VMI 2.07 Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner transcript
Content note:
Veronica Mars contains heavy themes,
and this episode contains storylines concerning child abuse and murder.
A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
We have a new Duncan: Detective Duncan! Meg had written about a kid she babysat being psychologically abused, and he and Veronica set out to find who it is.
Veronica takes on all of Meg’s babysitting gigs, and let’s just say the toxic masculinity of Neptune is flourishing in the under-10s.
She also befriends Gia Goodman, which entails going to the sleepover of nightmares - if your nightmares include seeing a child punished, having your boobs mocked, and enduring some extremely basic-bore chat about pizza.
In all that free time Veronica has left over, she investigates the plastic surgeon who claims he witnessed Logan murdering Felix.
And the Casablancases deal with the repercussions of Richard’s scams and escape: the boys get trust funds and Kendall gets nothing, and things aren’t looking good with her backup career of Logan. But what about her backup backup Duncan?
JOY: On the boat by myself if you ever want to come by, smoke a J and fool around, I’m Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: Putting a trench coat over my pyjamas and coming to pick you up, I’m Helen Zaltzman.
You’re listening to Veronica Mars Investigations Season 2 Episode 7: Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Helen?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Isn't that another weird weird reference for the title of this show? Because this Dirty Dancing line is an adult man telling the family of his adult woman lover to treat her as an adult woman, not a baby; but they're applying it to a plot about the psychological abuse of children.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: How.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Is it just word association? This show loves word association.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Stream of consciousness titling.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: If anything, reason would just be a disadvantage.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah, that would just slow you down. Get in the way. Before we get into talking about today's episode, Helen and I have a very exciting announcement. I am beside myself. So beside myself, there's two of me and we're standing right next to each other. You all remember when we watched and livetweeted Pride and Prejudice, the BBC miniseries.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Best day of my fucking life, Jenny.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: And mine! OK, we're going to be doing this again with a piece of media, a film that is maybe at the opposite end of the spectrum. Helen's never seen it. I have watched it about 8000 times, but I haven't seen in a while, so hopefully it's aged well. We're going to be watching Elvira: Mistress of the Dark.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I'm very excited for my induction into this piece of entertainment.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Helen, I fucking cannot wait! I can't wait. We're going to be watching together on May 30th, that's a Saturday, at noon Pacific, 3:00 p.m. Eastern, 8:00 p.m. in the UK.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Shit o'clock in Australia. Sorry.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Sorry, Australia.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Again.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: It's streaming on Hulu in the US. It's also available on YouTube. It is a campy horror romp starring Elvira, who, if you're not familiar, is the mistress of the dark. She's sort of like goth Dolly Parton.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Perfect.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I love her so much, and I'm so excited to force Helen to watch this movie.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I'm excited to be forced, for the only time in my life. And please do join us over on our Twitter, which is @VMIpod. I love to livetweet stuff and I'm excited for your excitement.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yes! And wow, I am so excited to hear your impressions about this icon from my childhood, and I'm sure we'll be coming up with some zippy hashtag that everybody else can use so you can tweet along with us as you're watching, too. Hooray!
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Something to look forward to.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yes.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: And also, it was very nice to hang out with a bunch of you when we did Pride and Prejudice.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Oh, yeah. Yeah!
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Join us again. Are there cravats in this Jenny? You seemed very excited by the cravats in Pride and Prejudice.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: You know what? There might be, because there's one ancient dude who might still be rocking cravats, or at least like an ascot.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: What's the difference between a cravat and an ascot?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: You know, I'm not really the person to ask.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I feel like you are.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: For some reason, ascots seem like more modern?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Mm hmm.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: But maybe they're just the same fucking thing.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: On to this episode of Veronica Mars, and an incredible new Duncan: Detective Duncan!
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: He's got a trenchcoat. He's got a fedora. He's got a magnifying glass.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Well, he's got a polo neck.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: He's got a bottle of scotch in the second drawer on the left.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: He's got a murphy bed. He's got a couple of ex-wives down in Reno.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I regret to inform you, Helen, that the first thing that happens is Duncan is trying to make out with Veronica, but she won't stop doing lines along with The Big Lebowski.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: She's got to do the cool girl thing, you know?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah.
VERONICA: “Dudeness. Or, uh, Duder, or, uh, you know, El Duderino, if you're not into the whole brevity thing.”
DUNCAN: Veronica. You need to stop being the Dude.
VERONICA: Stoner bowler doesn't do it for you?
DUNCAN: ...A little.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Logan arrives, and it is awkward, isn't it, when your best friend and your girlfriend's ex turns up to be the third wheel because he lives in your hotel suite now.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah, the only thing that I could think of that would make this a little more awkward is if the stepmother of your other friend, who your friend has been sleeping with, would also show up at your teens-only hotel suite.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I do admire, though, that Kendall immediately knows who Veronica is, thanks to season 2 episode 3.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah, great memory.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: And even though it's been a couple of months.
KENDALL: iPod girl. With the waxy-eared boyfriend. Small world.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: And so when she and Logan go off to bang, Veronica is no longer in the mood to quote The Big Lebowski or neck with Duncan. And she's like, "Aren't you bothered by this?" And Duncan's like, "I'm not bothered because I'm a guy."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Ah, yes. What cares have guys when it comes to other guys doing sex stuff. And she is also, they say, “like 25,” which is a whole lot closer to their ages than their parents. One thing they have in this scene that I appreciate about Logan is that he makes his little endurance joke. A reminder that Logan is like -
HELEN ZALTZMAN: A sexperson?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Not that I enjoy the bragging of teen boys so much, but I definitely prefer a teen boy who's like, "I'm really good at being a sexual partner," rather than like, "I'm great at conquering women, look at my trail of conquest." As far as teen male bragging goes, I appreciate his angle.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I think for him the brag would be to have done a good job for the other person. Right?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Right, right. Which is nice, because you're thinking about the other person.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Well, in a way. I think it sort of still rebounds to him.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: True.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: But it's a way of him feeling like someone cares that he's there, given his family situation.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Oh, Logan.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: But although this is displeasing to Duncan, his stress levels amp up shortly after. At school he grabs Veronica, because he's found, in Meg's computer that they rescued the other episode, that she had been emailing child protection services about a kid she babysits who's being psychologically abused. And she didn't name the kid, but Duncan's like, "We have to find him." And Veronica silently agrees.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: And then we get the credits. At eight and a half minutes.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: After the credits, Veronica studies the email printouts while Duncan paces and rants, and we learn that the kid in question is aged seven to ten, and one of the punishments is to write lines in a book, including, "I was bad, I deserve to be punished," and Meg may have stolen such a book. So they're going to break into her house on Sunday night while the Manning parents are out with a church group.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Hooray.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: And I was like, why make it so hard? Why not ask Lizzie Manning? But she's not in this episode at all.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah, for budgetary reasons, they couldn't ask Lizzie Manning.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Maybe she was sent to Catholic boarding school or something.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Based on the pearls we last saw her in that seems like the most likely option.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: So this is what's gonna keep Veronica busy this episode, going through the list of Meg's babysitting clients, which Duncan seems to know, and it includes the Goodmans, just FYI - remember them, from episode one?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yes, of course. And I love how Duncan is like listing all these clients, and Veronica looks shocked, like Veronica isn't the busiest person in Neptune; and then Duncan helpfully explains to Veronica what having a job is. And doing work is all about. Thanks, Duncan.
