VMI 2.21 Happy Go Lucky transcript
Listen to this episode at VMIpod.com/2-21
Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes storylines concerning murder, rape, child abuse, school shooting, and violence.
A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
There have been some rough episodes of Veronica Mars, but this has to be one of the roughest. Aaron fucking Echolls is found innocent on all charges!
And it’s somehow something to do with Veronica getting chlamydia? Fuck! Off!!
Woody Goodman is revealed to be a child abuser, and some of the kids in the bus crash were his victims.
As was Lucky the janitor, who starts firing a gun at the school, then is shot dead.
Terrence Cook is exonerated from the bus crash, but condemned to work at the casino for at least a decade
Jackie leaves without even saying goodbye.
And then, after all that trauma, Veronica has to take finals! It’s too much!
JOY: Wondering what I have to do for a pie, I’m Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: And you know I don’t fly coach, I’m Helen Zaltzman.
You’re listening to Veronica Mars Investigations, Season 2 Episode 21: Happy Go Lucky.
HZ: Originally titled ‘Manning the Ship’. A little obtuse.
JOY: Oh my God, they... Why? Rob Thomas, stop.
HZ: Can't stop, and he won't stop.
JOY: It's horrific.
HZ: He run things, things don't run he.
JOY: Wow. Helen. So Aaron Echolls and I have something in common, we've both been named the sexiest man alive.
HZ: Congratulations to both of you.
JOY: Thank you.
AARON ECHOLLS: In 1987, I was People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. I made a lot of money chasing people around with my shirt unbuttoned.
HZ: I love when this show borrows from Harry Hamlin's real life achievements.
JOY: Oh, was he? Was Harry Hamlin...?
HZ: He was People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive in 1987, which Aaron Echolls says he was. Bit of fun.
JOY: Ooh, I'm looking at the magazine cover right now and he is hot, unsurprisingly.
HZ: But for some reason, this is relevant to his trial for statutory rape and murder, because he's just sitting in the courtroom monologuing about his career. Are defendants allowed to just do that?
JOY: Unclear. It appears he has prepared a certain chapter from his forthcoming memoir that he is testing on the jury.
HZ: If I Did It, by Aaron Echolls.
JOY: Ugh.
AARON ECHOLLS: Then I got older. I started getting cast as the father of superstar tweens who have no idea who I am. It's a new age. They are the ones who are getting movies made today. I'm just some old guy. Enter LilLy Kane. This young, beautiful girl who thought I hung the moon. It's a very powerful thing when someone sees you as the person that you wish you were.
LAVOIE: Even if that person is 16 and dating your son?
AARON ECHOLLS: I didn't claim that it was right. I said it was powerful.
JOY: Yeah, so this sucks. I mean, I guess it's a defence attorney's job to come up with a tale that will get his client off the hook.
HZ: I hate this defence attorney. I hate him.
JOY: This guy sucks, I hate him so much.
HZ: Logan looks very sick about this. And then Aaron says he didn't have sex with Lily, just "fooled around" - oh, that's alright, fooling around with a minor - and he ended their relationship on the day of the murder.
JOY: Right. Then he says she stole his Oscar, he went to her place to get it back, and then Duncan was freaking out and Aaron left them, you know?
HZ: Oh, yes, of course, Duncan's mystery epilepsy/mental health thing they can blame everything on.
JOY: While he's like, "Oh, yes, I was the sexiest man alive and I was getting pictures made left and right, and then I got older and then younger people were getting" - why is the prosecution not objecting? Why is no one saying, "Hey, shut up. Relevance, your honour?" I've seen enough episodes of Law & Order to know what to say in these situations.
HZ: Also, you've got Logan there to watch his dad's trial. You've got the Marses who have a lot of personal investment. You don't have either of the Kane parents, and I understand it to be traumatic, but even for the reading of the verdict they don't show up for their daughter's murder?
JOY: That is questionable.
HZ: They've probably got the money to get the Kanes, at least one Kane, back.
JOY: Mm-hmm.
HZ: The Marses walk out of the building, through a crowd of Aaron Echolls fans with banners, and Keith coaches Veronica for giving her testimony.
KEITH: When you get your chance to testify, it's important you keep yourself in check, OK? Aaron's lawyer is gonna use everything in his bag of tricks to rile you.
VERONICA: Ah, but here's the thing: I'm unrileable. Easygoing Veronica Mars, that's what the kids at school call me.
KEITH: You sure you don't want to go over your testimony with the lawyers again?
VERONICA: You know what I want? More than anything in the world? I wanna be there, in court, watching Aaron at the moment the jury reads the verdict. I wanna see that smirk wiped from his face. I wanna see his expression at the exact moment he realises he'll never be a free man again.
KEITH: Easygoing Veronica Mars, huh?
HZ: Take an easygoing drink.
JOY: Ha! I love, to some degree, how just absolutely terrible on the stand both Marses eventually become. Keith is like, "Hey, we’ve got to keep you cool," and Veronica's like, "Don't worry about it," and then she understandably has a hard time and then Keith, of course, spontaneously combusts.
HZ: Of course, it's very stressful to give evidence in any trial, even if you were just a witness confirming the presence of a car or something. But something like this, where they're the defendants in a weird way, as it turns out, and also then listing some of the actual crimes that Veronica has done in the course of being Veronica Mars.
JOY: Yes. She can't help herself.
HZ: Good news this episode - at least there is one little bit, and it's that Gia Goodman is still wearing blazers, carrying on the hot newsreaderwear of last episode.
JOY: A great look, and she's brought Veronica the traditional gift for someone who has recently saved your life: four cupcakes with flowers on top.
HZ: I thought Gia was pretty great this episode, but Veronica is like, "Thank you, fuck off though."
JOY: Got no time for it. She needs to study.
HZ: Gia invites her to study at her house tomorrow, and she'll even make flashcards as an inducement.
JOY: Do you trust Gia's flashcards? I don't know if I do.
HZ: No. I'd imagine they'll have a lot of stickers on them.
JOY: Oh, yeah.
HZ: Maybe some glitter pen.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: I'm not sure she would be able to identify all of the salient parts of information that Veronica would think necessary for flashcards.
JOY: Well, maybe that's just why they're the perfect team. Veronica can update her flash cards as they go.
HZ: No time! Too busy! So much studying, no time. Wallace and Jackie giggle up, and Wallace immediately gets into the cupcakes.
JOY: He's got a nose for cupcakes.
HZ: He's in a great mood as well.
JOY: He's in a great mood, and hey, Jackie says she might stay in Neptune. That's new.
HZ: Yeah.
JOY: Wow, great.
HZ: Yeah, with all of the stuff happening with her dad. Veronica is just killing all of their buzz, though, because she's like, "Well, you're happy, when I have to ace every test and hope that Angie does terribly so I get the Kane scholarship, grumble grumble." But she does get to say:
VERONICA: Elementary, my dear Wallace. Do you have any idea how long I've waited to say that?
HZ: Jackie skips off to get some milk to go with the cupcakes, but no respite for Veronica because everyone wants her time, including Weevil, he needs help with algebra because he's got to graduate for his grandma. Also, he's growing a moustache and beard, what do you think about that, Jenny?
JOY: I... Listen, I have to, I took it upon myself to just ignore the moustache and beard. Maybe I'll think about it later, because I was so busy thinking about Weevil and math together.
HZ: Yeah? That doing it for you?
JOY: Yes. Two of my favourite things, Weevil and algebra. Math that I understand.
HZ: I didn't know you were into algebra. There's so much I still have to learn about you.
JOY: I mean, it's not like my passion, but if I had a workbook right now...
HZ: You could algebra the shit out of it.
JOY: I would absolutely do it to take the edge off anything to distract me from the yawning void just outside of my peripheral vision.
HZ: Another first of many truly terrible things to happen this episode. Shots are fired, and students scream and rush for cover. Veronica pushes Gia under a table and they watch Lucky climb onto a table, shooting his gun in the air. And he throws some food at a student's face as they cower.
