up the phone he is Zowie-ing her, to let us all know, so we can see just how hot she is. 

HZ: And how 2006 GoDaddy her website is. 

JOY: Oh yeah. And don't worry, all of her recent stories are listed on her website. He's chatting with her, and she's asking about the phone call that Selma Rose allegedly received right before she disappeared, and he very freely gives up the information that the phone call was debunked and he's so happy to be whatever help he can be, to Martina Vasquez. And then Keith picks up the other phone in the house, and Veronica's like, "Dad, I'm on the phone!" and Lamb is like, "Fuck!" and hangs up. 

HZ: Seriously, Veronica? Calling on the landline? You've got a mobile. 

JOY: No, no, no, no, no. I think this is for the best. This is for the best. I kind of suspect she did it on purpose, knowing that eventually Keith would pick up the phone and make Lamb feel like a total dumbass. 

HZ: Wow. And we meet Selma's brother, Roger, who has a very similar voice to Vinnie Van Lowe, but this version is just a rich arsehole kind of man. Terrible personality. Can't work a phone, so his assistant has to do it. 

JOY: Oh my god. 

HZ: But, played by Scott Alan Smith, who was in... Switched At Birth!
JOY: Helen. It doesn't even feel like a thing anymore. I just... Now I'm just assuming that everyone on the show has been on Switched At Birth. 

HZ: Well, our listener Phoebe explained the connection, finally: the shows share a casting director. There we go. 

JOY: Aha! 

HZ: Thank you for that detective work. 

JOY: You're telling me that a piece of information that was probably readily available on IMDB has eluded us both, for this long? 

HZ: I just liked the mystery, Jenny. It's so tame, now that I know what it means. 

JOY: Yeah. 

HZ: Roger thinks that Selma's just off at a spa. 

ROGER: She's probably wrapped in algae somewhere outside of Santa Fe with a couple of cucumber slices on her eyes.
KEITH: If she decided to "flake," as you put it, don't you think the middle of her reception is an odd time?
ROGER: Oh, it's the perfect time, right before she had to make a decision. 
KEITH: Doesn't sound like the behaviour of the top executive of a Fortune 500 company.
ROGER: Oh, my sister's not a businesswoman. She's a humanitarian. Not a big profit margin there. Have you seen what Selma's disappearance has done to our stock? 
KEITH: I haven't. 
ROGER: It's skyrocketing every day that she's missing, just on the assumption that we'll continue to sell merchandise manufactured in Asia. Selma actually wanted Hearst-Mart to deal only American-made products, which - here's a hot tip - we won't. 

JOY: Rich guys love when the stocks go up. 

HZ: Rich guys do not love having to make products domestically, but he also speculates Selma wanted to get away from Budd. Loves her dogs more than Bud. But Keith has run the license plates of the dog walker's nice car, and it belongs to Hallie, from the sorority. 

JOY: Oh my god. Is it me or is this girl, like, Joey Lauren Adams, Renee Zellweger, Junior?

HZ: Yeah, that will work. 

JOY: Well, there she is. 

HZ: There she is, sunbathing in a bikini. 

JOY: I can't believe this sunbathing spot is just going to be a regular occurrence. We're just going to repeatedly visit the Hearst Sunbathers Corner. 

HZ: You do wonder who they were making this show for. Was it for the male gaze? 

JOY: Mmm. Uh... 

HZ: That's the only gaze, of course. 

JOY: The only gaze that matters. The only gaze that sells. 

HZ: The only gaze that sells to other people with the same gaze. I do think if Veronica wanted people to spill information she shouldn't be so mean to them. 

JOY: Right? 

HALLIE: I'm Selma Rose's dog walker. So? 
VERONICA: You having a job? Shock right there. It requiring that you wear a plastic bag on your hand while waiting for Fido to kick out a lodger? That makes me dizzy. 
HALLIE: You don't know the first thing about me, Veronica. 
VERONICA: I know like eight, possibly nine, things. But you're right. I have no idea which one is first.

JOY: Keith has a way of talking to people when he wants information that makes them want to share with him. 

HZ: Yes. 

JOY: And Veronica is more often combative and nasty.

HZ: Negging. She's the child of Neptune. 

JOY: Yes, of course. 

HZ: Hallie says that Veronica should be more concerned with Brant, who has a Swimfan-level obsession with Brad and strokes his hair when he sleeps... 

JOY: Urgh. 

HZ: ...and when he was asked to help with the Roses’ upcoming tenth anniversary party he threw a tea cup at the wall. 

JOY: Ha! 

HZ: That's strong emotions. 

JOY: There's something funny about throwing a teacup at the wall. The delicacy of the teacup, the sheer aggression of the act. 

HZ: Yeah. Again, this storyline is a rare example of queer representation in Veronica Mars. Do you think the teacup is to do with that? 

JOY: Sort of. Oh my god, is the teacup... Yeah, probably. Fucking probably. 

HZ: Now a nice bit of mutual japery, from both Marses:

VERONICA: I don't know about you, but I am dripping with information. 
KEITH: And I have so much information, I have no place left inside for food. 
VERONICA: Spill.
KEITH: Hmm. Roger Hearst is halting Selma's Buy American plan, hmm? It'll save the company hundreds of millions, but it is exactly the kind of business practice Selma is fighting against. Hmm, suspicious? Hmm, I think so, hmm.
VERONICA: Hmm. Well, I rattled that sorority girl's cage, and she sang like a canary. 

HZ: And the clue here, that Veronica has missed but Keith gets, is that the Roses’ tenth wedding anniversary is coming up. 

KEITH: A ten-year wedding anniversary? Have I taught you nothing? What do we call a tenth anniversary in the P.I. biz? 
VERONICA: Dine'n'ditch. 
KEITH: After ten years of marriage, a spouse is entitled to half of his partner's assets, so you cut the cord before ten years, you don't have to pay. 

HZ: Shit. My tenth wedding anniversary is coming up in a few months. Better get on it. 

JOY: Better look out. Better keep a close watch on Martin. And a closer watch on your friggin' purse. 

HZ: So there's two possibilities: one, Budd killed Selma off; two, Selma's so devoted to these dogs, if Bud's trying to keep Selma hidden until after the tenth anniversary has passed, she'd be a lot quieter if she is with dog than without. And therefore, the Marses get to break into the Hearst place, which seems very easy. 

JOY: The family that breaks and enters together stays together. Helen, this is something I love to do with my family when I go home for the holidays. We just pick a random mansion, and the security is inexplicably lax, and we just sidle on back to the pool house and pop the door open, and discover that fuckin' Selma Rose has been here this whole time in her own pool house with her dogs. 

HZ: She's not even surprised to see two complete strangers walk in. 

JOY: Dude, she doesn't even look up when they open the door. 

HZ: No. 

JOY: She doesn't look up until they say, "Mrs Rose?" or whatever they say. 

HZ: There's a human-sized vase in this guest house as well. Disappointingly, no face curtains, though, so what's the point? 

JOY: Well, I mean, I guess the rule of Neptune is go big in your home, whether it's vases or faces on curtains. 

HZ: Chess sets. 

JOY: Exactly! As long as something is enormous. 

HZ: Veronica is so hyped to be doing this job with Keith. She's just very playful. She's having a good time, which means, like, she's sitting on top of the security fence just bantering at him and he's like, "Please, fucking hurry up."

JOY: Yeah. "We've got a job to do."

HZ: Disturbingly, when Keith introduces who they are, Veronica compares them to Ryan and Tatum O'Neal, which is not the daddy-daughter duo I think that anyone would want to evoke. 

JOY: Oh, no. 

HZ: Because that was a difficult relationship, with many years of estrangement, accusations of abuse. 

JOY: Yeah. Does she basically just say this because they're a father and daughter working together? 

HZ: Reference, tick! Opportunity taken. 

JOY: OK, so let me explain what's going on here, Helen. 

HZ: Please. 

JOY: Because I feel like this is my wheelhouse. 

HZ: Great, great, great. 