DUNCAN: She babysat a lot. I think they call it a part-time job. It's when you do this thing called work, and strangers pay you instead of the Allowance Fairy.
VERONICA: Ah, the Allowance Fairy. Elusive in Neptune outside the 09er zip.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I thought maybe this was a glimmer of Socialist Duncan mocking his own privilege, because of course, he doesn't have to have jobs.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Right.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Also, Meg has been out of action for a while - what, a couple of months? So wouldn't the babysitting gigs have been filled by now?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Snapped up by the competition?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Keith strolls in and asked if Duncan's working for Veronica now, because he's seen this before.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Right. In lieu of Wallace, has Duncan been roped in to go to Favourtown?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Yeah, except really it's Veronica doing a lot of favours for Duncan that are extremely time-consuming, because it's her who's having to take all these diabolical babysitting gigs. And her first port of call is the teacher, Ms Hauser, who straight away, you know, is a super fun time, because she says:
MS HAUSER: STDs will kill you.
JANE: <sneezes>
MS HAUSER: Sexually transmitted diseases are no joke, Jane.
JANE: I wasn't laughing, I sneezed.
MS HAUSER: See how much you're sneezing when you have gonorrhoea.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: She kicks out Jane, who we met in episode 2 of this season, when she was on crutches and hadn't dinged Jackie's car. She kicks her out for sneezing.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Rude.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Which suggests that Ms Hauser is perhaps a little too wound up by minor things. There's also a skeleton by the door and there's a poster for milk. The slogan is, "Good shaken or stirred."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Ew, no! What? Shaken?!
HELEN ZALTZMAN: They've put that in for you, Jenny. Easter egg for Jenny Owen Youngs. A poisoned egg.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Boooo. A poisoned, milky egg.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I also love that on her nameplate on her desk they've stuck Ms over Mrs.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Oh my god, that's the best part. As we learn, Ms Hauser's husband maybe left her for a gentleman, which, so stoked for Mr Whatever-His-Last-Name-Is. Is it also Hauser? Has she just gone from Mrs to Ms? So I hope he's living his best life somewhere. But she's busy reading You're 40 and He's Gone: Life After Divorce.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: It's not a real book, unfortunately, but if it was I like that they made it sound deliberately punitive.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah. Like, "What did you do?"
HELEN ZALTZMAN: So the exercise they have to do in this class is to pair up and tell each other that they have an STD, which seems like a weird thing to get schoolkids to do, even though it is important to be open about your sexual health with potential partners.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yes, but I love that Veronica and Gia pair up for this exercise, although they don't actually really do the assignment.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Well, Veronica is trying to befriend Gia for the babysitting purposes, and Gia is open to it.
GIA: Mrs Hauser, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?
MS HAUSER: No, Gia. Chlamydia is not a flower.
GIA: Well we have it on like a trellis at our beach house.
VERONICA: Your trellis is a whore.
GIA: You're very funny, Veronica. Really, you should know that about yourself.
VERONICA: Thank you, Gia.
GIA: I used to be funny at my old school. People here don't get me.
VERONICA: I think your wit totally translates.
GIA: You think? I don't know, I used to have like a zillion girlfriends at my other school. Here, all I meet are guys.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Gia, run, you're too good for him.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Veronica manages to turn this class exercise into an invitation to Gia's for a sleepover, so it's been very productive for her. Then the bell rings, and it really pisses me off on a TV show when the teacher is like, "Class, I have arranged this elaborate exercise and it will be one minute long, because that's when the class ends."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: This is right up there with every single microphone in television and film history feeding back when somebody goes up to it, in terms of how annoying this is. This is utter trash, that's all.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Well, maybe lessons there are only three minutes long? But as everyone files out, Veronica goes up to Mrs Hauser - sorry, Ms Hauser, and offers the babysitting services and is briskly rebuffed. Oh, Ms Hauser is played by Kari Coleman, who was in... Switched At Birth!
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: You're fucking kidding me.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Like all of these single-episode actors of Veronica Mars. It's amazing.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: It's so bonkers.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: And onto her next mark, Jessica Fuller, whom you remember from the argyle and pearls mother and daughter combo from season 1 episode 17, about the Kane scholarship, when her daughter was being sabotaged and she presided over the Mr Rooks hearing. Remember that Jessica?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Oh my gosh.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: In episode 17 of season 1 there was a pram conspicuously in their home, but the kid that Veronica's babysitting is like ten years old. So is there a baby that no one cares about, or does he just ride around in a pram a lot? And she has to endure a lot of shit chat this episode. Jessica is showing off a lot of framed certificates - eurghghhh - and her husband is playing ball with Edwin, wearing a tie.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Dude, what kinda one percent bullshit??
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Edwin is dressed as Mr Pope. He's got khakis and a sleeveless argyle sweater on. It's weird because Jessica says, "Oh, we had to let Meg go because that boyfriend of hers," and I would have thought parents love Boyfriend Duncan, because he's so polite and he seems very well-behaved, and also because his parents have such big standing in town. Don't you think?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah. You would think, but also they seem very serious about their child, and thus I would assume very serious about childcare.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Oh, maybe they mean that awful boyfriend she had before Duncan, the guy without a name.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Oh, yes.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: That real shit.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Maybe that guy. Did you notice that when Edwin is colouring, someone who I assume is named Josh on the props team has greeked the crayons to be "Joshola" brand instead of Crayola?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: That's pretty cute.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I like it. Oh my god - is the kid who plays Edwin actually named Josh, did they do it for this child? I have to find out. Why didn't I think of this sooner.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Edwinnn.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Wow. Did you just say that in Abel Koontz' voice?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: No, that would be "Urrhhhrhh, Eddwinn..."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Hah!