JOY: Ah, and then he's asking for Gia. He actually says, "G-G-G-Gia," which I believe is a "Ch-ch-ch-chia" reference. Do you have Chia Pets in the UK?
HZ: No; we had things where you grew cress out of them, which is similar, I think.
JOY: OK. OK. OK. But you're familiar with the visual of a Chia Pet.
HZ: Is Gia really his girl? They had the fleeting interaction last episode. Didn't seem like a commitment.
JOY: I mean, you and I wouldn't call her his girl, but I think he's really fixated on her because of what we learn later in the episode.
HZ: Wow, there are Golden Girls Chia Pets.
JOY: Unnecessary.
HZ: Jackie is at the bottom of some steps and she starts to dial, presumably for law enforcement, and then Lucky points the gun at her.
JOY: No, no, no, no, no. And then Wallace tackles him! Hell yeah, Wallace to the rescue.
HZ: But Lucky gets away. He picks up the gun. He fucking shoots Wallace!
JOY: Except it's a blank.
HZ: Well, they say it's a blank, but blanks can still kind of give you a nasty bruise. But he's unharmed.
JOY: Oh, I thought blanks just created the noise without actually propelling anything.
HZ: What am I thinking of?
JOY: Rubber bullets, perhaps?
HZ: No, it's not rubber bullets.
JOY: !! I'm reading on quora.com that a blank can kill you. "A blank is a cartridge loaded with powder, but without a bullet. It's intended to make noise or simulate real firing, but without actually propelling the bullet."
HZ: So I'd have thought shooting a blank at someone that close would cause Wallace some injury, even if not a fatal puncture like a bullet.
JOY: Right. But he's completely unharmed. Television magic, Helen.
HZ: They should not play with us that way.
JOY: But then you know who's not shooting blanks? The security guard. The security guard at the high school has a gun?
HZ: Well, you know they've got all those metal detectors and stuff. I guess since the threats last season... But, yeah, that was surprising. I would've thought a taser. In fact, where's Veronica's taser in all this?
JOY: Probably in her locker.
HZ: "I'm too busy studying to tase."
JOY: Ha!
HZ: Lucky is shot in the back and falls down dead, and nobody talks about this again in the episode.
JOY: That's pretty wild.
HZ: All of these kids don't seem traumatised by: A. having their lives threatened, and B. seeing someone shot dead in front of them. Wallace is just on top of the world the whole episode, is that because he's like, "I lived!" Or is it just Wallace's every day?
JOY: Seems pretty Wallace. It's just wild that nobody seems impacted by this highly traumatic incident.
HZ: Maybe because, in Neptune, people in service jobs are invisible to them. So they're like, "Yeah, there was a sort of loud bang, and the molecules of the air were briefly ruffled, but I don't think there's anything else."
JOY: Ah, that could be, that could be. So we see Woody doing a press conference about Lucky. Refers to him as "disturbed", says the gun was just loaded with blanks.
HZ: Oh, he'd just completed a tour in Iraq, so, OK, the show's doing more handwaving at mystery mental health stuff.
JOY: A journalist enquires about the relationship of Lucky to Woody, and Lucky brushes it off as, "Lucky was a batboy for the Sharks way back, and that's it."
HZ: And they had to let him go because some of the players complained about his job performance. What does a batboy do?
JOY: Ooh, what a great question.
HZ: Thank you.
JOY: I think they...
HZ: Hang upside down in trees?
JOY: It's a person who carries bats for a baseball team.
HZ: I guess that is quite intuitive.
JOY: Yup, yup.
HZ: The Marses are watching this press conference at home unimpressed. They don't even get to the end before Keith switches it off, which surprises me, because I'd have thought the Marses would watch until the credits just out of self-loathing.
JOY: Or to, you know, get the whole picture of what they're up against.
VERONICA: Look at that. His eyes are turning brown.
KEITH: I'm thinking about getting you some sort of giant hamster ball so you can roll everywhere in this protective sphere.
VERONICA: It'd just draw attention to me. Nobody likes a blonde in a hamster ball.
JOY: As I always say, Helen, I'm literally always saying that. So, OK, terrible news - well, great news - Lucky sent Woody a lot of emails, but the attachments were all deleted when something or other on Woody's main computer, right?
HZ: And they know this because Keith's been into Lucky's apartment and got into his emails. You know, just as Marses do, it's just a formality, really. And it's not like the police would have been searching the apartment at the time.
JOY: Yeah, maybe taking his computer into evidence.
HZ: YThere's some very 2006-speak about servers and why the emails are stored locally, but they may be blah-de-blah-blah on another computer - the point is they might be still there on one of Woody's computers, and luckily Veronica is going to the Goodman house tomorrow night.
JOY: And this is where the bad news comes in. The bad news is Woody's password, which Keith has peeped over his shoulder. Veronica says, "You never log on with a Mars nearby." Great point. Woody's password is "mrgoodwood". Woody's password is "mrgoodwood". [Makes vomiting noise] I truly hate this.
HZ: What's weird is that Jackie in hospital tells Terrence about how Wallace heroically saved her, and Terrence is like, "That pisses me off. I'm supposed to save you."
JOY: Well, I think he's feeling helpless and unmanned and having issues with regard to his situation. But love to hear Jackie telling the tale of Brave Wallace. That's a highlight.
JACKIE: Wallace literally sailed over the table. Sailed! Then he just slams into this guy, just like bam, and tackles him to the ground.
TERRENCE: Thank God he was there.
JACKIE: Yeah, he was pretty freaked out after, but he's doing okay now. What?
TERRENCE: I'm the one who's supposed to keep you safe. Supposed to make your life easier, and I've made it a circus.
JACKIE: Okay, no more painkillers for you. You're out of your mind. My life is not a circus. No, it's the best it's ever been.
JOY: Aw, she's very happy right now.
HZ: Exactly; so that can't last, obviously.
JOY: No, no, no, no, no.
HZ: At jail, Aaron is led to the visitor phones, last seen with Kendall being boobtacular next to them. But this time, it's Logan, blending in with the very browny-green scenery, of course.
AARON ECHOLLS: I wanted to talk to you before you testify. We both know the DA's going to ask what you saw on those tapes. I think it's in your best interest that you don't tell him.
LOGAN: What, because I want so desperately for you to be free so we can be a family again?
AARON ECHOLLS: Logan, the moment that you say you saw those tapes, you will be admitting to destroying state's evidence. I'm gonna win this, son. And there's no sense in you being convicted of a felony.
LOGAN: Aw gee, Dad. You're always looking out for me. Thanks for the advice.
HZ: He's very confident, for someone who didn't even make bail.
JOY: Yeah, right? Or maybe... Was there no bail? Was he not allowed out on bail because he has too much money and might skip town or whatever?
HZ: Maybe.
JOY: Someone has keyed Cassidy's car. Is this a popular form of vengeance or retaliation in your part of the world?
HZ: I don't think I'm the best person to ask because most of the people I know are not very car-proud, or don't have cars, so someone writing an epithet into the side of the car, such as "Amber is a bitch" as Cassidy has received here, might just be not really diminishing the aesthetics of the car anyway because the car might be quite dinged up, very dirty. Like my parents' cars tend to be covered in moss.
JOY: Moss?
HZ: Yeah.
JOY: All right.
HZ: But why? We don't know who Amber is, right? Maybe they got the wrong car.
JOY: Yeah, this is just... They've definitely got the wrong car.
HZ: Mysterious.
JOY: Cassidy's like, "Oh no, this is going to be so expensive to fix, and it's going to take so long," and then Hart says, "Hey, Veronica." She doesn't remember him. I barely remember him. Do you remember him?
HZ: Not until I checked the transcript for season 1 episode 14, and he's the kid who had the tape that showed Lynn Echolls falling to death, and he's like, "Veronica, I haven't said a thing, wink, wink," and she's like, "Uhhh... OK?" So she's forgotten all about season one.
JOY: I wonder what the significance of this could be! Hmm! I bet it'll be in the "Previously on" of the next episode, I'm putting $5 down right now.
HZ: Maybe it's just for local colour, Jenny? Maybe just for a fleshed-out Neptune High world. But Veronica knows someone who can help Cassidy.