JOY: Loads of sexy stuff and surveillance. Here's what's going on. Selma Rose and Hallie have been getting fucking hot and heavy, and there are some surveillance photos of them almost kissing in, I'm so sorry to be rude, but, the most unnatural positioning. They definitely look like two ladies who have been instructed to look like they're going to kiss and they're very stressed out about trying to look like they're going to kiss. Yes? 

HZ: Well, apparently, they were originally supposed to be shown kissing, but the CW would not allow it, and did not explain why. 

JOY: Yeah? And one of those people happens to be Hallie, who it turns out has seduced Selma for Budd so they can friggin' run off together and live off of Selma's riches for years to come. Here's the thing. They say a bunch of numbers that are like way too big for my brain to really hold on to, but it sounded like whether they got divorced before or after their tenth anniversary, Mr Sheffield would be making a lot of money. You don't have to blackmail, you're going to be fine, man. 

HZ: But it's also just like... The queer representation in this show, it's blackmailable, and also fake on Hallie's part, because she's doing it to have blackmail material.

JOY: Yes. 

HZ: But Keith's got a plan involving Selma's earrings, and Budd's email account, and it is essentially just planting the earrings in Hallie's car, and some love letters from Budd onto her laptop. 

JOY: Right, right. Right. 

HZ: And so Lamb goes and searches the house and Hallie's car.

JOY: They bring Budd into the station, and Selma pops in and gives Budd the opportunity to sign some divorce papers before their tenth anniversary. Fucking rich people, making us endure this whole plot just so you can be even more rich. 

HZ: That's people. They love to be even more rich. Although Hallie says she's doing it for love, and for manliness. 

JOY: Right. Right, right, right, right, right. She does seem to be in love with Budd. Really hate seeing Veronica coming up with a list of reasons why Budd is like a ridiculous choice for her, that, what, that he's way older, that he's an adulterer, and then the language that Veronica uses is, "Confined to a wheelchair," which is unwelcome language in 2020. 

HZ: Strong agree. 

JOY: Ableist much, Veronica? That is not a reason to not date someone. So please get fucked. 

HALLIE: I know you think I'm some kind of gold digger, but I love Budd. 
VERONICA: And all of his beautiful money? Or is true love so blind you didn't notice he's an adulterer older than your father and confined to a wheelchair? 
HALLIE: Budd Rose is more of a man than you could ever begin to handle. 
VERONICA: Slow down, Anna Nicole. You're skeeving me out. And the fact is I don't care if he's Ron Jeremy on wheels.

HZ: The final kicker with this is that Selma gets to vote on the frats-or-no frats, and she votes, "Screw the frats."

JOY: Oh, do you think that's because of Hallie? 

HZ: Ooh, hopefully, yeah. Let's say that it is. Another grim thing that's happening with the frats is that Chip, the terrible frat, I kind of feel sorry for him this episode, because he's found unconscious, wearing only his underwear, and with a shaved head on the lawn. And instead of sympathy, everyone's like, "Ha ha, look! Let me take a picture!"

JOY: Ah yes, college. 

HZ: There are these guys selling those pictures to the paper, and we also find out from Dick that he was found with a plastic Easter egg -

DICK: They put it up his bleedin' bum. 

JOY: Helen, unsubscribe. 

HZ: And it had some Scrabble tiles in it. 

JOY: Yes. These tiles are revealed to be the Roman numeral equivalents of "111" and "903", which Veronica and Wallace collaboratively discover to represent the date "11-19-03", which is of course three days before my 23rd birthday... 

HZ: Of course. 

JOY: ...and Veronica, any excuse to find another dark place to spend time, Veronica goes to the library after hours to look at old episodes of the Hearst whatever the fuck it's called, the paper, the school paper, to see what happened on that date. And she finds something about a young woman named Patrice who fell off of the roof of the sorority house. 

HZ: Which is something Veronica can throw in when she's grilling Hallie about Budd and Selma. The implication is that she's been thrown off the roof, but she walked off the roof, because it turns out that two-way mirror that we were told about in episode two of the season was true, and Patrice was humiliated in front of it. 

CLAIRE: No, I saw it. The rush officer would have the girls strip in front of the mirror. Then they'd point out the parts that they thought needed work, like they were being helpful. They'd circle them with a magic marker like a plastic surgeon does during a consultation. 
VERONICA: They did that to you? 
CLAIRE: No. They only did it to the girls who they thought needed...help. 
VERONICA: And Patrice needed help?
CLAIRE: They practically covered her in circles. I mean, she was pale and pudgy, but a legacy. She was already crying when someone turned on the light in the secret room. And there they were. A crowd of Pi Sigs laughing their asses off. Chip Diller started calling her "marshmallow", and the name stuck. 
NISH: They used permanent marker. So not only does she have to deal with being called marshmallow, she had those marks all over her for weeks.

JOY: So hate to hear this. 

HZ: No one comes out well. A lot of blame on the frats for this - but also the sorority is complicit in this because they have set up the situation for the benefit of the frat. 

JOY: Yeah, that's fucking gross as hell. 

HZ: We learn this from Claire, who faked the rape, and Nish and Fern. 

VERONICA: What happened to her? 
FERN: She was in the hospital for a couple of months. Now she's in a mental-health facility. You don't believe it? 
VERONICA: Oh, I believe you. And I think it's horrible. I also think it's powerful motivation for someone to take desperate action. Fake a rape, right? Possibly a series of rapes. How many of them were real? I mean, other than Chip Diller's. There hasn't been any forensic evidence; no semen, no hair found on any of the victims.
NISH: The Greeks would be gone if you hadn't gotten them off. Are you proud of that fact? 
VERONICA: The moral superiority would fit better if there wasn't already one fake rape on your résumé. Nothing hurts the cause more than that. 

HZ: Surely these people know how much more harm faking a rape would do, in that it would then discredit all of the rapes that have been perpetrated? Which didn't bring any problems to the frats - all of the real rapes didn't implicate them. And then Veronica's like, "Were all the rapes fake?" 

JOY: And nobody says anything. Which is a weird choice. 

HZ: At least Veronica does point out that they're hurting the feminist cause by faking rapes, but if you're taking feminism advice from Veronica... 

JOY: Don't. 

HZ: ...that's a very fucked-up situation. And again, I just really hate how this show hates the feminists. It's like if the feminists and the frats started at zero, the frats can only go up and the feminists can only go down. 

JOY: What ultimately happens because of the vote that Selma participates in is that the frats do get shut down, right? But then they are almost immediately reopened, because of some guy who smoke cigars and had a really nice time at college, sitting on his frat porch, watching the girls go by, and then subsequently donated a lot of money to the school. This sucks. 

HZ: Sir, you get to keep your memories, even if they shut the frats down decades after you left. 

JOY: Right? 

HZ: Which means the feminists keep egging the dean. 

JOY: Yay. 

HZ: He's already been terrified by them at the start, when they were having their procession celebrating the closure of the frats. 

JOY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of one-vehicle celebratory processions in this show lately. Have you noticed that? 

HZ: That's true. That means you can have your own procession, Jenny. Whenever you're out on an errand is a procession if you want. 

JOY: Oh! Oh, Helen, well, phew, I've got to wrap up this taping so I can go process around town. 

HZ: So the feminists are angry at the dean. File that away for all the dean plots that are happening. 

JOY: So many. Busy dean. 

HZ: We had a little insight into the difficult marriage of the dean and Mrs Dean, Mindy, where I couldn't really figure out whether they liked each other. Because sometimes they seem hot for each other, but then he also doesn't trust her, and she is cheating on him, and he's also lying about what he eats and watching boxing and smoking cigars and stuff. 

JOY: Yeah, doesn't seem like a very healthy relationship. Seems like it maybe started in a hot place, and then, in the intervening six years things, have taken a turn, and now all that stuff is going on. 

HZ: What is nice for the dean is that he is friends with Weevil. Weevil's fixing his TV. The dean is delighted with him. 

JOY: I love this. I love listening to them talk about boxing, which is not something I like or care about, but because they're both so enthusiastic about their shared minute knowledge about it is just like very sweet. 