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Logan Fields. So I guess they couldn't call them ‘Loganolas’ because that would seem like it was for the character. The assistant property master, uncredited, is called Joshua Cheek.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Nice.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: And he's uncredited, so he might as well get his kicks from somewhere.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Get it in there.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Right. Edwin's reading Moby-Dick until the scheduled time of 7pm, and there's a bit of tension between Duncan and Veronica this episode. He calls up and he's like, "I find it a bit weird to picture you babysitting," and Veronica's like, "Oh, because it was Meg's thing, and you used to do it with your girlfriend Meg?"
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: And doesn't Duncan kind of seem like maybe he doesn’y know what she's talking about? That's the way it kind of like struck me, that like maybe he was not the boyfriend hanging around while she was babysitting.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Guy with no name.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Oh no.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Veronica's forgotten about the guy with no name. The Fullers come back early and Mr Fuller sees Veronica out, give her cash, and then says this weird thing:
STUART: Thanks a lot, Veronica, we'll definitely call you again.
VERONICA: That'd be great.
STUART: We have a standing dinner date with friends on Fridays. Saturdays, of course, I'm on the boat by myself if you ever want to come by, smoke a J and fool around. We usually do a day trip about once a month with my boss, if you don't mind working on a Sunday.
VERONICA: Um...
STUART: Oh, I almost forgot. Edwin drew this for you.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Oh, my God. Why?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Just casually propositions her, mid-sentence! Disgusting. And then he gives her the thing that Edwin is colouring in, which is a very neat, very vividly coloured drawing of Veronica with her head cut off.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Why the fuck? On every level.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: She's having just an unremittingly boring and awful time this episode.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: This is bad.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I admire her stamina, honestly.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah. Bless her. Hang in there, Veronica. When you want Ms Hauser to give you a frickin' babysitting job, and she won't bite, you know what you gotta do? Take a little shirtless picture of a photoshopped Lamb with a fake hunk body, stick it in her little teacher's mailbox while you're carrying around some babysitting flyers.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Yes, because it's the police fundraising bachelor auction - and disappointingly, we don't see this.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Bummer. Enormous bummer.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: It's so annoying because I thought they were teeing it up all episode, that we would get to see it in the third act.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: We're not that lucky, Helen.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Nothing!? But Ms Hauser immediately is slightly warmed up by this flyer.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Warmed up is one word.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Her engine, it is revved.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yes.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I also did think, depending on her custody agreement, could she get the child's father to step in for the night?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: That would have been nice, but it doesn't serve the plot, Helen.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I just thought what an incredibly time-consuming plan for Veronica, to have to get in with all of Meg's babysitting clients and wait for them to have a day when they needed her to babysit. Oh, then it gets worse. She's having such a terrible time. I'll forgive her now for the Big Lebowski shit at the beginning, because everything else that she has to do this episode sucks so much.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Ugh. Ms Hauser brings her silent, impassive-faced son Albert to the Mars home for the babysitting, and she's bossing Veronica around about his food and not watching TV. There's a lot of helicopter parents in this town. So then, when she leaves to get her police company on...
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Ugh. Nightmare.
VERONICA: Okay. Well, what do you feel like doing? I've got some games -
ALBERT: I want ice cream.
VERONICA: Oh, your mom just said -
ALBERT: I want ice cream!
VERONICA: I got that, however -
ALBERT: [screams]
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: So Veronica hypnotizes him with television, gets Duncan to bring over ice cream, and then this kid is knocked the fuck out when Ms Hauser comes back all juiced up with her fucking date that she bought with Deputy Sacks.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Ring a ding ding!
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Ring a ding ding indeed. Also, right at the top of this scene, we get to see Backup for one second. He's panting on the ground. When the doorbell rings, Veronica goes to the door and she's like, "What, is it your day off, no bark?" Nice.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: OK, two nice things happen to Veronica. Backup bants. She does manage to get a handwriting sample from Albert's bag while he's all hopped up on TV and ice cream, so I guess it worked. But having ingratiated herself with these parents, are they going to be calling for repeat custom? And if it's her teacher, is she going to get a bad grade if she refuses to babysit Albert again?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Be careful, Veronica. You're planting too many seeds.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: So then the Goodman house. Veronica turns up for the sleepover with her Ninja Turtles sleeping bag.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Hell fucking yeah. I gotta know. Helen, I gotta know. I need. to. know. Were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as popular in England as they were in the United States?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Yeah, they were huge.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yes. Love to hear it.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: But I was not allowed to participate. We weren't really allowed branded stuff in my childhood.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: OK, that's very progressive and responsible.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I don't know, I think it was just cheaper.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: But if you had to choose a favourite Ninja Turtle...
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I don't know what their different personalities are, Jenny.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: OK, let me just run it down for you really quick.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Which one's the Logan and which one's the Duncan?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Right. Exactly. Well, Duncan is sort of the Leonardo. Michelangelo is like Dick. He's like, "Wazzup?" And then Raphael is like Logan because he has a lot of anger issues. And then Donatello, do we have like a recurring super smart person on this show? I guess Mac would be the closest? Mac is Donatello. Cool. Nailed it. And then Keith is like Splinter. And then Mr Echolls is like Shredder. And then all the one episode 09ers are the foot soldiers, the Foot Clan. Cool. Thanks for listening.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Are all shows truly the same?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: All shows are one show.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: It's the same characters, but different shells. There's not only multiple Duncans in this show, but multiple dimensions of Duncans.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: 100 percent. Duncan is like when you stand in like a hotel bathroom that has mirrors on both sides of the wall and they reflect back forever, there's just a million Duncans. Infinity Duncan.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: When I was eight, I went to visit my grandmother in South Africa for the only time I can remember, and her bathroom had the infinity memories and I was wowed. I was absolutely wowed, Jenny.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: That was your first infini-mirror experience?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: First and most important. Why would you even need it? I don't know.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah. Who knows what its purpose is?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Maybe she was fond of the back of her head. She's dead now, I can't ask. It's important to ask grandparents these questions while you still can.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yes!