JOY: Oh, yeah. Veronica, the great connector of people. Can't wait for that to play out.
HZ: Yeah. How come she's so busy earlier that she can't do anything, and yet she's like, "I'm happy to stand around looking at Cassidy's scratched car."
JOY: I think it's just the side effect of being Veronica Mars. You try and try and try, but the people always come for you.
HZ: I know it's night when Veronica goes to study at the Goodman residence, but it is so dark. So dark.
JOY: Dude.
HZ: Why do they make it so hard for themselves to exist?
JOY: When Veronica goes into the room with the spare computer, it is so fucking, fucking dark. It is so fucking dark. It is so beyond-any-suspension-of-disbelief dark.
HZ: It's a very noirish episode, except for the scene where Lucky is shooting, because that's in the sun.
JOY: Right.
HZ: Gia thinks finals are stupid, and she thinks revision is a stupid concept as well.
GIA: Finals are so stupid. We already learned this stuff. Why do we have to try and learn it all over again?
VERONICA: You know what we should do?
GIA: Take a break?
VERONICA: I was thinking more take a practice test. The company that does the textbook has one online.
GIA: You're really a good student, Veronica. It's kind of sweet. …Oh my God!
VERONICA: Doesn't look that bad.
GIA: No, I'm on MySpace, and I used to have like a thousand friends, and suddenly for some reason now I only have nine hundred something.
JOY: Kids, MySpace...
HZ: Veronica pretends that her laptop is fucked, so Gia's like, "Have one of our 90 billion computers."
JOY: "We have like 80 computers," she says. Jesus christ.
HZ: Which is not at all weird. And Veronica has a list of Lucky's emails, including user444@planetzowie-mail.com.
JOY: Planet Zowie!
HZ: The Google of Neptune. And she starts forwarding things to Keith. Isn't it going to seem a bit sus to... Is she in Woody's emails?
JOY: Yes.
HZ: Isn't it going be a bit weird in his sent mails, all these things going to KMarsPI?
JOY: Yeah. She doesn't have time to delete the sent mails, so...
HZ: And then, little blast from the past, an email that says, "Kill incorporation or else," and has an audio file attached to it.
JOY: Helen! Your fave! So nice to see old friends.
HZ: I can never be free.
JOY: Nope. Helen, I'm incorporating the podcast. I wanted to wait until the finale to surprise you.
HZ: I don't even know what it means!
JOY: Yeah, City Hall was actually like, "We don't usually do this," and I was like, "You listen to me, my friend Helen will weep rivers of tears unless I make this happen, she's going to be so pissed, she's gonna lock me in the cellar again, please! For the love all that is holy and good in this world," and City Hall said, "OK, we'll incorporate your pod.”
HZ: Youngs!! Anyway, this audio file's pretty juicy.
JOY: Ooh yes.
HZ: Usefully descriptive.
VOICE 1: We have to tell people what Woody did to the three of us. It's gonna come out someday. A couple of the Sharks had to know about it. They'll come forward. Things like this don't stay secret.
VOICE 2: Damn right.
VOICE 1: Woody's a pervert. He's sick! What he did to us is wrong! We were just kids.
HZ: Veronica forwards to Keith, stumbling over his address. She waits agonisingly for the 2.3MB file to send, but the door swings open and it's Woody! Yikes! But it's no problem, actually, because he's like, "Mi casa es su casa."
JOY: But he says it in such a creepy way that makes it feel not genuine. And he doesn't turn the light on either, Helen, goddamn it.
HZ: He doesn't need to, because he's wearing very bright white trousers, which radiate light. And Veronica has to get back to Gia while Woody sits at the computer, so presumably he thinks something's up. But Gia's not there! Veronica gathers all her things to run, and Gia pops out with two massive bowls of ice cream, and Woody leans in the doorway in the background very creepily.
JOY: So creepy.
HZ: Must be nice for Steve Guttenberg at this point of the season just to be able to go full creep. Bit more fun than just being like, "Hey I'm just the cool mayor on a golf cart, everyone's friend." Now he can just be gross.
JOY: I wonder if he knew at the top of the season like what his arc was going to be, and if he was deliberately playing it down the middle, or if that was something that just was a happy accident?
HZ: Hmm. That's a great question.
JOY: He's on Cameo. Maybe we can get him to Cameo us about it
HZ: Incidentally, Gia is not in season three of Veronica Mars because she got the part in Gilmore Girls. And this is her last episode of season two because she booked a pilot, so wasn't there for the finale episode.
JOY: Oh!
HZ: At the Mars home, they consider the audio recordings. Someone's speaking French in the background, and has one person been edited out?
JOY: Did you, upon first listen, perceive there to be a missing voice?
HZ: No, but I guess because they say, "We have to tell people what Woody did to the three of us..."
JOY: Right, yeah, oh yeah, totally.
HZ: I don't know whether there's edit evidence that the Marses are going on, or whether they're just like, "Three of us? But I only hear two people."
JOY: Gotcha. OK.
HZ: But maybe the person sending it edited themselves out?
JOY: Hmm.
HZ: And how did they get this recording in the first place? Why were they recording something? A lot of questions.
JOY: A lot of questions, very few answers.
HZ: Keith didn't find answers in Lucky's emails, just a lot of ramblings.
JOY: Terrible news, Helen, terrible news: we have to go back to court and hear more of the Aaron Echolls line of defence, fake order of events.
HZ: Veronica's sworn in now. I don't like it. I don't think this is appropriate questioning.
JOY: It seems bad, but it also seems like the kind of thing a judge would allow, potentially, because it goes to character. I could see that reasoning being employed. Ugh.
LAVOIE: You find wealth and fame seductive, don't you?
PROSECUTOR: Objection.
LAVOIE: I'll back up. Your past two boyfriends, Duncan Kane and the accused's son Logan Echolls, certainly fit that description, do they not?
VERONICA: They do.
LAVOIE: And Lilly Kane was your best friend.
VERONICA: Yes.
LAVOIE: You looked up to her.
VERONICA: Yes.
LAVOIE: Emulated her?
VERONICA: To a degree.
LAVOIE: Is that why you propositioned Mr Echolls upon discovering the tape of Lilly and my client kissing?
VERONICA: You mean naked kissing? With Aaron on top, gyrating? That tape?
LAVOIE: You watched the tape, you found Mr Echolls at the Kane party, and you told him that you'd give him back the tapes, but he had to earn them. What exactly did you mean by "earn"?
VERONICA: I never said that. I didn't proposition Mr Echolls; he hid in my back seat.
JOY: Is the worst part of this line of questioning that now everyone knows Veronica Mars is a part-time sexperson?
HZ: Nothing could be worse for her.
LAVOIE: Miss Mars. You're how old?
VERONICA: Eighteen.
LAVOIE: And you're currently completing treatment for a sexually transmitted disease?
PROSECUTOR: Objection!
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
JOY: Why is it that a person can't both have sex and tell the truth?
HZ: It's just the rules, Jenny. When you're a sexperson...
JOY: It's a strange law of nature, but what can we do but accept it?
HZ: No sexpeopling in Neptune unless you can face the consequences. And I bet you can't. Sexpeople never prosper. Except Aaron, I guess. Lamb loves it, and as Keith is hugging her and walking her out, he's leaning on a wall smugly and kind of rotato-smugs, as if he's trying to follow them but is just too wreathed in his own smugness.
JOY: Ugh.
HZ: It's sort of beautiful in a way.
JOY: It was really noticeable.
HZ: Lamb's smugging session is interrupted by Deputy Sacks, because the judge wants to see him ASAP. And the judge seems to be having a fantastic time in his room, chuckling away with Leonard Lobo of the casino. Then there's a couple of people just silent, sitting at the side of the room, and not allowed to join in the jollity.
JOY: Yeah, this is... Well, here we are.
LAMB: You wanted to see me, Judge?
JUDGE FERRIS: There's been a development, Sheriff. Seems Mr Lobo here was struck by a bolt of lighting.