HZ: It was nice, also, just feeling like the dean actually respected Weevil. Even though Weevil is doing menial jobs for him, the dean is kind of treating him more respectfully than most people have on this show. 

JOY: Yes. 

HZ: But Mindy has come in to switch car keys with the dean, because she's unexpectedly got to go to Sacramento with a colleague called Wally just for the night, which means his insecurities are enormous. And Keith goes off to Sacramento. 

JOY: But don't worry, because Wally's just gay!

HZ: Yes, that was quite predictable, wasn't it? That sort of misdirection. And Keith's like, "Mindy didn't leave her hotel room all night." Did he sit outside, checking her door the whole time? And if so, how did he know all of these places that Wally went in Sacramento? 

JOY: Great question. 

HZ: Trackers? So in this other bit of queer representation, gayness is a safeguard for the hets. However, Veronica reveals to Keith that Mindy and Landry are sexpeopling, which means Keith has to tell the dean. 

JOY: Then the dean drinks a lot. 

HZ: Or appears to drink a lot. 

JOY: Or drinks a lot and is just, like, really good at drinking. 

HZ: Yeah. 

JOY: And is still functional enough afterwards. 

HZ: But importantly, doesn't drink his fancy whisky, though. Saving that. He's looking forward to that in his life, and today is not the day for that. 

JOY: Yeah, no, no, that's for savouring, that's not just for getting drunk. And he says goodnight to Keith, acts like he's tucking himself into the couch. Then when Keith is gone, he fucking gets out a revolver and goes knock-knock-knocking at the hotel room door of Mindy and Professor Landry. Well, well, well. 

HZ: Who have just completed an evening of sex peopling, and the crème brûlée is on its way. Here's what I didn't understand: Landry's looking forward to his crème brûlée arriving, and Mindy says, "Maybe someday we'll have sex and you won't be stoned, I swear I'm having an affair with Annie Hall." Doesn't seem like the most obvious reference. 

JOY: Any... Does it... Hmm. I would say references on this show are not chosen for their obviousness, or their relevance, or their appropriateness for the character who is making the reference, but rather just to make Rob Thomas happy. Whatever works for Rob. 

HZ: Apparently there are a bunch of Big Lebowski references in the Selma and Budd plot that I don't even trifle with. How did the dean get the hotel room number? Is just Tina giving it away to anyone now? They're not supposed to do that. 

JOY: For the right price, it seems like Tina will help you out. 

HZ: And then the dean's back in his office, asleep on the couch, but woken up by the sound of eggs hitting his windows. It's been multiply egged this episode. 

JOY: Then he looks to the door and says, "What are you doing here?" And then, the next morning, Weevil finds him dead at his desk. 

HZ: Please don't let there be a Weevil-suspected-of-murder plotline. 

JOY: Could do without that. Don't fuck around with my Weevil. 

HZ: But also, we only just got to know the dean. 

JOY: Yeah, I'm sorry to see him go, he's been such a colourful presence this far in the season. 

HZ: Exactly. Irascible Ed Begley Jr is performing the shit out of it. And Weevil also notices that there was a suicide note on his computer. "Goodbye, cruel worldzzzzzzz" - which happens to be the same note as in Veronica's plan-the-perfect-murder paper. 

JOY: What are the odds? 

HZ: How soon after the dean's death did Weevil find him? Because if it was more than like ten minutes then it would totally be a screensaver on that computer with the Windows logo bouncing around. There's a time jump of six weeks in order to - well, to accomplish a number of things, but one being that Mindy has found out that because the death has been ruled a suicide, she's not going to get life insurance money. She needs it to raise their kids, and therefore she needs Keith to investigate and prove that it's not suicide. And the note being that generic and from Veronica's paper is one, and also the dean's fancy, precious, unopened bottle of Glencracken is another vital clue. Keith's like, "If he was looking forward to that, then why would he end his life?" Or why wouldn't he drink it before ending his life? Whereas he refused to drink it. So he was not planning to die. 

JOY: Yeah. And then this last bit of this thread, so far, with Keith trying to... 

HZ: ....bullshit Landry. 

LANDRY: You torched a guy's car?
KEITH: You ever light a rag soaked in straight gasoline? Thing exploded in my hands. I torched MY car.
LANDRY: Must have been a hell of a girl. 
KEITH: What the hell was I thinking? Have you ever done anything like that?
LANDRY: That why you put this song on, Keith? I read your book, all the way to your picture in the back. So, no, I've never done anything like that, like, for instance, kill Cyrus O'Dell for a woman. I wrote a book, too, about profiling, reading people. Maybe you should check it out.

JOY: I feel like this isn't Keith's A material. 

HZ: Does he not think he's a good criminology professor? 

JOY: I would be just expecting a little more pizzazz from him going up against Landry like this. 

HZ: But it means that Keith is going to take Mindy's case. So this is setting up the big mystery for the second half of the season, because in episode nine we're completing the campus rapist mystery, thank god. 

JOY: Not a fucking moment too soon. 

HZ: And is this the scariest cold open ever on this show? 

JOY: I think it might be. 

HZ: There were these really terrifying shots of Veronica running out of a room and hitting the wall and panicking, crying. She's got blood on her. She's screaming for Wallace and Piz. And then someone's legs walk up to her and her eyes widen. This is a stressful as fuck episode. 

JOY: It's episodes like this that made me want to flee from this season, but here we are. 

HZ: Veronica is spooked by the presence of the rapist, which doesn't stop her from going around campus in the dark, late at night, by herself. Logan has hired someone to watch her to keep her safe, which she hates and was terrified by, but you would also think... Wouldn't Logan just sort of like stick around and just, like, refuse to leave? That's the kind of thing Logan would do. He'd want to be there making sure things are taken care of by him, wouldn't he? 

VERONICA: It's not like this is all some new facet of my personality. You know who I am! You know what I do. 
LOGAN: And? 
VERONICA: And...it isn't gonna change. And if you can't accept that, this isn't gonna work. 
LOGAN: You know who I am. And you're constantly expecting me to change. And even right now, as you're thinking, "Crap, he's got a point," you still think you're ultimately right. I love you, Veronica. I love you. But, do you love me?
VERONICA: Yeah.
LOGAN: Well then, can we try to go a little easier on each other?
VERONICA: Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
LOGAN: So, are we okay?
VERONICA: Yeah. We're okay.

JOY: What do you make of this conflict? I know we're not scaling Mount Loganica yet, but this butting of heads with them where Veronica's like, "But I need to put myself in danger all the time, and stop trying to change me," and Logan being like, "I just want you to be safe because I care about you, and it would be cool if you didn't, like, die or get hurt."

HZ: Mmm. 

JOY: I sense from your, "Mmm," that perhaps we're on different sides of the... 

HZ: No, I... 

JOY: You want Veronica to have the freedom to go get killed? 

HZ: No, I just get frustrated with how they've been writing obstacles for Logan and Veronica. They love to get them together, and to tear them apart, and in between they don't seem to know what to do with them. 

JOY: Yeah. 

HZ: So I agree with you that it seems like an artifice, and a bit of bullshit. 

JOY: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

HZ: And at the end of Episode Eight, Logan calls and sees Veronica not picking up, deliberately not picking up. 

JOY: Ouch. 

HZ: So he breaks up with her. On the day that the Dreaded Feminists are celebrating the end of the Greek system, while Dick moons them, Logan breaks up with Veronica - which is a surprisingly healthy choice from him, actually, given how few other people he has. 

JOY: Identifying his needs and accepting that they aren't being met, and that they may never be met, and thus he must disengage. 

HZ: Yeah, and mostly she's destroying his self-esteem. 

JOY: Yeah. Good choice for yourself, Logan. For now. 

LOGAN: I can't do this anymore, Veronica. You know, I've been thinking, and this isn't working. You know, I don't think I quite measure up to the person that you want me to be and...and I just can't take feeling like a disappointment anymore. 
VERONICA: Logan, I don't - 
LOGAN: Hey, let me get this out, okay? The other thing...you told me you weren't built to let people help you. 
VERONICA: That's not exactly what I said. 
LOGAN: It's close. And you know what? I'm not built to stand on the sidelines. I don't know, I think we have a choice. And I think we can take a tough but survivable amount of pain now, or stay together and deal with unbearable pain later. So, I vote for the pain now. But I'm always here, if you need anything. But you never need anything.