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Have you thought about the back of your own head? A friend of mine knows when she needs to break up with a partner, when she can no longer stand the sight of the back of their head.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yow. Deep, dark, Helen. That's a deep, dark cut. I think it kind of is, OK.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: So back to the Goodman house: it's a shoes-off house and they've got a cupboard where they keep the shoes and it's all labelled, so Veronica gets to put her shoes in the guest section.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: So very intense.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: There's also a grand piano by the door.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Weirdly-placed grand piano.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Very weird.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: That's not where you put a grand piano.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Veronica hears girlish laughter.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: After clocking the zillions of pairs of shoes in the guest section of the shoe rack.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Surprise!!!
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Zoom in. Dolly out. No! Nightmare! There's a million girls, they're all 09er-y, they're watching a Rihanna music video, they're all dancing; two of them - this is some real fucking shit, Helen - two of them are doing the, "I'm a girl standing up, you're a girl sitting down, I'm braiding your hair," and they're both dancing to the Rihanna song at the same time.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Ultimate sleepover move.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Helen, this is the stuff of pornography opening scenes.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: There's no pillow fight.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Not yet. Got to work up to that, Helen.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: The girl having her hair braided is Madison Sinclair.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Madison Sinclair is definitely there and she sucks.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: They all suck, really. But none of the others are allowed on-camera lines or names.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Hooray!
HELEN ZALTZMAN: They are just rent-a-girls and they're all dancing to ‘Pon De Replay’, and what I thought was weird was that there were some clear shots of the actual video, so I'm assuming there was some deal with Rihanna's label.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Right. Damn, that was early days for Rihanna, god damn.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Have you ever been to such a girls' night, Jenny, where you dance and braid each other's hair?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Oh, Helen. Gosh, no. I mean, I've had the distinction in my friend groups. I was voted most likely to get my hair braided by straight girls at sleepovers, for sure. But it was never like this.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Oh, was that your yearbook caption?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yes, absolutely. That was the superlative I went with.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I admire how little effort Veronica is making at this point of her incredibly busy week to even act like this is an experience she's gonna participate in. But some useful evidence comes to light in this appalling sleepover. While she's in the kitchen with Gia doing something with snacks and bowls, Gia introduces her little brother, Rodney, who's not there to chat. He's doing some thank you cards, but then he knocks over some water and he's like, "Oh, no!" And he's scrubbing the rug, even though it's just water.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I hate this.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Madison and one of the unnamed girls are comparing butts.
MADISON: Oh my God, you are crazy. Her butt is so much smaller than mine.
NAMELESS GIRL: Hers is just higher.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Just shove this off the edge of a cliff so that we may never encounter it again. This whole situation.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: While they're absorbed in that important butt-comparison work, Veronica gets to witness Woody coming in and telling Rodney, "I'm going to have to tell your mother about this, you know the rules... Oh! Veronica, hi! I don't want to interrupt your party. I'll just take Rodney off."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: What is this?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: “...To the home-jail.”
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I hate it.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: The stuff Veronica does for a case, I know that she's been in some heady situations before, but this episode truly seems beyond endurance.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Way above her pay grade.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I tend rarely to be bored, but if there's bad chat happening and I can't escape from it, then I really start sinking into myself.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Good thing they're only talking about how many carbs there are in pizza, which I know is your favourite topic.
GIA: Veronica, do you know how to do dreadlocks? Don't you just love pizza? I ate a whole pie once; it kinda hurt.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: But this party is so painfully basic and I was thinking Lilly Kane would never.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: No, no, no.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Then Mother Goodman comes home and she's got a strange costume. She's wearing a white shirt and wide white pants, almost like a hospital orderly, but over that she's wearing like a glittery metallic Tshirt.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: It's very strange.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Veronica spies on her putting her shoes away, as is the rule of the Goodman house. And then her and Woody and Rodney silently go off in a very slow and ceremonial way.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: This does not look good. Helen, I don't know what the fuck.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: But then the party moves out by the pool. Veronica is not in a swimsuit, resolutely. This is real escalation from Madison:
MADISON: Pretty Woman is still my favourite movie. Vivian is like my hero.
VERONICA: She's a hooker.
GIA: Only because she had to be!
VERONICA: She's a hooker!
MADISON: You should put a tattoo right here [pointing at Veronica’s boob] so people will have something to look at.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: What if Veronica got a tattoo of a dog in a hat? Popular chest tattoo in Neptune.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Madison has an arm band tattoo that is really unfortunate, so hopefully we can all just take that tattoo advice she is handing out with a grain of salt.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I haven't seen the film Pretty Woman probably since the early- or mid-1990s. It wasn't a fave of mine. I imagine now I would be thinking too much about the power dynamic in that relationship, say. Or attitudes towards sex workers in the film.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Sure.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: It seems like in a very short conversation about Pretty Woman they all manage to exhibit quite problematic attitudes towards it. So Veronica decides to stir instead, and ask Gia how things are going with Dick - Madison's Dick, oh shit! But then right on cue, the Casablancas brothers turn up, lurching around drunk.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: For the panty raid. “Here for the panty raid, I'm Jenny Owen Youngs.”
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Is that a thing Americans do say, Jenny?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: ‘Panty raid’? Oh yeah. That's when, if I'm not mistaken, a group of gentlemen will, I think, go to a place and raid it for panties. I don't know if the idea is to get the panties, like if the idea is to get women, to convince them to give you panties off of their person? Or if you slink into one of their rooms and steal their frilly underthings? Unknown.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: And I love that Veronica, at the mention of panty raids and spin the bottle, she is like, "Fuck this, I'm going home to my waterbed and my hairy green cushion."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah, she hit her limit.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Is this the same night that Duncan gets all dressed up in a black polo neck to go a-raiding the Manning house?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: She's a busy lady. What's up with his Mission: Impossible fucking turtleneck dealio?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Or breaking into a vault in a Bond movie, per Veronica, or going to a poetry reading, per Logan.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Or givin the latest update about a forthcoming Apple product?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Oh, yeah. Did you have Milk Tray in America?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Milk... Tray…?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: It was an affordable chocolate selection, and there was a long ad campaign about the Milk Tray Man who was dressed like Duncan and he would break into your house to leave you a box of Milk Tray.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Wow.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Yeah.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: What? So sort of like Turtleneck Santa? But just for one type of chocolate?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Yes, Sexy Turtleneck Santa.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Oh, sexy. OK.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I think by the mythology of the ad he was sexy. Dudes in turtlenecks climbing through windows: depends whether that does it for you or not.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Well, that's what Duncan's up to.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Hopefully Duncan will leave the Mannings a house gift. He's a very polite boy. Veronica and Duncan, in the dark, scuttle up to the Manning house. Duncan retrieves the key from under the flowerpot. The house is dark inside. They go up to Meg's room. Her bed seems so short! It's like three feet long.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: The Logan-Lilly trade secret of hiding shit in the vents, staying strong.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: If you're over 30, do you just not think to ever look in the vent lest a child has hidden something in it? Do you just forget? Because otherwise wouldn't every parent just be, "Well, pretty sure this will be it."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I think by the time you're a parent, you've already filled up and deleted so much of the RAM in your brain so many times that you no longer think about needing to hide something when you were 16.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Good point. Also that would explain why Meg has the word Diva hanging on her wall. It's like an ornament in the shape of the word ‘Diva’, even though her parents seem like the kind of people that would frown on that exuberancea and expression of female power. This book that Meg's hiding in the air vent is a bit fucking bleak. It's filled with the words "The path to God is paved with righteousness."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I fucking hate when I find a book like this, filled with that sentence written over and over again. Oh, it sucks.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: While Veronica is staring aghast at this and also comparing the handwriting samples from the kids she babysat, Duncan spies an envelope in the vent and pockets it without Veronica knowing. Stealth Duncan on a little sub-mission.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: And then Veronica detects - ah yes, classic - gender in the handwriting.