LAMB: What, that he could cash old ladies' social security checks himself and get rid of the slot machines?
JOY: Suddenly, Mr Lobo has a flash of divine memory restoration and realised that he was actually with Terrence Cook at the time of the bus crash, so he couldn't have possibly made that call. Bleh.
HZ: His memory was jogged by a documentary about sharks.
JOY: Oh my god.
HZ: I love how bullshitty he is.
JOY: He doesn't even try to come up with a good bit.
HZ: The silent people at the side of the room are Leonard Lobo's corporate attorney and his chief financial officer, who were also with Terrence on that night. Lamb looks really pissed off.
JOY: Unexpected team-up momen!
HZ: Yes. The light points of the episode!
JOY: Oh my god. Weevil and Cassidy, they each have something the other wants.
HZ: Algebra and car fixing. The two genders.
JOY: Of course. And Cassidy is trying to tutor Weevil in algebra, and it is not going well.
WEEVIL: This is pointless.
BEAVER: No, okay, look. So you know quadratic equations, right?
WEEVIL: Do I look like someone who knows quadratic equations, huh?
BEAVER: I'm just trying to see what you already know.
WEEVIL: Zero. You want your car fixed? Teach me.
BEAVER: Okay. Okay. All right, look, so this equation here: what do you think that we should do first?
WEEVIL: Am I a five-year-old girl? Huh? Lay it out for me, dawg, come on. Make me understand!
BEAVER: Okay, okay, okay! Okay. Okay, so let's say that you and your buddy, you want to buy a twelve pack of a certain item, say, like, um, like spark plugs, for X dollars, and you want to find out how many of another item, like I dunno, like oil, right, like oil that you can get for the same amount, except oil is Y times as much as -
WEEVIL: If this is your idea of terms I'll understand, I'm going to kill you.
JOY: But don't worry, Helen - Mac to the rescue! She just happens to be A. at an adjacent lunch table, and B. a much better communicator about algebraic ideas than Cassidy, and C. more than happy to help Cassidy because she clearly misses him.
HZ: She's looking very cute as well.
JOY: Yeah. She looks so happy.
HZ: Over at Mars HQ, Keith is on the phone tersely asking for someone called Rick Pickett. Now, there were three batboys the year Lucky worked for the Sharks, and they're all far away. It's fucking inconvenient. But then, a revelation: Keith, who was like, "I couldn't make head or tail of Lucky's emails earlier," is suddenly finding some clues.
JOY: Ah, "presents", right, right, right, right, right, right. Lucky called roadside bombs "presents", and he's discussing "presents" in the emails.
HZ: Also frustrated, Keith runs off, bursts into Woody's office and Woody's like, "I'm a little busy, Keith. Not like the time when I made you come all the way to the golf course so I could say like three lines to you and then just to tootle off in my golf cart like a prick."
JOY: Yes. Yes. Keith is like, "Woody, you've got to get your family out of this house. I think there are bombs in your house."
KEITH: You need to call your family and get them out of the house. Then you need to call the bomb squad and comb the place.
WOODY: What are you talking about?
KEITH: The emails Lucky sent you. They referenced "presents" he's left for you. He called bombs "presents."
WOODY: Tommy is dead, Keith. It's over. Wait, how did you...Veronica! Huh. Most adults don't have their children doing espionage work for them.
KEITH: Most adults keep their hands off of other people's children.
JOY: Shots fired, Keith!
HZ: Soft Power Keith!
WOODY: I'll put this plainly. You are mistaken. And if you share your theories, slander me, I'll ruin you, I'll ruin your family, and you'll remember the moment you walked through that door as the moment you threw your life away.
KEITH: I'm not a fifteen-year-old boy, Woody. You don't scare me.
JOY: Ah! Power Keith! Power Keith! Power Keith!
HZ: Dad v dad fight, continuation of the dad fight.
JOY & HZ: Dad fight! Dad fight!
HZ: Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith has already been ruined. How is he going to be ruined more? Good fucking luck, what are you going to do?
JOY: Keith's already been ruined. Everybody knows that Veronica had an STI, the worst thing that could ever be made public information.
HZ: At Jackie's house, Jackie's going to cook for Wallace - but Terrence is home!
JOY: Terrence is somehow healed and exonerated at the exact same time. What are the odds?
HZ: Jackie leaps into his arms and that is not usually something you do when someone's been recovering from gunshot wounds.
JOY: For a month.
HZ: But he's been like sitting in a hospital bed for several episodes now, so you have to sort of retrain yourself to walk and do fairly basic physical things. He might be hard pushed to carry another human on the day he gets out.
JOY: Yeah, but suspend your disbelief, Helen, everything's fine.
HZ: Because of a witness.
JOY: Because of a witness - until that witness knocks upon the door, oh no.
HZ: Leonard Lobo.
JOY: It's so gross. “Out an hour, you've already got some sweet young thing waiting on you.” Bleh. Disgusting.
HZ: He suggests Terrence send Jackie out for ice cream, as if she's not 18. But instead Wallace calls her to go over to get started on dinner, because of the privacy of an open plan kitchen-living room.
JOY: I'm just so curious to ask Lo about this, because I feel like Lobo does not have the leverage that he thinks he has. But, Lo shall tell.
HZ: The LoboDown.
JOY: Ha!
HZ: Lobo tells Terrence that he'll be "standing at the entrance of my casinos, gladhanding every bozo with a wallet who walks in," and maybe in a decade he'll have paid his debt off if he works hard.
JOY: Brutal, so brutal. Things were just looking up for Terrence and Jackie.
HZ: Joy is short-lived. At school we see the aftermath of Loganica in the last episode.
JOY: An awkward approach, and then, you know, things are smoothed over very nicely with a classic line.
VERONICA VOICEOVER: After a week of forced smiles and the occasional "hey," it's time for business as usual. Ain't epic love grand?
[Veronica approaches Logan by his locker]
VERONICA: Been to any good murder trials lately?
LOGAN: I have. You give an excellent testimony, by the way. It's gripping.
JOY: "Been to any good murder trials lately?" It's exactly what you want to say to anybody to clear the air and make things smooth.
HZ: What a chat-up. She asks Logan if Lucky had said something about his time as a batboy, which he had not, and what a surprise that Lucky didn't confide in obnoxious rich boys Logan and Dick about the trauma he might have suffered. But there was a weird baseball-related incident last summer. We go into a very smeary flashback.
JOY: Yeah, and Logan finds lucky shirtless, wearing a catcher's mask, and like bleaching his feet? Oh man.
HZ: And Logan is just like, "OK, I see you're busy bleaching your feet, but I need a keg delivered to the beach tonight," which is very compassionate and helpful. I'm surprised he didn't mention this to Veronica at the time, because they were dating.
JOY: Yeah. And apparently Logan says that Lucky wore the catcher's mask whenever they were, quote, "Going into battle," whatever that might have meant.
HZ: Well, Logan did do the bumfights? But then going into battle for these guys could also be getting drunk and trying to pull women.
JOY: Right.
HZ: Oh, Jenny, don't make me go back to the court!
JOY: I hate the court.
HZ: I've been subpoenaed and I have to watch another court scene with Keith giving testimony.
JOY: Oh, god. This is so stupid! I hate it.
HZ: This episode just gets worse and worse in terms of things you have to go through whilst watching it. I think it's a good episode, but it's so hard to watch.
LAVOIE: Mr Echolls testified that after Veronica lost control of the car and crashed it, they knocked on the door of a nearby house, asked the owner to call a tow truck, and Veronica and Aaron waited on the man's porch. You arrived, saw your daughter in a compromising position, and started a physical altercation with Mr Echolls. And this version has been confirmed by the occupant of the house.
PROSECUTOR: Objection. The homeowner has disappeared, and despite being subpoenaed, has never been questioned by the prosecution.
JUDGE: Sustained.
HZ: Then this fucking defence lawyer's like, "Keith, are you and Veronica close? Does Veronica lie? Well, if you're so close, then how come you don't know she broke into the Manning house and manipulated Leo to get to evidence?"
JOY: Oh, god. I hate it.