HZ: The rapist places an ad in the college paper saying he'll choose the next victim at the Pi Sig party, and I was like, "What? The paper would never print this fucking thing." And then they resolve that because they're like, "Oh, it must have got changed at the printers." Although they don't go into that, they don't go into whether the rapist had access to the paper at the printers. 

JOY: No time. There's not there's simply no time, Helen. 

HZ: I do like that Parker is handing out rape whistles and drink-testing coasters. 

JOY: Hell yeah. 

HZ: I feel like she's processing her trauma. It's great to spend some time with her. But it means they've all got to go to this big Pi Sig party to celebrate the return of the Greek system about 15 minutes after it was shut down. So Veronica ropes in Mac, Piz, and Wallace. Rough for Mac. Mac's not really a party person. But she's got an amazing T-shirt. 

JOY: Yeah, she's got a nice shirt that says, "Ask me about my STD." Nice. So Veronica had taken in a sample of a drink-testing coaster to the dean and was like, "Hey, you should make the Pi Sigs distribute these." And when they roll up to the party it's revealed that it seems like at a moment's notice the Pi Sigs had a bunch of possibly non-functioning tester coasters printed and distributed. So then Veronica, Piz, Wallace, Mac, and Parker are all running around -

HZ: - dropping bits of coaster into people's cups. 

JOY: Dude. 

HZ: Just dropping it right in there. 

JOY: So unsanitary. 

HZ: Everyone has to buy a cup on their way into the party. 

JOY: There was like a very specific cup instructions when they were like paying and coming in. Like, put your name on the cup, don't let anybody else drink out of your cup, don't share your cup with a minor law, blah blah blah. And don't move your cup. 

HZ: Those are good ideas. Maybe they should have given them cups with lids, so it's harder to put drugs in them. 

JOY: Yes. Sippy cups, maybe? 

HZ: Great. And it's a souvenir of the Pi Sig party. 

JOY: Yes. 

HZ: There are girls at the party where their friend is passed out on the ground next to them, and they're like, "So what?" But the safe ride home people are coming to get her, and those turn out to be Moe and Fern. 

JOY: Love seeing Fern just deadlifting this girl. 

HZ: Fern is the best. 

JOY: She's like, "Hup." Hell yeah. 

HZ: But also there was a bit where Piz has to dance very thrustily to distract people, whilst Wallace does a coaster test. 

JOY: This is the best thing that's happened on the show for Piz, so far. This is the most entertaining Piz has been. And also getting to watch Wallace be like, "Um... cool." Very rewarding. 

HZ: We'd all like to see Wallace dance. We never get to see that. 

JOY: Well yes, of course. 

HZ: One character that pops up a few times is Bonnie, and we first hear about her because Dick is bragging about sleeping with her, but also kind of mocking at the same time. 

VERONICA: The Pi Sigs are doing their Sex Quest again. Collecting points for conquests? Think that's such a good idea at a university with a serial rapist on the loose?
DICK: You raise an uninteresting point. But, hey, don't worry your pretty head about your pal Dick. My points are in order, courtesy of Miss Bonnie Capistrano. Her curvature of the spine is hardly noticeable, but I still got the handicapped bonus. 
VERONICA: You're repugnant, Dick. 
DICK: Seriously, you'd hardly notice it.

HZ: Also doing great at disability representation and so forth. Bonnie is a hot person, and a sexperson, and Dick is indignant that she's been sexpeopling with other people in the frat. 

JOY: How dare she? 

HZ: And she's like, "Fuck you." But she's also the girlfriend of Lucky-In-A-Wig. What? 

JOY: How could it be? She's so busy, she's a busy, busy bunny. 

HZ: She's making out with Dick at the party, and Lucky-In-A-Wig comes in and makes a scene. 

JOY: There's a lot of screaming, then Logan and Mercer show up, and Logan and Veronica have a bunch of meaningful eye contact. But then lo, their moment is interrupted because Wallace and company have a positive coaster test. Phew. And a lot of things happen. 

HZ: Lots. 

JOY: They're trying to find the girl. 

HZ: Kim Kaiser, who lives off campus. Wallace and Logan are going to go. 

JOY: Love Logan getting involved, and saying like, "Yo, just let me do this part."

HZ: And he's like, "Veronica, stay here," as if it's safer to be there? 

JOY: Maybe not. 

HZ: There's also a Neil Diamond covers band. 

JOY: Yeah, The Diamond Smugglers. You know what every frat party needs? This band playing. But OK, so Veronica, they wrap up and Veronica has to run on the stage because the person who clearly wrote their name on the cup actually gave her sister her ID. So the room that Logan ran off to, to try to stop a potential rape from happening, is the wrong place. 

HZ: You know when a band is finishing a set, it's Veronica’s duty to get up on stage immediately after and deliver some downer news. 

JOY: It's her favourite thing to do. 

HZ: And then, because the band has stopped, they are playing the college radio station for this party. 

JOY: Yes? I don't know what's worse, the college radio station or this band. But it's a good thing they put on Mercer's radio show because, just before ‘Right Here, Right Now’ by Fatboy Slim starts to kick in, there's like a little pre-recorded request and response, revealing to Veronica, oh, she's Math Lady Memeing all over this party, and is like, "He never was really in the station, he just created it as an alibi for himself, ah!"

HZ: What I didn't understand is that there's a quick scene in the Sheriff's Department where a rookie deputy is telling Sacks that a bomb threat has been called in for one of the residence halls. And Sacks is like, "Eh, it's probably a prank," and the rookie's like, "Uh, I don't want to wake up Sheriff Lamb to check whether I should send people in or not, so I won't do anything."

JOY: Cool plan, dude. Really cool plan. 

HZ: I don't understand. But then we've got Mercer doing his villain monologuing, in a very dark room. 

JOY: Dude, this is so bad. 

HZ: He's very disgusted at how many unicorns this person has. 

MERCER: You know, techno has a bad reputation, but I think it's undeserved. Groan if you disagree. ...Good. We're on the same page. 

JOY: And him revealing his motivation - this is so... OK, so just to lay it out for you. According to his monologue, he drugs and rapes women so that he doesn't have to waste an hour of his life that he'll never get back talking to them and listening to them before sex. 

HZ: He's a broadcaster. Hates to converse. But then what's the shaving about? That's just a flourish. 

JOY: Yes? I mean, it's nice to have a signature, I guess? This just felt so extremely over the top. But I guess this whole thing is pretty over the top. 

HZ: But then he hears a thump coming from the closet, and opens it and sees Carrie lying there. How did Veronica switch herself with Carrie, and get Carrie into the closet? 

JOY: She's stronger, stronger than she looks. She fuckin' tases the shit out of him. And then a fight ensues. We hate to see. It's pretty brutal. Reminds me of the fucking finale of season one. 

HZ: We can barely see it because it's so dark. 

JOY: Well, of course, yeah, we need a flashlight in here. 

HZ: Don't. Because what you can see just looks horrible. Horrible. 

JOY: It looks really bad. But Veronica does manage to stab the shit out of him with a unicorn. And I think the horn breaks off inside of his thigh?

HZ: Interesting callback to Veronica's previous unicorn enthusiasms, which have just been a bit of fun; but not now. And while he's distracted from this stab wound, she runs out the room and falls into the wall. You see the scene that is happening in the cold open of her running along the corridors and hammering on Piz and Wallace's room going, "Wallace!" But of course they wouldn't be there, because they're off on this mission. 

JOY: Doing her favours at the party. 

HZ: And this person walks up and stands next to her and she finds it's Moe, looking concerned, and shocked that Mercer's the rapist. But! 

JOY: It's all an act. 

HZ: I mean, there's been literally no reason for Mercer to be in this except for being the rapist, so it's not a huge surprise, is it? They made a fairly arbitrary attempt to throw suspicion off him. Whoa, it's actually him after all.