VERONICA: This isn't a little boy's writing.
DUNCAN: It has to be. Meg said -
VERONICA: What if she was covering?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I interviewed a graphologist once, and his opinion was you could not tell gender from handwriting.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: She spots a photo of the three Manning sisters and realises Meg was covering for her little sister Grace, whom we saw at the hospital. They go into her room and in the closet there are more books filled with lines like that, and there's thumping noises.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Oh my god, there's so many of them.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Why would you keep these books? Or is it just so that your child sees the books and remembers the misery all over again?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yes, definitely that. Definitely that.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I haven't thought my punishments through.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: So Veronica's ticka-ticking against the back wall of the closet, thinking to herself surely there must be a secret compartment - and there is! She pops it open and there's Grace.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: How do people have these features in the houses?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: This has to be a custom build by Mr Manning, surely, or by somebody who owned the house first, who was also a creep.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Maybe they put them in where they're like, "You could instill a panic room here," and they're like, "Ohhh."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Ah, yes. “Don't bother showing me a house that doesn't have a place I could put a panic room, real estate agent.”
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I like a room for every emotion.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah!
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Grace is sat there in a nightie looking scared, big rings under her eyes, and she shouts at Veronica, which seems odd. I would feel like she would speak very quietly if she's scared of her parents and doesn't know where they are. And have her parents also just gone out to church group and they're like, "It's alright, we'll just put the kid away"?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah. What is this, this sucks, this sucks a lot.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Veronica starts to phone, but she's interrupted by Mr Manning with a baseball bat, holding it by the middle, so presumably he's just going to twirl it like a baton into her and Duncan.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: He calls the fucking sheriff's office.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Lamb struts in looking very arrogant, but then this chilling dialogue happens. I really had goosebumps in this bit.
MR MANNING: I came home from church and found them in my daughter's room, rifling through her things.
VERONICA: We were trying to help Grace!
MR MANNING: Shut up.
VERONICA: They've been abusing her. They had her locked in the closet!
MR MANNING: Shut your evil little mouth.
VERONICA: Go! Go look!
MR MANNING: Nobody believes a word you say, you filthy lying whore!
VERONICA: Look in the closet, look at the books they make her write!
LAMB: Hey, enough, okay? Stop it! Up. Get up.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Lamb is doing his usual swaggering stuff and he cuffs Veronica then Duncan, and Veronica whispers to him, "There's a room behind the closet," but Lamb marches them out and very conspicuously does the head-push into the car, presumably so the Mannings can see it.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Right.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Then he goes back in, and Mr Manning is wankling on as Lamb goes straight to the closet.
MR MANNING: What are you doing? You can't do that. I'm the victim here! You have no right to just come into my house and start poking around.
LAMB: It's funny. I heard my father give that exact speech once.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: And, oh my fucking god, did this show just make me on Lamb's side?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Perhaps, just for a moment. We get this window. It's a very foggy window.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Sheriff Lamb is the MVP in this. I properly gasped at the end, even though I've seen this whole thing before, more than once. When he leaves again, he sternly drives Veronica and Duncan away - but only round the corner. Then he lets them out and uncuffs them and drives off again, and just parks outside the Manning kitchen, psyching them out as they placidly wash up, having presumably already recovered from the home invasion and sheriff uncovering their imprisoned child. So I thought this was a really amazing ending to the episode.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Not as amazing as if they'd shown the bachelor auction though.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: It'd be cool if they had a post-credit scene that was Lamb and Sacks with their shirts off, with just like a little shirt collar and bow tie, Chippendale-style, and the cuffs but no shirt, just flexing.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: That would have been generous.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Hell yeah. ‘Generous’ is one word.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: The pace of this episode is funny, because suddenly they're picking up again the plotline of Richard Casablancas fucking off, leaving a big flaming turd of a financial scam behind him, having not done anything about it since episode 3 of the season, and I was feeling like it was a bit soapy to let quite a lot of time pass in terms of the rest of the plots, but like no time has passed in this plot.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: It is weird. I guess they're just not as committed to spending like an equal amount of time with everybody's plot, or like with every character in every episode.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: But it was funny because it was like, OK, we'll take the elements of that plot where you have a class with Mr Pope talking about Future Business Leaders of America, although things have progressed there, because Cassidy's doing very well. And Dick has done very badly, and he's not going to be a future businessman of America, he's just a future piss artist of America.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Is a piss artist someone who does art in the snow with their pee?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: They're not even that dynamic, Jenny. Their art is doing fuck all.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I see. Thank you.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Then we go to Casa Casablancas, where the living room is looking very formal, like there's a wake happening. But instead it's the lawyer Barry Randall reading the Casablancases the terms of Richard's financial arrangements. The house and cars are paid in full. All other assets, though, pretty fucked.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah, I guess this is something we've been wondering about, and here are some answers. The boys can't have their trust funds until they're 21 unless their mom - biological mom - signs off on them; and Big Dick put absolutely nothing in Kendall's name, so she is SOL.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: She really fucked this whole money-grubbing marriage. Maybe she truly married him for love. But if not, why?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: He's such a douche though.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I know, yeah, but some people love douches.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: That's true.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Then their mom turns up, fleetingly mentioned last episode, and she completely ignores Kendall who lets her in the house; and you can tell you're supposed to think of her as a very different kind of woman because she's got cropped blond hair and she's wearing a suit. I found it hilarious that while she's like, "Boys, I got you some sandwiches, I'm such a good mum," Kendall's just in the back, eavesdropping, while very slowly dusting a vase. She's like, "Yes, I got here so quickly," even though it's been, what, two months? At least a month? And she's like, "Mummy's here now, god, your dad was such a flashy arsehole," and Dick's like, "Yeah, shut up mum, just sign my shit."