HZ: Wouldn't it be kind of significant that Veronica broke into the Mannings’ house, and like how come, the Lamb of it, there was just no follow through on that part?
JOY: Zero follow through. I'm also kind of surprised she didn't tell Keith.
HZ: Yeah. You'd have thought he would be quite proud.
JOY: Yeah. And you think that she would want him to know what was up with the Mannings. Like, it just seems...
HZ: Yeah.
JOY: You know?
HZ: Well, given all the other stuff she's told him in the latter part of this season, once they were kind of working together, it is inconvenient that Duncan has left the country.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: Because he had also seen the tapes, and why wouldn't you believe a Duncan?
JOY: Yeah. If only he had not fled, especially because he didn't have to, because he had the paternal right to raise his own child. But let's not dwell on that.
HZ: This lawyer also posits that Veronica manipulated Leo to steal the tape so it couldn't be found that the tapes didn't contain what Veronica said they contained.
LAVOIE: Doesn't it stand to reason that your daughter, who clearly had this deputy wrapped around her finger, manipulated him in whatever way that pretty young girls manage to manipulate older men, once again?
KEITH: You want to be careful there, Mr Lavoie.
LAVOIE: She knew the tapes didn't show what she said they showed. So, she convinced one "boyfriend" to give them to another "boyfriend," who she knew would destroy them, thus deflecting blame from yet another "boyfriend", Duncan Kane!
[Keith grabs Lavoie by the tie]
KEITH: Any more air quotes and I'll break those fingers off.
JUDGE: Bailiff, have this witness taken -
LAVOIE: I'm fine, your Honour.
JOY: Are you fucking kidding me? Keith Mars, you can only tempt him for so long before he fucking grabs you by the tie and pulls you close to whisper threats into your ear, you know?
HZ: He realises that this has fucked everything, and he looks absolutely wretched, and the judge asks for him to be removed.
JOY: Brutal. So brutal.
HZ: Everyone's pissy in the next scene as well, but in a fun way. It's Weevil and Mac doing math, and Cassidy watching and commentating. But I love how Mac's in charge.
JOY: Yes. I love how like Mac is grading the practice test that Weevil just took, and as she continues to mark things wrong, he's like, "If you put another X on that paper, we're gonna have a problem," but Mac is just like, "What do you want from me? I'm doing what you asked. Deal with it." They are evenly matched in their power struggle, I feel.
HZ: This is a really great combination of people, and it's sad that it's taken so long to find it.
JOY: Yeah. We've never seen this before and it's great.
BEAVER: I told you you went too fast on bouncing equations.
MAC: I didn't go too fast.
BEAVER: You ploughed right through! I didn't understand what you were talking about!
MAC: No surprise there.
BEAVER: What, are you saying you're smarter than me?
MAC: No, I wasn't. Here's what that would've sounded like: "I'm smarter than you." Hear the difference?
HZ: Weevil is onto this sort of cuteness between Mac and Cassidy. He's like, "Get a room."
JOY: "Two Geniuses Work Out Their Aggressions In A Coatroom And Then Come Back Here And Teach Weevil Algebra 1080pHD", yeah, nice! So I'm nominating that little bit into, you know, my favourite new segment, Accidental Porn. Well, Accidental Porn Titling, in this case. As the show's resident porn expert, a title I never thought I would hold anywhere.
HZ: Well, congratulations. Finding your true calling.
JOY: Thank you so much. Where is my plaque and my medal and nametag and desk plate?
HZ: They're in the mail.
JOY: Thank you.
HZ: The Marses are having a less fun time at home. They both seem awkward and formal. But then Veronica tells Keith about Lucky in the mask and the bleach, and Keith's like, "The mask?" Leaps up, opens up that surveillance tape of Woody's home...
JOY: There is an enormous painting of a catcher's mask behind Woody's dining table. Helen, does no one in Neptune have regular-sized art? Remember the Echolls pool house curtains? Remember Hannah's basement den? Remember Woody's enormous fucking catcher's mask? What the fuck?
HZ: This causes Keith to leap up and call Inga to call the bomb squad, there may be a bomb behind the picture. Veronica, meanwhile, studies the tape more and thinks, "Why is Lucky filming the wall... of Little League pictures... The Little League team was also called the Sharks... Oh my god, Marcos and Peter from the bus crash were in that team!"
JOY: Ah!
HZ: Shit! Bomb squad! Fire truck! Police car, outside the Goodman house! Family in robes! Woody pissed off at them trying to save his family! So rude. So ungrateful.
JOY: Fucking bomb, bomb under Woody's car. Good lord. I'm impressed that a crew headed by Lamb was able to detect such a bomb.
HZ: I wonder... Well, obviously it's fictional, so the plot was predetermined, but what would the difference be in this season if Woody had driven that car and the bomb had gone off?
JOY: Yes. Also, when did Lucky put it there, and how long has Woody not been driving his car?
HZ: Well, maybe it wasn't put there by Lucky, Jenny.
JOY: Ah!
HZ: But no time to dwell: we go to the Cook home and it's breakfast time. Jackie has made piles of food for two people. This is a trope I often observe in American dramas: ridiculous amounts of foods for breakfast, just like 30 pieces of bacon, but like three people. Pile of waffles, pitchers of juice, that kind of thing.
JOY: This is not something you guys get into over there? Enormous mountain of English breakfast, sausages piled high, enormous bowl of beans and roasted tomatoes...
HZ: Just giant beans.
JOY: Ha!
HZ: But Terrence is just getting in from work, looking pretty good in a white suit, much better than those massive grey suits they used to put him in.
JOY: Yes, he looks so good in this suit, but unfortunately, he looks a lot better than he feels. He's extremely cranky and mean to Jackie, and he is humiliated and sad and angry, and he can't communicate anything to her about what's going on.
HZ: Yeah. He doesn't want to tell her what his job is. He can't make any plans. She just wants to spend time with him, and it's so crushing, because they've just reached this good relationship. He's like, "Go to Paris after all."
JOY: Yeah. This sucks.
HZ: At Lamb's office, he's got his feet on the desk and he's twiddling a pen very diffidently while the Marses play the recordings and tell him loads of important information.
JOY: Why do the Marses keep playing recordings and giving Lamb important information as though he will ever care?
HZ: They just haven't got to the ACAB part of their lives, have they, the Marses.
JOY: Right, right, right, right, right.
HZ: Veronica has verified Peter's voice on the recording with Mr Wu. She can verify Marcos's voice from the radio show.
KEITH: Woody molested Marcos and Peter. They were gonna come forward, so he killed them.
LAMB: By putting a bomb on the bus.
KEITH: Yes.
LAMB: Then he used the same type of phone-activated bomb on his own car to blow himself up.
KEITH: There was a bomb in Woody's car?
LAMB: You were right, Keith. You thought Lucky planted a bomb, and he did. Did you know that Lucky blew off work the day of the crash?
KEITH: Lucky is not responsible for this.
LAMB: You wanna hear my theory on the whole situation? You are trying to get me to arrest the mayor. You wanna turn me into a laughing stock, again. And it ain't gonna happen.
KEITH: Is your ego really that enormous that you can take the murder of eight people and make it about you? If you don't act on this, Woody's gonna use all his money and resources to disappear. You won't be a laughing stock. You'll be the guy who let a child molester and a murderer get away!
HZ: It is a leap. I mean, could you not arrest the mayor on suspicion of child abuse? Without being like, "and then he bombed the bus, for which there is less evidence, especially given that there's a bomb under Woody's own car," the one piece of crimey business that the Marses somehow didn't know about.
JOY: I just... Yeah. So, Helen, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, we have to go back to the courtroom, again.
HZ: Although I do like Logan's court outfit. He looks very smart in his suit. He's got a green shirt and a green and brown stripy tie, so it's like Loganwear for court. I think that's a nice bit of costuming, and I’m very impressed at the poise he could muster when he has to describe, under oath, a sex tape involving his father and his girlfriend.