JOY: Whoa.

HZ: But otherwise, why is he there? 

JOY: Tracks. 

HZ: And the same with Moe. Inconsequential character... 

JOY: ...who keeps showing up... 

HZ: ...who has keys... 

JOY: Yeah, exactly. 

HZ: ...and gives people drinks. He's got his tea collection. 

JOY: Oh my god. He allegedly makes a call, what, to campus security? And has a cup of tea in Veronica's hands, and then he's like, "OK, I'm going to go and get a bunch of guys and go to Carrie's room and make sure she's OK." And he leaves and then she looks up at his bulletin board and what is there but a photograph of Moe in a little prisoner T-shirt from the prisoner and guard experiment, and Mercer, ugh, in a guard T-shirt, and we're suddenly face-to-face with so many things, so many reasons for so many things we had to watch. 

HZ: The consequences of that professor's annual experiment that shouldn't happen. She's been in that room before and she didn't spot that picture. 

JOY: Yeah, well, maybe it was before the prisoner and guard experiment, so it didn't ring a - it didn't mean anything to see those shirts. 

HZ: But then the room starts spinning, and is it horror, or is it something in the tea? It's both. 

JOY: Nooo... 

HZ: Door's locked. Window is a big drop onto concrete. She gets into the closet and tries to phone Keith, but she's pretty drugged, and it's his answering machine, and she's showered with hair from the previous rape victims, as if things needed to get... 

JOY: ...any worse. 

HZ: Then Moe and Mercer are back. 

JOY: Oh god. Mercer is furious because they don't immediately see... Wouldn't you look under the bed and in the closet before you start screaming about, "You said she was here," or whatever? But Mercer is pissed, Moe's like, "I swear to god, she was right here, ah!" And then Mercer's slapping him around -

HZ: Punches him in the face. 

JOY: - and Moe's calling Mercer "Sir." You guys, ugh. 

HZ: And another point where Keith trying to use the phone causes a big problem for Veronica, because they hear the phone ring, which means they work out she's in the closet. As was a hammer, which means she manages to hammer one of them in the foot. Moe? 

JOY: Hell yeah. 

HZ: Mercer's got the unicorn horn in his leg. Maybe he's running on adrenaline, because he doesn't act injured at this time. And Moe is scared that they're going to get caught, and Mercer's like, "Shut up, let's just put all the GHB into her." 

JOY: Ugh. 

HZ: Moe's out of GHB. 

JOY: So Mercer's got to... 

HZ: ...break into his own stash. 

JOY: Pop back to his room, yeah, where he keeps all his GHB, and... 

HZ: Chekhov's Rape Whistle. 

JOY: Ha! Chekhov's Rape Whistle playing an important role here. Veronica blows the shit out of that, and, from afar, Parker hears it, and her ears are perked up. And she pops out into the hall and sees Mercer with his fucking stupid bloody leg and his stupid fucking face. 

HZ: Terrible shirt. I realise that's not the worst of his crimes. 

JOY: Yeah, I mean, just put it on the pile. And, very wisely, Parker opts to start screaming, "Rape!" Which is great because it gets a lot of people out into the hall, and everybody's staring at Mercer, and when you are the guy with a bloody leg who someone is screaming, "Rape! Rape! Rape!" at, everything is going to come to a screeching halt. 

HZ: Yes. 

JOY: Mercer tries to be like, "Pfft, you guys suck, I'm out of here."

HZ: "She's crazy, you're falling for her craziness." Because that's usually a tactic that would work fine. 

JOY: And Moe has come out of his room as well and is so disturbed by Mercer leaving that he goes running after Mercer. 

HZ: "Master!"

JOY: And Parker goes into Moe's room and finds Veronica on the floor, and... Ah, it's going to be OK. 

HZ: Then we're in the Sheriff's office, and Keith is telling off Sacks for not the taking bomb threat seriously. Which made me wonder: did Keith call in a bomb threat in order to clear the party or something, because he knew that the rape had been advertised in the paper? Didn't know. 

JOY: Oh, shit. 

HZ: I'm not a good enough detective. I'm so sorry. 

JOY: Well... 

HZ: He collects Veronica, who's still quite woozy, and she tells him that Moe took his phone with him and so Keith can track him via that. 

JOY: And track him he does. 

HZ: Of course: it's Keith Mars. 

JOY: There's a horrific moment, where Moe is using a pair of pliers to remove the unicorn horn from Mercer's leg, is rough to watch. And then, just as they get it out, Keith fucking kicks down the door and is like, "Boys, don't give me another reason to shoot you."

HZ: Nice. 

JOY: And he takes them back to Neptune. They go to jail. And then Logan really Logans out. Logan gets real fucking Logan all over the place. He finds some cops, he finds some Neptune Police who are eating some diner breakfast, and he proceeds to baseball bat the shit out of their car so that he will get tossed into jail with Mercer and Moe. And it's not going to be pretty, Helen. That's what I predict. 

HZ: He could have waited until Mercer was out on bail, as he almost certainly would be. 

JOY: He could not possibly wait. He needed to deal with this nowsers. 

HZ: Well also, we don't see either Mercer or Moe again, so this is the justice that we are party to. In the Mars apartment, Veronica is looking bruised, but she's had time to curl her hair, and she explains to Mac, Wallace and Piz that Moe was the one who dosed the victims, and then would call Mercer and give him a room number and a key. And also that Moe had shaved her head in the parking lot in the other episode, to provide an alibi for Mercer. And the Pi Sigs were just a convenient scapegoat. So that's the end of the rape plot. Done. 

JOY: I have a question. 

HZ: Yes, Jenny. 

JOY: Why is the episode that that happens in called "Spit & Eggs"? 

HZ: Those are things on the dean's car? Things being hurled at the dean's car... 

JOY: Hmm. 

HZ: It's probably a reference. I've given up with titular references. 

JOY: Stupid. OK, you're right, I shouldn't have asked. 

HZ: I was wondering whether the feminists having egged the dean was going to mean they will be suspected of the dean's murder, but it's very different throwing an egg at someone versus firing a bullet into them. 

JOY: Maybe not. Maybe not in Neptune. Maybe that won't save them. 

HZ: I did wonder whether the time jump that we had between the dean's murder and Mindy asking Keith to investigate was not only to find out whether the insurance was going to come through, but also to give Veronica time to recover from trauma, because the show's like, "We've already put her through recovering from trauma, let's just skip that." And also, usually episode 10 of the show is Christmas, but not this season. There's no Christmas. 

JOY: Right. They don't do anything Christmassy, but this is the last episode before the Christmas break. So that might account for why they paced it out to make it feel as finale-esque as it feels? You know, wrapping up this huge plot thread, and then opening up a new can of worms that they could pick up when they come back in January with the monkey. 

HZ: I found episode nine so incredibly stressful that I was sort of relieved that there was a plot about missing animals. 

JOY: I was watching this episode wondering what your take would be. Whether you would be like, "Not another missing animal," or, "Oh, thank god, a missing animal." 

HZ: Well, sort of. I was like, "Ugh," but then I found myself enjoying it a surprising amount, even though it's some obvious bullshit. And we've already seen Veronica try to infiltrate an animal rights group, in season one, where they were like, "You've got fur on your gilet."

JOY: Right, right. 

HZ: So there's quite a lot of repetition: missing animalsl infiltrating. Basically, scientists - who you can tell are scientists, they're wearing lab coats - their lab is being trashed. Someone has stolen the research monkey and 20 rats, and they need the monkey back because of all this work. Mac is involved because a computer's been trashed, so you call Mac. 

JOY: She's the only one on campus who can do it. 

MAC: Veronica Mars: Pauline Elliott and Gil Thomas Pardy. They're missing a monkey.
GIL THOMAS: And twenty rats. 
VERONICA: We're talking "monkey" as in... 
MAC: "Touch my..." 
PAULINE: It's not just any monkey. 
VERONICA: Please tell me he plays piano.
PAULINE: Twenty-five is a genetically altered capuchin monkey. Its uptake-inhibitor proteins have been coded to allow us to monitor cholesterol breakdown at a cellular level. And he can play ‘Chopsticks’.
VERONICA: Excellent.