DICK: Funds are running a little low now that Dad's MIA.
BETINA: I know, Dick. It's so like your father to think about the glory moment and forget about the day to day. Everything's got to be big and flashy - it's all million-dollar trust funds and you can't buy bread.
CASSIDY: So you'll help us?
BETINA: Well I don't know, baby; it's a lot of money, but that's all there is. I mean, if you spend it all now, there'll be nothing left for college or, god forbid, an emergency. I have to think about your future.
CASSIDY: Well maybe we could come live with you.
DICK: Dude!
BETINA: Sweetheart, you know we spend most of the year in Europe.
CASSIDY: So? I like Europe.
BETINA: Aw.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: "Most of the year."
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Even though last time she was mentioned, it was because she had a family up in San Francisco. Right? Which is it, show?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I assume that's where they are when they're not in Europe.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Then wouldn't Dick have said, "My mum's in Europe most of the time with her new family"? Maybe she didn't tell Dick where they spend time because she really didn't want to see him - and understandably.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Relatable content.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: But it just was a bit heartbreaking, I thought, for Cassidy, because he seems like the more emotional Casablancas brother, and she's like, "Yes, I'm afraid you can't come to Europe to live with me. No reason, though."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah, this lady sucks.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: But she signs the thing, presumably so she doesn't have to take responsibility for her children.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Upon which Dick takes out, you know, $50 to buy a French maid outfit to give to Kendall that she can wear while she's dusting his armoire or something.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Well, she's already dusted a vase. She did a good job.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: And that was her audition. She got the job. Helen, I need to understand something, and I assume you've already done the research: what is up with French maid uniforms? Are they truly French?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Oh, yes. Thanks for thinking this is the area of my expertise.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: But let me tell you what: if you Google "French maid's uniform" as I just have, there are a variety of women in a variety of poses just waiting to be looked at in your Google search results.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: It seems that it's from 19th century maid uniforms that used to be worn in saucy plays.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Aha!
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Where presumably people were like, "Oh, there's the maid, which means you can sexually assault her with impunity. And also she's French, which is exotic, but also she can't speak English. Ha ha ha. And she's servile."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I see.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: So I reckon that.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I regret asking Helen, you're really kind of taking the wind out of -
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I just love to ruin stuff.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Love to ruin. Yeah, this is a really gross bit of powerplay. And also what's sad is Kendall is the only parent figure that hasn't deserted the Casablancas brothers. So she's the best one.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Not that she wouldn't if she had somewhere to go.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Dick, by the way, is wearing a T-shirt that says "Going Commando".
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Oh, god, help. What a douche.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Do you think Dick is partly acting so douchily just to front like he doesn't mind that both of his biological parents have ditched him? Cassidy clearly does mind.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah, there's probably some amount of that going on.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I've enjoyed Kendall so much in this season so far, but I felt very sad for her this episode because she's a resourceful person, but she is dependent. And things are not going her way.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: So her next play is to check in with another rich guy that she sleeps with. His name is Logan, and she's laying it on pretty thick about their connection and stuff.
KENDALL: That was perfect, baby. It feels so good to be with you, I just want to be with you allll the time.
LOGAN: Bit of advice: when looking for a sugar daddy, at least pick the richest guy in the hotel suite. I'm sorry - did that hurt your feeling?
KENDALL: I can't believe you just said that to me. Doesn't this mean anything to you?
LOGAN: It does: it means I'm getting laid. And I owe your village a goat.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: This exchange between them is bad. It's bad for Logan. Logan, you look like a real ass.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: When sexperson versus sexperson happens, it's brutal.
KENDALL: You want to go back to playing grab-ass with cheerleaders that have just mastered missionary? See ya. You want things to keep going the way they've been going? I'm gonna need a few things.
LOGAN: I'm sorry - "See ya" was option A? Bessie, when the milk stops being free, I stop drinking it.
KENDALL: Then what am I supposed to do?
LOGAN: Frankly, my dear… you know the rest.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Logan does a Gone With The Wind reference.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Oh, hooray.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: But he also says he stops drinking milk, so at least someone here rejects milk at some point.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: This is the only thing I can back in this scene.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I don't think he ever at any point gave a particular impression that he was into Kendall for more than just distraction.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Right. But he doesn't have to be a piece of fucking garbage about it.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: No, but you know Logan; he loves to go the garbage route. As Kendall gets dressed and is about to leave, her eyes land on the gigantic door handles of Duncan's room. He exits the shower to see Kendall naked on his bed, offering some sexy scratching. What a bold move! It's very much cutting to the chase when you're like, "Here I am, naked. I have not psychologically prepared you."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: "Ready to scratch and be scratched."
HELEN ZALTZMAN: "No flirting today: I am nude and ready to scratch."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: We don't know exactly how much time has passed between this moment and the moment that Logan sees Kendall leaving Duncan's room.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: The time of this episode, it takes months and minutes. Logan's got into the channel-hopping and chip-eating by the time Kendall leaves Duncan's room fully clothed.
LOGAN: You ever think about just getting a job?
KENDALL: This is my job.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: It's so sad. She would be so good at the right job, as I've said before. But later, when Duncan's getting ready to leave in his polo neck, Logan makes some subtle inquiries about whether Duncan and Kendall got it on.
LOGAN: Kendall wasn't bugging you yesterday, was she?
DUNCAN: No.
LOGAN: Good. Good. Because when I saw she was in your room for a little while, I got nervous. You know, I know how she likes to talk a guy's ear off.
DUNCAN: She was just asking for my help with something.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Duncan is good at lying.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah, a little too good. Little too smooth.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Because he's such a guileless-seeming character. And is he lying to protect Logan's feelings, or protect Kendall's dignity? Or because Veronica's present and he doesn't want to have to explain stuff to her? Place your bets.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: So many questions.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Answer me, Jenny! That part of the episode is left inconclusive for Kendall. She's really slid down the power rankings.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah. Logan's got a job for Veronica, and you know because he visits the toilet office.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Toilet office!