JOY: Yeah, it's really impressive what he's able to do, like how he's able to get through this and say what he needs to say. And the only question that the defence has is, "Were you granted immunity in exchange for your testimony?" Which I guess is... This question is designed to implicate Logan, or like make Logan look bad or make Logan look less trustworthy, because he did destroy state's evidence.
HZ: I still don't really understand why Logan destroyed the tapes. But forget it, that was ages ago now.
JOY: I thought it was just out of pain and sorrow, and in defence of Lilly.
HZ: Yeah, but then he's telling people under oath what was in the tapes.
JOY: It's true. He probably wasn't thinking at the time that he... Digarda... Gerdigoritised... Gerdigorra... How do you...?
HZ: Degaussed?
JOY: Degaussed the tapes, about what it would be like to testify, if he had to, in the future.
HZ: No, I guess at a moment of heightened emotion like that, you're not thinking several months ahead. And not even necessarily that you'll be called to testify about tape contents. School: it's exam conditions, and Weevil kisses his cross necklace. Good luck, Weevil! But your life's about to be shat upon hard, because at the Sheriff's Department, a woman with two children needs to talk to someone about a story in the paper that a body has been found in the stadium and identified as Thumper.
JOY: She says her kids saw somebody attack Thumper the night he went missing. Oh, no. Weevil gets a B on his test, exactly the grade he needs to pass, just as the children point him out in the mugshot book of the Sheriff's office.
HZ: Yeah, because do you remember when he chloroformed Thumper and there's some kids playing in the road on bikes or something?
JOY: Right, right, right, right.
HZ: And I thought at the time, probably do the chloroforming just behind the car or something.
JOY: Yeah. Just be a little more subtle.
HZ: He could have done the chloroforming wearing like a balaclava, perhaps. Or a false beard.
JOY: Right?
HZ: But no.
JOY: How hella flirty does Weevil look in his mug shot? 15 out of 10. He's like, "Mmm."
HZ: It's probably not his first mug shot. He knows his angles. He knows the lighting. But jesus fucking christ, Lamb is busy today, because firstly Keith tells him that on the day of the bus crash, Lucky was actually in a padded cell at a veteran hospital, and then they've reached a verdict in the Echolls trial. But we don't find out yet, because let's go back to school.
JOY: We get this really sweet moment, right, where Wallace is like, "It was worth getting taped to a pole."
HZ: Sure.
JOY: It Was Worth Getting Taped To A Pole: The Wallace And Veronica Story.
HZ: Actually, I suppose they wouldn't have been friends without it, because otherwise Wallace would have just been like the popular kid, and Veronica would be like, "Ugh, that guy, oh, hate him."Just because everyone else loves him.
JOY: Right, right, right.
HZ: But they're BFF.
JOY: Yay.
HZ: In the classroom, Veronica awaits the exam, watching Wallace empty his locker, until the teacher shuts the door, and then she gets a text from Keith that the verdict is in. And she's like, "No, no, no, the test's here, got to put my phone away," and then, oh no! She legs it from the room! Why, Keith, why would you send her messages? This exam her college depends on, Keith!
JOY: The Kane scholarship, you fools! Veronica runs out; Wallace goes to the Cook house to pick up Jackie, but she has gone to France, Helen. This very morning.
HZ: What the hell? And like, didn't even text? Left a letter? That's cold. I don't buy this. I think she would have seen him. And also, didn't she have finals too? They've not mentioned Jackie's finals, I don't think?
JOY: Hmm, maybe when you're going to France you don't have to take finals? I don't know.
HZ: Are they very laissez faire about that? At the court, Lamb quietly tells Keith that Woody has fucked off in his private plane with no flight plan on record.
JOY: What's up with that?
HZ: No time to wonder what's up with that, because the verdict! Veronica's there; Logan's there, still in his testimony clothes, so was this the same day that Logan gave testimony and they came up with the verdict, like they didn't deliberate for very long over this multiple-charge case?
JOY: Maybe, or maybe he only has one court outfit?
HZ: Also, behind Veronica there is someone who looks so much like Woody Harrelson in his Hunger Games hair. And a woman who looks absolutely delighted as the verdicts are read out.
JOY: Aaron Echolls, not guilty! Boo.
HZ: Fuck this.
JOY: This is bad.
HZ: Not guilty of second degree murder, aggravated assault, or statutory rape? The assault is pretty evident, come on.
JOY: Yeah. Yeah, this is bad. Bad job, jury.
HZ: Logan looks responsible, a lot of the people in the court look delighted because they're Aaron fans, Veronica looks just wretched, and Aaron receives congrats from his lawyers and then just stares daggers at Veronica. Tsk, tsk, tsk. And that's the end of the episode, and I, I fucking call bullshit on this verdict, but, Jenny, let's get a verdict on the verdict from our resident legal expert and southern Californian marshmallow Lo Dodds in today's LoDown.
THE LODOWN
LO DODDS: The wrongness of this TV trial...
JOY: Would you say this trial makes you want to say "objection"?
LO DODDS: Objection! Objection, and then not state any grounds. That is the lawyer's pet peeve. I think all lawyers think this when they see dramas like this, is that the lawyers are always objecting and then not giving the reason they're objecting, and then the judge is always saying "sustained", which means your objection is valid, or "overruled", which means your objection is invalid. But you can't just say, "Hey, I don't like this," and the judge rule on that. You have to say the reason you are objecting to the question or the answer or whatever it is.
JOY: Is it acceptable to a judge for a lawyer to say, as they often do in procedurals, like, "Objection, where is this going?" Or do you have to be more formal than that?
LO DODDS: So the opening scene is Aaron giving this, like, monologue.
HZ: That's normal in a murder trial, right? Just to recap your career.
JOY: I object to that.
LO DODDS: Think about the question that that prosecutor would have had to ask in order to get Aaron to say that. His question would have had to be something along the lines of, "So, Aaron, tell us why you felt it was OK to start a physical relationship with a 16-year-old child?"
HZ: "Let me just take this back to my 1987 Sexiest Man Alive, because that's where all this began."
LO DODDS: Exactly. That's the point. So the question that he would have asked would have been objected to, in Jenny's words, "Where is this going?" It is, the objection is "calls for a narrative". You don't ask questions where the witness is going to tell their life story because it's impossible for the lawyer, the other lawyer, to know what's going to come out of their mouth, and therefore, they don't know what they're gonna be able to object to, and they would rather not let the jury hear all that before they can object and say, "Hey, this is this seems like it's gonna take a really long time. Could we, you know, get that a little bit more succinct?"
JOY: Wait, am I doing the math right that Veronica would have been born the same year that Aaron Echolls was the sexiest man alive?
LO DODDS: They should have brought that up. Again, bad lawyers. Again, the prosecutor in this: if Aaron took the stand, she would be able to cross-examine him, and this whole idea that she would not bring up something like that, like, "In 1987, that's the same year Lilly Kane was born..." Just like, "Understand?" Or, "Did you know that?" Like, yeah, I... Whatever. That's the objection, anyway, that you would have to that question.
HZ: So you object to the objections.
LO DODDS: It would be very unlikely that Aaron would be testifying at all, actually, in a murder trial if he's the alleged murderer.
HZ: Lo, I just wanted to recap the charges that you listed for the crimes of Aaron: child porn, statutory rape, second degree murder, vandalism, property damage, attempted murder of Veronica, attempted murder of Keith, burglary, grand theft auto, false imprisonment, arson, and assault.
LO DODDS: Yeah. Did those include the crimes against the owner? Because he would have been charged with assault and battery. Potentially attempted murder, not sure, of the owner. Breaking and entering.
HZ: The homeowner, they say, did not respond to a subpoena and hasn't appeared, so are they going to charge Aaron with crimes against this person? I mean, he burned that person's property. That's pretty provable without the person there.
LO DODDS: Yeah. They can charge him with stuff that is unrelated to the owner, but there are certain things that owner would have to press charges against him for. So, like, if you consent to battery, say you're in a boxing match, they're not going to charge those people with battery because they are consenting to get hit in the face. So that does require some participation from the owner.
HZ: Would Aaron have been tried for all these offences in the same trial?