HZ: The scientists are pretty convinced that it's the animal rights group PHAT, so Veronica and Mac goes and infiltrate it. Part of the plot of this season, in the limited amount of screen time Mac has had, is that she has no libido and she's been recovering from the traumas inflicted by Cassidy. 

JOY: Oof. 

HZ: But she's back in business when she sees Bronson, the chapter president of PHAT. And he is into her, which is nice to see. 

JOY: He is cute. He is a cute boy. 

HZ: He's cute, and his interest in Mac is very cute. 

JOY: Yes, we love to see it. Love seeing Mac get all hella flustered, like every time she talks to him. Very, very, very, very cute. 

HZ: And I even enjoyed this ridiculous hazing ritual where, because Veronica's going in a bit strong, they're like, "You have to do a clever prank to get our attention," so she pranks the, described as, "Psycho bow hunting rocker guy Ed Argent." She asks Piz for a favour. He's in. She's asking him for favours. 

JOY: Mmm, welcome to the club, Piz. This must be a Ted Nugent thing, right? 

HZ: I guess. 

JOY: It's a pretty thin veil. 

HZ: And who can resist Veronica doing her vapid sorority voice and wearing pink? 

VERONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! I am your biggest - super-biggest fan. I joined the NRA after they covered you in Guns Magazine.
PARKER: Oh, I loved that article!
MAC: Totally. The second amendment is, like, my favourite.
VERONICA: We were so hoping to get a picture of you in our sweatshirt for our celebrity wall.
ARGENT: Anything for a fan. 
VERONICA: Awesome.
ARGENT: Maybe after the show, I could stop by the sorority. 
VERONICA: Ooh, I think the Theta Betas would really enjoy that.
PARKER: Okay, say "meat"! 
ARGENT, VERONICA, MAC: Meat!

HZ: The prank is that they're getting him to put on a Theta Beta pink sweatshirt, but he's put on one that says, "Meat is murder." Whoops! 

JOY: Ha! I love seeing Veronica, Mac and Parker as a team, so much, in this episode, and their little sorority sweatshirt thing is really fun. And Mac's extreme reluctance to participate is hilarious. "The Second Amendment, it's like my favourite one." Nice. 

HZ: I love seeing Veronica having female friendships, and also friendships where they're all collaborating, not just doing her bidding. 

JOY: Yes. 

HZ: PHAT love this prank. They invite Veronica and Mac to join their No Fur campaign where they take naked photos saying No Fur. But it's a prank as well! 

JOY: Oh, you've been punked!

HZ: Classic japes. 

JOY: Delightful. They're in! They're in the club!

HZ: Now, there's a party going on. You remember in episode 4 of this whole thing, when Veronica and Wallace infiltrate a college party and the theme of it is cultural insensitivity in hats? And it's the annual culturally insensitive hat party! Mac and Parker weren't going to participate, but because the plan is for Mac to invite Bronson so she can spend time with him, they do; and so they pretend their room is Canada. 

JOY: I do like any excuse to put up a pic of a moose.

HZ: Lovely. And the other way that they indicate that it's Canada is they keep playing ‘One Week’ by Barenaked Ladies. 

JOY: Yeah, yeah, they're rocking out to Barenaked Ladies. Eventually Bronson comes by. I love this because Parker's just like, "I checked his ID at the border."

HZ: Yes. She's so sweet. It's nice to see Parker having a good time as well. She seems like she's getting to a good place. 

JOY: Yeah, she's super fun. And there's some crackling fucking electricity between Mac and Bronson, and then he tries to kiss her, and then she flinches away. But don't worry: Parker holds on to his ID so they have a reason to go by his house later. 

HZ: It's bold. 

JOY: Yeah, so bold. 

HZ: But the door is answered by a girl, and because of obvious misdirection you're like, "That will turn out to be his sister that he's a little bit handsier with than other people might be."

JOY: Dude, they have strong Lannister vibes, for a brother-sister situation. 

HZ: And Mac and Veronica manage to find that Bronson's room is full of rats. 

JOY: Full of rats. 

HZ: The stolen rats, not just pests. 

JOY: In a rare show of directness, they immediately enquire about the rat. And he's like, "You know, people know I'm the animal guy, so they drop animals off on my doorstep all the time. These were dropped off the other day." So Veronica's immediately like, "OK, do you still have the box?" And for some reason they do still have the box, full of shredded girlie mags.

HZ: That doesn't seem like a great choice of paper for keeping animals snug. Very sharp, quite cold. 

JOY: It certainly wouldn't be my choice of the first thing I would shred if I needed a place to put some rats, you know what I mean? It's probably glossy, so it's not that absorbent. You might not be done with those girlie mags. I don't know. 

HZ: Before Deputy Sacks can turn up with a warrant and search Bronson's house, Mac warns him so the rats are gone when he arrives there. And she's found tea leaves, green tea leaves, on the motherboard of the destroyed computer. Who drinks green tea? Emi, rival scientist next door! Also, loads of people. Which Emi points out. But she's also got a squeaky banana that she confiscated from the monkey a few weeks ago, because it was annoying. 

JOY: Suspicious. Emi's played by Brittany Ishibashi, who is super fucking awesome on Marvel's Runaways. She plays Tina Minoru, she's so fucking cool. Runaways rocks. Highly recommend. Please enjoy. She's so great. 

HZ: She's great in the two minutes of screen time she has in this. 

JOY: Mm-hmm. 

HZ: Where else is there green tea? Next door, in the other lab. Fancy that. It was an inside job all along, and do you know the clue, Jenny, is that the scientist who has stolen his own monkey is called Gil Thomas Pardy. Do you get it? Gil T Pardy. 

JOY: Oh, no. 

HZ: Yes, yes. 

JOY: This show... Helen, sometimes the show really honks. What the fuck? Dude. They had to turn this script in before the Christmas break, and they were just like, "Uhhhhhhh, Gil T Pardy, hahahaha, and done." Tying the bow, throwing it on to Rob Thomas's desk, leaving for vacation. That honks. Ugh. As we both know from our independent research, this monkey, who is adorable, is played by a monkey named Katie who played Marcel on Friends as well, if you can believe - I saw this monkey's face and I was like, "I know that face." I know it's stupid that I'm looking at a monkey thinking I know it, but I was right! Vindicated. That's friggin' Marcel. 

HZ: What an incredible career. 

JOY: Yeah. And Veronica takes pity on Gil. She's like, "Oh my god, this guy really loves this monkey. I'll just go in and return the cheque and say, 'Sorry, couldn't find your monkey,' so that that Gil and the monkey can just continue to be roommates."

HZ: Because he doesn't want to have to kill the monkey because he's got feelings. 

JOY: Right. But then the lead scientist says, "We'll just order a new monkey." Veronica is like, "I didn't just solve animal testing?" Veronica thinks that she brought an end to animal testing by the end of this episode, but no, they'll just order another monkey from the science monkey catalogue. And the whole cycle starts again. Which I hate. And while that really sucks, something nice still happens. Mac goes back to Bronson's house and very awkwardly asks him out, and they kiss. 

HZ: Yay. 

JOY: And we love it, and it's great. 

HZ: The missing animal was Mac's feelings - 

JOY: - all along. 

HZ: And finally, a Loganica update: Dick seems to be living with Logan, and is in disgusting form this whole episode. 

JOY: Yes. 

HZ: We get to see quite a lot of the fake scenery outside Logan's room, because Dick takes a dick pic with a Polaroid and then tosses it out onto the street below, and he's like, "Oh yeah, bonus, an elderly lady got it," which is diabolical. 

JOY: Dude. Sir. No. 

HZ: He also thinks Garden State is a book. 

JOY: Yes. Yes, he does. This is so great. "Yeah, that book where the guy goes home to New Jersey and has a sidecar." It's really good. Then Dick, Logan, and Chip all go surfing, and some girls who actually can surf too, and also can drink beer just like boys, believe it or not.