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: The sweet, familiar toilet office.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Kendall is really very secondary to Logan's concerns this episode because, of course, he is accused of murder. Logan needs Veronica to find out why the witness is setting him up. And even though she's so busy this episode -
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: She just can't resist. She can't say no.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I mean, when you're in the toilet office with someone who has thoughtfully printed out an Out Of Order sign, and waited there just in case you come in. Which seems like a bold plan.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: She just hangs that up during her office hours, which are twice a day, every day. So when she is babysitting at the Fullers, Logan pops by to check in on this background check she's doing on the the guy who says he called in from the bridge. Logan sees a picture of this guy and he's like, "That's not the guy," which is when we find out that Logan lied when he said he didn't remember anything.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Yeah. And his logic was, "Well, I figured that if I said I couldn't remember him, they would never be able to find him, and therefore I could never be accused because there wouldn't be a witness."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: That seems like really stupid logic. Right?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Not the best. Not the best. But then I guess he wouldn't have been operating at his smartest at the time when he was questioned by police about this, when he had been beaten up quite badly, was accused of murder, and his father had been revealed as the murderer of his ex-girlfriend, who he was also having sex with.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah. And also, maybe he was like hungover by then?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: That too. Quite the day.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: It turns out this guy who allegedly saw Logan kill Felix is a plastic surgeon. Hooray!
HELEN ZALTZMAN: A respected plastic surgeon, no less, with that kind of early 1990s maroon-striped wallpaper. So that's serious. And we know this because Veronica goes to him to discuss her surgical options. How many days is this episode again? Has she got a time-turner?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Purely unknown, yes, she's got a time-turner, right? Yeah, she's like, "I don't know, what do you think I should get done?" And this guy's like, "Listen, kid, I wouldn't do anything to you, and here is a body dysmorphia pamphlet. Please read it and stop trying to get plastic surgery. Thanks." And then he is off to be with a client, allegedly.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: "I've got a surgery... or have I?" Because just as Veronica's out in her car, leaving a message to tell Logan that the doctor is a mensch, she sees him driving off. Not a surgery after all! But she follows him all the way to a cigar shop.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Interesting.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: If she's teaming up with Duncan this episode, this would have been a useful errand to do the two-person work, because I reckon you could send Duncan into a cigar shop and he'd be like, "I need to buy a present for my dad. Oh, oh yeah, those ones are good aren't they?" Because he would have been around rich guys with cigars. Whereas Veronica being in the cigar shop looking for a gift for her dad, it automatically feels like not an environment she's going to get her way in. Doesn't really matter though, because she sees Dr Griffith pick up a bag and leave. And then when she's home after the wretched sleepover, Keith sniffs her jacket, and he's like, "I smell cigar," and she's like, "I just went there to use the bathroom." A likely story. And Keith's like, "Well, it's a notorious drug-selling place." So you know how in episode 6 of the season, Jenny, you asked, “Why do people cigar?” when we saw Lamb chomping on a cigar?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yes.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Is there some, "Hey, I'll give you a gift of cigars if you overlook the drug dealing that happens in our cigar shop," thing happening? I could call on my memories of this season, but this is purely speculative because I can't remember a fucking thing.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Well, it sounds like a good theory to me.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Thank you.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I can't remember either.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: And to be fair to me, I was in hospital and heavily medicated last time I watched season 2.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah. You had just been to the cigar store and you had picked up your many prescriptions and you were living large.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Sure.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: There's just one other thing that I wanted to mention in this episode, which is that Mayor Goodman is playing golf poorly. He tells Keith he wants to incorporate Neptune and make Keith the Chief of Police, and that's just good to keep in mind, because I'm sure we haven't seen the last of that plot. But what I really wanted to tell you is,, over the PA at the golf club the person who organises people teeing up, I guess, says, "Ruggiero foursome, check in with the starter, please. Ruggiero foursome, check in with the starter, please." And of course, this episode was written by Diane Ruggiero. So I just wanted to point that out. Thank you.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: That, Josholas - well done, Detective Youngs!
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yes! Hah.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Everyone's going to bid very highly on you in the police auction this year.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yes, I'll be flexing, so.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I don't really understand what incorporation means, and I know it's important to this season, but I -
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: But you can't be arsed?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Well, it's just more that my brain can't wrap itself around it. Why you got to make things so difficult, America?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Ugh, yeah. But it seems like rich people stuff, and power stuff, and Mayor Goodman wanting to perhaps stack the deck in his favour, you know?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: And Woody says, "9,000 people would live in the city of Neptune, so they'd need a Chief of Police." That doesn't seem like that many.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Do 9,000 people need a Chief of Police?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I was a bit baffled that Keith turns up on the golf course, seemingly just for an impromptu chat, because they don't behave like Woody invited him there. And after about two minutes to chat, Woody just whizzes off a golf cart, so it's not like, "OK, let's go to lunch like we planned." So it seems like Keith has turned up there on the off chance.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah. Unclear what's going on here.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I don't understand incorporation, and I don't understand this golf course rendezvous.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Mayor Goodman works in mysterious ways.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Well, this is a very tangled episode, and let's pay a visit now to our resident legal expert and southern Californian marshmallow Lo Dodds, for today's LoDown.
THE LODOWN
HZ: So we're back with the Richard Casablancas crimes. And we don't understand them.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Help.
LO DODDS: Love a bit of SEC action.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Would he have to repay the money that people spent on the fake properties they bought from him?
LO DODDS: Yes. So that would be what the government is attempting to do by seizing his assets. So even if he could, in theory, pay it all off, and even if Dick Senior were willing to pay it all off, I don't think that would absolve him from any sort of punishment. You know, if someone steals your car and then gives it back, still a crime. But that is what the government's trying to do. They're trying to seize his assets in order to pay back all of the people who are going to claim damages from his fraud.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: But when they say the house and cars are paid off, is that just a bit of McGuffin? We don't have to worry about where the Casablancas brothers are going to live because all of the suites at the Neptune Grand are taken?
LO DODDS: Yeah, that's a bit of lying. Well, that's a bit of - I don't know, what do you call it when the show lies in order to further the plot?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Bad writing.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Fiction.
LO DODDS: So obviously, you guys know if you hold something free and clear, it just means there's no loan on it. And in the government's case, if they're trying to seize assets from Mr Casablancas, they would be happy that he did not have a loan or a lender to fight with about seizing the house and the cars. But in this case, I don't know why they said that other than to say, OK, Dick and Cassidy are not going to be out on the street.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: A favourite topic of us in this section is intent.