LO DODDS: Yeah, it would have made sense because they would have had all the same witnesses and the same evidence being introduced.
HZ: Is it appropriate, Lo, for a lawyer to say to a witness, "You find wealth and fame seductive, don't you?" That seems like a leading question that is also not really provable.
LO DODDS: No. You would object and say, "That question is argumentative." You're just asking a question that is going to start a fight. Again, I don't know what happened before this, but you would object and say "assumes facts", "not in evidence", because if they have not testified that she dated Logan or she dated Duncan. But it's also inadmissible because Veronica and her dating history and her sexual health are not fucking relevant.
JOY: Right?
LO DODDS: You can't generally introduce character evidence. So you can't say, "This person was a bad person in the past, which means they are more likely to be a bad person in the future."
JOY: Wait, you can't do that? I feel like lawyers on TV are always like, "Objection," and then the other lawyer who asked the question is like, "Goes to character," and then the judge is like, "Sustained."
LO DODDS: No, you can't, you can't generally do that. There are some exceptions, so like, in a sense, Veronica's all of that - her sexual health, her dating history, like the whole idea that Veronica dating two high school boys in Neptune that happened to be rich make it more likely for her to blackmail an old dude into having sex with her is really not going to make that line. But there is certain... You can you can introduce habit evidence, so they sometimes, there's usually the fight about introducing a victim, a rape victim's sexual history, which is, you know, we don't do that. But if you had somebody accused of raping someone that they had had sex with on numerous, numerous occasions consensually, they might be able to say, "Hey, she always consented before, I never had any reason to think there's anything different." That's a line there. But no, none, none of that shit is admissible or relevant, and yeah, if I were the prosecutor, you would've been objecting all hell to that.
HZ: But in this trial, it's like, "Oh, well, this witness is a sexperson, so we must exonerate!"
LO DODDS: She's a sexy person who has dated two high school boys -
HZ: How dare she?
LO DODDS: - and that makes her want to bang that old guy, because he banged her friend. Like, and again, it also makes it more likely that they would have opened the door for them to say, "So you were banging Lilly? You're trying to say that Veronica wanted to bang you because her best friend was banging you. Why do you think Veronica knew that her best friend was banging you?" Like, the whole thing is that he's trying to prove he didn't have sex with Lilly, and that line of questioning would just go down a road.
HZ: "Just fooled around, I mean." Ugh, dear god, Lo. OK, so it's not appropriate to be like, "Well, you've got chlamydia, so, judge, can we just throw this trial out?"
LO DODDS: Yeah, yes. “Everyone who has an STD is not a credible witness.”
HZ: And is it appropriate for them to say a particular something that the homeowner allegedly said, but they've not stated it in court, they haven't been questioned by the prosecution, and they've not responded to a subpoena?
LO DODDS: No. No. So there's a bunch of things going wrong here. So the lawyer, Aaron's defence attorney, whose name I've deliberately forgotten -
HZ: Captain Bullshit.
LO DODDS: - Captain Bullshit is testifying that the owner said something to him. Now, in general, if you are on the stand in a courtroom and you say an out-of-court statement, so you're saying something that somebody said to you out of court and you're saying it in court to prove that it happened, that's hearsay. That's the definition of hearsay. That's an objection you sometimes hear. That would be hearsay if he were testifying. But he's not testifying. He's the lawyer.
HZ: Oh, so that lawyer would have to be called as a witness in order to say this stuff that the homeowner supposedly said.
LO DODDS: He's not taking the stand and saying, under penalty of perjury, "This is what the owner said to me before he mysteriously disappeared, and by the way don't look into any of his bank records because I'm sure he got a cash payout." So that lawyer is opening himself up to professional misconduct. There are rules about lawyers acting as witnesses in cases. I mean, you can do it, but there's limited circumstances. And if you're his lawyer, you're willing to open yourself up to perjury charges for Aaron? Like, this is not happening, and, again, the police are immediately going to look into that guy for witness tampering as well.
HZ: Wow.
LO DODDS: The prosecutor should've objected, the motion to strike, all of that stuff, that never, ever should have happened.
HZ: So in the words of Kristen Bell in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, "Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit."
LO DODDS: Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit is right. I don't understand. So the owner is gone, but like, what about the bread truck guy and the ambulance guy?
JOY: Oh yeah.
LO DODDS: That's what I think about the prosecutor asking Aaron, like, "OK, so you both went up to the house. Now, can you tell me why Veronica's prints were on the inside of a freezer? Can you tell me why yours are around the door jamb? Can you tell me why yours are on the inside of the house?" This is why Aaron would have never testified.
JOY: Dude.
HZ: What happens if you ignore a subpoena?
JOY: Not that Helen's planning anything.
LO DODDS: Right to jail. Right to jail right away.
HZ: Shit, really?
LO DODDS: They'll put out a warrant for your arrest.
HZ: Wow.
LO DODDS: So the sheriff will come and get you if you refuse to comply with an order to appear, and they can hold you in contempt. They can throw you in jail. They can fine you. Don't ignore a subpoena.
JOY: What's going to happen to Keith for grabbing the lawyer's tie and suggesting that he will break his fingers? Not that I'm planning anything.
LO DODDS: I don't know. That lawyer wanted that to happen. He was definitely baiting him, like that whole line of questioning was inappropriate.
JOY: But isn't that what a good, weaselly - no offence to defence attorneys - defence attorney would do? You want to get people riled up.
LO DODDS: Yes. You want to make them uncomfortable so they tell the truth. It's harder to lie when you're feeling uncomfortable and when you're upset. But the whole questioning of, you know, the quotation marks and clearly pissing, like, that should not have happened. He could, I guess, press charges against Keith for battery, but he's probably not going to do that because Keith played right into his hands, which I'm disappointed, considering that Keith probably has testified once or twice in his life, having been sheriff.
HZ: Yes, but his dad fury was invoked. What was he supposed to do?
LO DODDS: I know.
JOY: Dad rage!
LO DODDS: But again, the whole line of thinking is that Keith showed up and was enraged, so, like, again, "Can you explain why Veronica was beat up?" So it's... Never mind.
JOY: It's flimsy, it's all very flimsy.
HZ: The physical evidence of the fire at the house, all of that mess. Trifling. Because she's got chlamydia.
LO DODDS: Yes.
HZ: That means she's fireproof.
LO DODDS: The other thing that bugs me is that, about this whole theory that they've come up with, is that I mean, yes, all the damage at the house, the fact there would've been more witnesses, the fact that none of that story would have made sense with his physical evidence - but she called and left a message for Keith. Like, there's a voicemail where she says, "This is why I'm getting in the car, this is why I'm coming to see you, dad." Like, this is unbelievable.
JOY: Yeah, what the hell? Evidence! Evidence!
LO DODDS: Yeah.
HZ: And is it plausible that Logan would have been granted immunity? And if so, why does it seem to mean that they're like, "Well, his testimony is just worth shit."
LO DODDS: Yeah, people are granted immunity all the time for being witnesses, and that goes to their credibility. Like, how likely are you to lie? How much do you believe this person because they were granted immunity? But Logan's situation is a little bit different because, I mean, OK, we're going with the pretend story that Leo left this evidence locker open and the tapes were then stolen by someone who sold them to Logan and Logan bought them out of the goodness of his heart so that no one would see... [Kingsley the dog barks in the background] Oh, sorry.
HZ: Kingsley, why would you hate justice?
LO DODDS: [While ushering Kingsley out of the room] He does hate justice. Uh, the theory's that Logan bought the tapes and therefore destroyed them. So he's got a reason for why that happened that the jury can identify with. And so it seems like it would be more likely that he'd be believable, that, you know, "I stole them to destroy them, I didn't want people to see my Lilly like that, and now I'm just going to testify about what happened on the tape."
HZ: Alright. On to some other super light-hearted matters. If Lucky had not been killed, what charges would he have faced for firing a gun into the air at school and for firing a blank at Wallace?
LO DODDS: Assault, you have to have the means, the present means to hurt someone. So right now, if I threw a knife at Jenny, she could not press charges against me for assault because there's no way...