HZ: Like boys, but sexy for boys. 

JOY: Yeah, like boys but with boobs. 

HZ: Yay. 

JOY: It's a whole thing. 

HZ: Boobs and mouths. 

JOY: Yes. And with those mouths, one of them gives Logan a blowjob, which is weird, especially because she finishes and says, "I can't believe I just did that with Aaron Echolls's son," and then we all throw up into the air sickness bags in the seatback in front of us. 

HZ: That is appalling. Poor Logan. He looks a little miserable before, like it was a sort of duty blowjob to get back into the single life. 

JOY: Right. Right. 

HZ: And then Veronica has been having a heart-to-heart with Piz. 

VERONICA: The whole chasing, hooking-up, people-go-round - Parker has been going nuts, like I'm some sort of freak because I'm not grabbing anything within ten feet. It's exhausting. 
PIZ: Totally. I mean, it's like music. You know, I love music, but it doesn't mean I have to listen to it at all times and anything will do. I'm not going to throw in a Hasselhoff CD just because I left my Neko Case in the car. 
VERONICA: Like, why bother with something that's not good? Because if it's not good - 
PIZ: It's bad. Exactly. But these guys were all like, "As long as she's got a pair of..." You know, it was indelicate. 
VERONICA: What's indelicate about shoes? 
PIZ: I figure, you know, I mean, I know what I like. Why waste my time? 
VERONICA: Like, why bother with something not good just because it's something? 
PIZ: Especially when you know the difference, which not many people do. I mean, do you? 
VERONICA: I...I think I do. 
PIZ: You see, I think that's like ninety percent of life, just knowing the difference.

JOY: Oh my god, they are having two different conversations. Piz is saying, "This could be something," and Veronica is saying, "You're right, this thing with me and Logan could be something." He just is trying so hard, and he's so incorrect about what is actually going on here. And it's sad. Piz is growing on me. Like a soft moss. 

HZ: Because of the dancing. 

JOY: Exactly. God, his show, it sucks so bad. His show sucks, Helen. 

HZ: It is the worst radio show, especially now that Mercer's off the air. 

JOY: Exactly. 

HZ: But the upshot of that heart-to-heart is Veronica rushes back into Logan's arms at the Neptune Grand. 

JOY: And they make out, and Logan kicks the door closed, and we're like, "Nice! Hope that blowjob never comes up."

HZ: And then next episode they'll probably break up again. 

JOY: Yay. Live for the conflict. 

HZ: Phew. Well, Jenny, there have been some obvious crimes, and probably some less obvious crimes. Shall we find out what they all are from our resident legal expert and marshmallow, Lo Dodds, in today's LoDown? 

JOY: Indeed we shall. Oh yes. 

THE LODOWN

JOY: Is stealing your own lab monkey a crime? 

LO DODDS: Yeah, it's not his lab monkey, though. It belongs to the university, it's theft. 

JOY: OK. So you can't steal somebody else's monkey. That's a crime. 

LO DODDS: Yeah, you cannot steal someone else's monkey. 

JOY: Noted. 

HZ: Never mind. 

JOY: Writing this down in my diary. Do the police usually turn up to cocktail parties when someone has been missing for five to ten  minutes? 

LO DODDS: That whole waiting 24 hours thing is fake.

HZ: Oh! 

JOY: [Gasp]. 

LO DODDS: It's something people invented for TV. 

JOY: TV is so bad for us. 

LO DODDS: I know. Shocker, you do not have to wait 24 hours to report someone's missing. In fact, you should not wait 24 hours to report someone missing, because obviously - especially if you are talking about a very vulnerable person or a child - if you know that they are supposed to have shown up somewhere, that first 24 hours, 48 hours, are pretty crucial for collecting evidence and whatnot. So, no, you do not have to do that. And the fact that she was just about to walk on stage and suddenly went missing is kind of a big indicator that something is wrong. 

JOY: You're making me realise I have two pieces of information stored in my brain from watching procedural TV and drama: that, A. you can't report, it doesn't count for a person to be missing until it's been 24 hours, and also, B. that the first 24 hours are the most crucial in a missing person's case. 

LO DODDS: It's really weird because they say that a lot, but obviously I think even the show - what was the show where they they constantly track people that are missing all the time? There's a crime procedural drama, and I can't remember what it is. But they always talk about that, that first 48 hours. And you would do, yes, because that's when you're going to need to collect evidence. Whenever a crime is committed, you want things to be fresh. 

JOY: Fresh. 

LO DODDS: Yeah. 

HZ: I was a bit confused, Lo, so please clarify for me what crimes are Bud's crimes, and is it some insider trading shit to make your wife seemingly disappear to make some share prices go up? 

LO DODDS: Yeah, so I don't think he's insider trading because he's not trading any stocks based on insider information. What he's doing, what he's committing, is extortion. He's blackmailing her. He could also be charged with false imprisonment. 

HZ: Wow. Is it false imprisonment if she's doing it kind of voluntarily? 

LO DODDS: She's doing it based on a threat.

HZ: OK. 

LO DODDS: So I think he could still get charged. It's like threats or force, and she, to the extent that he's keeping her there under threat of, you know, in this case exposing her. 

HZ: But then they plant evidence and do a counter-blackmail. 

LO DODDS: Yeah, I can't with their counter-blackmail, and they plant evidence on Hallie. They do essentially their own sting operation, which, to the extent that you're going to get somebody in trouble for a crime they didn't commit, or you are going to damage someone's reputation because they're going to be accused of a crime that they didn't commit, yeah, they could face some liability for that. But considering they did all do those crimes, you know... The issue with the dine-and-dash is not a thing as far as, generally speaking, California is a community property state, so both spouses are entitled to an equal division of community property. Now, I think what Keith is probably referring to here is the experience he has in the PI business of a common clause in a prenup. 

JOY: Ah. 

LO DODDS: So if you have reached the ten year mark, you're entitled to a greater settlement. And I'm guessing that's what he's referring to. Because it's not a rule in California. In California, everybody, it's a 50/50 split. 

HZ: Lo, somehow one of these episodes violated a natural law and made me feel sorry for Chip. 

LO DODDS: I know. 

JOY: Inappropriate. Unsubscribe. 

HZ: We don't exactly find out what's happened to him, except for that he has had a plastic egg inserted into his body. 

LO DODDS: And I'm still very unclear as to whether or not the Lilith House did this? It seemed like it was very much glossed over that they committed what is actually rape, rape by a foreign object. 

HZ: Right. 

JOY: Bleurgh. So, we know that serial killers love to send letters to the police station being like, "And the next thing I'm going to do, you'll never see it coming!" And then they do like a little riddle and they twist their moustache and they drop the mail in the letterbox and it goes to the police station. But is it legal to make that kind of announcement in a classified ad? 

LO DODDS: If you make a threat against someone, that could constitute harassment. But just announcing that you're going to kill again -

HZ: Or in this case, rape again. 

LO DODDS: Rape again, and in this case the rapist didn't place that ad. It did sound to me like it was more plausible that the Lilith House placed it to keep people away from the party. I bought that. 

JOY: Right, right, right. 

HZ: Oh, do you think they placed the bomb threat as well, that is otherwise unresolved? 

LO DODDS: That whole thing about the bomb threat: I didn't understand whether Keith did that, or somebody else did that, and why you would call in a bomb threat, which has some serious repercussions at the state and federal level. You're going to get charged. You'd get charged with terrorism. Like, we've talked about this before with the kid with the countdown website. The whole bomb threat seems ridiculous as opposed to simply saying, "There is a man attacking girls in Benes Hall. He may be hiding in one of the rooms." That's not going to get fobbed off. 

HZ: I don't know, they didn't give a shit before. I know that you've covered several of these before, but just break down what Mercer would be charged with. 

LO DODDS: He would be charged with felony rape by use of an intoxicating substance. California has specific rules about certain drugs, and GHB is one of them. It is a date rape drug, and you can be charged separately for that in addition to the rape itself, just possession of the drug to be used to rape somebody. And Moe and Mercer are both getting charged with all of these, because Moe's aiding and abetting, and since he's going to be charged as an accomplice he will get all the same charges and all the same penalties as Mercer. 