LO DODDS: Intent!
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: When Veronica and Duncan break into the Manning house, they're not like trying to steal anything; they're trying to solve a crime. So what can they be prosecuted for? General delinquency? Errant crime solvery? Detective-tude?
LO DODDS: I think that they they could be charged with burglary, because if they are intending to steal that notebook, you just have to break and enter with the intent to commit theft or to commit a felony. So if they're intending to steal the notebook it'd be charged as a felony or a misdemeanour, probably misdemeanour; but let's be honest, they're not try to steal that notebook, so I think that the most they'd probably get charged with is trespassing.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Given that they found some valuable evidence, but on an illegal trip into the Manning house, is that evidence going to be admissible?
LO DODDS: You're right. The police cannot rely on evidence that they would not have been able to get under the same means. So you can't just have some private person go and break all the Fourth Amendment rights. So they wouldn't probably be able to rely on that notebook. But thankfully, another shitty parent in this episode called Lamb and invited him into the bedroom. So the minute Veronica said, "Hey, I have some information for you," Lamb would have had probable cause to search the closet, once he saw the notebooks and saw the horrible little closet room. They would have enough probable cause to come back and search, get a warrant, and yeah, hopefully those parents are going down.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: If there is an officer of the law persistently outside your house, staring through your kitchen window, who do you call about that?
LO DODDS: "The police are harassing me" - I mean, you can call the ACLU, but I think that that dad is not going to do anything. He's obviously trying not to invite more scrutiny of his family.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I think the thing to do is call Vinnie van Lowe and hire him to go do something really stupid and obvious nearby that will lure Lamb away. I think that's the ticket.
LO DODDS: He should just hire Vinnie to park behind the officer and watch the officer.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I do find this season to be very up and down and the pacing to be very stop-start, because they're like, "OK, this plot, picking it back up, er, but some other stuff." But when stuff is good, I do find it very thrilling. And I think I've appreciated that the mystery of the week has been tied to longer plot arcs or characters that are in this for the long haul, rather than just some random who shows up with a missing dog or shoes that don't match. And what the fuck is up with the Goodman family?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Ew, I really didn't like that. I really didn't like that.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: I think if they're so paranoid about mess, there's no way they would allow a rowdy sleepover for teen girls.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Right? But it seems that Gia and her little brother are treated very differently.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Yes, yes. Ah, the bleakness. Jenny?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yes.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Were there any lines that enlivened this episode for you?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: You know, Helen. There's a global pandemic. I'm sheltering in place. I only go to the grocery store every two weeks and I map out very fastidiously what will be eaten when. And I forgot to get ice cream on my last shopping trip. Therefore, my line pick for this episode is a small child screaming, "I want ice cream. Bah!"
HELEN ZALTZMAN: It's as if the line came straight from your soul.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Exactly.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Can you order some on Postmates?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I could, but I think I'll just wait. I don't want to go to the store again.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: It's your punishment.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Yeah, that's what I'm writing in my composition book, "I will remember to buy ice cream this time, I will remember to buy ice cream this time."
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Well, I enjoyed pretty much all of Ms Hauser's STD lesson, but particularly when Jane sneezed, and Ms Hauser says, "See how much you're sneezing when you have gonorrhea."
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Ha!
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Probably the same amount.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Dude, Ms Hauser. I hope she comes back many times.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: What a grumpy single legend. With a real shit son.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: ‘Single legend’!
HELEN ZALTZMAN: And how do you score this episode, Jenny?
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: I felt like it was fun, interesting, mostly fast. There were some lulls, but there was plenty going on, but not too much going on. I was very riveted pretty much the whole time. So I'm happy to give it like 4.75 shirtless sheriffs up for auction. And yourself?
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Yeah, I thought it was thrilling, and the breath was genuinely taken out of me at the end when Lamb does this incredible thing. But it's very sad as well. It's a sad episode for Kendall; it's a very sad episode for children in horrible family situations; and it's a shit episode for Veronica, because she must be exhausted and having such a boring, irritating time. I will give it 4.2 black polo necks.
JENNY OWEN YOUNGS: Heh. Yes, yes, yes. Well! That was this episode of Veronica Mars investigated.
HELEN ZALTZMAN: Case closed.
JOY: That was Veronica Mars Investigations Season 2 Episode 7: Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner.
HZ: Watch season 2 episode 8 and join us next time to investigate it.
JOY: Find the show on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @VMIpod.
HZ: And don't forget to join us on the 30th of May for tweeting along and simulwatching Elvira.
JOY: Mistress of the Dark. The complete title's very important.
HZ: Sorry, sorry. I need to educate myself.
JOY: The website, where the show lives - shoes off please when you visit! - is vmipod.com.
HZ: You can find each episode on there. You'll find episode transcripts on there. You can find cards to distinguish all the rich white boys of Neptune from each other - championship work by Jenny Owen Youngs.
JOY: Bless you, Helen.
HZ: I'm Helen Zaltzman and you can hear my other podcasts The Allusionist at theallusionist.org which is back after a break with the history of the Keep Calm and Carry On trend. Words to be irritated by/calmed by. I'm irritated. Might be you’re calmed, but find out why you're irritated or calmed. You can find the show at theallusionist.org, and you can find my other podcast Answer Me This at answermethispodcast.com. And I was recently a guest on The Comedian's Comedian podcast talking about funniness.
JOY: I'm Jenny Owen Youngs; when I'm not making this podcast with Helen, I’m making my other podcast Buffering the Vampire Slayer, which you can hear on the all the pod places. You can also listen to the music that I make that has nothing to do with podcasts or 90s TV, for the most part, at jennyowenyoungs.com.
HZ: What a lovely thing to do for yourself.
JOY: Heck.
HZ: I meant for them, Jenny. Not for you to do for yourself, but a lovely thing you've done for them that they can do to themselves. The thing being to listen to your music themselves that you made yourself, keep up.
JOY: OK. This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman.
HZ: Yes, it was. The music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs.
JOY: The Sheriff of our blessed town, our quiet little town, which might become incorporated soon, is Hrishikesh Hirway.
HZ: The show is distributed by PRX.
JOY: Until next time: who is your daddy?
HZ: Who is your daddy? Is he on the boat by himself, if you want to come by, smoke a J and fool around? You know, there's not many positive daddies in this episode.
JOY: Keith’s a positive, but he barely even shows up.
HZ: He's just hanging out on the golf course in case one of his friends happens to be there.
JOY: Yeah, exactly!