HZ: It doesn't go through FaceTime.
LO DODDS: There's no way that knife could reach her. So Lucky shooting fake bullets doesn't have the means to actually hurt someone, but what he is doing is brandishing a weapon, and he's doing it in a school, which is a gun-free zone, and there are really stiff penalties for that. So he would have ended up in prison for like five to seven years for that.
HZ: Gosh, right.
JOY: Wow.
HZ: Are the Marses breaking any laws by reading Lucky's emails?
LO DODDS: Yes. Yes, they are. They're committing misdemeanour hacking.
HZ: Hmm. That's just everyday.
LO DODDS: "Yeah, of course I checked his password." But, I mean, you would do that if you're Keith. You're not going to be able to turn that off, probably; but once you use it to get into somebody's computer, yeah, it's a fine.
HZ: Would it mean that they couldn't get Woody arrested because the evidence would be inadmissible?
LO DODDS: Not necessarily, because Lucky dies, right? He had been stalking Gia, though. So Gia and Veronica would both be able to provide evidence. They investigated this, they discovered that Lucky was taking videos of Gia. This whole situation in his office at the school that happened, he said her name while he's shooting things into the air. So the police probably would have gotten a warrant to search Lucky's stuff. So they would have searched Lucky's house, they would have searched Lucky's computer, and they would have found the emails, and, yes, Keith and Veronica could have gone to Lamb and said, "Hey, you should probably include the computer in that search warrant," but they probably should have done that anyway. And they would have seen evidence of his threats against Woody, and that would be admissible even if somebody else obtained it by an illegal source. If the police legally obtain it, they can still use it.
HZ: Woody's fucked off on his private plane. Don't private planes need flight plans, or at least to tell someone where they're taking off and landing?
LO DODDS: Yeah. There's a dispute about this, because some people argue that there are certain things that should stay private for security reasons. People that are flying, you know, CEOs going to meet with another super CEOs and that, you know, we should be able to keep that private so people don't know about that. And there are those flight logs that can be kept private for those reasons, but sometimes people find them out because there's a Freedom of Information Act and the sky belongs to all of us and your tax dollars go to pay for the Federal Aviation Administration.
HZ: So Terrence is off the hook for the bus crash. Wouldn't he still be facing charges for breaking into Ms Dumas's parents' house?
LO DODDS: Yeah, if they pressed charges. But he probably just pled, because that would have been a - you know, he'd already been in custody for so long...
JOY: Pretty clear, yeah.
LO DODDS: He could have pled that down, that's community service.
JOY: Terrence Cook is in a pickle. He's in a bad situation, per Leonard Lobo. Lo, you've taught us a lot over the last two seasons, and I've forgotten most of it...
LO DODDS: Me too.
JOY: ...so forgive me if I'm asking something I should already know the answer to, but what would happen to Lobo if Terrence didn't go along with his proposition? Could Lobo go back to the police and say, "Actually, oops, I made a mistake and I can't actually alibi Terrence?" And if he does that, does Terrence then immediately get recharged?
LO DODDS: We can tell from the situation here that this judge seems a little corrupt. The way that this scene is happening makes it sound like the judge is kind of going to put pressure on Lamb, and potentially the prosecutor, not to bring charges against Terrence because there's a solid alibi there and what have you. So, yeah, we talked about with... Who was the other witness that was just... Oh, the doctor, what's-his-face, the Doctor Feelgood with the cocaine.
HZ: Tom.
LO DODDS: Once you have a witness, yeah, that is compromised in the sense of, "I said something and then I took it back," they are now a shit witness.
HZ: A shitness.
LO DODDS: A shitness. So if you try to put them in the trial, that's going to come up and that's going to make it harder to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Terrence committed the murders, if his alibi comes and goes based on who he owes money to. Because that's going to come out, too, and he really has nothing to lose now because all the stuff about him fixing a game has already come out.
JOY: Yeah. Why is he going along with this trash?
LO DODDS: I think it's like more of a broken kneecap situation. He still owes this guy tons and tons of money, and so I think it's more of a threatening situation. "Fine, you've got me out of this jam, you'd have issues with retracting your testimony, but really it's more like I'm going to end up in a ditch somewhere." But yeah, but it seems very shady. You can tell the way Lamb reacts that this is not on the up and up. So I assume the judge is a gambler.
JOY: Yes, well, Lamb, notorious for upholding the law to its very letter, of course.
LO DODDS: It's also not Lamb; it would have to be the prosecutor, like they'd have to pull in the prosecutor and be like, "You're not going to take this case, you're not going to file charges against this guy."
HZ: Lo, is it irresponsible for TV shows to depict the law in such an inaccurate way?
LO DODDS: I don't know. Do you think it hinders people entering the practice of law, or makes them really disappointed when they get to the actual practice of law, and realise that it is not like this at all, and there, you know, aren't these great smoking gun moments?
HZ: Well, you tell us.
LO DODDS: Yeah, I don't, that's, yeah... That's how I feel, like I just wanna go to trial, it's just like a show that everyone knows what's going to happen. But there are movies and TV shows that depict it very accurately, which is why a lot of lawyers love them so much, like Legally Blonde and My Cousin Vinny, where they actually do the right things and everybody loves them for doing the right things.
HZ: Cracking, cracking films.
LO DODDS: Yes. Yes.
HZ: Any other crimey stuff happening this episode?
LO DODDS: Crimey, crimey stuff... I thought it was a crime that Veronica was not allowed to take that test later, considering she was testifying in her best friend's murder, and all of those kids had just been subjected to Lucky shooting at them.
JOY: Right? You're not gonna bump finals back for that?
LO DODDS: You know, general anxiety disorder, you just skip a class, but everyone's just been shot at and we're gonna still make you take finals.
HZ: Any other bullshit?
LO DODDS: Not that I can think of. I'm just angry.
JOY: The defence rests, your honour.
LO DODDS: Thank god.
HZ: Can't rest. Too annoyed to rest.
HZ: Wow. That was one of the heaviest episodes of Veronica Mars for me. I think maybe the heaviest since episode 21 of season one for me. I almost couldn't stand it.
JOY: Yeah, it's really brutal. It just kept getting worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse.
HZ: Also, even the legal stuff seemed like they were taking a lot of liberties, the trauma felt real, of Logan and Veronica, and of Woody's victims.
JOY: Yeah. This might be the most trauma in a single episode so far.
HZ: And that's saying something, given what this show's like.
JOY: I know.
HZ: Were there any lines that lighten the mood for you?
JOY: Oh, my gosh. My favourite line coming out of my favourite mouth was when Weevil said, "Do I look like someone who knows quadratic equations?" with a tone of voice that indicated that if you dare think that he looks like someone who knows quadratic equations, prepare yourself for the thunderous vengeance of Weevil to be visited upon me.
HZ: But I guess he does know them now, because he got a B.
JOY: Yay! What about you? What took the edge off for Helen?
HZ: I thought it was funny, and also truthful, when Veronica says, "You never log in with a Mars nearby."
JOY: Seriously.
HZ: And how do you score this episode overall, Jenny?
JOY: Well, it was very upsetting to watch, but also moved things along at such a rapid clip, and we got to see so much from so many. I really felt it.
HZ: Yeah.
JOY: I would go so far as to give it 4.6 Chia Pets in the shape of Weevil's head.
HZ: Wow. But with no beard action?
JOY: No beard, just hair on the top if you want.
HZ: It's just eyelashes. It's just chia eyelashes.
JOY: Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. And thee?
HZ: The end of season one, the last two episodes of that were very powerful, and I think it's the same this season. It felt very urgent. It was very stressful to watch. But I'll deduct some points because of the appalling miscarriages of justice. But I will give this episode 4.4 Logan's courtroom outfits.
JOY: Nice. Very nice. If you stick the Weevil Chia Pet inside the neck of Logan's court outfit, I mean, we might be onto something, Helen.
HZ: Onto something very green, that's for sure. Green and brown.
JOY: Yes. Well, good gravy. That's this episode of Veronica Mars investigated.
HZ: Case closed.