JOY: Wow. Moe is like the Ghislaine Maxwell of Hearst College. 

HZ: Allegedly. 

LO DODDS: Exactly. And, but, I think, like, I'm not sure how Miss Maxwell is faring right now, but Moe's definitely going to turn on a dime. I think they have enough physical evidence, but Moe's testimony will put him away for a while. Moe is definitely going to turn state's evidence. The minute Moe is alone in a room with Cliff or some other lawyer that can stand in as a father figure, he's going to give up everything on Mercer, so, to the extent that they wouldn't have the evidence to convict Mercer of those other rapes, Moe's going help out with that. 

HZ: Yeah, but what if Moe doesn't, because Moe is conditioned to benefit Mercer? 

LO DODDS: I think Cliff could convince him that he needs to give Mercer up. 

HZ: What kind of jail time would they be looking at? 

LO DODDS: You can get up to eight years for each rape. Moe and Mercer would also probably be looking at being charged with sexual battery, and then he would have separate charges for the GHB. So yeah, many, many years they're looking at. And then, of course, if and when they do get out, they will be put on the sex offender registry. 

JOY: Speaking of the Neptune, the very full Neptune sex offender registry: Dick's probably already on there, but if he wasn't already on there, would taking a picture of his penis and throwing it off the balcony at someone land him there? Would mooning the Lilith House float get in there? 

LO DODDS: It's interesting. California, because unsolicited dick pics - pun intended... 

HZ: Richard pictures, in formal. 

JOY: Ha! Dude, when Helen and I launch our our porn production company, it will be called Richard Pictures. 

HZ: My brother Richard's going to love that. 

LO DODDS: Yeah, so before sexting and all this happened, there weren't really laws with respect to unsolicited nude photos. California is trying to pass a law right now that makes it a misdemeanour to do that. Similar laws have been passed in Texas. But, back then, Dick is essentially flashing someone. I have a feeling he could probably charged with indecent exposure, both for the unsolicited dick pic and for the mooning. So, to the extent that they can prove he showed his naked body or his genitals to sexually annoy someone, he could be charged with indecent exposure.

HZ: Sexual annoyance. 

JOY: Dude, seriously, if ever there was a way to encapsulate the essence of Dick, "sexual annoyance" is definitely the vibe. 

LO DODDS: Because for flashing you - that's generally how you would kind of get out of it, the defence to it is it's intended to sexually gratify, for sexual gratification you're showing your genitals. So if you just accidentally show your genitals, you're not going to get charged with indecent exposure; but if you are intending to sexually offend someone then, yes, you could be charged with indecent exposure. And I'm sure he's already on the list, but yes, he'd wind back up there. 

HZ: He's on the Neptune Grand's list, but for some reason they haven't banned him from the hotel yet. Logan smashes up a police car. 

LO DODDS: Criminal mischief. 

JOY: Nice. 

HZ: ‘Mischief’. 

LO DODDS: Yeah. 

HZ: That sounds dainty. 

JOY: Some aggressive mischief. 

LO DODDS: It's a form of vandalism, and because he's done it to a police car, which is a government vehicle, he is deprived of the inference that he had the consent of the owner, which is one of the defences to that. 

JOY: If you're accused of criminal mischief, is "For the love of Veronica Mars" an acceptable defence, especially in Neptune? 

LO DODDS: I think it's a valid legal defence. 

JOY: It'll definitely bring your sentence down, I would think. 

LO DODDS: I think so, yeah. 

JOY: Cool. 

LO DODDS: Logan's crime is technically malicious mischief, not just criminal mischief. 

HZ: ‘Malicious mischief’. That's very Harry Potter-sounding. 

LO DODDS: It sounds very whimsical, but it's not. And he's probably going to have to do community service, one of their sentences, to clean up other people's vandalism. 

HZ: Probably be quite good for him. 

LO DODDS: Let's hope he gets paired up with Weevil again, and they get to continue their friendship. 

JOY: Oh no, oops. Be a real shame if they had to do some community service together. Coming soon to Richard Pictures. 

VERDICT

JOY: I'm tired. These are, these were some real engaging, exhausting, emotional episodes. 

HZ: But we're halfway through the season!

JOY: Look at us go! Whipping through. 

HZ: There were quite a lot of lines that stood out to me. Which did you enjoy? 

JOY: My absolute number one tip-top shelf pick is Dean O'Dell, may he rest in peace, saying, "The sheriff is an idiot. I've met smarter sandwiches."

HZ: Aw. Well, I liked when, at the beginning of episode eight and Veronica is in the depths of heartbreak having just been dumped by Logan, she tells Wallace, "I'm not looking for a pity party," and he says, "That's good, I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons." 

JOY: Of course he does. That sounds like a favour that Veronica Mars would call in. Blowing up the pity balloons. 

HZ: And then, what was your verdict? 

JOY: Well, I've deliberated for a long time in my chambers, and what I have decided is this was an action-packed trio of eps with something for everyone. Wrapping up a huge plot, starting a new one. Keith being cool and fun. Logan and Veronica crackling. Mac getting a cute boy to kiss her, and feeling good about it. Parker being... So many good things, OK, fine, yes, 4.2 plastic Easter eggs full of Werther's Original butterscotch treats, and stored in an appropriate place, in maybe the fruit bowl in a kitchen. 

HZ: Lovely. And we didn't even mention how Veronica paid a homeless man to fish the Easter egg out of a dumpster. 

JOY: Oh lord. 

HZ: Aside from the feminist hate, and the surfeit of Piz over Wallace, I actually loved watching these episodes, even though they were very stressful. I loved seeing Mac; she was on very funny form, and then I was glad to see her actually getting an emotional plot arc that seemed healthy. I like this new mystery being set up. I was a bit intrigued by Lucky-In-A-Wig and his girlfriend shouting. So I will give this trio of episodes 4.6 pairs of mollusc shoes. 

JOY: Woo, yes, mollusc shoes. Unsung footwear. 

HZ: So, that's these episodes of Veronica Mars investigated. 

JOY: Case freakin' closed, I say. 

---

JOY: That was Veronica Mars Investigations season 3 episodes 8, 9 and 10: Lord of the Spit Monkey.

HZ: Watch season 3 episodes 11, 12 and 13, and join us next time to investigate them. JOY: Find the show on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @VMIpod.

HZ: The website where the show lives, except when it's hiding in the guest house with the dogs and the gigantic dogs and a gigantic vase, is vmipod.com.

JOY: I am Jenny Owen Youngs; you can hear more of my speaking voice on the podcast Buffering the Vampire Slayer and you can hear more of my singing voice by going to JennyOwenYoungs.com. And I'll tell you what, this very freaking Saturday, the time has come once more for my annual holiday show, Tidings of Comfort and J.O.Y., which will be occurring upon the internet, Saturday, December 19th at six p.m. Eastern. You can find ticket info on my website, if you want to come, let me sing many Christmas classics in your face without mercy. Join me then. 

HZ: I attended your 2019 festive gig and I absolutely loved it. 

JOY: Oh my goodness. Thank you. 

HZ: It was a hell of a good time. Strong recommend. I'm Helen Zaltzman. I make the podcasts Answer Me This and the Allusionist. And on the latest Allusionist, Jenny Owen Youngs joins me to write an appropriate festive song for 2020. Absolute banger as well. 

JOY: But what about the MASH? Is there any mash? This is a joke about an English dish. 

HZ: There is a potato reference, but the preparation of the potato is not specified. OK, mash if you want, but probably roast realistically. 

JOY: This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman. Thanks to Ian Steadman for the transcript. 

HZ: The music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs.

JOY: The sheriff of this town is Hrishikesh Hirway. 

HZ: Until next time: who's your daddy? 

JOY: Who's your daddy? 

HZ: Kicking in the door right after that guy pulled that unicorn horn out of that other guy's leg with a pair of pliers. 

JOY: What is this, like, a Bruce Willis movie?